1. Member Since 15th Jul, 2012
  2. offline for 6h, 40m

What up guys, im a chill stoner brony who likes nothing better than to rip a bong and read about the adventures of our favorite ponies. I've been a long time user of this site, and im on here every da

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Spike is now a teenager, and over the years he has built up a strong hatred for the ponies. After an incident that involving three rampaging manticores, all of the pent up rage and hatred is released, and the peaceful dragon is transformed into a bloodthirsty monster with power that only grows with the building hatred he possesses . With the dragon on a rampage, The Elements Of Harmony are useless due to being countered by the newly found Elements Of Disharmony. Will they be able to get Spike back? Or will he be completely consumed beyond all salvation.

(This is my first attempt at a fanfiction, so constructive criticism is welcome. i ask for honest opinions)

May include rainbowspike later

Cover art by ss2sonic on deviantart

( http://ss2sonic.deviantart.com/gallery/30127646?offset=24#/d4s6syk )

First Published
21st Sep 2012
Last Modified
21st Sep 2012
#1 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

Ok I have to ask, does Spike have the Kyubbi inside of him? (Nine Tails Fox)q

#2 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

No capitalization in the description.

#3 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·


As Art stated, you didn't use a single capital in the title that alone is a massive turn away for anyone who might have been looking to read it.

I've checked the first few paragraphs in the story and you seem to have just taken Spikes character and completely threw it out the window.

I can understand making a few changes with him to help go with the story.

But it feels as though you shot spike buried him in a hole, ran out grabbed another dragon and shouted "Hey this is spike look how angry he is"

Honestly there is more I could go into, but I do not have the time to go through all of it with you.

-Work on the Description, make it look presentable and maybe more people will be willing to give it a chance

-Get Spike back in character, work the story to fit the Character, or at least give us a damn good reason to accept that Spike is some giant dick now

"She never loved me." that line alone makes me want to thumbs this down and walk out, but I will not rate this story, I'll be back when there is a chapter 2 and then I will give my verdict.

#4 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

I didn't read it but I can already tell you some things you're doing wrong after having read the description.

1. Everything Thorax said... especially about the description. You ask why I didn't read? That's why.

2. "built up strong hatred", "pent up rage and hatred", "bloodthirsty monster"

2 1/2. Tags: tragedy, dark, sad. Those tags, when paired with the above quotes, make it obvious that you're trying waaay too hard to make it dark for the sake of being dark. Readers don't like that.

3. "power that rivals the Alicorn princesses"... No, no, no. I was skeptical when Chrysalis did it in the actual show. There is no reason for this except for laziness. If you can't think of a better way for a threat to feel threatening, you need to go back to the drawing board.

#5 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

You got my attention. Pray you don't lose it, but tell us why he hates ponies

#6 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1311217 fixed.

>>1311691 i will in one of the upcoming chapters. and i hope i dont lose it. but as i said, this is my first attempt at a fanfiction, so if it goes downhill i will rewrite it to make it better.

>>1311284 fixed the description, and there will be flashbacks throughout to tell why he is like this now. i already thought about that. and for the record, i said "she never cared about him." and please keep in mind that this is my FIRST ATTEMPT! i have no experience writing, so cut me some slack. i mean, we all start out somewhere right? also, if you have any suggestions for changes. lay them on me, i am all ears...

>>1311214 answer to said question is a big N.O

>>1311528well thanks for the feedback, this is my first attempt as i have said, do you have any suggestions for the description? i changed it but in my opinion it is now worse. and changed the tags too. god i am screwing up for my first time at this...:facehoof: well if you have any suggestions, i would appreciate them. and i still do need to go to the drawing board again, and i already know this:ajbemused: and you are right, i didn't focus too much on this. it was just something that happened when i was bored.


*sigh* maybe i should leave the writing to the people who are actually good at it and just give up


#7 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1311814 Don't think of it as hate. We may come off as harsh but if we didn't want to help we wouldn't have typed anything in the first place. I can tell you now that the description is 200 times better than it was. There are still errors in it that you're going to want to go over. Don't take this the wrong way but I recommend reading up on basic grammar. I always tell people that the description is the first impression you make on potential readers. It should be flawless.

However, as I said, it's better. The use of capitalization makes it tolerable to look at, at least. It's a good first step to improving. (though you still may want to tone down the unnecessarily grimdark thing you have going on)

#8 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

Well then, That would be the first story I have allowed myself to look at with the Tag "Tragedy" in it. So far i like it it was what you woud expect a grown dragon to behave after years of pent up instinct. this seems interesting enough and i think it has potential.

And whats this? even on likes and dislikes? thats to boring...time to make it uneven.

#9 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·


Whoa, calm down there, my friend. Don't just give up writing forever just because some people pointed out the flaws in your fic.  They're not trying to force you to quit, they want you to become better so you can be one of those "people who are actually good at it".

By the way, your story is miles above some of the trash I've been reviewing. Yeah, it's not perfect, but I can see that you can definitely write. Your grammar is great (and I see you've got an editor too, so kudos to you), and judging from the other comments, you're slowly improving. I do, however, have to say that Spike being unnecessarily rude is kind of a turn off. I mean, he was happy to see the pony he used to have a crush on cry herself home! That ain't the :moustache:we know and love.

So keep working on Spike's characterization. But seriously though, you've got potential. And besides, we've all gotta start somewhere, right? (And this is coming from a guy whose first fic was a Gary-Sue...)

Best of luck to ya mate! ~Schlippy

#10 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1311814 trust me when I say this: there is a lot of potential in this story, just has some holes that need  to be filled. Remember the good writers that have a lot of love now, started out getting hate

#11 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1311923 thanks for the support and ways to make it better, thank you for that.

>>1312024 thank you for the like, i really appreciate it, i just hope i can get better at writing and make this a lot better.

>>1312176 thanks for the support,  and i will continue this. i just have to make the next chapter good, i am planning to stretch this out as much as i can. i just will have to put together a full story line and make it presentable. and yeah, i admit i need to stretch out the part with rarity, go into more detail on it. maybe in a flashback? tell me what you think about that

.>>1312232 yeah, i guess. and thanks for the support, it has holes that need to be filled, and hopefully i will be able to fill said holes in the near future, now i need to finish the next chapter, i hope i could get it up in the next two days. i wrote the prologue in one sitting, and looking ahead i see this story could be a good 50,000 words at least, but we'll cross that bridge then we come to it eh? but thanks for the support.:twilightsmile:

#12 · 140w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1312503 Well from what i see, you will you are pretty good at it already, unlike me i am a grammical mess. lol if i didn't have a proff reader i wouldn't even attemp to write :rainbowlaugh:

Anywho i look forward to were this goes, though i hope it isent to tragic. But thats comming from a guy who crys at even the smallest sad anything. lol

As for Advice, Well i would say try not focus on just one thing let your story branch out a little and dont give up, you have potental as a good writer. like me my first story is all but dead and full of holes :rainbowlaugh: and well my other story isent that amazing eather. lol But yeah just keep tryng and im sure you will do just fine.

#13 · 140w, 23h ago · · ·

>>1312520 *puts on determined face* i will not disappoint.

#15 · 140w, 22h ago · · ·

>>1312634  she is best pony after all... thank you. will have the next chapter up soon, i have all the time in the world, being a drop out and all. but i don't want to rush it.:twilightsmile:

oh, and i saved that picture :ajsmug:

#16 · 140w, 22h ago · · ·

>>1312718 You can never rush greatness after all and you are quite welcome.

#17 · 140w, 22h ago · · ·

>>1312724 and thank you for the compliment. and if you cry over the little things, there may be some parts in this where you cry. no spoilers here, but heads up.

#18 · 140w, 22h ago · · ·

>>1312726 Okie Dokie Loki! i'll prob still read it anyway :rainbowlaugh: I like storys were Spike isent depicted as the little baby dragon. Even if he is still awesome as one.

#19 · 140w, 19h ago · · ·

>>1311814Ok just makin sure cause the picture makes it look like it

#20 · 140w, 18h ago · · ·

holy shit this story is awesome. this is what i tried to do with my story but damn this blew it out of the water  

#21 · 140w, 9h ago · · ·

>>1313109 okay, it can not be that good. i wrote it but i feel i screwed up big time... do you really think that? because if you do. there is more to come, and plus. i have more story ideas like this one that are in production now... but do you really like it?

#22 · 140w, 4h ago · · ·

I like this. I expect great things from this.

#23 · 140w, 4h ago · · ·

>>1316131 remember, this is a first attempt, but i hope to satisfy your expectations. i just hope i am good enough. i have a plot planned out and it will be EPIC! but if it is written like the prologue it will not be as good. what impression did the prologue make on you? because i say i suck at writing.:ajsleepy:

#24 · 139w, 6d ago · · ·


It wasn't that bad. Give the Spike a bit more justification than just a building resentment. There has to be a trigger event that caused that resentment. A keep him in character aswell.

#25 · 139w, 6d ago · · ·

I agree with the others about Spikes character development. Not that he needs to be more canonized, I just agree that you should elaborate on why he has so much bitterness about the ponies. It's YOUR story, and so it can be as far from canon as you'd like. As for the writing, me gusta. I tend to stay away from these tags, but I read it because I kind of told you I would.

At fist I was like, aw damn, I thought his first fic was going to be a romance. Ya know what though? I like it so far. I like it alot. Kepp it up with your determination, cuz you're not a bad writer at all.

#26 · 139w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1318333 there will be flashbacks in the upcoming chapters explaining why... already had that planned out

>>1320144 ^^^^^ read that comment. and like it said in the description, "May include rainbowspike later" i already made a set-up for it in the prologue. although, i may, or may not decide to work off of it. thanks for the fav dashie:pinkiehappy:

#27 · 139w, 6d ago · · ·


Yep, yep. I look forward to reading more.

#29 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1311284Dude, it's his/her(sorry, don't know if they're a guy or a girl) story. Just because this is a MLP site, doesn't mean you have to stick to character. If everyone did that, we would have no diversification. It's okay to say stick to character when you're talking about a character that's not the focus of the story, but not when you're talking about the main character. This story is about a different Spike that has grown up to hate ponies, not the same Spike who was always the good little dragon. You telling the author to stick to his character is like saying do it my way, not your way. Sorry to go off on you, but this kinda thing just tends to piss me off.

#30 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·


Actually I'm saying, give me a reason to believe he grew up to hate ponies.

I have no problem with changing a character, but when you jump forwards in time and give us no reasoning behind it, you've basically chucked the entire shows story out the window and said "This is who he is now"

It's like me taking Twilight and telling you "She hates magic and she's a farmer now" are you going to accept that? or would you rather I give a good reason as to why that's happening?

#31 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1327514Okay, I may have taken the way you worded your comment wrong.I agree with you there, but when I read your comment, what I saw was 'change character now, doesn't follow canon.' Was just worded a little wierdly for me.

#32 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·


I'll have to go back and re-word it.

I have no problem with changing a characters personality, but for something so Drastic, I expect a pretty good reason.

#33 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1327900Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there.

#34 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1327505 i am a dude my friend...:twilightsmile: sooooo... i just gotta ask... how did you like the prologue?:duck:

#35 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1328787Loved it. Badass Spike with anger issues who could go into pure rage filled destruction mode at any given time. Hmmm, let's see here. Very angry Spike + plot twist + shenigans=SO MUCH FUCKING WIN!:pinkiehappy:

#36 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1328842 oh trust me, spike will be pushed over the edge, and when he is, there will be consequences to anyone in his way:pinkiecrazy: if you like pissed off spike, you will like this story. i will have the next chapter up soon, but whenever i write, I FIND A FANFICTION I HAVE TO READ AND I GET ADDICTED!!!!!!!!!!!! but i will have more up soon. and thanks for the compliment on the story:pinkiehappy:

#37 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1328955I know how you feel. I have the next 2 chapters (both of which I'm positive are at least 4.5-5k words long) of my story written out, but whenever I go to type 'em up, I find a new story or an updated favorite. So frustrating sometimes.

#38 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1328983 finally, someone who understands:pinkiehappy: here, have a watch:twilightsmile:

#39 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1329055Thanks:pinkiehappy: I'd watch you if I could. But according to at least 5 other people, the watch button is broken for Internet Explorer users. Soon as I get my dad's phone, I'll watch you on that. God that sounded creepy. I will click the watch button for your profile on the phone. There, much better:pinkiesmile:

#40 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1329226 get firefox, more user-friendly and better add-ons

#41 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1329234No way in hell I am getting Mozilla again. It hates my guts. Without going into detail, I tried going to google, and I got some wierd (russian? some wierd language that looked like russian or some other wierd european language) Youtube. I tried going here and it took me to a porn site. It HATES me.:facehoof:

#42 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1329284 lol, how about opera? it loads hella fast.

#43 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1329459No idea what that is. And I can't reply back after this message. I have school tomorrow, and I need to go to bed.

#44 · 139w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1329478 well look it up, opera loves everyone,

#45 · 138w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1329483 well it was pretty good and i have to agree with you opera does love everone


#47 · 138w, 1d ago · · ·

hey where did you get that emoticon:rainbowhuh:

#48 · 138w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1388395 i dont know where everyone gets them. i just copied the image location from another story...

#50 · 136w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1447149:rainbowlaugh: i hope to have more of this up soon... no inspiration has come to me lately...:ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy::ajsleepy:

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