Spell check required. Oh, and one tip: book titles should be in italics

Here's a tip: copy-paste the story (a paragraph at a time) down into the comment box to check for misspellings.

You seem to make 2 errors repeatedly:  thier for their and forgetting the e in ed words

Wat

wow, your seriously posting this stuff here?

Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/23411478.jpg

or maybe your just a troll... I guess that's possible too

Then again F.A. still really stinks as far as written work format goes and considering I see no evidence of you suggesting well... darker behavior I will guess you wouldn't want to go on inkbunny.

(I also don't know what inkbunny's written works lay out is like as I avoid it because of said darker works)

Seriously, I mean Fa redoes a lot of the format and still the only way for written works to show up without a download is to post it in note pad?

Whats up with that?

Funny but you desperately need to work on your grammar.

In addition, try aiming for one thousand words per chapter. Maybe go into detail describing each adult foal's experience.

Your writing makes me physically sick.

Pinkie doing that prank is perfectly in character. The stealthsuit bit was pretty funny too.

Onto problems, grammar is your main one. Please, I am begging you, find a proofreader! The numerous grammar errors are ruining what's otherwise a funny story.

Also, how Pinkie became an adult foal was glossed over. Try going into detail about her backstory a bit more.

Finally, chapters are a bit short; try aiming for ~1,000 words per chapter. All you have to do is add more details; show us the world of the adult foals.

WHAT?

Nope.

... Is it wrong to love this?

>>14306561430656

No Flash Drive, it isnt. Loving fish though, is a crime punishable by lol

where are the more chapters!

It seems you could've made these better.

1. There are constant spelling errors.

2. Each chapter is too short (needs to be at least 1,000 words each.)

3. The story is rushed.

4. Also, when another character starts speaking, that's when you start another paragraph. Haven't you read a book before?

Great concept though.

Aye lookie here, I'm first!! Next one the Cakes?

>>15879451587945

either that, octavia and vinyl, or lyra and bon bon

I don't even know what to say, you have rendered me speechless....

>>16054421605442, How so?

well that was a sort of nice short on the back of a book explaining what the book is about , where's the first chapter then?....

This could do with some editing, the grammar needs work and the pacing is too fast for my taste, you should also look into getting an editor or pre-reader to help you.

>>13207691320769 Pretty much what he said, but also try to slow down the pacing, maybe add on some details if you can.

>>13208501320850 You really should take his advice, this story probably wouldn't have as many thumbs down if you did half of what he's suggested.

>>15856471585647 I don't know why you have listened to him either, are you intentionally trying to make this bad or do you just need to brush up on your english lessons?

At least this one actually makes sense, Pinkie Pie isn't doing it just for the fun of it she has bed wetting problems, the rest just seem kind of pointless.

Rarity I just can't picture being an Adult Foal, she likes things neat and tidy and she'd likely freak at the thought of wearing diapers again for no reason.

Thing is, I thought fimfiction had a MINIMUM requirement of 1000 words per submission.

Not 1000 words for the whole, but for EACH chapter.

I suggest you copy the entirety into a word processing program that has Spell Check and Grammar Check, such as Open Office.

Then, remove this version of your story and repost it as one piece, since as it currently stands you aren't even at 2000 words.

Do it yourself before fimfiction decides to remove it for reasons or some other fimfiction author takes it upon themselves to repair it.

What?! I couldn't understand this one at all.

But you get props for being the first one to say that Octavia is Lyra's as well as Pinkie Pie's cousin.

Interesting relation between Lyra, Pinkie Pie and Octavia.

But the grammar and syntax need a lot of work. Your chapters are also too short to be enjoyable and very sparse on detail. Please find an editor.

The parenthesis containing your thoughts are also unnecessary.

All in all, I like the idea but the execution needs a lot of work.

>>16355651635565 Thank you Velkaden, this was my first story after all. I love your stories on Furaffinity. Will you continue Hooligan87's Confidence story? Or make new ones? Heck, you were one of the authors who inspired me to write this!

>As Lyra ate a sandvich (If you get that reference,you get a cookie)

And this pretty much sums up everything wrong with this story, which is everything.

You need to read some easy stuff and learn how to follow the example it sets. Might I suggest Dr. Suess' Beginning Beginner Books series? Most of the words in that are no longer than three syllables, which would be perfect for you.

>>16366471636647 What are you implying? I've written better works and this was my first fic after all.

>>17174821717482

I'm implying your writing bad.

Very bad.

I-threw-up-in-my-mouth-and-had-to-swallow-it bad.

>>17175491717549 well, read my other stories:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/66083/A-Soldier%27s-March

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/65629/Night-will-fall-and-the-Dark-will-Rise

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/52832/Spoony-and-Linkara%3A-Equestrian-Adventures

among a few others

>>16343841634384 Actually,she HAD wetting problems, but grew to like them, cause now she doesn't need to stop partying to go to  the bathroom

well.. you have a good idea here, but you dont really have a "story" as it were.

you have a small chain of blurbs and short oneshots.

may i suggest trying to find a plausible story that they may share and progress that way?

like for instance, twi trys a spell that backfires and causes her to have enuresis at night (bedwetting) and so she reluctantly has to get padded, unfortunantly she runs into two of her friends in the diaper isle at the store, pinkie (who is "AF") and fluttershy (who is a "mommy" like in pattycakes)

>>17513641751364 maybe. Maybe i could do a chapter that shows how this all started

Did I just read a chapter wtf that was so fast u need to put more details in to them an spell check

Im going to be honest I think u should re do the stories an make then longer with me details

x buck 360

Great story so far, but slow it down a bit, there's no race. Another thing, yes to the XBuck, and yes to the Elder Ponies puns

>>22675422267542 I LOVE the Elder Scrolls, so, yeah

Kill all non AFs!

Love the gaming puns. But you ought to redo this and make it longer and a bit more... intimate for the sisters.

Again it was rather short. Still loving the gaming puns.

Agreed. Longer, slower pacing, more details, and for the love of knocking down text walls use more paragraph breaks. I'd be happy to help if you need it.

Agree with both previous commcomments.

And at gaming pun.

Agreed. But I must say, activating an invisible stealth suit? Anyone that has seen any episodes would know Pinkie doesn't need a stealth suit. She just goes whereever she wants and pops up from nowhere. Just like the Warner bros and sis.

Yes. Please re-edit/redo this. Some aspects are okay, but overall its deterioration just as fast as anyone can read this.

Well you say this is you first. So perhap s now would be a good time to rehash and expand on this.

Loved all the references.

As for 'sandvich'.....

YYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [starts unloading $200 custom-tube cartriges at 2000/min at anyone in my way] GO AHEAD--CRY SOMEMORE!! [sets Sasha down and holds up sandvich] Kiss me! Nom nom nom nom! I am full of sandvich and I am coming for you!

Can you continue this?

>>26019112601911 Updated chp 1