wasnt too bad. I got confused at a few parts while reading it. should have changed what happened to Twilight and made the story continue

>>12832841283284

Could you explain more of what you found confusing? I wrote it the way I did for a reason, but if there is an improvement I can do, I have my ears open!

why was pinkie freaking out again when they werent even there? im a little tired so i probably missed some stuff.

>>12833391283339

lol, I'm exhausted as hell as well. (been up well over 36 hours now)

By her freaking out, do you mean at the end?

when Twilight was fighting Inuyasha, how did Pinkie know Twilight was dead?

Pinkie sense... and she has combos for all occasions... this one she had was for someone was gonna die... and when it stopped, that is when she knew twilight finally died.

Hmm, little bit rushed, to be honest. It would have benefited greatly from much slower pace. I don't have much knowledge of InuYasha, so I got confused at the parts. Seems like you would need to know about both to understand what was going on. However, elements from InuYasha don't seem to matter much. They come, cause havoc, kill characters and disappear. It could have been any random universe, even unnamed one.

It might have worked better as a longer story, however, at the current one-shot form it feels rushed and such. The twist at the end comes out of nowhere and... well... doesn't feel like it would add anything to the story.

There is potential here... Perhaps consider this a prototype and start building a longer fic from it?

>>12867511286751

Now, this is what I am in need of from comments. Something constructive.

Could you give some examples as to how it feels rushed?

Mind you, I was pretty exhausted when I wrote this. (then I was up another 12 hours waiting on approval and actual posting cause where it was my first one posted here, it had that much meaning to me.)

As to expanding on this into a much larger story, you have given me an idea I hadn't thought of. I think I shall have to start thinking how I should do so.

>>12868251286825

Well, after the build up for the transport, the whole... "get hit by crystal->turn into alicorn->get killed" happened pretty much so fast I barely had time to register it. Then there was the death of Spike... Comes out of nowhere(which might have been the idea) and I even missed it on my first read time. Had to go back and reread the part.

However, my main grievance is in whole crystal deal. I admit, i have no idea what's the deal with it, but it comes out of nowhere, fucks everything up and then disappears. Diabolus Ex Machima, if you will. It's like there was an idea there, but you run out of time and just had it serve it's function to cause Twilight go nuts and get killed, then remove it from the story. There could have been so much that could be done with whole "Twilight secretly Celestias daughter" idea. Twilight as a new Nightmare Moon in InuYasha universe, with Mane 6 (well, 5) joining to get her back to senses, for example.

Then there is Twilight's and Spike's deaths. I don't have problem with deaths themselves, I admit I am guilty as charge of killing well established characters in pointless ways (Shining Armor, Twilights parents, Zecora...) in my fics. However, here they don't seem to be there for anything else than to cause angst in characters. (Okay, I might be guilty of that too...)

They appear, get killed and everyone mourns. That's the story in nutshell. That is what causes the feeling of rushed. There is so much potential, but it seems to be passed to make others mourn and feel sad.

Like I said earlier, this would serve as a good "prototype" and I am going to treat it as such. There is potential here. You just need to fill the space between events  

>>12869421286942

I think I see just what your talking about. (my mind is finally clearing up from the fog it was in when I woke up)

I shall have to think exactly how I will do this... You have given me an excellent idea though. I now have the desire to make a new story out of this. One which tells the same story, but is much better written, and longer.

I hope I sound coherent here. The blog I just posted probably sounds pretty rambling, but it explains the past couple days lol.

Will be ordering dinner now and reading the 2nd chapter!

this is so good have a stache

>>12891621289162

Thank you.

Hmm. As I read this, it does, as Scorched Earth pointed out, seem a bit rushed.

However, I could not help crying regardless. And for some reason, I suddenly began humming this song:

Bravo. It is rare that a story as rushed as this gets any kind of emotional response from me.

>>16608801660880 glad that you enjoyed the story.

You'll have to let me know what song it is that you posted, so I can look up a mobile friendly version. (I intend on being fully back online come the beginning of next month... but till then, I'm on my phone here lol)

>>16609291660929

Oh geez, eight days? I feel like such a jerk! And a lazy bum!

But by now, you ought to be able to see it for yourself. If not, it's "The Hanging Tree (Hunger Games Arrangement)" by adrisaurus. There's also a very interesting version by ApatheticOnion, which is also on YouTube.

>>17143721714372 lol I should be viewing it Monday evening at the latest...

I'll be fully back online by that point

sadist thing i ever read but great job.

Damn....