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After Diamond Tiara is tragically killed in a freak accident on a school trip, wanting to keep this from his wife Screwball in case it sends her into insanity, Filthy Rich does a deal with a Changeling to gain a replacement daughter. But things do not go according to plan, as the Changeling has it's own needs...
Diamond Tiara dead?
And now her father made a deal with CHANGELINGS?!
After Diamond Tiara is tragically killed in a freak accident on a school trip
You heartless bastard. I know, we all hate her, but she died. Be nice.
Swift Climb's horn glowed softly as he tapped another iron brace into the side of El Chevalier. From when he was a young foal he had deeply envied the pegusai with their ability to soar upon the winds. Since as a unicorn he could not fly, he had taken up the profession of mountain climbing, and a job as a waiter at a bar frequented by pegusai so that he could overhear their flight stories.
How would a horn glow any other way then softly? It's not going to glow hardcore. That just sounds stupid.
Nobody knows what 'El Chevalier' is.
How does a horse climb a mountain? How does that even become a profession? Unless he's an explorer of some kind, he's not going to get paid to climb mountains.
You misspelled 'pegasi' twice.
He well understood the possible dangers;even in the best possible weather a slip in the wrong place could lead to a painful death upon the rocks down below. He also knew that for years now El Chevalier had been closed to climbers due to the danger of dislodged rocks falling upon other ponies down below. The Princesses had decided that whilst they had nothing against mountain climbers risking life and limb it was another thing entirely when their actions put everypony down below in danger. As such he was on his own here; there was no pegusai rescue service for those who fell as there was at many other mountains. Yet the desire to scale one of the few mountains he had not yet climbed was too strong
'He understood'
Do you even know what a semicolon is for?
'Everypony down below'? How big are these mountains, and how long are the ponies watching for?
'As such he was on his own here'
This doesn't even fit into the context of the paragraph. What are you doing?
Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi.
'Although, his burning desire to scale an untouched mountain was spreading throughout his mind, day by day.'
Down below Miss Cherrilee gently shepherded her class off the train. For the annual school trip this year she had taken her class to see El Chevalier and the edge of the Everfree Forest, preserved as a national park at least partly because it was dangerous for anypony to live here in the long term. "Alright, everypony listen up. Nopony is to enter the forest, it's just not safe. That means you, Cutie Mark Crusaders."
You changed tenses here. Quit it.
Yes, I'm sure looking at nature - especially the Everfree, where vicious creatures lurk - is totally in the Equestrian School Curriculum. Also, it's getting more and more obivous that El Chevalier is a mountain, but you could have specified earlier.
Cheerilee is out of character. She's a teacher, not a drill instructor.
Why only partly? The Everfree is dangerous and shouldn't have anypony living inside it, anywhere. Except Zecora, she's one bad motherfucker. I digress. Normal pones shouldn't be able to enter without special privileges, it's dangerous as fuck.
Apple Bloom sighed loudly and rolled her eyes."I may seem to be a killjoy to you, but I'd really rather not have to explain to your parents how you vanished down the throat of a hydra or were eaten by a serpent because you decided to try and get an explorer's cutie mark. The other rules are...don't feed the animals if you see any and do not, whatever you do, take a parasprite home with you. Those things multiply like crazy and are a menace in the civilized areas. Here their predators keep them in check. Let's go."
'Applebloom released an audible sigh, followed by a roll of the eyes'.
She's not even in character. That's something Scootaloo might do.
Yeah, okay, talking about brutal death totally won't scar those kids. Great thinking, Cheerilee.
That's also a great idea! Take them into the forest full of vicious creatures, each of which whom have a passion to kill talking horses.
I haven't got the time to finish editing each paragraph, the errors continue in that same pattern, characters out of character, dumb plot development, plot holes, tense changes, the list goes on.
Your grammar is atrocious - worse than mine. That's saying a lot, although I'm fine with capitalization and spelling, my punctuation, formatting, etc. is way off.
-TeXXy, FCR member.
"I think I see a barrage of snowballs..."
(This isn't a rip off of TWE, we swear!)
...
*sighs* The problem with this, is it just all...comes out of NOWHERE. It feels like...well, it feels like the characters are just puppets on a string. You're not establishing anything, not setting things up. Things just HAPPEN.
Essentially, as a coherant story, it collapses right around the "OH BUCK".
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FCR? What is this?
As for the story, get an editor and proof-reader. It might turn out interesting for other reader, but not me, sorry. I don't have the time to write a full review but look for an editor and proof-reader, you seriously need them.
-Madgod Pim, TWE's Eye Of Mordor, Member Manager and Raging Riffer
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