Fourteen years ago, the world ended. Heralded by the legendary Sonic Rainboom, a massive explosion occured at the Great Southern Ice Cap. The natural world was thrown into disarray, and civilisation collapsed.
But life endured. We endured. We rebuilt civilisation from the ground up, creating new technologies, ascending to new heights we had never dreamt of before.
I only pray it is enough for what comes next...
Neon Genesis Evangelion crossover.
A 1st person story that will change perspective between various characters from chapter to chapter.
I don't own either MLP or NGE. Someone else does.
Chapters (5)
Evangelion?
This cannot end well for our heroines...
Will be watching this to see what happens.
1296690 i can tell you this right now- this won't end well for anybody.
1296701 It's Evangelion - nothing ever does =/
1296708 I know. Just consider this your early warning that this is not a 'good end' fic.
Edit- and thanks for the fav!
I wrote this chapter whilst listening to the NGE opening song on loop. Some how it had a happy ending, well, as happy as evangelion can get, anyway.
Oh, and we meet CANTERLOCK,
and 
already knowing the story of evangelion dis gonna be guud need a good dark sad pony fic lolol
Just done some light editing- mostly grammar. Theres no need to go back and read anything again, but I thought that I should let you know.
ah there it is static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trollestia.png i actually like pinkie in this story (normally she scares me a bit)
static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png
This chapter was a lot of fun to write. It started of as yet another Twilight chapter, but if you saw the earlier blog post I made, you would know that it consisted of 700 words of Luna walking in a circle whilst Twilight freaked out. So I scraped it, and decided to write it from Cadance's perspective instead. This allowed me to give her a ton of (much needed) character development and explain a bit about her personality. Also, that love spell she casts it going to bite someone on the flank. One Xantos Gambit derailed by the power of love, coming up!
Oh, and in case you missed it, Cadance mentions that Twilight does not know any spells. This is important.
The chapter title is a quote from Shakespear's Twelfth Night, which I found oddly appropriate for a Cadance chapter. So all Cadance chapters are probably going to be called this unless I think of something better.
Chapter 5 will be part 2, in which Cadance creates a plan to stop Ramiel. In chapter 6 we return to Twilight, who will meet a new love interest (so we have Cadence, who loves Twilight as a Shining Armour substitute, and Twilight who loves Luna and the new character, but is also physically attracted to Cadance, despite seeing her as a big sister), and in chapter 7 we get the long awaited Pinkie chapter, who then (finally) becomes a main character.
static1.fjcdn.com/comments/This+almost+made+me+cry..+so+i+went+looking+_fe89a4aa284981a9e61cba3b57066be6.jpg
1522414
whats the facehoof for?
1522461
i was trying not to c, now hush, i'm reading this
I like the unexpected Pinkie, brings things back to MLP. I'll be giving you that review soon on the latest chapter.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group:Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: My Little Evangelion
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): Example. 6
Pros
You've really managed to transport Neon Genesis Evangelion to the My Little Pony World at the same time managing to keep some My Little Pony aspects
This mysterious Princess... I mean Not-Princess Cadance is really egging the tension levels of the story and I like it.
Cons
It seems a little rushed at sections. Such as Twilight agrees all to easily. If I remember enough from the anime episode, Shin took ages just to figure himself out. Then again Celestia wasn't his mother.
More information can be given on Twilight's day to day life.
You may want to elaborate on the weapons Magic and Moon can use because not everybody knows Neon Genesis Evangelion and while you got most of the background down, people will be more interested in learning about how those machines work.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
I need to go so I'll fill this in later!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
1864388
Thanks for the review! I promise to look at yours as soon as possible.
Grammar: you have me a 6/10. Any advice on improving (other than practice?)
Pros—that's excactly what I was going for, so glad to know its working.
Cons—Twilight isn't Shinji. Shinji hates his farther. Twilight is seeking the approval of the Princess. I'll make sure to go over Twilight's motivations in an upcoming chapter. Twilight's day to day life—yeah, I have that planned in an upcoming chapter as well. Throw in more exposition on the Eva's, got it.
Notes—fill this in soon, please!
1865769 Good! I'll be expecting that update. You might also want to take this off mature and put it into Teen because I don't think this is mature (there are some gore, but it's rather light to be honest) you might want to check FAQ rules or Wanderer D's How To guides (just search they'll pop up). As for grammar... its actually pretty good, but I think a proofreader from the Proofreaders and Proofreading group (you know that massive one on the 1st page of browse groups) will be able to help get any of those advanced grammar and pesky commas. Good luck with your fic!
1866559
I am writing the next chapter this very moment (which is important, as the last update on this fic was back in october...). And yeah, the gore does feel very teenish. Orginaly, I was planning to have some sex scenes, but then I realalised that I don't feel comfotable writting clop. So theres going to be some implied sexy times, but not enough to justifiy a mature tag.
As for proofreaders-I have had some bad experiances with proofreaders, both on my side and theirs. But I'll look into it.
1866586 I'd actually recommend you asking Inky Jay the admin for our group to give it a once-over, he's an excellent grammar proof.
I'll need a raincheck on that review. I have ALOT
of work that needs to get done, on top of edits to my story: Lord of the Ponies - The Friendship of Equestria. Expect a review in the first week of the New Year.
1877565
Fair enough, take your time.
Sparkle as the brat Shinji? So much want!
Can´t wait to read how a pony Evangelion are going to look like, or a Angel for that matter. How you are going to cram all that Cristian terminology into the world of ponies, or if you ain´t going with Christianity what else you put in thats place are also a interesting question.
Can´t wait to stick my fingers into this and write some words about it
And here is some fate to your story that you can use as company until I come back with some feedback:
1898507
I'm ditching most of the christian symbology—I'm only keeping the names of the angels, and I am ponyfiying many of them.
I want this story to be more psycological than religious.
1898536
Hmm interesting take on it then, especially because all that symbolism that gets shoved down our throats are half the serie for me. But each person their taste.
And being even more psychological than the original series... Oh boy we are going to see many mind fucks then
1898553
Well, the only reason Gainax put the symbology in is because christianity, at the time (i dont know about now), was "cool and exotic". It doesn't actualy mean anything.
Since I come from a western, christian culture, its not quite as "exotic" to me, so I decided to leave it out.
And yes, there shall be many mind fucks. I actually mind fucked myself with this one.
Hey there Professor Charles, Doomande here with some feedback on behalf of the Authors helping Authors group in here. I know that the norm are reviews on whole stories, or what there is public when they are out, but who do not like chapter to chapter feedback? If you rather would have the normal kind of feedback could I also do that when I am done with your story, but I know from experience that I give the best and most relevant feedback this way, so if it is okay by you would I like to keep doing it like this.
This is a good intro to a crossover, we are shown here very quick how the worlds of the two series, and some of the characters there is taking the place of those we already know. Right now can I see Twilight as Shinji, Celestia in the role of Gendo and Cadance in a possible role as Misato, but I could very well be wrong with this one.
I will not go to deep into the story and writing style yet, but I fond the "jump" in the end rather weird, here am I talking about how we go from the second impact, to how they all rebuild a "better" world, to how all died and then back to what happened in the years after that. I think that you would get a better flow if this chapter followed a linear time line, instead of that jump you made.
Another little thing is that you used hand here "I was left in the hands of a friend of hers", a humanized term, but that is a mistake that all can do, so nothing big there
-Edit-
A thing that first hit me now that I began reading chapter one, I think it would be a good idea to explain where Canterlot-2 is, because right now is it just a unknown big city that we have heard about
1899550
Thanks for the feedback!
Yeah, that's roughly right. I say roughly, no character is a perfect match.
Yeah, that's been bugging me as well, but I can't think of a better way of putting it.
Whoops! I'll fix that.
And to begin this feedback, how can a horse use a horseless carriage? Because since there is a horse in it are it not horseless any more... Okay I am reading that way to literary now.
So lets take it from an end.
In the scene where Twilight goes into the carriage do I not think that you explain that they starts driving, or else did I miss something. I know that it is a minor detail, but here are you selling the idea of this new piece of lore, so it is important to sell it so good as you can to us and describe things with more details now that they are new
Doctor Whooves as Ritsuko?... Never saw that one coming, but looks rather legit to me. That she is a male here is going to be interesting if you are going close to the original, especially with a certain Angel and a scene with its attack, the name of the Angel are not something that I would say to spoil it for the ones that con´t know the story to well, but I think that you know what I mean here
Luna as Rei?... That makes so much sense! There is mystic over both of them and she fits so well into some of the stuff that are coming later on. I don´t think that I could find a better match myself so two thumps up from me! I do just find it a little bit weird that Twilight knows that Cadence have been a prices, but are shocked by seeing that Luna is a alicorn, should she not have seen her at some point? Or heard about Celestias sister?
Some of your really strong forces in this chapter was that you know how to combine the two worlds you have here, there is no doubt for me as a reader that you have thought long about this story and how you are going to get it to work. It is just a little bit sad then that it all fell a little bit rushed. I know that all we learned here are what we normally would see in a episode of the show, but you are writing this and have to give us as readers a little more details. Sure you explained how the Angel looked like, but what was its colours? Was the head a head of a pony or the mask like thing we see in the show? As I have said would I really like some more details, because I am afraid that people that don´t know the world of Evengelion are going to be lost, and that would be bad when you else have a such good grip in your story
Another day, and some more feedback brought to you by Doomande of the Authors Helping Authors group.
There is just something really good with the contrast between the way that Rei is so quiet that we most times need subtitles to understand what she says, and the way Luna yells. And if I think about it is it actually rather genius, they both do it of uncertainty in themselves and how to act, or are so from my perspective, so you are really hitting the head of the nail with this.
Again are the a little thing that show that you know a lot about how to use your words, although they can tease. I am here talking about the our-its?/its-our? segment you had whit the EVA and Twilight. It actually surprised me a little bit to see words used so well. where the other you have written was okay was that just that level over it. So good work there dude
I must say that I don´t like how you use Pinkie so much trough. I can see that you have her act like in her show, but can´t see a pony like her in the Evangelion setting as you have portrayed her. Maybe if they meet at school and she had the role of Kensuke, the over enaric character that instead of mechs are in love with cakes and all that have sugar in them. But that is just what I get out of that first impression, and there is lot of room to prove me wrong. Oh and the explanation with why Pinkie thought she lived on a rock farm, briliant and original, it is not something I have seen anywhere before
Nitpicks:
"Luna walking in" Should be a past tense walked in, could also add a and before Luna
"..the MAGIC..." MAGIC is a name, so I would not say the MAGIC, you could say the EVA or MAGIC instead
"before swinging a hoof at its face. An octagonal wall of light blocked the kick." This is a bit contradicting, you do normally not swing a leg when you kick, but that is a minor detail.
"Now that fight was over" you are missing a the before fight
"a small part of myself asked" The a should be capitalized
"this room small and cosy compared to the large clinical room I had first woken up in" this is missing a was before small
1899834
Ugh that horseless chariage thing is stupid. Going to swap it out for automobile instead.
Whooves also doubles up as Fuyutsuki.
Twilight dosent know about Luna because this is set just after the nightmare moon thing, and for plot reasons that didn't happen as it did in the show. She was also raised by Cadance for five years, so she picked up a few things here and there, but everyone was ignorant of Luna until she just showed up one day.
Yeah, details are a big issue for me. It didn't help that I was writing based on memeory of the first few episodes of Evangelion, so I what of the stuff I wrote was more detailed in my head—I sometimes forget that only I can see whats in my head.
I'll consider going back and fixing a few thingss.
1903047
The Rei/Luna thing? All I did was flanderize their two most promenent features—Rei's lack of emotions and Luna's loud voice and second person proununs (although I did modernize them as I couldn't find a quick and easy guide to Elizebethen English). I'm as surprised as you are that it worked out so well.
The we-me thing? I am so glad someone picked up on that. I'm rather proud of it, espeically since I didn't plan it or its implications until after I wrote it in.
Pinkies bubblyness is just a shield she uses to protect herself. Don't worry, I'm going to break it soon. As for the rock farm thing—most explanations I have seen are to do with either Pinkie being Pinkie, or magic. Can't we just have a mundane explanation for once?
Nitpicks—thanks for spotting those, I clean them up.
I know that this review are going to seem a little bit more harsh than the others, but it is not because this is worse, but because I now can see your writing style better and where you can improve, remember that. Because I think this is a good story, that is one of the reasons I write so long reviews of it... That and the giant purple penis formed tentacle monster... I have seen to much anime
The first segment was really good at grasping the attention, but I do really think that it would have the impact that you wanted if it was longer. I did only have time to think "Oh shit" before I saw that it was just a simulation. Whit a scene like that is it okay to exaggerate a bit. You want the reader out on the edge of the chair, thinking "Oh shit they are all going to die, have to read more!", and show them some of the consequences it would have to lose to an Angel, and right now does it only look like a quick death, not something that are just as fearfully as the broken arm in last chapter.
"Now when you are in the Eva, the LCL allows the flow of thoughts, actions and emotions between the two of you" If I was a professor that wanted to get a teen girl into a big fighting robot to save the last of my race would I not state it like this. I know that the EVAs are more or less alive in one sense, but I would not say it out right like this. First of all as stated before would it be weird to hear, second would you want to state it so clearly to the reader? The series tries to hide this rather much until a point, so chapter 3 is maybe a little to soon to state it like this. Although the explanation is correct and a fine way of saying one of the many weird pieces of Neon Genesis lore. This is actually a thing that are returning trough the chapter, saying a little to much here, where it would be best to hint stuff, right now is there not so much mystic or questions in there air, where the original series was good at throwing bunk loads of hints and questions after us. And although, a lot of the people that are going to read this have seen the show do we still love to be reminded of the times where we didn´t knew stuff, or I do when I read stories with so heavy lore as this.
"Why am I so attracted to her? I have never shown indications of, well, liking mares before. But then again, the only thing I have ever shown true enthusiasm was for books. Maybe I have always been like this?" I know that neon genesis are so happy for doing this, making characters tell what they fell and how they are surprised to fell like they do, that that is most often because it anime, and not something that are written down. When we read a story do we more often hear a characters thoughts, especially in a first pony story like this. So there is no need to state it so obvious, because at best are it going to make the character look boring and flat (okay that is spot on then with what you are building on my bad
) or in most cases bad writing. To show a point LINK. This is and how you tell about thing instead of showing them do I think are 2 biggest weaknesses, and something that I can see that you can write, but are missing some times.
I found it a little bit hard to buy the scene where Twilight talks with Ms Cake about her sexuality. Both Twilight and Shinji are nerve racks (Twilight is without/before her friends) and would not be able to talk about sex with a stranger. I think that the scene could work if she stopped a lot of times, took her good time and maybe even stutter a little bit. We saw some uncertainty in her panic attack when she laid on Luna, now that she had time to think and see the thing from most angels would I multiply that uncertainty with 10. We have a unsocial teen pony that have had her first real sexual experience, and it is first now that it hit her what happen, maybe take that into account. Because that scene was a little bit underplayed for such a major theme that will return
Nitpicks:
)
"Two for two, we thought": I know that you want to show that they are fused together, but I would use singular here, MAGIC are not a thinking thing after all. (Or that is open for debate
"replied a grey Earth Pony with a pink treble clef for a cutie mark and a matching bow-tie" First of all, bow-ties are cool, and there is no need to capitalize Earth Pony, it are not a name, but a race.
"I would have probably lost my mind by now" I would switch around the probably and have, but could also just be me
"Is it...Love?" You forgot a space here
"Yet I can not fathom why you would know of these beings before hand" Yet another hand have sneaked into your story.
1920541
You should have seen the universtiy anime group last year.
We had seen all the good stuff the year before (and we werent aloud to watch it again, oh no), so we were left with the Anime jerks not-quite-pornographic stuff. Heck, the only reason we didn't have overt porno was because schoolkids used the same building as we did.
Pacing is something I am working on, but yeah, over too soon.
Doctor Whooves is a little amoral, and to him this is really basic and simple information. Like gravity pulling everything down. Also, since the only people who would read this are eva fans, I don't feel that I am spoiling much.
Show vs tell is a skill I have had difficutly picking up.
That scene only exists as a slow down point between Luna and the battle. But yeah, It could be better written. It does feel wierd, but I always imagined that Mrs Cake is one of those people you can't hide anything from. Bad pacing finished it off.
Nitpicks:
1. I'm gonna leave that in the air for now.
2. I've been capitlising Pegasus, Unicorn and Alicorn throughout (Or at least, I should have been(I read a writing guide that said one was as good as the other as long as I didn't swap them around.). I was maintaing consitency.
3. that sounds better.
4. techincly, writing it without a space is just as valid, but I have recently adopted using the space. So my argument is invalid.
5. LYRA!
Thanks for the contiuation of the review!
1920598
The thing is that there could be a few that sees this story, or only have heard about Evangelion but not read/seen it. Beside that do you limit yourself in a way. You do not let the reader think over the things, you serve them on a silver plate, and that is almost never fun. A little doubt is a good thing in a story, it is after all not going to be Evangelion with horse puns, but a crossover. So each time you give away things like that are you opening a door, instead of just letting it slide a little bit so the reader is curios. I know that you have read PH (Hate the story, and are actually going to try to talk about the story in good light, so bear with me) so let take an example from there. Most people that are going to read PH have read the original, so they know the lore about what happened with the mane 6, but PH does only hint at it, showing a little bit at a time. That is a good way to create interest, promise the reader something, and then only show half of it, or explain it in a different way. Almost no matter what you do do you want a reader that are excited for what there is coming next, and the lore about the EVAs is a good hook. And right now have you told almost anything special about them, or a lot of the things we was uncertain about in the show.
I think I want to get to the core that hinting stuff are never bad. If you do it to a person that already know the lore by heart are you going to make him/her fell special, I love when I know the lore in Fo:E before the characters does. Then is there the persons that know the lore, but have forgotten some of it, you have a second change here to get a hook into them. And the new ones, although they will be rare, would not get the awesome experience we had when we learned the stuff.
Beside that could you do something else than the show did, small things but still. And when you show it all like this are that hard to do
1920710
Yeah, I see your point. Feed my audience tidbits, enough to keep them coming back, but not enough to spoil it. Glad you mentioned it, because in a coulple of chapters time I was planning on dropping a really big secret. Now I know to handle it with more tact and to drag it out.
Let the last review commence!... Or the last review for now at least.
When Cadance ask Celestia if she cares for Twilight would I not let her answer like that. First of all is Cadance a lover rank than Celestia, and they are both working in something that looks like the military, where rank means all. Secondly do I not think that it is fitting for her character to answer that out loud. If I wrote that scene would I let her go silent, without any emotions showing. Make her that stone face that we all know and hate from the show, hiding behind his hands, hiding his eyes behind those reflective glasses. And thirdly would it have a bigger impact to not even want to say that you don´t care, than to say it out loud. To be silent says that the question is important, and in this case, that she couldn´t care less about Twilight.
Oh Ramiel, my favorite angel. One of the few that I think would have a real change to actually win, because we time and time sees in the show how powerful you are, and yet do you want to play with your drill and are giving the heroes a change. I can´t wait to see more of your awesome action
There is actually only two more things I want to point out. When you change perspective like you did here would I also say that you should try to change your teller style. The story are one told to us by the character, or it should fell like that, and if you don´t change what there is in focus does it just look like a gimmick. I know that there was some heavy focus on Twilight, but I would not say that that was enough change. And this chapter seemed really short. Normally when I read one of your chapters does it fell like I am "full" and need some time to digested things, here was I surprised that you already have used 2K words, because what you used them on made it fell like my normal 1/1,5K read.
Nitpicks:
"Pinkie's just a good friend of mine" I do not think that you can you a contraption like that, or it is looking weird in my head
"...eva..." There is some places where you forget to capitalize the name. Beside that are EVA not a all capitalized name? Just like NERV and your MAGIC?
1920929
Celestia does rebuke Cadance for that. As for the staying silent thing, I wanted it out in the open how much Celestia cares about Twilight. However, I could perhaps have been more subtle with it.
I'll make sure to dedicate more time to him, then.
But yeah, he's so huge and imposing and powerful, and comes ridiculously close to getting into the NERV headquaters (not as close as a couple of others, mind you). This guy is totaly boss.
This was my first time jumping to another characters perspective. I tried to change it, but obvioulsly didn't pay off.
This chapter was really awkward to write, and I am not to fond of it to be honest. The next chapter (part two) makes up for it in my opinion. But yeah, not a lot happens in this chapter. Its more setting up Cadance as a character, which in most stories would be done in the first chapter, but it happened here since this is her first chapter as the perspective character.
Nitpicks:
1. I knew that looked dodgey, but I couldn't work it out.
2. I always assumed Eva was a short version of Evangelion, not a fully capitlised word in its own right.
So the ride are over for now, and it is time for a overall review:
I Doomande of Authors Helping Authors bring to you this review
Grammar score out of 10: 5. There is a lot of things to work on, but readable.
Pros:
1. You brought the world of Neon Genesis Evangelion beautiful into the world of the ponies, making good choices in which pony plays which part of the show
2. Although the material you work with is rather heavy, and known as hard to understand, have you found a way to put in jokes and make it a enjoyable read
Cons:
1. The low amount of details
2. Making the characters seem a little bit flat from time to time by stating what they fell and think instead of showing it with their actions.
Notes Section:
I think that I have explained the pros enough, so am going to talk about the cons.
You should never be afraid of describing a setting or a thing to much, there is almost never a situation where you can show to little with what you write, remember that you should paint a pictures with words, and not just sketch it for us. A useful advise I can give is to think on the reader as someone that are totally new to the story and lore. Your reader does not know how Canterlot 2 looks like, what an EVA is, or even what color Celestia are before you tell them it.
The other con is harder to find a advise to. But try to overplay them. Try to write a whole chapter where they only acts without going into their heads, think on different ways you can show stuff. I exercise could be to write a pony that likes another one, and then find out how you can show that indirectly. Then think on the whole opposite situation. Thy to think on ways you can use the ponies ears, because most of their bodylanguage are in those.
I hope that you have enjoyed your review! And right now do we come to the icky part, I have no story of my own, but would like if you looked at Fallout Equestria: Rolling Bones for me. I know that it is way longer than this story, so I see the "dept" payed if you at least read until chapter 2, although I hope that you are hooked and want to go on after that
1920979
Thanks for your awsomely indepth review! You have given me lots to think on, and I am grateful for it.
Rolling Bones added to my read later list.
On Hiatus? But... I followed this story and looked forward to see more criss cross between MLP and Evangelion, and did come here asking for when I should look forward to the next update
. Is there any special reason to that it is on hiatus? Or is there just to many stories in the head at the same time?
2091242
I mentioned it in a blog post, but essentially, it's crunch time with my dissertation. So I have put all but two of my stories on hiatus until I get my diss done.
Don't worry, it will only last until May, and then everything will come back with a vengeance.
2092830
Angels with an vengeance? Sounds like an good enough thing to wait on
2092983
I'd say that gives me an excellent idea, if that wasn't already the angels motivation anyway.
Shit will hit the fan.
~Filthy Casual