Great start.

Hey, I got questions.

Why are there cars here in Fillydelphia? In Manehatten during Eyes Without a Face, they use carriages, right? So why cars here?

You're doing a great job of jumping from perspective to perspective. The color-coding is a great idea I wish I'd thought of.

The only problem so far is that you use homonyms when you really mean something else. Getting jerked "foreword" is not the same as getting jerked "forward," for example.

>>13464091346409

Don't worry Fife, I explain the car thing in later chapters. It's actually really important to the story. Well...kind of really important. I think.

Also, what the hell is a homonym? Jesus, I need grammar lessons, 'cause I seriously don't even know what you're talking about. :

>>13464741346474

A homonym is a word that sounds exactly like another word, but means something else entirely.

Examples:

"foreword": A message from the author or editor to the readers regarding the story or article they are about to read.

"forward": The direction ahead.

"where": In relation to a location.

"wear": To accessorize or dress.

"Twilight": is best pony.

"Twilight": is a terrible book.

>>13465111346511

Oh, I see. Thank you. I'll be sure to read through and make corrections.

Excellent work. I like how you mix action and emotions.

Remind me to review this later. It won't be a 2000 word monster like the last one, but I imagine I'll have a bit to say. Just quote this comment and say something like "this is your reminder" or whatever. I just want a little alert when I wake up is all, so I don't forget.

>>14118241411824

Hey, make sure you review this shiz in the am yo. Though I think it's a bit silly to review as story before it's done. Just saying, bro.

Well, it looks like I wasn't off the mark when I estimated that EWaF Twily liked white knight types because she could control them.

Which reminds me, I still need to write more for the Baritone sidestory. And draw its cover art. Then scan it. Even though it looks like he won't be Twi's first victim...

Having trouble getting into this one, to be honest. Not bad, but it's not grabbing my balls with claws of ice like like EWAF did.

Nice chapter. Twilight is going some real dark places, I can't say I'm enjoying it, but it's certainly interesting. I'm enjoying adrenaline junky Dash, but at this stage I haven't really got much of an opinion on AJ. Of all their characters she feels the closest to how she is in the show.

I was planning or writing another long ass review, but then I realised I didn't really have anything to say. Rest assured that I'm enjoying this, and once I've had the time to really get an opinion about this, I'll probably write another 1000+ worder.

>>14515481451548

I hear you, man. This one just isn't coming together quite right.

I think its missing the seamless combination of , ,, , and that Eyes had. Oh well, as they say, back to the drawing board. I'll have to really bust my ass to get that old magic back before I start the sequel to Eyes.

>>14565051456505

Eh, not everything can be a magnum opus.

She pulls the limb toward the sky, bendin’ it a way it meant to bend.

I think this was supposed to be "ain't meant to bend," or something like that?

Also,

The centimeters between our hips become a full inch.

I really liked this line. I think because it is kind of weird, switching between measurement systems. Like, Twilight just switched from speaking English to French in the middle of the conversation. Put me off balance, along the lines of the way Joe would be speaking.

>>14602381460238

Thanks for the edit, that's good looking out, bro.

Poor Junior.

Not to mention Twi. Is that what she's really become now?

>>14683511468351  It's almost like she was better adjusted in EWAF.  I guess being in a position of power and authority helped stabilize her OCD.  

That was the last time I ever saw Pinkie Pie.

Welp, that's not ominous. Not at all.  Wait... I've just realized that Twilight and the Pie Sisters (and later Rose) are very much like Szark Sturtz.  

It was out last moment together.

Almost like the friendship had an expiration date.

>>15082561508256

Funny you should mention that. I'm writing a fanfic based on EWaF (I know, a fanfic based on another fanfic ) about Baritone working for Twilight Sparkle before he encounters Rose. The way I've written her, Twilight is the most terrifying thing on earth. (At least, to Baritone anyway.)

Hmm... Alright, here's the thing about this chapter: It was all Rainbow, and it didn't go anywhere with her. Now, I don't know why you decided to do that bit of back story with Rainbow, but I was expecting there to be a bit more of a point to it. Usually I forgive your stories for going off on unrelated tangents, and that's usually because it either comes into effect later or it's interesting in it's own right, or the imagery in it is just so bloody striking that I care less about anything else, but this bit of Rainbow exposition felt... I got to the end of that and wondered where the last five minutes went. This story is set in Fillydelphia, so it's unlikely that Gilda's going to come into it later. That bit with Rainbow was... I guess it added to her character a bit, but why did you need to put it in? It felt a little pointless, like it didn't really go anywhere. Like I said, normally I forgive you for that sort of thing, but in this it didn't really add to the story.

This whole chapter really, was a bit dud. The only significant bit was at the end, and everything leading up to there wasn't as gripping as your usual extended periods of fanciful exposition. You're a good enough writer that you can easily get away with having nothing happen, but in this chapter you didn't. I might be alone on that opinion, but I don't feel like your regular bouts of extended narration were up to snuff. Or maybe that's just because I read this at six in the morning and was having trouble waking up.

Oh, and in Eyes Without A Face there was a pegasus mare cop with a rough feminine voice that picked Rose up off the roof, is that Rainbow Dash by any chance? I swear I remember reading that, though it could be my imagination.

>>19055971905597 No. RD is the leader of The Sisters.

>>19068531906853

... I really really hope that was sarcasm. Primary is not RD. She has a three colour mane, red yellow and blue, hence her name: Primary which I assume is short for Primary Colour. Geddit? Primary has a cockney accent, and at first Rose mistakes her for RD. But then after a while realises it couldn't be her.

>>19068731906873 It wasn't sarcasm.

I guess I better re-read it.

That's what happens when you drunk-read. You involuntarily skim through text.

Ugh...

>>19068821906882

That's alright, I was probably being a little harsh there.

I don't think Dash ever showed up in Eyes. I remember we saw Gilda, Pinkie is probably the mysterious murderer, Twilight and AJ both showed up of course, same with Spike, and Rarity got a mention...But I don't think we saw Dash or Fluttershy. Then again, my memory is terrible, so who can say.

>>19055971905597

Now, I don't know why you decided to do that bit of back story with Rainbow, but I was expecting there to be a bit more of a point to it. Usually I forgive your stories for going off on unrelated tangents, and that's usually because it either comes into effect later or it's interesting in it's own right

Patience grasshopper. If you had made this comment at the end of the story it would have been a valid point--but seeing as this is only chapter four I'd say you're jumping the gun a bit. I'm a little hurt y1fellas, why would you assume I'm doing this just to do it? Do you really think that little of me as a storyteller? Rainbow's back story is only getting started and I promise it's an integral part of the narrative, not a random tangent. It only seems like a tangent because I'm starting with it now as opposed to at the beginning of the story. That's my fault. I recently decided I wanted to do something drastically different with this story, but I also didn't want to start over. I admit it's lazy, and I do apologize for that.

And there was a point to the story. A rather obvious one, actually. If anything, the story itself was overly long, but even that was done on purpose. If you keep reading, you'll see. If you've lost interest, that's cool too. There aren't many people reading this thing anyway honestly I'm kind of writing it for myself at this point. Might sound like a cop out but it's true.

>>19075331907533

Alright, so I jumped the gun a little. Or a lot. Whatever the case, I'm permitted to make mistakes from time to time. I shall have to wait for more of this story then, and in future I'll hold back from over eager critiquing.

Jeez, being around Twilight Sparkle sounds like a nightmare. I'm glad I at least got that a little bit correct when I try writing her. Here, I kinda wonder what she was calculating. The part with her trying to get Spike to wake up had me worried.

All in all, this is a good chapter. Not great, and I even spotted a number of spelling errors. Who do you have as a proofreader right now? Because he ain't doin' his job. (Unless you don't have one. Not to mention I don't have much to do. hint, hint.)

DID SHE KILL THE GUY LOVE HER? WHY ???????????!!!!! HE WILL TAKE HIM THE POTION, NO?!!!

why she kill the junior?!!!!

Did spike is dead?

Took me long enough to read this. Mostly liked it, one part of AJ's section

The countryside ... The sky’s empty and black.

Is not true. Without light pollution, the sky is filled with stars. Not like, "Oh, there's a star!", as more urbanized people think, but literally just smeared with lights. Like God is vomiting directly into your brain, is my favorite way of putting it.

I don't know quite how else you'd set that paragraph, but it just bugged me that someone who was raised out in the country would talk about a black sky.

>>20920212092021

Spike can't be dead because he appears in Eyes and the deleted sequel (Shadow Monsters, or whatever. Yes, I still remember that).

>>22515442251544

Did Spike is live? I WANT READ!

Twilight is so wounded and pathetic and heartbreakingly sad that it hurts to read. I'm almost afraid to find out what happens next, but at the same time, I really want to. (And yes, this is my not-very-subtle way of asking for another chapter. )