Shining's Sad Shave

Source

Shining Armor wants to go out with his friends, but before he does he must take part in the one of the most essential duties for men. Shaving.

But when a certain little sister gets involved, it results in humiliation for Shining and hilarity for everypony else.

Image Coutesy of Firestorm-CAN: http://firestorm-can.deviantart.com/

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 13 )

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Evil Homer

Evil Homer #1 · Sep 20th, 2012 · · ·

Nice story.
I like the relationship between Shining Armor and Twilight. Very well done.
Kind figured out the surprise ending though but it didn't detract from the story.
Good job.

coolwow

coolwow #2 · Sep 20th, 2012 · · ·

yay, everyone is immature, seriously what is the big deal! 1 pinkie out of 4

Deleth

Deleth #3 · Sep 20th, 2012 · · ·

1308308

Obviously you did not have a childhood worth remembering. The story is great.

Anon-Do-Well

Anon-Do-Well #4 · Sep 20th, 2012 · · ·

Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the sixth.

Presentation

* Use pony-specific terminology, because you're not writing about humans here.

There are many rites of passage one must take to be recognized as a “man”.

"stallion", please.
* Dialog punctuation.

“I am one sexy unicorn stallion.” Shining said

should be

“I am one sexy unicorn stallion,” Shining said

and

She tilted her head to the side in confusion at the sight of the still-activated razor, “what are you doing with the razor?”

should be

She tilted her head to the side in confusion at the sight of the still-activated razor. “What are you doing with the razor?”

* "foalhood" and "adulthood" are both single words (well, "foalhood" would be one if we were ponies).
* No excitement in the world is great enough to justify using three exclamation marks in a row. One will do.
* The cool way to put a long line in the middle of your text is with the BBCode [ hr ] (remove spaces). Having a long line of _s just looks silly and will not go all the way to the right of the screen on all resolutions.

Story

* This was cute and funny. Not mind-blowingly so, but you did a nice job with it. Keep writing comedy.

Good day.

gmen15