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Haunted Manehatten gangster Baritone Sanders has committed a long list of crimes, sins he couldn't possibly cleanse himself of. Every day, his life and his actions become worse. Now that he's at his lowest, Baritone expects to die as the monster he knows he is.
That's when she comes along.
Police Commissioner Twilight Sparkle offers Baritone a way out of his life of crime...but under one condition.
Just one. More. Crime...
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1539214
The reason for the "choppiness" in Baritone's sentences is that he's a different character from Rose. I dunno about you, but I always read Rose's lines in my mind with this wicked, whispery voice, almost as if Rose is terrified somepony else might be listening in. And when you read her sentences with that voice, it just works.
But I'm not writing Rose, I'm writing Baritone. He structures his sentences differently. He isn't nearly so schizophrenic in his pace as Rose (or as Twilight does to some extent). He sometimes falls into run-on sentences, misuses certain words, and so on.
Baritone's a monster, and he knows, as much as he wants to deny it. His "A" persona pretends the "B" persona doesn't exist. He likes to think the B persona, the monster, is like some ferocious beast he lets out when he needs to get shit done. And don't worry--when the B persona comes out to play, Baritone's sentences change too. Sentences are shorter. Angrier. Bitch. Bitch pissed in my drink. I run at bitch. Gonna kill the bitch, gonna kill the bitch. <--Things like that.
In short, Baritone's almost a reverse of Rose. He's more than capable of doing awful things but remains as composed as he can be, all because (believe it or not) he still has morals, even though they are slipping away from him.
Now, I have no idea what section of New York you're going for, but here's some lines translated into common Bronx slang.
"Yo, got a light?"
I would change "pisses" to "pissin'".
Those are the only two that really stood out. Overall, if you wanted to make this more realistic, here are some tips:
"Muthafucka" is common. People referring to others as "nigga" is too. That can be used either positively or negatively:
"Yo, wass good, my nigga?"
vs.
"A-yo, shut up, bitch-ass nigga!"
When you want to add emphasis to a adjective, try adding "-ass" to the end. Weird-ass, cold-ass, hard-ass... Except for "dead." If you are dead-ass, that means you are serious.
"I just saw a fuckin' flyin' horse!"
"Dead-ass?"
"Dead-ass."
When someone trips up, or makes a mistake, the word "tight" can be used.
*Somepony trips over their own hooves*
*Another pony points and starts laughing* "You tight!"
A-yo is just yo with more emphasis put behind it. It is a word that can be used at the start of almost any sentence.
"Yo, where you at?"
"Yo, that ain't right!"
"Yo, I just figured out quantum physics!"
When denying something, you might say "I didn't do anything!"
In New York, it is "I didn't do nothin'!" Note the double negative.
Bootleg = Ghetto
And, finally, although I seriously doubt you're ever going to use this word...
If someone is dirty, rude, and generally unrefined, but still believes they are perfect, they are "ratchet."
Hope this helps,
-Dubs Rewatcher
1681838 I don't think any of the things you listed for this would work. This story when it comes to tone and how Baritone speaks gives off a " Good Fellas" or " Casino" kinda vibe. You couldn't see Robert Deniro saying, "Yo, bitch-ass nigga" I also couldn't see Baritone talking like some dumb ass black wanna-be gangster. When I think of gangster I see a man standing up straight in a business suit with a cigar in one hand and a thompsan in the other. Not some guy holding a glock sideways and sagging his pants wereing an la lakers jersey. This story is fine as it is I wouldn't change a thing.
Quick question: Why doesn't Twi have a horn in the cover art?
2772749
Read the story and find out. =)
2774311
Found out.
2798100
Good.
I feel as though Spike is going kill Twilight in the most karmic fashion.
VERY awesome
have a fav
awesome
Okay, you got me interested. I like your eccentric and crazy Twilight
I'm going to throw a wild guess and say that Twilight's hornlessness probably has something to do with Pinkie Pie (and I don't mean that PP amputated her horn cupcakes-style, but that Twilight lost it because of her... maybe while defending her from something?). That's why she reacted so strongly when Baritone laughed at her I think.
Okay, I'm eager to find out what happens next and how all this mess started. Please continue
2881783
Pinkie Pie has something to do with Twilight's current dilemma, but you'll see what it is later. But you are right that she's the reason Twily hates the sound of laughter: something that's supposed to relieve emotional pain, yet any time anypony looked at her hornlessness, that was what she (thought she) was met with.
awesome
