Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
10
1
0
Joined September 2012
28
607
<
28
607
0
51587
161289
28
607
607 ( 607 )
More
Less
Comments ( 28 )
Post Comment
Refresh
This is not a well-written story at all. You don't know how to format. In addition, the dialogue is cheesy and the emotions are not expressed well. Your descriptions of the events are, at best, vague and incomplete. Everyone, especially Zecora, is significantly out of character. The zebra isn't even rhyming! That's her most obvious character trait and the one everyone always gets right, even trollfic writers!
This is going to sound mean-spirited, but the only thing I can suggest is to go to school and take pay close attention in English class. Read ahead in the textbook if you have to. When you're done with that, watch the show and get acquainted with the characters' personalities.
Ok, I have some knit pick stuff. 
1. Did you proof read this,there were quite a few mistakes that fixed themselves later.
2. None of the characters in this story acted like they would, Lyra being calm, Twilight being aggresive.
3. The way you set up the thought and sentances were backward. Useually the thoughts are in italics and dialog in quotation marks.
4. I would have extended this. The whole thing seemed to go by too fast. Going from start to finish to fast.
5. Like the story concept though.
P.S. Sentance wording needs some work. Starts good but by the end of a sentance it all just falls apart.
It's ok i don't mind i know it's not so good since this is my 2nd thing i ever wrote, so i don't mind if i get mean comments i was counting on them and i learned english, but never really use it(especially) for writing, so i forget a lot and yes i know Zecora should talk in rhymes but i couldn't come up with anything, but i had to use someone.
No, i wanted to ask one of my friend and he said kinda the same things as you do, but he didn't have time, so i did the best what i could with it and uploaded it. sorry if you think it was a waste of time to read it it's for anyone who didn't like it not for you.
>>1293069 Trust me, I didnt mean it in a mean way. From what I can tell it seems that english is a second language for you and the fact that you tried was good. I only said those things to make sure you were aware and that you could rewrite it when you have more time on your hands. I love the story and hope that you can rewrite it in a more legible way. Maybe even putting in some filler text so that it lasts for more then one chapter. Maybe Twilight tells her friends and they go do something to help Night get used to life there and then you could kill her.
Once again I love the story!
I didn't mean it neither in a mean way, so i'm sorry if you felt it that way.. when i finished the story i was like ok she died and i don't want to do anything with this, but i didn't want to kill her in the end but it felt like the right thing to do to finish it so i wrote a "sequel" or "second chepter" call it however you want, if some one want to edit it and proof read it i'd be glad to send it to him/her because i probably made the same mistakes there like in this
Be glad for not hearing the sound of a train... 
Those guys are mercilesss. 
Nice concept, and I understand the problems that people like us, with english as second language have writing. But what can we do? I dunno if other countries besides U.S. have a strong MlP:FiM community, so we have to spend our creative juices trying our luck here. 
The comments already said almost everything, take the advice and try to improve around them!
Don't speak too soon, my dear friend! The CHOO CHOO has arrived! (Oh boy, I'm getting the ball rolling! How exciting!)
First of all, your dialogue is difficult to read. There's this thing called quotation marks...you use them around speaking parts, not dashes. Also, you should always specify who is speaking, like this:
"Don't worry Twilight, I'm fine. But you look like you should eat something. And a hot shower wouldn't hurt either," Princess Luna uttered.
(And that's including grammar corrections. You can thank me later.) But since we're on the topic of dialogue, yours was very robotic and uninteresting. Like one person said before me, it didn't really have much emotion behind it. And here's a hint; people don't enjoy bland conversations in real life. So don't do it in writing either!
And lastly, your characters are terribly OOC (out of character). I highly doubt Twilight would try to murder someone, even if it's a Changling. And I also doubt that Luna would want to kill Twilight for wanting to kill the Changeling. See where I'm going with this? Murder in MLP...nope. And that's only the half of it. One word: Zecora.
There's some extreme grammar issues going on here, way too many for me to point out. So my last piece of advice: find someone who is fluent in English to help proofread your story. Otherwise, be prepared for people like me to come and harshly nit-pick your fanfic
As always, CHOO CHOO! ~Schlippy
Review train here. Let's get started! 
1) It took me forever to figure out what the "-" before certain lines meant. Actually, I'm still not a hundred percent sure. If they're dialogue, put them in "quotes." If they're thoughts, put them in italics. These are standard formatting in English fiction, so anything else needs a really good explanation. (You can get italics by highlighting the text to want to be italicized and clicking button with a slanty I on it at the top of the screen.)
2) I only read as far as the changeling's awakening (I think), and everyone's so out of character, it's ridiculous. Twilight would have reported to Celestia immediately, not after teleporting the changeling to her house and trying to talk to it. I can maybe see her trying to finish the changeling off, but you'd need to give her a proper motivation. And is this all an elaborate sting operation so Luna and Celestia can catch Twilight doing something 'bad'? What's the point? What are they trying to prove? I won't tell you Lyra is out of character because as far as I can tell, she doesn't have one in the show, but the others' actions don't make sense.
3) I think most everything in number 2 could be fixed by just slowing down and explaining things. Build their characters and give them motivations. Is Twilight worried the town will freak out if she leaves the changeling there? Does she think the changeling poses a legitimate threat? Do the princesses think Twilight is dangerously disrespectful of life? Taking the time to build and explain character motivations will give you much more flexibility and freedom with the characters.
4) A proofreader would help. Definitely not the worst grammar I've seen on this site, but it could use some work.
Well, I hope that helps. Good luck! 
>>1293017 Yeah, her rhyming can make it tricky for even people who do use English to use. Not knowing English doesn't give much of a excuse to be out of character. Still, jusdging by your difficulty, I don't think I can help someone at your level of knowledge.
This may seem like a strange thing for me to say due to my previous comment, but the English in your story is actually much better than the English in your comments. That's interesting, at least to me.
Image: http://static.tumblr.com/mfxyxgh/wZ5m5ze9a/tldr.jpg
Anonymous comments currently disabled. Please register to make comments
Cancel
Send