Editor Wanted
Yet another sunny day blessed Ponyville, with Twilight Sparkle in the middle of another study session. She was in the middle of comprehending the consequences of repeated teleportation when Fluttershy knocked on her door. Answering the door, what Twilight saw shocked her; Fluttershy was flustered, panicked, saying something about the Everfree Forest. Twilight decides to investigate after preparing herself, but could possibly be out there that would bring Fluttershy to such a state?
Chapters (14)
dude!! this is AWESOME!! keep up the great werk!!
...Okay. This... This is something.
Here is a list of things you should probably do before this fic will be anywhere near decent:
Go read this: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html
And this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue
And this as well: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/64859
You have numerous grammar issues (I can count at least four in the very first paragraph), your premise is cliche, and your OC design is horrendous. Sorry, but unless you can pull a complete and utter literary overhaul out of your ass, I just don't see this doing very well. I hope the links I've provided will help you anyway.
I can smell the Stuishness of this here Gary from a mile away.
Oh, and the title of the chapter is 'Something Hateful This Way Comes'. May I just say...
demotivation.us/media/demotivators/demotivation.us_OH-THE-IRONY-_134586374683.jpg
1286877 While I completely agree with you, the character isn't actually an alicorn, just a pegasus. Just pointing that out.
1286979 I like to think every story deserves one read no matter what, just to give it a chance. But seriously, Shadow Bolt, learn to put the chances on your side.
Yes yes, we all know how "cool" Black and Red color schemes are(Fuckberries it hurt to write that sentence) but believe me, everyone else hates them. No matter how appropriate they seem. They. Are. Terrible. First step to becoming a writer that isn't hated by a third of the civilized world, remove black and red combos from your palette. Black and red are never to be combined. NEVER. While him being the physical embodiment of hate might make you think it is a good idea, get that part of your brain lobotomized. If no other color scheme works for the embodiment of hate, then maybe come up with some other character traits to base it off of, or just say buck it and make him some random color. Twilight isn't just magic, she's also a psychologically deranged nerd. A psychologically deranged lavender nerd.
Second, tone down the power of this guy, I could go into how to make a powerful OC work, and where they are acceptable and why, but no. Just throw some kryptonite at this asswipe. Or at least make him be seeking a MacGuffin to give him the current level of power, and still be powerful, just not "none can defeat me" powerful.
Choo Choo.
-Onyx
1286747 ...you again.
Okay. Fine. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt just this one last time. Explain to me, in extensive detail, what makes this story good. If you cannot, then you are either a troll or have read too few stories to know what shit is supposed to work in them. And I lean heavily towards the former, after that blog post.
*Steel facedesks, sighing.*
What bugs me is that this is actually typed out properly...well, sort of properly...listen, I'm gonna play sympathy and say you've got something that could possibly work, and I'm doing the same thing. Difference here is I've written an entirely different country to play the part, and described the origins of the Elements so it'd make sense.
First point! Elements of HARMONY. Nightmare Moon hated everyone. Discord wanted to ruin everyone's day. Chrysalis wanted to conquer the kingdom and make everyone food. Each of these characters embodies some negative emotion.
Are they tied to Harmony? Hell no! They are, to give it a word, DISHARMONY. Where does Hate fit in with the Elements?! But enough of the complaints about the story, how about we rip open this description?
Mysteeeerious. It seems like the Everfree Forest is the source of everybody's problems in Ponyville, from Zecora to fucking Hydras.
Alright uh...stop right there. There are things you mention in a synopsis; this isn't one of them. There's supposed to be some form of...MYSTERY involved, but it's still meant to grab your reader's attention.
...So, the Elements of Harmony can bring down a living natural disaster and the Spirit of Chaos, but not one who is supposed to be on the same level as them...this, I find this confusing. The Elements are built around the concept of friendship, implying teamwork, yet there's an Element who's all-powerful just standing on his own. It doesn't make sense.
I'm at least going to fix this up, because I'm nice.
...Wow, that's the first description I've ever cut DOWN on. Tense is iffy, but this grabs attention without revealing too much of the plot. Took out the end bit, because really, it's obvious.
May dive into the story, but I feel my cohorts already have.
Review time! Yay!
1) 1286885 hit most of the grammar problems. Fix the tense shifts and punctuation errors. I'll add that if a character is getting cut off, the quote should end with an em-dash, not an ellipsis. An ellipsis indicates that the character trails off gradually, and the second time, Fluttershy is actually cut off mid-sentence. Therefore, the quote should end with an em-dash.
If you don't know what an em-dash is, it's a really long hyphen.
2) You say Twilight first saw Fluttershy cowering under a table. But didn't Fluttershy open the door to let her in? Was she hiding under a table when she opened the door? And if so, why didn't you mention that?
3) Your style is just... awkward. I can't quite decide why, but I think it either has to do with repetition or show vs. tell. For example:
Why is that thought there? We all know what it means when Fluttershy shrieks and refuses to answer the door. You don't need Twilight's internal narrative to tell us. You already showed us.
4) Sorry, Fluttershy's not a very strong flyer, even after all her hard work in "Hurricane Fluttershy." This is especially true when she's nervous or frightened, which she is here. Even with the help of Rainbow Dash, probably the strongest flyer in Equestria, she could barely keep Twilight airborne in the first episode. Sure, she caught up to Dash in the Season 2 premiere, but Dash was indifferent and Fluttershy was angry.
5) Oh, your OC. Over-designed, stronger than the Elements of Harmony... I honestly have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. The only sliver of hope I have for this Shadow Bolt guy is that we haven't seen much of him yet in the actual story, so there's a slight chance you might possibly not make him quite as Gary Stu-ish as he appears in the description. Maybe? I'm trying to be reeealy hopeful here.
Anywho, this review train has places to be and things to do. Best of luck!
1286789
static3.fjcdn.com/comments/Not+one+_c73b5a1efcbd5f9adf4a25010d76be87.jpg
1287706 That doesn't mean don't try, and that doesn't make it any better. When creating stories like this, keep in mind what belongs and does not belong in FiM. Such as... alcoholicorns--er, alicorns, multi-colored characters, manifestations of hatred associated somehow with those of an antonymous nature--Harmony--and... I think you get it. Or at least, I hope you do.
While it is indeed your story, and we cannot tell you how to run it, there are many of experience that have already happened upon this story to offer their advice. Their prejudices are completely justified; stories like these are, around, uh... I'll estimate... 96% of them, absolutely terrible. And since you seem to be telling a similar tale, this gets heaped with the rest of them, and it boils down to being your fault for choosing this topic without knowledge of how to pull it off without botching it like most authors do.
Just try. It makes a difference. If you're going to share these stories with us, convince us this isn't some terrible drabble. Though, it'd take a lot because, no offense, it is. Close to nobody will read this and like it. I'm going to be honest with you. And I tell this from experience--I've written something remotely similar to this in the past, and its reception wasn't stellar. So, again, at least try to be original. Don't try to copy success where success has not been known.
1287706 Great question!
"Gary Stu" (or "Mary Sue") isn't a specific person, but rather a type of character that's too good to be true and just comes off as boring. Oftentimes, it's the result of a writer confusing interesting character development with cool gimmicks. There are a lot of common signs of a Stu/Sue, and I'll try to list some here. Keep in mind that this isn't a list of 'bad' things, but rather warning signs that your character might be in trouble. Keep in mind that these things need to be taken in the perspective of a story universe. A human named Jane, for example, won't draw any curiosity, but a transformer named Jane is kind of weird.
1) Lack of weakness, either in ability or character. If a character is all-powerful (or nearly all-powerful), it's really hard to feel any sense of danger when things get tough. This is why alicorn OC's are so often frowned upon (I know yours is a pegasus, I'm just using an alicorn as an example). They can fly and use magic, so it's hard to come up with a situation in which they are genuinely in danger. This is also why so many here have complained about Shadow Bolt's apparent superiority to the Element of Harmony (based on the story description).
However, the real clincher here is a lack of character weakness. Of all the things on this list, this one is the most important. Since we've barely had a glimpse of Shadow Bolt, I can't really say anything about his character (this is also why I said I still have a bit of hope for him). The audience can't relate to a character with a flawless personality because there is simply no real-life equivalent. Real people have weaknesses they struggle with or overcome. Rainbow Dash's arrogance in "The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well" and Fluttershy's fear in... well, pretty much every episode are good examples of characters with weaknesses we can relate to. It's what makes them interesting to watch. They have room to grow as well as the potential for conflict with other characters (think of Rarity and AJ in "Look Before You Sleep").
On the other hoof, characters with no redeeming qualities just get buried in hate. A good character will have a balance of both good and bad traits, just like real people do.
2) Unique powers. Okay, this is kind of related to the lack of weakness, but it's a little different. If your character can do something no other pony can (such as turn into a jet fighter, for example), there should be a reason why. Oftentimes, these abilities (like turning into a jet fighter) make the character over-powered as well, which is the real warning here. An interesting and unique, but not super-powerful, ability can be fun to read about, so long as it's kept in perspective.
3) Unique appearance. I'm afraid Shadow Bolt hits this one pretty hard, judging from the picture. This can be anything from multi-colored manes and weird coloring to demon horns, bat wings, and lizard tails. If you don't see it in an average crowd of ponies, it could mean trouble. This is another reason alicorn OC's are dangerous - there are only three of them in Equestria. This isn't a problem if done in moderation and for a purpose, but when your character has a lot of things no other pony has, especially if it's just for the sake of looking cool, the warning bells should start ringing. Shadow's weird wings (are they mechanical?) are what really throw me off on this one.
While I'm here, I'll throw in a little subsection about unusual names. Again, we're talking unusual for the story universe. No one bats an eye at a hobbit named Bilbo, but if he's a pony, that's going to draw some stares.
4) Celebrity status. In this universe, this generally boils down to an OC being instant best friends with or related to characters from the show, particularly the mane six. Even worse if they end up in relationships with them. This can be and has been done right, but there's the key - it has to be done right.
5) Better than the best. If your character is smarter than Twilight or faster than Dash, you may have a Stu on your hands. This might be interesting if it drives the plot of the story, but if it looks like the character is just showing off, a la Trixie, he's not going to get a warm reception. This is another reason so many object to Shadow Bolt's apparent superiority over the Elements.
So, yeah. Hope this helps answer your question.
1288187 'This idea I had before i came to this site' Well, I suppose we can't blame ya, but just jumping in and starting to do something within a site such as this without taking a look around is never a good idea.
'I see the same story again and again and they don't get so much negative comments as this one had.' Poor writers have a tendency to delete comments that contain negative feedback (which is key to improving as a writer). Check their like/dislike ratios. You'll figure out the score concerning stories such as this. Look at the top of this very page: 3/41. Your story has been liked three times, and disliked almost thirteen times that. This commonly happens to stories without strong outer, inner--or a combination of both--appearance and/or quality. The triggers in this case happen to be, probably, the title, the picture, and the description. Red and black OCs, in particular, are extremely common in stories of this type. Why? They seem to represent something cool, like 'darkness', or, 'hate', in this case. Now, does that belong in the FiM universe? No? There's your reason this is disliked. The fanfic lives or dies based on its outer appearance, but thrives based on its inner appearance. But if you have the latter but not the former, you'll fail. The reverse is less true, but, still.
I am not trying to be mean to you, this is just what I think. Good luck, I mean it. Hope you try something else in the future and it turns out for you. As for this... I don't think it's quite salvageable from this pit of dislikes, I'm afraid.
Oh yeah, and to explain the train up there, we're a group called the Train Wreck Explorers. A sort of loosely-organized, forceful review group that tries to rid this site of poor authors and their stories, by either helping them become better, or, if the writer doesn't listen, fighting with them until they do. And if they don't, it gets kind of messy, I'd admit. I hope you aren't to be the next addition to our 'blacklisted authors' thread. Despite how mean we seem to be, our intent is, at its base, friendly, and if you treat it as such, you'll find our disposition to improve towards you.
Why hasn't "Grace of a Swan" gotten any trains?
1288401
I appreciate your concern, I feel that mine shouldn't be dislike just because of the appearance, description, and picture. "They seem to represent something cool, like 'darkness', or, 'hate', in this case. Now, does that belong in the FiM universe?" then explain why Cupcakes is popular if that shit doesn't belong in the FIM universe? I'm gonna continue this story and will make changes.
1288561 Cupcakes was popular because it was a new thing, and not because it was a good story, but because it had shock value, and novelty even to those who don't like the show. Slightly similar a case is the literary abomination that is Living the Dream. *Shudder* That's just a bunch of self-inserts banging canon characters and having Sue powers, with characters acting so wrong that you might as well call them OCs. It was new at the time, somehow, and has good ratings because of it. If either of them were to be released now, it'd be very much different.
And I know how unfair it is that your story is judged based on its appearance, but its appearance is utterly repulsive to me as a reader, personally. I do not lie. And considering the other comments here, this view is shared. I'm just trying to be honest with you. If it looks bad, people will assume it is. Look at two apples at the grocery store. They are the same size, but one of them appears to have some superficial cuts and minor bruises on it. Regardless, the apple might be delicious, or have a worm in it, but you're going to buy the clean apple, not the bruised one. A simple analogy, yes?
As for continuing this story? If it makes you happy, go for it. Never write only for positive feedback. If it pleases you, do it. Nobody will stop you.
Red and black OC for a cover.....
This can only end well
Review after the break:
1) you like to say names.... Like alot, show don't tell
2) awkward dialogue? Awkward dialogue.
3) element. Of. Hate......
I'm need to go to bed so I will keep it short...
This project is doomed to fail I would scrap it and save it for when you know how to write.
not the worst fix I've read though
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/388/756/986.png
Every time you delete a negative comment your dick gets shorter.
Deleting comments are we? You're putting yourself on a level equivalent to FelixDawn.
you know, it wasn't that bad. Several grammatical and punctuation errors with many of them similar to this "Once the door was open Twilight walk into the cottage and the door closed behind her," needs to be walked and a comma after open, and some rough edges that could be smoothed out, but nothing overly bad. Although not really that interesting of a story, and you occasionally add information that could be expressed differently. Like “Just like how Rainbow Dash's home is made out of white clouds this house is made out of storm clouds.” , not really something that needed to be said out loud since she was alone and the way she phrases it makes it sound like she is teaching it to a small child. Could use some touch ups and maybe a better color scheme to not cause insta thumbs downs, but well above the tolerable range on my shit-a-meter.
1301582
I thank you for your comment, I know from the grammar Nazis about this problem and I'm trying my best to fix these errors especially the next chapter. The way i see it if Microsoft office doesn't show me a error then I assume there is nothing wrong.
Uh-oh. I have seen the comments, and...
BRACE YOURSELVES
A FLAMEWAR IS COMING.
1315149
It already happened. The "Author" just got so butthurt he deleted the comments.
I have done my best to make sure there aren't any grammar or punctuation errors. As I mentioned in the comments if word doesn't show any errors then I assume that there's nothing wrong. So if there are any errors in this chapter then blame word not me.
Alright, I'm an optimist, let's see what you've got.Time to start reading.
Twilight stayed silent, still in shock over what has happened in just the past few seconds.
The pegasus still waiting for her reply stood there his patience wearing thin.
When he finally got tired of waiting he said, “Well? First you insult me, then you order me to come down here and now here I am waiting for you to tell me who you are and what you want and you’re just standing there refusing to answer my question?”
Just...please get a proofreader.
1304371....It's not the best story, but it was much better than some i've seen... Shudders...(don't ask what ive seen). It has plot. it has exposition, it actually has proper capitalization and somewhat good formatting. So don't get your hopes down Shadow. I'd be willing to give you odd tips if you would like them. You're being very brave by continuing on so I congrat you for that.
1329457
I thank you for your comment and I would gladly accept any tips you can offer.
Funny, earlier today I was thinking up a hateful pony who is approached by the mane 6 & is almost immediately hostile to them.
About the story: I'm usually generous about how I think about stories, but this is'nt good, sorry.
Great idea. Horrible execution.
Didn't I review this before? Did my comment get deleted?
Dude, if you want I'll even proofread the story for you, I can help you with vocabulary as well as grammar.
1287062
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/038/c/3/foe_ph____blackjack_by_arconius-d4p0i9m.png
You were saying?
Write the 5th chapter!
Hurry!
Seriously, there are a billion groups dedicated to proofreading, go find one.
Have to admire your perseverance though.
1294881 Everytime you add a negative comment, the more faggy you become.
1286747 Fianlly, some-pony who has some common sense!
1922444
I know we've buried the proverbial hatchet, but that, in and of itself was a negative comment.
Y U NO UPDATE!?!?
2577493
Happy to see that someone cant wait to read the next chapter.
I am doing some last minute tweaking with the next chapter. It should be ready in a week or two.
1516800
Gravedigging old comments here, but...
>Blackjack
0-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/vp/image/1364/97/1364973640916.png
I can accept it but in my opinion it still doesn't look good.
I have a lot of other things to say here, but I guess i'll withhold them for once, seeing the kind of reactions I get when it comes to striking up
minorblown out of proportion/ fucking huge arguments over FO: E.Hey Shadow, I Added Your Story to My Group Called "Under-Rated"
Love the Story By the Way.
Oh. FREAKIN AWESOME.
But why did dash lie? She's well known for being unusually honest.
3225922
Sorry, I think you mean Applejack(lol). And it already says why.
I would have self destruct on their bitch ass
Level that mothafucka
3226440
If that happened, then the story would already be over.
I like it :)
3226730
Thank you very much ;) tell your friends so they can read this too.
3226947 I Shall! :D
3226480 I'm just glad that the story is still going. He needs to make a shit list of everyone that Ended him and go back and...reeducate them
3227368
That would take too long and he doesn't know everypony's name or faces.
3227811
Don't worry, he's not done with her yet ;)