Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
5
20
84
172
7,452
<
HoofBitingActionOverload
Joined May 2012
202 followers
172
7,452
0
50821
158888
HoofBitingActionOverload
5
20
84
Joined May 2012
202 followers
Groups
172
7,452
7,452 ( 7,452 )
More
Less
Comments ( 172 )
Post Comment
Refresh
+
=this story.
The idea of an RariJack is as old as "freindship is magic" itself, but you stil managed to give it a twist, a twist that made it stand out from the crowd.
I could not find anything wrong with you grammar, but i am not the best myself so don't be surprised if other people do.
Your writing is detailed but on the same time paced correctly. While not exactly J.R.R tolkien qulity, it is stil wery well written.
now for the rating.
1 green thumb, and 5 spikes: 
Big thumbs up for a fresh take on a classic ship!
Only thing I would have changed: instead of Sugar Sweet, use a canon background unicorn mare such as Lemony Gem or Holly Dash. There are so many background ponies begging for character development, many of them with Hasbro-official names, that it's a shame to see them go unused in favor of OCs.
Now then, after reading, I will say I enjoyed it greatly. A couple of errors, but nothing too bad.
Rarity decided to move on. There was nothing left to lose. “But I really like you, and I thought it would be okay to pretend, just for a little while, that… that you liked me too.”She looked up to meet Applejack’s eyes. “I promise I’ll never see Sugar
Sweet again. Please say that we can still be friends,” her voice began to break, “I just don’t want to lose you.”
I think you pressed enter by accident.
Rainbow Dash pulled her back. “Quiet, don’t let her to see you!”
No need for a 'to.'
Small errors don't take away that this is a good story. Congrats.
Pretty good, although the 
thing at the end probably should have been extended, given how pissed was, I would expect her to at least need to sleep on it. It also could have been funny to have 
employ Sugar Sweets services to help her with the magic transformation or whatever spell.
"Applejack’s attention kept getting caught by the shapely curves of the unicorn’s flank. Occasionally, Rarity cutely swished her tail to one side. Applejack tried to look away, but found herself entranced. Her gaze was anchored to that pearly white flank, willing the tail to swish again."
*sudden mental image of Applejack wearing sunglasses and biting her bottom lip*
That would be...pretty funny.
"So..who do you like? I've seen you around with that colorful pegasus *transforms into Rainbow Dash* Maybe you'd like to break her sound barrier?
No? Well, perhaps you like the strong, silent type? *puts on a strap-on, transforms into Big Macintosh* Still no? A powerful unicorn like you needs an equally powerful mate...*Sugar Sweet concentrates for a bit, then a bright flash of light as she transforms into Princess Celestia* Are you hot for teacher?"
"Uhh, thanks, but no thanks. What I REALLY want to know is how you perform such skillful transformations!"
Rarijack, for the win! And this...was so beautiful 
You've earned a follower, a like and a favourite!
Image: http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k147/LTvball121/CryingWoman-ItsSoBeautiful.gif
How in god's name did this get into the feature box? 
You people are silly.
Thank You!
Yay, I wrote something original! Thank you for the mustaches.
Twilight wouldn't even know what to do with herself. 
I love you.
I'm actually not sure what 'changeling cop out' you're referring to. But thanks all the same. 
I thought 'shocking' would draw in readers.
Thank you!
I'm more curious as to what Dash is going to do. 
Uggh, that was such a missed opportunity. Can't believe I didn't think of it. 
Thank you!
Yeah, but I just couldn't think of any other way for that to play out though. Maybe she could have bit herself? 
... I actually don't even particularly like the RariJack ship...
Responding to all these comments is taking so long, I think might not have time to read the new updates for Lost and Found. 
Seriously, why isn't that in the feature box? Oh well, I'm not gonna complain when something good happens.
Thank you!
Fixed, pointing out errors is much appreciated.
A fair point.
Hilarious because it's true.
Not into lez ponies?! 
Thank you!
I'll be honest, I included Dash just so that she could say her "She's a hooker" line.
Indeed, another missed opportunity. 
Yeah, I really should have come up with something better.
I may or may not have been projecting myself in the story in that passage.
Well, I'm glad one of us is sure.
Indeed, so would I.
Thank you!
Once again, a fair point. I have no real rebuttal. The idea was that AJ would be so happy to find out that Rarity had feelings for her that it overrode her anger. Ship logic, it is what it is.
Eh, more what?
Thank you! 
I actually agree with you, but they're just so darn cute together.
I got just a horrendous opinion from someone over on ponychan. I thought for sure everyone would hate this.
How wrong our expectations can be. 
And yeah, I love this screen cap. One of the coolest expressions I've ever seen her make.
I didn't think about that. Poor Spike... 
Oh, I'm sure she gets around.
Har Har
In all seriousness, nothing would make me happier than seeing Sugar Sweet show up in another fan work.
Oh...well..erm...I'm not really sure what else to do with it... sorry... 
This one just stands out compared to the other RariJack ships! Something about it just felt stronger and more compelling than the other. Usually, I'd be able to identify it and make a writeup, but I'm too tired, right now. I dunno. But I'm probably going to re-read this later, then make a writeup that will make you feel good about yourself.
In any case, nice story! Adorableness abound!
Is that...Rarijack in the featured box?
Awesome. *adds to The Properly Organized Rarijack Group*
Okay, so I read the story, your latest blog, and the thread on Ponychan plus the Google Doc with comments. I realize that some folks might take issue with themes presented here (let's not beat around the bush--prostitution 
), but to deem it "the most disgusting thing I have ever read" is being unnecessarily harsh. Also disingenuous, because a pony fiction is the most offensive thing this person's ever read? Please, gimme a fucking break.
Anyway, I agree with some of what has already been stated above. Rarity using an escort seems highly out of character (at the very least, we should see how this behavior affects her emotionally), and Applejack's reaction goes from furious to accepting far too quickly. Explanation: ship-logic, the likely culprit. The writing is good, but I felt pretty disconnected most of the time due to the aforementioned problems. Oh, and this is a personal thing, but 'I' > 'Ah.' Sorry, I can't stand that. Everyone already knows how Applejack talks, and as a native to the southern US I'd like to find whoever popularized Applejack saying 'Ah' instead of 'I' and kick him/her in the ass. It's annoying and distracting.
Don't let a few negative or critical comments rain on your parade, though. You made the featured box, which is an awesome accomplishment I hope to brag about someday, should I ever finish any of the several stories I've started working on. Keep writing, and remember that MLP:FiM is very character driven. Good fanfics on this site tend to be the same.
Lol, Sparity people. Spike wouldn't demand the fire ruby back; you give him too little credit. Furthermore, I've never understood the purpose of these types of comments on Rarijack fics, or any Rarity-shipping stories that don't involve Spike. The two aren't in a relationship, and ultimately he's just a kid with a crush. Why his fanboys don't realize that he isn't entitled to dating Rarity baffles me.
>>1267375 His infatuation kicked off the moment he saw her and hasn't ebbed in three years, he gave up something pretty darn precious to him just to make her happy after being starved of good birthday presents up to that point, she was the only one who managed to pull him out of a mindless rampage, and despite being a child, he spends at least some of his time free from work doing chores for her. Doesn't sound like a crush to me.
He may not be “entitled” to date Rarity, but if an author wants to write a good romance fic starring her (which I enjoy), it would only make sense to have Spike's unavoidable involvement covered. Most authors seem to think his feelings are completely inconsequential, and that's what baffles me.
I may or may not have been projecting myself in the story in that passage.
Wait, what? Which passage? I see who that comment was a reply to, but I read that comment, and I still don't understand. Uh...are you a call girl?
You say "no one does," and even though I know it's an exaggeration, I still have to respond and give an example. "Green" by Steel Resolve explains Spike's feelings in a fic that isn't Sparity, though his view on the situation may be VERY different from what you might expect. It's a rather unique take.
And there is Flarity being cute. What more could you want?
Eloquently put; you make a good case for the depth of Spike's feelings versus mere infatuation. Perhaps I oversimplified the nature of the situation by saying he's "just a kid with a crush." Spike is an interesting character and I enjoy his presence for a number of reasons. He has an awesome sense of humor, struggles with being the only dragon in a society full of ponies, cultivates a masculine self-image but never at the expensive of being sensitive and generous, and somehow he tolerates Twilight Sparkle despite being relegated to servant status...so, yeah, someone award this dude a medal already. Haha.
Before I digress, though, I can't help but be a little miffed when folks think he's a stand-in for their own failures with the "mean girl" or popular kid or what have you. He's a good match for Rarity, and regardless of my own ship-preferences, I daresay that he'd be coupled with her if mushy romantic stuff were ever allowed to become canon. However...
It isn't canon, so you often have Sparity people coming onto Rarity x Somepony-other-than-Spike fics and complaining about it, which drives me up the wall. I've probably jumped to conclusions assuming you were one of them, so I apologize for that, though I don't see why you'd be personally upset by such stories (referring to your comment above, >>1267115 ).
Spike's feelings shouldn't be dismissed, but you can't blame this particular author for not mentioning it when it has little relevance to this very, very brief ~4000-word story about semi-gayngsty Rarity purchasing hookers.
...my God, was that last line weird to type.
>>1267470 Yeah, that's something that always irks me as well. I can handle it in short one-shots like this one, especially when they're as well done as this one, because while the confrontation with Spike is inevitable, it might take place later, outside the fic's time frame. What I don't get is lengthy Rarity shipping fics that don't even bother with Spike at all. That's just short-sighted - you have this established character who's in love with Rarity, and you don't even mention him in your multi-chapter epic about her finding True Love (tm)? You're practically being handed a side-plot on a silver platter. 
(Call me hypocritical, but the reverse doesn't bother me at all, probably because we've never seen conclusive proof that Rarity has the same kind of feelings for Spike - everything in the series could be interpreted as friendship gestures on her part.)
Then again, this comes from someone who's written a lengthy Spike and Rarity shipping fic (no, not with each other) and actively tried to avoid that particular pitfall. Perhaps this is just opinion myopia on my part. 
Why not? He said that he gave it to her because she liked it (while he was saving it as a big piece of candy), not because he expected her to fall in love with him if he gave it to her; plus if you think about it, if somebody asked for a present they gave you back because they expected it to make you to fall in love with them and it didn't, you probably wouldn't be very happy with them
But, I know a number of people aren't fans of the pairing usually because they are bothered by the age gap, feel he would outlive her by too long or simply have somepony else that they feel she would be better with. Personally, I don't object to their age gap (despite having objected to smaller age gaps), and I believe that Spike's species of Dragon ages at the same rate as a Pony, but I just can't see the two of them going very far beyond any point they've already reached in the show
But I have seen some stories that pair Rarity with somepony besides Spike that have handled his side of the situation well. In one example he was initially jealous and even tried to nudge them apart but gradually became more used to the idea and has begun to accept the possibility that he'll have to settle for making her happy by letting her be happy, in another he actually advised the other Pony to confess their feelings to Rarity because it was clear that the other Pony loved her and that Rarity loved them so he decided that since there was always the chance that he would have to get over his crush on her that was the best reason he could hope for, since she would be happy with them. I thought you would be glad to know that he isn't always over looked in these things
This was really good, although I came in expecting laughs.
That said, is it bad that I'm at least equally curious as to what the immediate few seconds after you cut away from the escort and Twilight was like? Because I can think of no outcome that wouldn't have made a decent fic in and of itself.
This was good, shall it be carried on?
Image: https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/9/11/9BfQLpmVcUuyyTHrReHSsw2.gifYou get this and a mustache.
Image: https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/9/11/DqfQSeAWH06cyzMf7qb3Xw2.gifAlso this.
>>1267680 There's a reason the writers wanted his Fire Ruby to be heart-shaped; it's a metaphor. If canon Rarity actively sought out somepony else for a permanent romantic partner, it would be emotional equivalent of tossing the ruby back in Spike's face (or, well, maybe just giving it back to him).
>>1267672 I'll admit Spike is the character I relate to the most and that sometimes I read Rarity shipfics mainly to see how the Spike angle is dealt with. And if it isn't addressed very well, or not at all, I usually bring it up because it's a significant issue when writing that kind of story.
And as for my lousy mood, well, it's not just fanfiction that's got me upset, it's the way too many people forget he's one of the most important characters and frequently neglect him in favor of ponies. Not a ton of people, but enough to get on my nerves, like when they had unpleasant things to say about Derpy's voice. That, and a few real-life issues.
(I'm also a little irked that the canon mane six did not give a horseapple about his mental health (he was in desperate need of sleep), physical health (he got a cold), or safety (he could have drowned) in Winter Wrap-Up. Cindy Morrow did not think that one through.)
Thanks for not sounding like a defensive turd.
I can imagine it quite clearly.
Would you like to help me with my research?
* What kind of research?
Magical.
* Sure ... wow, that's a kinky set up you have down here, Miss Sparkle. Anypony you'd like me to transform into?
Well, as a start, I've seen your Applejack transformation, so let me hook up the computers and calibrate them based on that to get a baseline on your normal magical output and how the spell reacts when you're transformed. Then we can work on the various portions of the spell ...
Oh, they'll make magic, allright
I can imagine it quite clearly.
Would you like to help me with my research?
* What kind of research?
Magical.
* Sure ... wow, that's a kinky set up you have down here, Miss Sparkle. Anypony you'd like me to transform into?
Well, as a start, I've seen your Applejack transformation, so let me hook up the computers and calibrate them based on that to get a baseline on your normal magical output and how the spell reacts when you're transformed. Then we can work on the various portions of the spell ...
Oh, they'll make magic, allright
Very nice, sweet and short but one thing that makes me go "eeeeh that's a bit weird" : how very indiscreet Sugar was. "oh yeah she's a client"... very unprofessional of her, and it might cost her present and future clients if it gets out she'll blab about who hires her services.
I really enjoyed the story, but there's one thing I have to whine complain about (there always is), it's that Applejack goes from being disgusted to confessing that she likes Rarity in next to no time at all. Even if you don't add dialogue to that exchange, you can always pad out the descriptions between sentences so it feels slower to the reader (and therefore, more realistic.)
Also, this snippet of an epilogue suddenly occurred to me just as I finished reading:
"So..." Sugar Sweet trailed off into a low whistle. "Got any plans for the evening, Librarian?"
Twilight, who had been trying to distract herself from her friend's sexual indiscretion by counting off as many digits of pi as she could remember, looked up at Sugar Sweet with a smile as she fished out a small bag of bits. "Well, it's been a very long time since I've had another pony around to keep me company, ever since my brother and I went our separate ways... It would really be nice to have someone tall and strong clean out my cobwebs, you know?"
Her brother? May thought as she picked up the bits. Kinky... She hated the old cobwebs analogy, but the shy ones always had been the most fun...
Two hours later, Sugar Sweet was cleaning quite literal cobwebs out of the library rafters while Twilight beamed.
This sucks.
Fantastic, but I have one problem. Sugar Sweet. Okay, fine she might freely admit to being a hooker, but I have a hard time believing she wouldn't know that her clients preferred discretion. She just openly tells Twilight and Applejack that Rarity regularly hires a hooker, with no hesitation, and no regret afterwards, and no "Oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you that."
Any of those would have been acceptable.
Loved it! Everything except perhaps that Applejack reciprocated Rarity's feelings. Since we learned of it as early as when she was checking out her flank, it made her disapproval seem less genuine. But I guess it would've been hard wrapping it up and having a happy ending (I would personally not have minded a non-happy one). Anyway, all in all this is the second fic written by Equ-us that I absolutely loved. Upvote and favourite, and a watch if the watch button was working
Everyone agrees then. Equ-us, start writing a short addendum with Twilight getting the most of her bits.... (Extra ending, after learning the spell and all kind of nerdy shenaningans... Sweet turns to leave when Twi asks... "Ok now, let's see your other skills
"
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
Boring story! No one was killed, nothing caught fire, and there wasn't even a single explosion! I like my romance stories full of death! Sex! Explosions! Zombies! And high-speed chases!
Image: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SsPTxVbOXtI/T2w-o3vKnqI/AAAAAAAAAh8/cII2_wm9qH4/s1600/Executive+Target+car+explosion.jpg
I'm not gonna lie, I felt pretty good about that line.
Glad you enjoyed it, I think.
Don't worry about it, I'm plenty vain enough as it is. :P
I don't know what to say about the prostitution, it's something I've seen in other pony fics, I remember reading one about AJ becoming a prostitute even, so in the every least, this fic shouldn't be singled out.
Yes, this is out of character for her. There is no in character way for any character in the FiM universe to hire a prostitute and remain in character. So I'll admit to not only writing her out of character, but writing Equestria itself wrongly as well just because of the existence of a prostitute. It was purpose, If I'd been faithful to the show, there would be no story. Does that make it okay? I have no idea.
I did use 'I', I used 'Ah' in the GDocs version but changed it when I posted it here, for the same reasons that you mention.
I'll also admit to this being rushed, not only the scene at the end, but the entire thing. I will never claim my writing is anything other than flawed.
Thank you for the criticism, sir.
Thank you, I enjoy indulging in a bit of cheesy romance every now and then myself
My quotes are getting all mixed up. I'm not used to replying to this many at once.
If any of my replies don't make any sense. Just write it off as my own incompetence.
You are correct.
Hmm? She had good reason to be.
I think 'voice of reason' is a bit of an exaggeration. But if anything, she is practical.
I thought it would be best if left up to your imagination.
I love you.
What am I looking at?
I'd like to mention that I left Spike out on purpose to not deal with his reaction. It's not a conflict I ever intended to deal with at this time.
Though, I suppose that's where the problem lies.
Indeed.
Rainbow Dash is always hilarious.
And awesome. 
No, just a unicorn who has studied transformation magic.
Agreed, she sure has a big mouth...
I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist.
Yes, I rushed the ending. Trust me, I know.
And that is hilarious. But where's Dash?
Anonymous comments currently disabled. Please register to make comments
Cancel
Send