Flutterdash
Rainbow Dash has had a secret for a while, and she needs to confess, or she will soon enough go insane. So, will Rainbow Dash confess her secret, or will she take the road down insanity? And will she be rejected by her pony-friends because of this secret? Or will she be even more accepted into her community? Why are there so many questions to be answered in this description? Why am I still writing this? Is it even funny anymore? Find out in... Rainbow's Secret! LIKE FOR THE NEW DESC.!!!
-There is going to be about 4-5 chapters, unless it gets popular enough to where people are begging for more, then there might be like 6-8 chapters!!!
P.S. this is my first story EVAR! So if it is bad, please give me advice via comments. BUT, if you like it, then like it!
Sorry for the first chapter being so short! I just wasn't in my zone. Next few chapters should get progressively longer!
Stay tuned!!!
That;s why i wasn't getting any views! It wasn't submitted!
1273866
Silly Bot. Go away!!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alright. Right off the bat. New Lines for each time a different character speaks. Please.
Somehow you said that Rainbow flew away from her secret crush BEFORE she figured it out herself. Might wanna work that.
Also maybe a page break or something to show the break between dream and reality. While reading I had to come back and realized that most of this was a dream since it was hardly referenced as one.
Also Dash is a character that might jump to conclusions but the idea that they had the same dream seems comes outta no where. Might wanna keep the whole same dream bit until Shy starts explaining the dream.
"That maybe you can... umm." "Spend the night at your house?"
Might wanna work this bit. I have no clue for sure who's house is being used.
Still running fast.
You could expand on the whole repressed feelings bit. Maybe a flashback or something. I dunno. Your story. Just sayin. She realizes things really quick.
So my UN-professional crits..... The story is a bit rushed. Minor mechanical errors as well as a few minor spelling errors.
The story is well organized and is great fun to read... I always like the FlutterDash concepts! With some refinement this fic could go from good to great very easily. Personally I would like to see some slower development and build up to the confession (but thats just me). All in all this is a good read and I look forward to reading more of your work. Thanx for your hard work and imagination! CHEERS!
i979.photobucket.com/albums/ae276/moonlightmouse/Gif/fluttershy_and_rainbow_dash_by_kero444-d4z3lcc.gif
Score:
1274346
Good point PonyGod and thanks for not trashing the author like many others would for the minor transgressions. But you know what they say:
i86.photobucket.com/albums/k98/wolfantix/shiphappens.jpg
can you take constructive criticism cause if not, i'm still gonna give it.
you have people talking in the same paragraph and that makes it confusing.
for example, you wrote:
"Hey, Fluttershy, need any help?" Fluttershy turned and said "Oh, hi Rainbow! Umm... yeah, I think this might be too heavy for me. Thanks!" Rainbow glided over and took the box from Fluttershy. "What's in this thing? Bricks?" Rainbow asked Fluttershy. "Actually, it is bricks! How'd you know?" "Lucky guess." Rainbow said. "So, what do you need with bricks? Are you building a wall around your cottage?" "No, I'm not building a wall. I'm building a house!" Fluttershy replied. "Oh yeah, 'cause you OBVIOUSLY don't already have a house." Rainbow replied in a sarcastic tone.
a better way to read and write it is:
"Hey, Fluttershy, need any help?"
Fluttershy turned and said "Oh, hi Rainbow! Umm... yeah, I think this might be too heavy for me. Thanks!"
Rainbow glided over and took the box from Fluttershy. "What's in this thing? Bricks?" Rainbow asked Fluttershy.
"Actually, it is bricks! How'd you know?"
"Lucky guess." Rainbow said. "So, what do you need with bricks? Are you building a wall around your cottage?"
"No, I'm not building a wall. I'm building a house!" Fluttershy replied.
"Oh yeah, 'cause you OBVIOUSLY don't already have a house." Rainbow replied in a sarcastic tone.
There's a typo in the title of your story! I mean, it's already been pointed out, but I just need to emphasize just how off-putting that can be. I saw that and thought, "This guy didn't proofread anything, his story won't be worth the effort to read." Not to say it's a bad story or anything, just that I'll probably never find out.
EDIT: Ok that sounds a little meaner than I meant, but I'm always trying to find new good authors, and stuff like that means I just won't look, so I won't know if I like your stories or not.
1274696
Thank you for pointing that out. I'll fix that right away!
>>YourBronyGod
1: Thank you for telling me that! IO always except constructive criticism!
2: She was thinking back on the dream, so she already knew that she liked her, so I made it in a way to where it seemed as though you were reading her mind.
3: I will try to remember that next time!
4: I will re-make this story but called 'Fluttershy's Secret' where it's the same thing, but in her point of view, so you can see both dreams.
Newest installment of... Rainbow's Secret! This time, the girls are at the sleepover!
Want more? Stay tuned! I usually update it every day!
good job
Wow, that was amazing
Apart from the issue of telling and not showing... its a good story and an alternative start to their relationship than most.
FTW!
Please keep going. You have earned yourself a thumbs up and a fave from one of the more hard core Flutterdash shippers around (although if thats a good thing or a bad thing... I'm not sure...)
1275442
Thank you very much for your comment!
1275317
Thank you for complimenting my story!
That was amazing man, i loved it
rating:
AWW this is just to cute for words........I still dig it!
i979.photobucket.com/albums/ae276/moonlightmouse/Gif/fluttershy_and_rainbow_dash_by_kero444-d4z3lcc.gif
Not bad for a first effort, but not amazing either. The other people who commented pointed out some of the bigger issues with the content and structure of the story. I couldn't help but notice several typos. You used "your" instead of "you're," and your punctuation for the dialogue was incorrect. I have a blog post summarizing the rules of punctuating dialogue that should be helpful to you: The Egghead's Guide to Punctuation. Also, more than half the time, you forgot to capitalize the ponies' names. You clearly need a proofreader, and I happen to be one. PM me if you're interested.
YAY! 500+ views!
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why so short :(
demands more
1297075I will make more right away!!!
-Derpy
twas a good chapter
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhysi20D2e1qbgvgt.bmp
1312827Whenever i see dat patrick, i always die a little. lol
-Derpy
1310360good!
This is good I really want to see more of this
1310360 Come on... I can't wait to see what happens in that dream
Period goes inside the parenthesis...
1350723 OK, i'll fix that!
-Derpy
1350849
No problem!
i.imgur.com/j4Nnv.png ~Wolf
(Custom Icon FTW!)
Come on Flutters Rainbow will always love you
That was an... interesting... dream.
now for comfort time...
Ok error checks:
*Facehoof* "This will take some practice." Rainboe Dash said, groaning.
Review: Hmmm....this could be better (though I am way under qualified as to suggest how). It seemed to be fast I must have blinked and missed something.........still keep at it! We still having fun! and we need to see wtf happens
Your reward:
th01.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/f/2011/316/a/8/flutterdash_by_xhazard78x-d47t8wl.png
1350983 How'd you so that!??!
1354206 I recolored the RD icons...
then put them on imgur
i.imgur.com/krEPt.png (Sillyfilly-Wolf)
i.imgur.com/Ts3Dm.png (Wolf Laugh)
i.imgur.com/GhrVP.png (Wolf Derp)
i.imgur.com/j4Nnv.png (Wolf Determined2)
i.imgur.com/732EL.png (Wolf Huh)
i.imgur.com/rx9S9.png (Wolf Kiss)
i.imgur.com/XhvDj.png (Wolf Laugh)
i.imgur.com/tZAlz.png (Wolf Wild)
TAH DAH!
derpy, i must say that i absolutely love this story and i dont mind short chapters to much, but i have to agree with YourBronyGod, and monsterlord18, transition from the dream, and a little tweaking here and there, other than that i have to say i have seen far worse from people who have been writing for much longer time periods. id say you started out great!
/)
The correct term is 'fetlock'
another thing...
you use the word 'said' far too much, use other speaking words.
and...
ERMAHGHERD!
UPDERT!
i.imgur.com/j4Nnv.png ~Wolf
diu vivere in lupus imperium!
1407803 What was that last part? I don't speak tasmanian.
1407821
it's a over-excited and goofy way of saying 'OH MY GOD! UPDATE!'
i.imgur.com/j4Nnv.png ~Wolf
diu vivere in lupus imperium!
You can't just cut me off in a sentence for the purposes of a cliffhanger! I have a habit of going psychopathic on cliffhangers!!! DO YOU WANT ME TO GO CRAZY!!! WELL!#$@SXKdsb$^jKJNJKBBJ%&&^Ggjjzc kgigGGJBH^&XHJsz":>?LX:HKN><?>X>?:XHNK<JBFZYT&*I*YIHUKJ7838yhGJS!@!
Also, very nice story. Can't wait for another update.
1407878 You scare me. Good Job!
1407829 no I mean the "diu vivere in lupus imperium!" part. lol
1408282
'long live the wolf empire!'
i.imgur.com/j4Nnv.png ~Wolf
diu vivere in lupus imperium!
Secabis sermone. Da mihi novum capitulo
-Latin Pinkamena Diane Pie-
1408509 I should have a new chapter by the end of this week! Hopefully the longest one yet!
Patiens esto, commodo.
1408327 I went into google translate and that means: long live the wolf control! lol
EGO vere loqui nonnulli etiam Latini.
1413024Ut 'quid ego habeo interrete pro
1413024 It DOES mean empire.
It has multiple meanings.
(government, control, empire, etc...)
i.imgur.com/j4Nnv.png ~Wolf
diu vivere in lupus imperium!