• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Jul 4th, 2014

Clonehunter


E

Nintencolt Video Games has just released their latest Video Game accessory, something that might just change the face of gaming. It's called the Power Hoof, and Lyra just can't wait to get her own hooves on one! Bonbon has her doubts, but Lyra's initial play time seems to be working out For all Bonbon knows, Lyra might just come to love it more than anything else, and Bonbon fears she may end up loving it too!

Will they end up loving the Power Hoof for all it's worth?

Or is it just so bad?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

Poor Lyra fell for the marketing. Well, at least she got ice cream...
Wait... Bon Bon wants to see Big Mac because he's good with his hooves? :twilightoops:

SHe had some trouble with the censor bar, but she eventually got them to stay on the TV set without them falling off.

She*; sensor*.

But aside from that I rather enjoyed this! Clever idea very well executed.

Though I am disappointed there wasn't a reference to this:

1308493

I think there was a reference to it in the summary or at least that's how I read it.

1308512
lol, it does. I missed that.

Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the second.

Presentation

* Hyphenation. When two words work together to describe a third, you need to put a hyphen (-) between them, unless the first ends in "ly" (i.e. it is an adverb).

single handedly saved

*single-handedly

turquoise colored unicorn flatmate

*turquoise-colored (note that "unicorn" and "flatmate" are both nouns here, so we're leaving them)
* Redundancy. Guard against wastful words, for they add nothing to your story expect bad pacing.

The wood door slammed open and back against the inside wall, nearly causing Bonbon to perhaps quite literally jump out of her skin.

could easily be

The wood door slammed open against the inside wall, nearly causing Bonbon to jump out of her skin.

and

Bonbon fell back onto her haunches and decided to wait

could easily be

Bonbon fell onto her haunches and waited

and

A single lone tear started to crawl down

should be

A single tear crawled down

* It's Bon Bon (or Bon-Bon), not Bonbon.
* Comma placement. You seem mostly fine here, but the first comma in this quote is misplaced.

“It’s, a box,”

If it is your desire to indicate a pause in speak there, use an ellipsis (...) instead.

“It’s... a box,”

* So is it "Nentencolt" or "Nintencolt"?
* Always spell numbers out in words in your fiction writing.

Two hundred bits?! For that rubber? Games don’t even cost 40 bits brand new!

* I take it you're aware that it's no longer standard practice to put two spaces at the ends of your sentences? You can keep doing it, but just keep that in mind.
* "Ice Cream" is not a proper noun.

Story

* The Power Hoof—it's so bad.
* I'm surprised you didn't give Lyra a power glove. According to fanon, that would have excited her more.
* In the end, I have to say that this didn't resonate with me as a reader. You have one joke, and it's been told many times before.

Good day.

1308584

Yah most of that I can see, half because I didn't know really, half because didn't bother or overlooked. (I'm surprised about that 40 thing actually... I thought I hit that). Lol at resonate, I wrote this for shits, and yah, I had no idea if it was actually humorous or not. Comedy isn't my strong suit. *shrug*

Also, I've seen Bonbon used a number of times before. I don't think that's even a note to make lol, but whatever, fandom gonna fandom I guess.

Also, did I spell Nintencolt two different ways? Well, what I get for laziness I guess.

Also, while I've noticed people drop the two spaces, I was never actually aware it had fallen out of popular practice. It's what I grew up with, so old habits die hard?

Other than that, actually that's a pretty good critique for the most part. Quite helpful even, so thank you! :twilightsmile:

Good Day to you!

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