• Member Since 6th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 14th, 2018

BugBos


How do put ideas from brain into digital text?

T

After leaving her stable for a crime she didn't commit, Chopstick sets out to try an find a life in the wastes. Instead of a peaceful life outside the vault, she finds herself in a raging battle between various factions, all trying to attain control of the city named Crossroads; A city filled with secrets and a cloud of radioactive poisonous gas. As she tries to protect herself and her friends she will uncover a plot started all those years ago and ended when the bombs fell. But now it's trying to be started all over again. Her journey will take her across the city and many obstacles will stand in her way, but she will push on to stop it and save as many ponies as she can.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 7 )

Hello there. I would like to critique. I hope you don't find this offensive.

First of all, I'll fix the description for you.

After leaving her stable for a crime she didn't commit, Chopstick sets out to try an find a life in the wastes. Instead of a peaceful life outside the vault, she finds herself in a raging battle between various factions, all trying to attain control of the city named Crossroads; A city filled with secrets and a cloud of radioactive poisonous gas. As she tries to protect herself and her friends she will uncover a plot started all those years ago and ended when the bombs fell. But now it's trying to be started all over again. Her journey will take her across the city and many obstacles will stand in her way, but she will push on to stop it and save as many ponies as she can.

Sentence Critique:
1. Complete sentences. Put a period at the end of a sentence and capitalize the beginnings of one.
2. Remember not to write run-ons or fragments of sentences. Your reader will get bored and quit reading.
3. Correct punctuation. Remember this rule:
Do you want something possessive (aka belongs to it) (like car)? Add "'s" (car's)!
Need something plural (aka multiple of it) (car)? Add "s" (cars)!
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Story Critique:
1. To start with a good story, start with about a 2,000 word opening. But if it's a prologue, you can shorten it to 1,000 words.

-TEP

Another Fallout Equestria Fic?
Challenge accepted.
Will read.
Not now.
Sleep.
'Night.

1340685
Thanks for the advice and i will be sure to use this in the future.
Also thanks a butt-tonne for re-doing the description and i am going to make those adjustments.

1343358 Oopsies. I'll fix some things because I just realized I made a few mistakes.

Did you not mean stable and not vault in your description?

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