Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
InsufferableUnicorn
2
6
28
2
6
28
Joined May 2012
34 followers
Groups
-
30w, 21hFluttershy
-
21w, 21hCompleted Story Compendium
83
5,033
You’ll be sitting in your cottage, alone. You’ll be truly alone for a change, as you’ll have asked all of your animal friends to give you some privacy. They’ll have helped you many times in the past, but this time you’ll know that there’s nothing they can do. You’ll gently hold a cup of tea in both forehooves, feeling the warmth seeping into your bones. You won’t drink, however; you’ll be too distracted.
Twilight Sparkle will be gone.
Your dear friend—your third pony friend ever, after Rainbow Dash and Rarity—will be gone. You’ll picture entering the new town library—likely built atop the ashes of the old—and encountering some strange pony where Twilight should be. The thought will be almost too much for you, and the cup of tea will tremble in your hooves. You’ll set it down carefully, not wanting your body to hurt the way your heart will already be doing.
The instant that the cup touches the saucer, you’ll hear knocking at your door. Startled, you’ll let go. Your eyes will widen in alarm as the cup wobbles and rattles, threatening to splash you with its steaming contents. When it finally comes to a halt on the saucer—thin dribbles of tea sliding down one side—you’ll let out a breath that you won’t have realized you were holding.
The knocking will come again.
“Just a second,” you’ll say.
The knocking will come again.
With an effort of willpower, you’ll raise your voice—to a level other ponies would call conversational—and call out, “Just a second, please!” Slowly and carefully, you’ll rise from your cushion and make your way to your front door. There you’ll pause. You’ll brush your long pink mane out of your face with one hoof, and take a deep breath. Opening doors has always been hard for you—after all anypony could be on the other side, or anything—and this time will be no different. You’ll remind yourself firmly that the pony on the other side of the door will be one of your friends; who else will be visiting you, on that day of all days? Still, your heart will beat faster as you reach for the handle, and your wings will press themselves tighter against your body.
The door will open to reveal Applejack.
Her coat will be somewhat lathered, but that won’t surprise you; it will only make sense that she would provide the physical labor for the… event. Her hat will be askew on her head as she gives you a small, tired smile. “Howdy, Fluttershy,” she’ll say. “Mind if Ah come in and sit a spell?”
“Of course not, Applejack,” you’ll say, stepping aside. “Please, come in.” As she enters, your eyes will be caught by the black bandanna tied loosely around her neck. It will clash with her orange coat the way the bright sun outside will clash with your mood. You’ll wonder—with an unwelcome trace of bitterness—why the weather team won’t have made it a gloomy, rainy day. They’ll know what will be happening that day; how could they not, after the inferno? You’ll shake your head slightly and try to focus on your guest. “I’ve made some tea, if you’d like,” you’ll say.
“Iced?” Applejack will ask hopefully, looking back at you over her shoulder.
You’ll shrink in on yourself slightly. “No, it’s hot…” you’ll reply. “I’m sorry,” you’ll add. You will be, too; after all Applejack will have been through, you’ll have dashed her hopes.
She’ll put a brave face on it, of course. “Ah'm plenty hot as it is, but thanks for the offer,” Applejack will say with a chuckle.
“Is…” You’ll falter for a moment. “Is there anything else you’d like to drink?”
“Well, since you’re offerin’… Ah don’t suppose you have any cider?”
You’ll look down at your hooves. I’m a terrible hostess, you’ll think. Rarity would’ve had cider ready…
Applejack’s voice—full of false cheer—will reach your ears: “Shucks, it ain’t quite cider season anyhow. Ah’ll just have me some water.”
Chastened by Applejack’s obvious disappointment, you’ll make your way to your kitchen and draw a glass of water. You’ll feel slightly proud of the ice you’ll add from the unicorn-enchanted icebox you will have recently purchased. At least it will be nice and cold, you’ll think. You’ll also put in a bendy straw.
Applejack will drain half the glass in one long pull. The sigh she’ll let out will tickle you slightly; it’ll be almost as cold against your coat as the water she’ll have just drunk. “Thanks, Fluttershy,” she’ll say with a smile. “That really hits the spot.”
With anypony else, you’ll have known that they were lying—after all, Applejack will have asked for iced tea, not water—but with her you’ll wonder. Will the bearer of Honesty really be willing to lie to you? Uncertain, you’ll reply with only a smile.
Applejack will look around. “Am Ah the first one here?” she’ll ask.
You’ll nod, adding, “That’s right; I haven’t seen any of the others.” Then you’ll look away, silently cursing the redundancy of your nod.
“Huh,” Applejack will say. “Ah guess they’re all still sayin’ their goodbyes.” She’ll look at you then, not quite frowning. “Ah still think you should’ve come.”
You’ll do your best to hide behind your mane. “I couldn’t,” you’ll say, barely loud enough to be heard. You’ll wonder if she’s really going to press the issue again.
She won’t.
Instead she’ll sniff at the air, and then at her coat. “Aw, geez—is that me?” she’ll ask. She’ll turn back to you. “Ah hate to ask this, but do you mind if Ah go freshen up before the others get here?”
You’ll be relieved by the change of subject. “No, of course not!” you’ll say with a smile. “It’s up the stairs, turn left, second door on the right.”
“Thanks again,” Applejack will say, with a nod and a smile of her own. She’ll trot upstairs, and soon afterwards you will hear the familiar sounds of hooves on tile, your squeaky faucets, and splashing water. You'll be mildly, pleasantly surprised when you learn of Applejack's habit of humming to herself when she bathes.
Left to your own devices again, you’ll take a sip of tea—only to have your muzzle scrunch involuntarily. The flavor—so bitter as to be almost painful—will suit your mood as potently as it will fail to suit your taste buds. You’ll stare into the tea for a long moment, overcome by a brief refresher of all of the emotions that will have held you in their grip since the library will have burned down.
When the storm passes, you’ll silently add three sugar cubes.
You’ll be stirring them into your tea when you hear another knock. You’ll set the spoon down gently on the saucer before walking to the door. You’ll have the same internal struggle as always before opening it.
It will be Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Rarity will be wearing a small black hat with a veil, as well as a matching cape. Rainbow Dash will be naked as usual, but unlike usual there will be tears slowly leaking from her light cerise eyes.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash—” you’ll begin.
“It’s nothing,” she’ll say, cutting you off. “I just got dirt or something in my eyes.”
You’ll nod understandingly, and Rarity will give you a small smile. “Hello, darling,” she’ll say. “Thank you for hosting this—ah—get-together.”
“Of course,” you’ll say. “It was the least I could do.”
“You got that right,” Rainbow will mutter.
“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity will exclaim, somehow infusing the words with both shock and scolding.
“Come on, Rarity—it’s not like you weren’t thinking it too!” Rainbow will snap, her tears flowing more freely. “I know if it was me, I’d want you guys to come see me off!”
Rarity—always quick to sense the moods of others—will break from the conversation and turn to you. “There, there, Fluttershy,” she’ll say, embracing you. “Don’t cry, now.” Her horn will glow, and a tissue from the box by your reading chair will float up to your face. She’ll glare at Rainbow as she adds, “Some of us realize that you’re handling this in your own way.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Rainbow will say, but you’ll know from long experience that she will be ready to let the subject go.
“Is it…” You’ll pause to blow your nose. “Is it nice there? Where she—where Twilight… is?”
Rainbow will smile gently at you. “Yeah,” she’ll say. Her still-wet eyes will take on a faraway look as she’ll remember. “We picked out a great little spot for her, up top of a cliff by the ocean. There’s this huge old tree right on the edge there, and the view!” She’ll shake her head and favor you with a little smile. “It’s like you can see forever. Best view I’ve ever seen from the ground.”
Rarity will let you go; perhaps she will sense that you’ll be getting your emotions under control. She’ll smile at Rainbow. “Oh my, yes!” she’ll say. “It was so lovely… not to mention peaceful! Hardly anypony passes by there, so Twilight won’t be disturbed. I’m certain you’ll approve when you go to visit…” She’ll trail off then, and her face will take on a look you’ll know well: head angled slightly downwards, lower lip bitten, and eyelashes aflutter. Her “I’m about to ask a favor” look. “You will visit her—won’t you, Fluttershy?” she’ll ask. “When you’re ready?”
The emotions will churn within you for a moment again, but you’ll keep hold of yourself. “Yes, of course,” you’ll say, and you’ll mean it.
Rarity and Rainbow will both smile at you then. “Glad that’s settled,” Rainbow will say. She’ll rub at one eye. “Hey, mind if I use your sink? It’s really jammed in there.”
You’ll nod, but even before you finish the motion a horrible thought will occur to you. You’ll picture Rainbow making her way up the stairs and to your bathroom… just heading on in without realizing that Applejack will be in there. She and Applejack will be so embarrassed, you’ll think, and it will be all my fault for not speaking up and stopping her!
You’ll return to yourself then—just opening your mouth to speak—when you’ll realize that Rainbow will have headed to your kitchen. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief, and Rarity will raise one immaculate eyebrow. “Fluttershy? Are you all right?” she’ll ask.
Embarrassed by your foalish imaginings, you’ll simply nod.
Rarity will smile. “Oh, good,” she’ll say. “With everything that’s happened since that terrible fire, the last thing we need is more stress.” She’ll make her way to your sofa and lie down. “I know that Applejack and Rainbow Dash have been doing the—how shall we say—heavy lifting,” Rarity will say, “but that’s not to say that sorting through dear Twilight’s possessions has been easy. There were just so many books! And that’s not to mention her various scientific apparatus and her mementos from her time in Canterlot.” She’ll shake her head. “It rather makes one consider just how many possessions one has…”
Unsure of how to respond to that, you’ll ask, “Was Pinkie Pie able to help at all?”
Rarity will scoff, then she’ll catch herself and change it into an obviously fake cough. “Excuse me,” she’ll say with a sheepish grin, knowing that you’ll have caught her. “Pinkie Pie was…” Rarity will trail off and bite her lip momentarily. “Energetic. Very energetic and very eager to help. However, I’m afraid that our styles of organization are simply too different; we wound up tripping over each other more often than not. In the end I asked her to see to little Spikey-wikey.”
“You didn’t want to be with him?” you’ll ask, confused.
“Oh, that’s not what I mean at all—good heavens, no!” Rarity will say, as she’ll put one hoof to her chest. “It’s just that Pinkie Pie is so good with children—you’ve seen her with the Cake twins—and of the two of us, I’m… Oh, how to put this?”
“Much better at organizing? Especially when it comes to small, breakable objects?” Pinkie will suggest.
Rarity will smile. “Well, I don’t mean to braaaaaaaagh!” Rarity will be on her hooves in a flash, and halfway across the room. “Pinkie Pie!” she’ll gasp. “Where did you come from?!”
Pinkie will tilt her head and frown slightly. “I never told you that?” she’ll ask. “Well, my two sisters and I grew up on our parent’s rock farm, and they grew up—”
“That is not what I meant!”
“Oh.” Pinkie will smile hugely. “I came in through the window!” she’ll say, gesturing over one shoulder. Sure enough, you’ll see an open window behind her.
“’Bout time y’all caught up to me,” Applejack will say. This time it will be your turn to jump: you won’t have heard her finish up in the bathroom.
“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow will say as she’ll enter from the kitchen. “It’s not my fault Rarity wanted to swing by her place on the way.”
Rarity will stand a little straighter. “One should always strive to look one’s best, Rainbow Dash—no matter the occasion.”
That reminder will make you wince. Pinkie will embrace you instantly, and say, “Aw, don’t get all down in the lumpy-dumps again, Fluttershy!” You’ll hear your front door open as she adds, “Twilight’s in a better place now.”
“I’ll say,” Twilight Sparkle will say from behind you. “I mean I loved the library, but my new house is just amazing!”
Pinkie will spin you around to face your newest guest. “Twilight…” you’ll say, overcome with emotion.
“Hi, Fluttershy,” Twilight will say with a smile. At her side will be a tall stack of wide, shallow cardboard boxes. “Sorry I’m late: the pizza place took longer than I expected.”
“Woohoo! Pizza!” Pinkie will say. “Did you get one with marshmallows and mushrooms?”
Twilight will make a face, then say, “Yes, yes I did. It’s all yours.” Pinkie will let go of you and rush to claim her custom pie. The others will follow suit.
After narrowly dodging four hungry ponies, Twilight will look to you. Her smile will fade slightly. “Aren’t you having any, Fluttershy?”
It will be so very tempting to make up an excuse, but you’ll gather your willpower once again. “I don’t deserve any,” you’ll say, too quietly for the others to hear.
“What? Don’t be silly!” Twilight will say. “I mean I’ll admit that I don’t see what was so traumatizing about the thought of helping me move, but you did volunteer to host the post-move pizza party. I’d say we’re even.”
Hope will begin to bloom in your heart. “Really?” you’ll ask.
“Really,” Twilight will say with a smile.
“Thanks, Twilight,” you’ll say. You’ll help yourself to a slice of your favorite: rose and sunflower, with extra sunflowers, and you’ll wash it down with a sip of your—
You’ll freeze.
“Fluttershy? What’s wrong?” Twilight will ask.
“Nothing,” you’ll lie. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Your tea will have gone cold.
Comments ( 83 )
Post Comment
Refresh
This fic was written in response to a kind-of-sort-of challenge... dare... thing... from an Equestria Daily pre-reader.
That was... odd.
And it was finely written on the technical side, so of course I won't downvote it.
And I don't get it. Oh, sure, I see the way that you were leading things on and so on, but I guess I didn't "get" it in the sense that this doesn't appeal to me at all... I suppose then the most deserved thing is for me to just click away without rating.
Well, I have a personal sort of honor system where I try hard not to condemn things for content-- looking at style, attention to details, creativity, etc. and other stuff. It's all subjective in a lot of ways, of course. So, I dislike this story, but I can't / won't condemn it since it's written nicely.
You could have had Fluttershy end up serving tea with her urine in it or tea with the blood of Applebloom's corpse in it or something like that, and I would have had about the exact same reaction (no thanks-- but no downvote).
I suppose I sound prissy now, but... eh... whatever... 
Actually, you get a brohoof from me: I only downvote when it's glaringly obvious that a writer holds FiM and/or writing in contempt. Experimental stylings and subject matter that alarms others isn't enough to earn a downvote from me.
And like you, I don't upvote stories I don't actually like. Overall I'd say you're being perfectly reasonable. 
Well also like every time I think about downvoting a fic I find with 'blargh' content (but just the content) my mind starts to argue back with me...
Me: I think I might do it. I'll downvote him.
Brain: You? Doing that?
Yes!
And you're taking this position, mister 'Big Mac pleasures himself with freaky female Everfree forest plants' fanfic author?
Well... that was hot though. Weird, but hot. People actually clopped to that story.
And mister 'Shipped Rule 63 Twist with Nightmare Moon'.
But that was... ah... but there were complicated emotions behind that story...
And mister 'turned Google Chrome into a living pony and had her have the hots for Twillight'.
But that idea is so funny! And Chrome pony is so cute and just so appealing-- I'd so be tappin' dat white plot if I was Twilight!
And, let's never forget the whole 'my first fanfic was a tale of mother-son incest' thing.
Hang on, now...
Seriously, right out the gate you were like-- "Candy-colored equines having slice-of-life fun? F**k that! I'm going to do an out of left field psychological drama experiment."
Okay, fine! I'll click away without making any vote at all! Stupid brain!
>This does make me sound insane. It's accurate-ish, though, since I'd say I'm honestly "partially insane" to a functional degree.
Well. That was different.
I gotta say, though... I liked it. Good job.
Not the biggest fan of the ending -- then again, I'm not a fan of fake-outs in general -- but you managed to use the perspective/tense in such a way that it wasn't distracting and (at times) added to the story. Never thought I'd see the day.
Have an upvote. To avoid bias, I won't be the one pre-reading your fic, but know that I did read it. And liked it.
I've never written a piece in response to a request (or whatever) before; it was quite a lot of fun! 
I completely understand about it going to someone else for the official read. Thank you for taking a look at it just for fun!
I'm so happy that you liked it! Ha, my cheeks are getting sore from smiling too hard! 
Well, well, well ...
I think I will have liked this story. I won't have had any problems adjusting to being will willing be willing being willing have been ... [insert future progressive form of 'be'] Fluttershy - I will have been liking second-person stories quite a bit already. But I will have gone through several emotional stages at the use of future tense, which I will have understood that the story was about though.
My reactions to it will have varied from "Well, this is unusual" to "I guess I could get used to it" over "Alright, this could be annoying if it keeps going on like this" to "Oh my god, this is getting infuriating" and finally forgetting pretty much all about it as soon as the dialog will have started. I will have guessed that it really is true that my brain will only have filtered out the speech and the associated speaker, often ignoring the speaking verb. The extra narration during that part will then have caused no more stress like I will have mentioned before.
Although I will believe that some parts of the narration should not have been in future tense, which will possibly just be a matter of opinion and timeframe the story will have been set in. I will have meant passages like this:
>She’ll be the bearer of Honesty, after all; she won’t have gotten there by lying.
The way I will have read the story is: "I am the reader right now. I exist. I am Fluttershy, therefore Fluttershy already exists." Then passages like this will have led me to believe that I (Fluttershy) will already have met my (her) friends:
>They’ll have helped you many times in the past
But this will just have been a minor complaint and probably a matter of opinion. Overall, this I will have deemed this a successful attempt at the challenge.
I will also have pointed out the only error I could find in my one read-through:
>and the cup of tea will tremble in you hooves.
EDIT: Will have forgotten to point out that I really will have felt like I'd gotten an insight into Fluttershy's head and insecurities.
I'll thank you for your thoughts and insights.
I'll relate to you how strange it will have been to write in future tense, to the point that my brain will have felt like it was itching. 
I'll then clarify my terrible wording, and reveal that the "bearer of Honesty" part will have been meant to show that the fic will have been set in Fluttershy's personal future at a young age, as though it will have been something she has yet to hear from a seer. I'll then confess that this style will likely be beyond my ability to execute properly. 
I'll finish by announcing that it will be due for an editing run--as I will have submitted it to plague the minds of EQD's readers--and by thanking you for having caught that spelling derp, which both the pre-reader and I will have missed.
Hm. Interesting, though not exactly my cup of tea. Not sure whether the hint in one of the bits of dialogue is a good thing or not, as it's nice to suspect what's going on before the twist, but then, is the twist really as satisfying? Tough choice.
Still, well executed. Just... odd.
You, sir, have done something I previously thought impossible. Not only have you written a good second person fic, but you have written a good second person fic in future tense. Looking at this fic is like looking at a paradox. I have trouble believing that this is a real thing that exists in front of me.
So basically what I'm trying to say here is good fucking job. I'm seriously impressed.
Um. Am I the only one that actually really enjoyed this fic? I mean, first of all, it's written in 2nd person future-tense. Holy hell that must've been hard. And more importantly, you pulled a magnificent bait and switch. A lot of times you see the whole "sex but not sex" trick, but I've never seen a "Mane 6 death but not Mane 6 death" before!
You get an upvote from me, good sir.
As much as I admire the attempt to write a story in second person future, I think this story shows clearly why people never write in second person future. It's... not very good, really. The presentation is a constant distraction, and I don't see any way around that other than either 1) writing in a more traditional format, or 2) writing a story where the tense and perspective are somehow integral to the ability to tell that story (for the record, I have no idea what such a story would look like).
Still, there's something to be said for novelty. And while the fact that this is extremely well-executed highlights the weakness of the choice in structure, but it is well-executed for all that. If this was your attempt to show a pre-reader that it could be done, then good for you; you've succeeded without a doubt. If your intent was to show that it should be done though, I'm not convinced. Either way, props for trying something different, at least, and I hope you'll excuse me for not rating.
All that and a bag of chips. The only other thing I could really say to the author?
Start at 0:41, otherwise, it's too long.
This was different, man. And I like different--good, "I actually used my brain and not my penis or childhood fantasy complex" different, which is a rare thing around here. Bless you and please, continue to stimulate our thoughts and feels with such creations.
You didn't just get along well enough with the future tense. You actually used it to make the story even better. The future tense really helped sell the ruse, I felt. Having that separation of time in there made it feel all the more genuine to me. This is a very good piece of writing, and I applaud you for it.
That was pretty amusing. It was clear that a twist was coming, and with that expectation in mind, it was easy to predict what the twist was. 2nd person future tense was funny - not something that'd work for a longer story, but it worked here. The future perfect made me smile whenever it came up, especially the punchline.
Your dear friend—your third pony friend ever, after Rainbow Dash and Rarity—will be gone. You’ll picture entering the new town library—likely built atop the ashes of the old—and encountering some strange pony where Twilight should be. The thought will be almost too much for you, and the cup of tea will tremble in your hooves. You'll set it down carefully, not wanting your body to hurt the way your heart will already be doing.“Is it…” You’ll pause to blow your nose. “Is it nice there? Where she—where Twilight… is?”
Rainbow will smile gently at you. “Yeah,” she’ll say. Her still-wet eyes will take on a faraway look as she’ll remember. “We picked out a great little spot for her, up top of a cliff by the ocean. There’s this huge old tree right on the edge there, and the view!”
Wait, so Twilight died???
Image: http://i.ytimg.com/vi/SB6OGvgEvi4/0.jpgThat reminder will make you wince. Pinkie will embrace you instantly, and say, “Aw, don’t get all down in the lumpy-dumps again, Fluttershy!” You’ll hear your front door open as she adds, “Twilight’s in a better place now.”“I’ll say,” Twilight Sparkle will say from behind you. “I mean I loved the library, but my new house is just amazing!”
Image: http://forum.reachingperfection.com/file/n3251064/129923751541-MLP_I_see_what_you_d.jpgFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!............................
Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/9871273.jpgGood one man. Good one...
I give a thumb up for the unorthodox writing style.
I always use images to convey my thoughts. 
Oh, Fluttershy, you can't even troll right. 
Without a Sad tag, this twist doesn't work.
Still, a wonderfully ambiguous story. You honestly had me guessing EqD forgot the tag this time. An exercise in detail and wordplay. Were this written two years ago, you would be the most famous writer in the fandom. As it is, you deserve all the views and the EqD feature.
I have to admit, I'm...not used to second-person perspective stories. I've read only a few of those...but I've read even fewer that were written in future tense. So to get a double-whammy, if you will, is even more intriguing than usual. I have to admit though, aside from the future tense, the use of the second person perspective was actually handled well.
Title was just a bit misleading. Though, considering the twist at the end, that was probably intentional. You really had me going until the fake-out was revealed. Good job!
Brilliant twist at the end, there, I can honestly say I didn't see it coming! You did an excellent job of hiding the twist (perhaps almost too good; some of the reactions felt a little exaggerated perhaps, in order to achieve the hiding); I would've never guessed at it in a million years.
And I won't spoil anything for those that have yet to read this; all I'll say is this: after getting to the ending, I understand why this wasn't "sad" tagged.
That has got to be one of the few if not first fics I have read that was entirely in future tense.
I really did think that Twi had "moved on" so for that I salute you and did raise "I see what you did there" at the end.
From a technical stand point it was really well done. I half expected it to slip into present tense at the end and make it all seem like a really bad dream but how you finished this was perfect.
Well Done.
As many others have stated, this was a very different fic. The idea is unique, and mostly solid. My only issue that I had, was the forcing of the thoughts on the reader. The constant "will" and "you'll" and forcing the actions on the reader instead of allowing them to happen naturally made it feel like you're just reading something, not experiencing it.
Bottom line, for whatever "style" of story this is, it was nice. I kinda guessed the ending... but well, that's how most fics go anymore. You just hope the author adds in details and emotion between the beginning and end to suffice the read. I'd say you did that quite well. Many of the thoughts that Fluttershy (or well, "you") have I could easily imagine running through not just anyone's head, but Fluttershy's as well.
With that said, I give it a 3.5. Over all, a deserved thumbs up.
I liked it, but I would daresay the fakeout was not only not needed but actually detracted from the story. The thing is (except for the pizza party) this is more or less how I see the mane six reacting to Twi's death. Other writers can go so overboard with emotions that it just looses all plausibility even though they are very close. Also the writing style is unique and works well for this fic. Good job.
I did enjoy the story, and the twist was a pleasant turn of events that actually made me smile.
On a technical level, I don't believe I could ever grow comfortable reading second-person future tense. It's very distracting, however, kudos to you on pulling it off.
But with that being said... I feel like I've missed something in this whole story. I can't pinpoint it, exactly, but I just feel ike there's some information missing about this, somewhere.
Reading a story written entirely in future perfect tense was certainly an interesting experience. And I mean in a good way. It was like watching a tightrope act; I kept expecting it to fall apart at some point but instead my inner grammarian has been thoroughly pleased.
I must say, there aren't nearly enough "happy twist ending"-type stories for my tastes, so this one is much appreciated. I find no fault with this story, and it made me feel good, so liked.
Aww, hell, faved. 
I can't stand the way that you wrote this. It's not that the writing is bad, it is pretty good as far as I can tell, but I can't stand the perspective that it is written in. I love the story otherwise. That said I am not going to give any kind of feedback other than this comment. Sorry
I have to love this fic. The story throughout was written in quite an emotional sense, which just felt right for the mood it portrayed. The set-up was great. Mayhaps I'm a tad dense in this area, but I didn't see the twist coming at all. I was very much in the doldrums area of "Oh god, I can't believe Twilight is dead...".
Perhaps my favourite bit about this fic, though, is how it's written very dramatically even after the twist is revealed. Taking itself too seriously in a now unwarranted environment, especially with the closing line, was just the cherry on top of this for me.
Good job, author. I give this one a well-deserved upvote and fave.
I don't know. The twist and setting were handled okay - although I have no idea why Rarity would be wearing a black hat with a veil - but there is just something about this writing style that don't resonate with me. FimFiction should have a "Meh" button for these situations.
***SPOILRARS
I went from:
"Twilight's house burned down and she has to move."
to
"Twilight's house burned down and perished."
back to
"Twilight's house burned down and she has to move."
I think you dragged it on a bit too much, making it obvious that Twilight didn't really die.
Fun read regardless; that's just Fluttershy to be... Fluttershy.
Holy hay, so many comments! Thank you all for leaving your thoughts; feedback is possibly my favorite thing about FiMfiction!
I'd like to give bonus thanks to those who were tempted to downvote but decided not to; your Kindness is not ignored. 
And a double thank-you with sprinkles to everypony who actually enjoyed this silly thing!
Aw--I totally should've used that, especially after putting so much spotlight on her neuroses! [Kicks dirt.] Ah, well--my path is set. 
Heh, the only part of your guess that was wrong was that the challenge never specified that the tale had to be good.
Somepony asked the pre-readers about tenses and POVs, and Daffodil said--if memory serves--that second-person fics about the Six had a tendency to go out-of-character, and that he'd never seen a future-tense. Then he made his critical error: "I hope that someone takes this as an opportunity to do a serious submission [to EQD] in second-person future tense." 
It wasn't meant to be trolling, Honest! That's why I left off the Sad tag... I like to think of it more as a magic trick of the feels--everypony likes magic tricks, right?
AJ wanted a bandanna so she could wipe sweat off her face, and Rarity was experimenting with Gothic fashion.
Perhaps my favourite bit about this fic, though, is how it's written very dramatically even after the twist is revealed. Taking itself too seriously in a now unwarranted environment, especially with the closing line, was just the cherry on top of this for me.
So that's what BleedingRaindrops meant in that review! *Ahem* Yes, that was all skill and owes nothing to dumb luck/divine inspiration.
Image: http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/343/f/8/liarjack_animated__gif_by_kyrospawn-d4ao49a.gif~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I just realized that this fic now has more views than words--thank you all again! I hope you also enjoy my Ponystar Celestia and Twilight Writes a "Dear Seabiscuit" Letter!
Oh! And for you horror fans out there: I'm also hammering out a one-shot for Night Mare Night. I hope it scares your tails off! 
Nice to see a bait-and-switch that isn't based around sex or masturbation. Especially given that aside Applejack and Rarity wearing black, everything is really easy to understand on a second read (the weather one took me a second, I guess she figured they should have made it overcast so they wouldn't have to haul luggage in the sun?).
Only thing I want to make sure I understand is the old library. It caught fire but wasn't destroyed entirely, just enough that Twilight had to move, right?
Contrary to most people here, I enjoyed this.
I mean really enjoyed this.
The future tense added a feeling of anticipation and suspense ("this is going to happen, and all I can do is watch") to this that I think present-tense would be hard to match, and the second-person perspective from Fluttershy's mind adds depth, hitting the ol' feelings hard.
And this wasn't a twist for me, so much as it was a feelings whiplash. I honestly believed Twilight was dead, even after she spoke. My initial reaction was that she was some kind a magic ghost or something like that.
Lastly, I don't know if this is what the author intended for it to be, but I think Fluttershy's surprise at her cold tea was due to the internal monologue she had, when she felt she had failed when she could not give Applejack cold tea.
I commend you for this, and I sincerely hope for more,
-Delta-
Buck you. I can usually tell when an author is leading me on. At first it was no different-I knew that everything was fine. But eventually, I started doubting. Reactions, entourage, word choice-just as I gave in and believed what you wanted me to believe, she walks into the room safe and sound! It was decently written though, but choose your words more carefully. Sorry to be unable to elaborate further.
PS a quick clarification-not hating here or anything. Grammar and writing are definite benefits of this story. Plo... Storyline is not half bad either (unoriginal, but still good). Execution is what's lacking. You are too convincing. In the end, it is easier to believe my original thoughts, than to accept this... Party.
Thank you; I'm glad you liked it!
Fluttershy: Nothing so practical; she sincerely regarded the move as a grim occasion and wanted grim weather to match.
The library: While they were able to recover many of Twilight's possessions, there was too much structural damage and the tree-brary had to be demolished. Another one is being built.
How so? 
I'm curious when folks bring up alternate angles...
Too mine!
Too convincing? 
I feel a bit thick...
Do you want me to lose my job?! 
Sweet Jesus. All my Jesus.
That was clever. Most people are right when they say that writing in both future tense and second person, whether simultaneously or separately, is bad. It can end up distracting and confusing, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't perturbed by the number of times you had to use the word 'will'. It is commendable though, and very fitting for the scenario, because having the entire story in 2nd person future tense gave the perfect sense of looming gloom and foreboding.
A+
Thank you; I'll carry on, then!
I'm gald you both like it, and I completely agree! In fact, it was something I noticed as I brainstormed, and part of what led me to choose the melancholy facade. It struck me as similar to being in a roller coaster: while you're in no real danger you feel like your life is in someone else's hooves.
I figure it comes from the immersion of second-person, combined with pulling away the usual mental safeguards of tense: with past you feel some comforting distance thanks to all the little "was"es, and present tense allows you the illusion of free will. Future, however... Well, I think Agent Smith said it best:
Cancel
Send