Alright, for a quick review:

Some of your paragraphs are a bit too big. You should split them a bit, otherwise they get tiring to read.

Also you should jump a line when different characters talk, for the same reason.

About grammar, it's pretty good. But you forgot to captalize some letters. You also forgot some double spaces... and didn't put spaces in other times as well. But that is nothing major, so don't worry.

As you can see, those are just small things. If you want, I can give you a more detailed review later.

Please keep this at heart... and keep safe!

>>13483721348372

I'll get those fixed up when I get a chance and I would appreciate the detailed review. thanks for the comment and advice.

edit went through and made some changes.

Ahem.

Well, first of all, the intro was pretty good. Your basic idea is pretty good, but with my complex mind I'm already planing out every possible plot twist.

Secondly, I'm actually surprised AJ's dialogue isn't filled with (and I mean FILLED with) aposthephes (the ')

And, even though you already had a proof reader (and apprently commenter#1) I seemed to point out a few spelling errors. And a few word mix ups. For example, the word 'scene' isn't used at all here. You mean to put 'seen'.

Finally, I can see this being pretty good. I'm not one to follow a story right from the begining.

Keep it up!

Nevermind my initial comment. I had the text size of your story on "large" and it created a wierd, unexpected effect, but upon moving it back to normal, your story's paragraphs became more....typical. (if you dont know what i mean, just switch text size to large, and scroll through a bit, youll see what im talking about)

Other than that, great story so far. You've done well in creating lots of interest, but not revealing anything significant about the plot yet, which has the effect of making the reader think "OH MY GOD, I NEED MOAR! MOAR!!!!!!!!! MOOOOAAAARR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I am very, very curious about what kind of development this becomes. right now, all i can think is:

*spoiler alert*

Zomg wheres twilight? who was that guy? why is he carrying her? Why did he want the elements? How did he get in there? Is he still there, or did he get out? Whats he gonna do with twilight, he seemed to indicate she was not apart of his plans? Where did he learn to move so fast and where did he learn that blackout-inducing cranium kick? Does equestria have martial arts? Why does dash seem to know something is wrong? Or is it a lucky guess? Does the princess know anything? What kind of involvement will the princess/twlight's friends have with this mysterious stealthy element-stealing pony? God, I need answers. I NEED ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!

*end spoiler alert*

The feeling this story leaves me with is best described as the feeling that a little kid would get if you were to put a movie on the tv, let them watch the first 10-15 minutes, then all of a sudden just hit "stop" and say "alright, it's time to go to bed!" Its that ultimate "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" of anticipation.

>>13489721348972

Thanks for pointing that out, I'll see about getting it fixed.

I love finding others who are able to read behind the lines and try to foretell the story from the beginning, please feel free to

pm me any of your guesses your pretty sure will happen, I'd love to see how close you come to hitting the mark. If you do

take me up on my request please be sure to include in the pm if you want me to let you know what you got right or if you'd

rather just wait till I finish to have your theory's proven/disproven.

WithRegardsTo- thanks for your comments, I had thought my paragraphs seemed ok, but I still went back and split up the

longer ones, oh well I think it works still.

>>13488301348830

Hmm. I have added your history to my watch list.

I will post the detailed review later.

Well since you asked I knew it was Trixie as soon as magic was involved. What other magic weielder has the mane6 faced?

Actually, I couldn't figure it out until you wrote Las Pegasus.

>>13550681355068

yeah, I know, that was my problem writing it, too obvious is just too hard to hide, but if it had been less obvious,

do you think the way I wrote it was good? what I'm asking is did I portray the subtlety right?

>>13560221356022

Huh? I'm curious, what was it about that part of it, that tipped you off to my intent.

>>13561301356130

It's just that Trixie is almost always in Las Pegasus.

>>13562381356238

ah, now I see, haven't read too many Trixie fics, but I can see how that would usually be the case.

>>13561301356130 Even though obvious, you portrayed it the best you could without saying 'Trixie'

It'd take me quite a while to come up with another way of making it more discrete. You did good. And i'd be happy to proofread for ya, if you ever need another one.

Sorry for the delay everyone. Except for chapter one, I've been doing the whole story on my own, but now have a new person helping me with

chapter three, due to some real world distractions, its been going slower than I hoped, but I will put it up as soon as we're finished. The chapters

after it should not take this long as I have been writing them, while the third chapters being proof read. Thanks for your patience.

FIRST POST!

What a rush.

Nice story, but please do not use your own line breaks. makes the story very hard to read on other devices (EPUB).

>>14621601462160

sorry about that, so far I use this site to write on and haven't been able to get the cheat keus to work :/. suggestions on where online to write that would allow me to use writing tools to fix this would be helpful

>>14624851462485 I can't help you on that, sorry, I am not an author ^^ I still love the story though.

>>14628031462803

That's ok, I'm gald you brought the problem to my attention. I'll be sure to find a fix for it before I post up my next story. Also thanks, glad you liked the story.