Axel, a pegasis is quite the quiet one. He's quite shy, and almost never speaks to people. He has never made it a priority to have friends, or become socially involved in anything. He WOULD interact with others, but he decides at the last minute to change his mind, because he thinks that nopony would like him anyway. That his voice does't matter, and that he could never have any influence. He finds out that voice is important, and he uses it in different ways than he recognizes.
Axel, a pegasis is quite the quiet one.
Image: http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110506093134/kingdomhearts/images/f/fc/Axel_DaysT.pngEh? Eh? Ehhhhhhh?
Have a glass of colt 45 approval
Man... deep bro... deep. It reminded me of my childhood and how lonely it was. To have no friends, to not know the real meaning of friendship. I can't believe that I was just like Axel when I was younger.
So nostalgic. Keep up the good work man! I can tell that this is going to be a great story!
Good premise, but your sentence structure is so awkward I couldn't bring myself to read it. You use simple sentences almost exclusively, and that makes the whole thing feel jerky and stilted. Try finding an editor to help if you aren't taking any sort of writing class right now.
Gah. All. Of. Your. Sentences. Are. Stilted.
More details, please! There's a nice long sentence there at the beginning, but it has an awkward ending that should continue into that next sentence but doesn't. Plus your ratio of simple sentences to all the other types (compound, complex, ect.) is ridiculously high. I can be stilted like that in a comment, but a story requires a different dynamic to keep people reading. Again, I really like your premise, but I won't be able to get through it until you smooth out your sentences.
Damn... I know his feelings all too well. I had tried to commit suicide several times because of it. Damnit man! Why do you have to remind me of such this while getting me to want to read more? This is deep man, really deep. I can only assume that this also happened to you as well. I'm going to go cry in my corner now.
A time Laps? You give us a bucking TIME LAPS?
Why you do this man? I was looking forward to seeing their relationship develop even further, their wedding, their foals... wait did they have foals?... Their whole life together!
Ah, oh well. Amazing story. I really enjoyed reading it. Keep on writing my friend!
Your writing is improving. I can read it now, and dude, it seems like you're writing from personal experience. Is this adapted from stuff you wrote in middle school? I've had that problem before, where writing I thought was deep and amazing in elementary school turned out to seem kind of childish and blunt later, and some of that still showed through when I went to transpose it as part of a larger work.
I'm glad I didn't unfav this earlier, when it was so stilted and structurally confused my brain shut down, because while it might not be the most original idea, it still hits unnervingly close to home in some aspects. This is a good chapter. I'm going to try and read the next one now.
I am accustomed to successfully choosing stories of high caliber, that, if lacking in certain mechanics at the outset, improve over time and have a sound basis in a compelling plotline. Of the works on my favorites list, a good number of them were chosen based on searches or just picked off of the top of the new stories list, and later went on to make the feature box. I have gotten pretty good at picking out the stories that I would enjoy reading, and my high standards mean that often others enjoy them as well.
Which is why it is such a disappointment to me that a story that I picked, based on an idea I really liked, fell so far short of my expectations. Half of it I couldn't physically read it was so poorly written; the choppy sentence structures, the tense confusion, and the poor grammar made my eyes glaze over in defense. If the author could find a decent editor, this could be an amazing story worthy of the feature box, as the idea is sound and interesting enough to merit honest discussion, as seen here in the comment section. It is only the execution that is lacking, and a good editor could set that to rights with a bit of work. It just nags me that he hasn't taken the time to do so.
As to your reading preferences, your comment makes it abundantly clear that grammar (or lack thereof) has no effect on you. I am glad that you are able to enjoy this story as-is for its excellent plotline, but I do not posess your immunity, nor do I plan on acquiring it in the near future.
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did he ever write an end?
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