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"Criminals.
Criminals are terror.
Criminals are a terror. The face of terror. My terror. I must disguise my terror. Disguise my face.
Daisy is dead.
Lily is dead.
Rose is dead.
...I shall become a mask."
<
theycallmejub
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theycallmejub
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At first, I was going to say there was too many repetitive lines, but then I realized that 1) this isn't just a first person narrative but also a stream of consciousness as well and 2) our protagonist does have a sucking bullet wound in her lower 'torso' (Is that the proper equine anatomical term?) and had a knife lodged in her back, so it wouldn't be a stretch to say that the pain is effecting her thoughts. Also, the amount of blood she lost... Either way, keep up the good work.
Truth be told chapter two didn't turn out as good as i would've liked, unlike chapter one which I feel came out perfect. I think I might have rushed it a bit. I might rewrite it later.
Thanks for reading, though and thanks for the feedback. I promise to try to perfect my noir style, but I'm new to the genre so please bare with me and I'll do my best to make it worth your while.
Huh, I'm not all that much into shipping, but I can't help but feel bad for Redheart since Rose is probably going to break her heart next chapter. I must admit the reveal of our probable main antagonist caught me by surprise, despite the fact most fanwork treat griffins as villains. Perhaps I just don't see Gilda as a charismatic enough individual to rise to the top of a crime syndicate. Either way, keep up the good work.
Really, I'm the only person who'll comment on this fic… Well, I'll be honest and say I didn't expect this to get this… cloppy so soon. I can definitely see the "Sin City" influences, but I think you may have tipped your hand on the identity of "the psycho" by bringing the "cowgirl" into this chapter. Regardless, I found the tone and discription of Redheart's departure and the interrogation in the loo perfect. Keep up the fine work and I await the next chapter.
Was it too heavy handed? Drat, not my intention 
. Nice to see you caught my little ode to Sin City's Nancy, though. I do like to pay homage to those great authors who came before me whenever the chance presents itself.
I actually tried to keep the "cloppyness" to minimum, as it is only meant to create a contrast between Rose's capacities for love and her capacities for violence. When I first wrote that scene it was much more...detailed, and so I decided to tone it down.
Speaking of tone I'm glad you commented on the tone of Redheart's departure, and I'm trilled that you enjoyed the scene in the restroom. As an author tone and especially description are very important to me (sometimes too important. I tend to get carried away), so to hear you say you enjoyed those two moments, as they were the two central moments of the chapter, is pretty awesome.
If you have any other criticisms I would love to hear them. Thanks for reading and I hope you'll stick with this story until the end 
.
...Huh, looks like you caught me off-guard. Here I was thinking Scope was going to be more than a catalyst for the main body of the story, perhaps someone who sells Rose out to the psycho, leading into a climatic final confrontation. Speaking of which, I now have some doubts in my choice of their actual identity but it also feels like they are more linked to Daisy and Lily's murder more than before. Also, I'm intrigued as to Rose's strong dislike of unicorns and what its impetus could have been. Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading, slowly but surely.
Eyes without a face; belonging perhaps to some formless animal, or monster, or god.
Nice title drop. Well, this chapter was shorter, but its contents speak volumes. This chapter made me realize just how much of her "humanity" (Perhaps empathy/pathos is a more suitable term) Rose was losing through her actions. To quote Friedrich Nietzsche, "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." Luckily for Rose (hmm, is her name just Rose, Roseluck or first name Rose last name Luck; the latter would allow you to make a Lady Luck pun...), looking into the eyes of the officer she was choking snapped her out of this purely ruthless mindset and maybe she'll try to work with more finesse and efficiency with her tactics. Also, I am delightfully surprised as to the symbolism of the elements of the soon to be costume, the purpose of the cape and hat were things I hadn't even pondered. Oh, you've also thrown more doubt on my theory of the "psycho" 's identity with the revelation of the Commissioner, so kudos for that. Once again, I look forward to reading the next installment. Good day.
PS: One thing I must ask, was it Tiger Voice or Scope's new partner that knocked out/framed Rose in chapter 5? I've read it a couple of times already (and maybe the insomnia is just messing me up) but I still can't tell.
"PS: One thing I must ask, was it Tiger Voice or Scope's new partner that knocked out/framed Rose in chapter 5? I've read it a couple of times already (and maybe the insomnia is just messing me up) but I still can't tell." To answer that question, you're not supposed too know for sure. I left it ambiguous on purpose. (don't worry it will make perfect sense by the end .)
" Also, I am delightfully surprised as to the symbolism of the elements of the soon to be costume, the purpose of the cape and hat were things I hadn't even pondered." You should know that this comment of yours has made my entire day, and possibly my entire career as a fan-fiction writer. I wasn't sure how that would go over and i'm glad you liked it.
as always thanks for reading.
I enjoyed the symbolism as well, though I'd already thought of the fact that the costume was designed for those things during the episode.
I'm still loving every word of this story, and pimping it out to everypony I can get to read it. Looking forward to the next chapter, and both shocked and fascinated by what you've done with Twi! I wonder... was that our Psycho? Or is our Psycho another of the Mane 6 whose element has gone a little... off?
And, like Rose herself, this story finds its way back to the world of the living triumphantly! 
Made my day to see the update notification for this one, and I read it as fast as I could. Beautiful as always, and I think I'm actually glad to see what's happening to Rose here, as twisted as that might sound. 
She's learning the flipside of the darkness she's embraced, and hopefully it'll save her from taking it in too deeply.
That said, I would like to defend her, morally, for the issue with the Diamond Dog. Unlike Daisy and Lily, the Dogs were being *paid* to be bodyguards, and kind of trying to kill her. There's a world of difference between protecting yourself and murdering somepony in their own home who hasn't done anything to warrant it, and didn't know they were in danger. Even if she'd killed Filthy, he willingly stepped into what he knew was a dangerous world.
An excellent observation Shrinky, but unfortunately (and as you've probably noticed by now) Rose doesn't, or rather it would seem, is incapable of interacting with her world in such a practical, logical, and objective fashion. Rose feels things too strongly and is unable to differentiate herself from the people she encounters. Yes you're correct in saying that Rose was attacked and thus obligated to defend herself, but that isn't the point. The point is she did to another soul what was done to her, what effectively ruined her life, and because of that she see's herself as being the same as Manehattan and her criminals. That and the fact that she enjoyed doing it breaks her heart, because in the act of taking pleasure in another's pain, she embodies everything she hates and fights against.
Thanks as always for reading Shrinky, and sorry about the wait. This chapter took me forever to nail down, and I still don't like the way it came out . Might go back and tweak some things later. For now i'm glad you're enjoying my work, and I wish I had more readers like you...Hell, I wish I had more readers. My poor baby doesn't get many hits on this site. (Sshhh, don't tell Rose. It might upset her that no one is all that interested in her harrowing life journey 
You know how touchy she can be.)
Hey, it happens, and I do my best when I can to boost that hit level. :) For example, I plan to use it as an example in a panel of mine that I plan to hold at Midwestria this September!
And, of course, you also know about my other plan. 
I'm just poking around to see if I can drum up any other VA's who are willing to help me out by taking on some of the dialogue. Speaking of which, if anypony reading this would like to volunteer to help with reading some dialogue into a mic, drop me a line. Please? 
<- Sad Pinkie demands it!
(Is *she* the 'psycho' referenced in here? *ponders*)
I read the story as it was the day before you took it down for editing, and I just want to say that it's one of the best things I've ever read. I've written Mare-Do-Well, as Pinkie Pie trained to use her Pinkie Sense and odd gadgets, and I'm slightly sad to say that your Mare-Do-Well absolutely shits all over mine. You make me feel the way Trent Reznor felt after Johnny Cash covered 'Hurt', or the way anyone who had written The Punisher felt after Garth Ennis started writing him. Please send me a PM or something as soon as the story is back up, I'd like to send some greatly deserved page views your way.
That actually sounds awesome! My Mare-Do-Well certainly takes a few cues from Allen Moore's character Rorschach, but it's more inspired by Frank Miller's Sin City, and a few of Grant Morison's takes on Batman. I feel I have the character's voice down, and my narration is solid (if not a bit overdone) its just my actually storytelling abilities are not great. If I could get a few pointers on: Pacing, characterization, things like that. I think my scene writing is good in that I'm confident I can paint a pretty picture when something's happening, but I have no idea what to do when it comes to things like exposition.
In short I really could use some help .
I think what you see as weak skills with exposition come off to the reader as highly disciplined first-person writing. The reader is kept tantalized by the sparse hints and details, and that makes every extra little thing we glean from Rose's narration that much sweeter.
Chapters should be chock-full of elements, but it's true they need their downtime. Let's look at the following model graph, which I call "The Progression Chart."
4
1 3 /\
/\ 2 /\ / \
/ \ /\/ \/ \
/ \/ \
Basically, this poorly text-drawn graph indicates what a good story needs. The first hump , the Beginning, should go off like a gunshot, really get the reader's attention. The second hump, the Breather, should allow for some exposition and story as opposed to action. This allows the reader to become more comfortable in the world presented by the story. The third hump, the Buildup, is the events of the story that make way for the climax at the end of the story. This includes things like foreshadowing (which should be done in subtle amounts) and character development (which should be more noticeable and dynamic). The fourth hump, the Breakdown, is the final climax of the story. It is here where the heroes and villains finally face each other in a battle of wit, strategy, brute force, or other means.
If your story doesn't fit this model--it doesn't have to, but this being a noir adventure/mystery, it really ought to--then you should try rewriting it so that you know when to throw adventure at your audience, and when to back off.
Redirected here from Chuckfinley's "Banishment Decree" he (or she) said it was really good.
This is really dark, but really well done. The repetition is very suitable for someone who is becoming unhinged from reality and spinning in circles. Will definitely continue reading!
I'm going with the first bit of what Shrinky Frod said, I guess I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't expect that.
I've enjoyed this story so far, but this chapter's conclusion is too far off the dark end for me. While your writing style is quite good and the story progression engaging, it's not enough to keep me reading in light of the extremely brutal content. If I might make a suggestion, perhaps you could put a note in the story's description warning of the graphic content?
Well I'm sorry to have lost you as a reader, Luminous. The story is tagged "Dark" for a reason; it's not a nice story and it's full of monsters and lowlifes and unfortunately our protagonist Rose is no exception. If it makes you feel any differently there aren't anymore explicit scenes of sexual violence, though there are several allusions to it and there have been since ch. 4.
If you've been paying attention, you've likely noticed by now that almost every scene of overt violence is followed by or coupled with some act of sex: Fedora/Blondie in ch.4, The Feds/Sparkle in ch. 8; even the death of Tiger Voice is tinged with sexuality. If you recall during his murder Rose describes the scene as Tiger Voice being "pushed into Manehattan's embrace," sharing "Bloody, gritty kisses," and in the end Tiger Voice "Passes out from the strain of their lovemaking. Even Rose's batons that she uses throughout the story can be read as a phallic symbol and a subtle metaphor for rape/sodomy, given that they are long shafts which she uses to hurt ponies.
All of this was done intentionally and the ending of ch.8 was meant to be the height of Rose's sexually depravity. Sure she decided that she didn't want to kill anymore after the confrontation in the interrogation room, but it's not until going too far with Sparkle and facing her true demon does Rose become aware of how far she's fallen.
But the healing begins in Ch.9. I highly recommend you give the next chapter a go before you give up on Rose and her story (and trust me when I say it really is her story. I love Rose because she's the kind of character who just writes herself.). But even if you don't that's cool too. Messed up stuff happens in my stories and I'll be the first to tell you my flare for depravity isn't for everyone.
Well thanks anyway for reading as much as you did.
I'd noticed the sexual allusions early on and while I can't say I felt totally comfortable (nor, I assume, was I meant to) it was at background levels. Then it just kind of ramped up exponentially in 8. It's like watching a horror movie: the monster dodges the camera for the first half of the movie, disturbing the viewers but keeping to the shadows until it's suddenly spotlit in all its horrific glory, shocking the audience. I'd been marathoning since chapter 4 and I think what I needed was a little break to get over the shock of having the monster thrown at me. It was a bit overwhelming (speaks for your writing).
I understand that what was done (the building of the symbolism and imagery) was done for the story (and for the character) and I can respect that. That said I've taken your advice and continued reading (it was worth it, I'm happy to say), for why do we watch heroes fall if not to rise with them as they pick themselves back up?
This story... This story!
This is my new favorite. Like, ever. So brutal, and horrible, and so beautifully captivating. You've got the noir feel down pat, and you write violence that could get kkat wet. Tracked the fuck up and faved and followed, all of that jazz. This deserves a thousand bazillion favorites. All the favorites.
Looking forward to more.
Now you know how I feel about THIS STORY!
Speaking of which... Jub, you magnificent bastard, you update it just before I go out of town for a business trip? Even if it is only an overnighter, I'm gonna be hard pressed to focus during tomorrow's training session knowing this is waiting for me!
Unless I read through it before bed... hmm.....
for stove-top interrogation. Painful, brutal, messy. I wonder what happens next.
Wait, who killed Daisy and Lily? Was it Rose? And why in the synopsis of the story, it said that Lily, Daisy, and Rose were all dead, but Rose is our main character? Is it explained later? Does Rose eventually die, and someone close to her takes over in her place? I have a feeling that I will need to keep reading to find these answers, and that is just the way I like it. BTW, spoilers will result in banishment to the moon.
You made Applejack a stripper?
Image: http://iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/1804120359113092686123057.gif?1320350263Yah, I was just a little p**sed off about that.
Also, Love the detail, never to much, never too little, and always where it is most important.
.The right kind of kind of too much. This needs fixed.
Image: http://cdn.memestache.com/2012/6/11/998124c24de923248bbb0848deb471a7.jpgThis is all I can say.
No idea on who killed Daisy and Lily, but it wasn't Rose, she was forced to watch it happen and then was probably injured badly and left to die herself, so like a few other people around that became heroes/vigilantes, the civilian Rose died, and the hero Mare-Do-Well was reborn. At least that's the vibe I'm getting from the first couple of chapters, particularly given she keeps seeing Daisy and Lily being murdered whenever she closes her eyes for any reason.
? or how about >>419022 To tell you the truth, I never would have found this story if I hadn't happened to wander upon your comment on 'High Quality Fictions'. Call it what you will, I'm glad I found that comment. The story is intriguing and complex, and I love it. I wish there where more stories with this much effort put into them. When this is all said and done, I will submit it to be considered a place in 'High Quality Fictions'. I really think that it deserves a spot.
Writing praise for this fic is hard, not because it is not great but because it is so well done in such a unique style makes it hard to articulate how one feels about this amazing story.
The plot is good.
the characterization done in a unique refreshing style that fits the overall story quite nicely.
It excites emotions from the reader in a unique and overall well done way.
Oh I don't know -- because this story is bucking amazing! Because it's unlike any other fic you've ever read! Because it's new, bold, unapologetic, edgy, mischievous, and completely crazy!
Seriously though, writing this thing has been a blast for me, and I really am glad that you're reading it, even if you don't know why. To be honest, on some level, I'm not sure why I'm writing it. .
Image: http://i666.photobucket.com/albums/vv25/drakmorg/HeavyDance.gif
Ah yes, the infamous chapter eight response. Well to answer your question: I actually asked one of the sites admins (Wanderer D) if I needed to up the rating to Mature and I was told it's fine if I leave it teen -- because while my story is pretty freaking violent, the M stuff is really only for gore/sex fics. Though I think it's totally fair to suggest it could be Mature for the last scene in chapter eight alone.
Oh and thanks for reading
.
Thank YOU for writing.
I never thought I'd read a thing darker than Project Horizons.
Well to be fair I still don't but this comes damn close. And like the above mentioned fiction it does it in all the right ways. The ways that make you really feel what it is to be part of a world of murder and rape, part of it, and it part of you. The good old Ultraviolence.
I saw your complaints about your own writing concerning character and pacing. The pacing is perfect, I can see the ways in which it is 'wrong', but you are writing the perspective of a broken mare, and everything happening slowly, but all at once, is how she sees the world. Your pacing is necessary to feel the world in a broken way, and that is what this story is about. For character I would say the same thing.
Thank you for writing.
P.S I've been listening to "Within Temptation" while reading this. Most of their songs time quite well into this.
Well I actually meant the pacing of the entire story, chapter to chapter, whereas you seem to be talking more of pacing within each scene, when things happen "Fast and slow and all at once," as Rose so eloquently puts it. I assure all scene pacing is done like this intentionally in order to, as you rather keenly observed, reflect Rose's broken world view. I'm actually very proud of my ability to write a good scene, as I think it is one of the few aspects of my writing game that is actually any good. But what I was referring to was the pace of the overall story. I feel like chapters 1 through 6 flow perfectly, but after that it starts to get a little messy. Originally I actually only wanted this story to be much shorter, but about halfway through I got a little over ambitious and decided I wanted to do more with it.
Also, glad to hear from another fan of the good old ultra-violence. It's pretty rare that you run into people who enjoy stuff like that in writing, especially in this fandom. I personally think violence is one of the most fascinating subjects to explore, because it's one of those aspects of the human condition that is as inevitable as it is frightening, dangerous, ugly and alluring. It's quite a daunting subject if you think about it: very human and very easy to relate to, but at the same time it's fairly difficult to grasp all subtle intricacies surrounding mankind's fascination with violence, and our strong inclination to use it.
On an emotional and intellectual level, I literally love violence; it's a crucial element of this story. Trouble is I feel like, as an author, readers don't take violent stories seriously. If people (or ponies in this case) are maiming each other, readers have a tendency to write it off as "gore porn" or what have you. I love violence, but I do not write gore porn; though I admit fans of such erotica -- i.e. people who get off on hurting others/watching others get hurt -- interest me greatly, as you can probably tell from reading this story, seeing as how the main character is certainly that kind of person.
Phew, that was a lot... Not sure why I wrote so much. Guess I just really needed to get that off my chest
.
Me and violence have an interesting relationship as well. The gap between what I am capable of, and what I can allow myself to do is immense; and I often find myself staring at it in fascination. Sometimes, I look into another persons eyes as they eye the back of someones head, and I see them staring at the same gap in themselves.
People don't take violence seriously because shadowy substitutes have taken its place in our society. Mortal combat is done with appearances in the first world. Trial by combat, combat by words. And such warriors make sure that the old violence is a dream for most people.
For most people, violence is that stuff that happens in anime and video games. A dance with flashy lights. A dance that I enjoy the hell out of. I am a gamer, I play with pseudo-violent fantasies like D&D, I spar using restricted martial arts, politely refusing to hit my opponent in a way or a place that invokes that old proto-reptilian, primal fear.
I will never fall into that gap. The one in which I can rip your throat out, and feel your blood in my mouth...
Which is all the more reason to absolutely love what you have done here. You have given me an experience that I wouldn't get anywhere else; except in the dreams in which I lose myself completely.
"Gore-porn" isn't something I can read, because violence isn't really violence if it doesn't have the motivation; the purpose. All good stories are in some way, about motivation. This is not an exception.
Purpose is the ultimate power in the world.
As for chapter pacing. I think you are doing fine. What happened with Junebug was important. What Rose is going through is important. Nothing you have written is filler.
seems like I wrote another long post responding to yours. I'll try to stop before the comment section turns into my rant zone (always a danger).
"Purpose is the ultimate power in the world."
I could not agree you more on this. Literally everything I do in my writing, I try to do with purpose. You've probably noticed that I break a lot of "rules" with my narrative style. As in: using repetition, a ton of sentence fragments, and run on sentences which I like to refer to as the "And, and, and" style of structuring sentences. All of this is done intentionally to further illustrate Rose's broken world view, showing that even the way she expresses herself is broken and, in some spots, blatantly incomprehensible (as was the chase in Ch 10).
Also, I chose to write the story in present tense (which I really hate and once I finish this project will likely never do again) to create a stronger sense of immediacy that would reflect Rose's tendency to lose herself in heated moments, and also further illustrate how deep the trauma of losing her friends was for her: because every time she close her eyes "The noose slips easily around Daisy's neck" as if to suggest that it hasn't happened, but rather it is still happening and Rose is still trying to escape it.
I may not be the best writer out there but I can proudly say that I am the least arbitrary, in that I try to ensure everything -- and I do mean every little thing -- in the narrative is there for a reason. And I really hate filler.
Ugh, it's so frustrating sometimes. I feel like I'm putting so much thought and effort into this thing, and people just aren't taking notice. I'm still coming up short .
...And now I'm just venting aimlessly... I really should just go to bed.
L-Lyra?
What happened to you? How did you fall so far? And Rose, What more do you have planned? How long are you going to continue to fool them? Will you redeem yourself and find your way back to Redheart? When are we going to learn more about your nightmare?
Twilight...
Well, shit's going to hit the fan now. I refuse to believe Celestia isn't going to care that her prized pupil is now street art, and I KNOW her brother is going to give quite a few fucks. I could easily see Manehattan being brought under martial law due to this on either of the aboves' authority, and with Mare-Do-Well stuck in the middle, well, that would make for a very interesting fan fic.
My biggest issue with this fic (aside from you killing my waifu) is that Rose has never worn the costume. I first found this story because I was looking for a good Mare-Do-Well fic, and, while this is a masterpiece of the fanfiction world, when you have Mare-Do-Well as your cover image and you go sixteen chapters and 94,878 words without the costume even existing, there's a problem. That said, she could go the whole story and not put on the costume once and this would still be a masterpiece. A disappointment and a missed opportunity, but a masterpiece.
Oh. My.
...Welp, I maintain that in some circumstances, death is mercy. In this case... Yes.
I often wonder where this is going, though. Roseluck has stumbled pretty far past the moral event horizon, and is pretty damn close to being a complete monster. At the very least, she still understands that what she's doing is wrong.
You'd have thought by now that everyone would learn to leave Rose alone. She's like a brick wall covered in barbed wire- trying to fight it is only going to break you and tear you apart. I'm kind of worried about what Redheart is going to find when Rose returns. Whatever it is, it probably won't be pretty.
>>923417 You and your TV Tropes.
I was kinda hoping for Rose to look up at the night sky.
"Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot."
*A paper airplane gets thrown in by a bored guard and pokes Rose in the head*
"This must be some kind of sign! From now on, I will terrify the criminal underworld... *crushes paper airplane*... as the Crimson Papercut!"
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA PAPERCUUUUUUUT
The Statue of Friendship? Nice :D Could have it rhyme with the original if it were the Statue of Harmony, though.
I half-expected Big Sis to be Fluttershy. If you're planning on hitting up the rest of the Mane 6 I can see that this story has quite a bit more ground to cover.
Everyone loves Rose, huh? Well there is something admirable about her, pushing her way through all the sadness, all the hatred and the madness. Now she's falling apart, and so far from home...
I wonder if there'll be anything left of her by the end of all this.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought Fluttershy was going to be Big Sis. I'm not sure if the lack of another Evil Fluttershy pleases me or not, thought I guess there is still time.
I've finally decided on the soundtrack to this story, Cannibal Song Book from Jack Off Jill. "Swollen" and "Working With Meat" especially seem to match the sadomasochism and general depravity of everything.
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