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Twilight's life is treading on very thin ice, and the only hope is for her to open her eyes, tonight. After a conversation with the doctor about Twilight's condition, Celestia enters her room and talks to her. After all, it might be their last night together.
“This is really hard for me to say, since I know Ms. Sparkle means a lot to you, Your Highness, but... if her body rejects once again the medicines we supplied to her a while ago and doesn’t wake up tonight, I don’t think she’s going to make it to watch your beautiful sun rise into the morning sky. ”
I'd rewrite this entire paragraph if I were you. It is a single run-on sentence.
Also, I'm pretty sure the once again bit should go like:
if her body once again rejects the medicines
or
if her body the medicines once again
less spit it to Twilight.“If you leave us, everypony will be crushed.
Missing space.
“I am truly lucky to meet you,
Was. We're talking past tense here.
I'm going to be honest here. I didn't like it, and that's five minutes of my life I'll never get back. The premise has almost been done to death, and there's almost always one of these stories in the featured box when I'm looking, so no points for originality.
Celestia's reaction doesn't feel in character. Her lose of composure is a big hit against the story. She's over 1000 years old, and has no doubt experienced death more times than she cares to remember, so the whole breaking down into tears doesn't do it. In my eyes she would be sad, but mostly numb to the situation.
Tying in with the grammatical errors, there is a lot of poor word choices, like 'acquiring' the disease. It makes sense, but contracted would be more appropriate to the situation.
Finally, the earlier dialogue, and this one is a poor choice I see writers make constantly. There is only dialogue. There is so much more to interaction than just the words spoken, body language plays a huge part, but you've completely ommited it from Celestia's conversation with the nurse. Add some expressions, movements and tones in, it'll make your characters feel more natural.
I dunno, these kind of stories seem to be a bit of a trend 
.
This was not bad for your first sad fic but of course you could try to be more orginial next time and provide more details, for instance what is the disease and for how long has Twilight had it for, also I'm afraid I'll have to deduct points for using the 'Celestia is an imortal sun goddess' idea, it's been done to death unfournately. 
>>1313484 Honestly I liked your story better than most sadfics with similar plots, if only because it left a little room for hope at the end. I've read to many stories where everyone loses and the ending leaves no room for happiness. I get that entertainment as of late has been leaning towards realism, but honestly people like to see the hero/heroine manage through despite all odds, we like seeing a happy ending...
And I'm just uselessly ranting...
TL:DR Anyway Great story, don't care its generic, liked the room for hope.
>>1313484 Yeah so either I've developed a heart of stone or immunity to these kind of fics but I didn't cry. Don't rightly know why, this is certainly well written if a bit generic but you've already made that admission. I think I'd actually be more interested in the little Trixie reference you made.
Well, I'm not going to alter a review based on whether it's your first try or anything like that, so buckle up.
Word repetition at the start is a huge problem. Almost all of the sentences need rewording to avoid it, and then later, there are a fair number of very questionable word choices that make the narrative feel a little immature and unsophisticated. The dialogue suffers from this, too, with many lines (more towards the beginning) feeling completely unlike anything any real person, let alone Celestia, would say. Lastly, much of the sentence structure was, while serviceable, rather dull. Groups of very short sentences and long ones with repetitive rhythms add to the feeling of unwelcome simplicity.
From a less technical perspective, the tone was functional, and avoided many of the potential pit traps that similar pieces fall into. It didn't overreach, or try to force anything that wasn't there, which made it fairly readable despite the technically dry narration. A little bit tell-y on occasion, but actually not that bad, perhaps even better than the average on FIMFiction (although I'm not sure how much of a plus you'll take that as). Though I suspect it pulls tears from the eyes of many of your target audience, I'm afraid it's won't be because of a well executed plot or anything more than the most base emotional manipulation.
As seems to forever be my main criticism these days, it isn't really a story at all, but a scene in narrative format. There is no struggle, or twist, or sense of attachment, beyond that which is stolen form the show. It's too short to be a full story, yet too rambling to be a simple exposition of an idea.
Score: ☼☼
Not actually bad, but flawed in very basic ways that make it unremarkable. Feel free to drop me an email if you require any explanations of my comments.
-Scott 'Inquisitor' Mence
Not gonna cry... not gonna cry, SON OF A BITCH, I'M NOT GONNA CRY!!! 
Aw, buck it... this was amazing, beautiful, powerful, and filled to the brim with hnnnggh. This was my face when I finished reading...
All in all, a good start. Keep working at your descriptions (without over-doing it), and you should have an easier time.
I think everyone agrees Celly and Twi have something very special, and this was a nice addition to the sub-genre. 
Stop hitting my feels. They're not used to it.
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In a good way. 
Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6zym9OFsr1qbmrgd.gif
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- guess i need a new student to troll
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