OMG HOW DIS GET PAST-

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

FIRST! Man that feels good...

Now about the story.... WATCHING! This is kind of the story I've been looking for! A more in-depth human raising a pony-type story. Not to mention the way you've written makes it absolutely perfect for Applejack!

>>12559711255971

oh stop your making me blush!

>>12559921255992

I'm serious, I'm still playing Dolly Parton's Applejack as I'm writing this.

>>12561091256109

I think you mean "reading this" right?

When I said writing, I meant the comment.

>>12561331256133

Oh

>>12561381256138

No problem

I must say, a job well done even though I'm making this comment and I have yet to finish reading it

Very well written, much more so than I could say for my own writing abilities. Why the buck you aren't in that featured box perplexes me in several ways

>>12561901256190

The favs. They just keep coming. SHARINGAN POWERS ACTIVATE!!!

Image: http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20091119195504/naruto/images/2/21/Sasuke3.jpg

I see.........the slight possibility!

I fav and wait for complete i also watch u

Liked, fav'd and watched

The most charitable thing I can say is that this isn't worse than My Little Dashie. The protagonist isn't a creepy manchild who lives alone and fantasizes about being inside a children's cartoon, and he actually tries to take charge of the situation rather than passively let life happen to him. The theme of fatherhood is being treated with a bit more reverence, too.

I wonder, though, whether this isn't going to run into some of the same problems. Is he going to lock Applejack up in some house for fifteen years with no contact with the outside world? Socialization is a critical component of brain development in any social species, and children that aren't exposed to it grow up to be miserable wretches with a multitude of psychological disorders who can't function in society, so I hope this story isn't going to just dissolve into more cuddle-porn.

Also, I don't understand why he's so keen on keeping her a secret. The scientific community is not comprised entirely of clones of Josef Mengele. The worst thing they'd probably do to Applejack is take blood samples, and they'd be thrilled for the chance to observe the development of an alien creature. The best thing he can do is give her up.

>>12563061256306

Well, the thing I'm saying in the story is what would happen if she was exposed to the public? This is kind of a more realistic approach to "what would happen if ponies were real?" You know of the bronies and our obsession over the awesome show. And there are also, cloppers. So, what do you think would happen if those same cloppers found out that Applejack was real? This is kind of extreme, but they would stop at nothing to get their hands on her. Possibly even kill. So, how about that?

>>12563621256362

What cloppers are you talking about? I don't have any interest in clop myself, but I have met a lot of people in this fandom who do, and I can tell you that they aren't shadowy, nihilistic boogeymen who live only to rape and torture. They just have a weird fetish. It's not like there's a secret cabal of cloppers hiding in a bunker somewhere that will see Applejack on T.V. and say "Yes! The time has come! We must have sex with that creature!"

Sure, just like with anything there are those who would take it to some kind of extreme, but the idea of some sociopath kidnapping Applejack to keep her as a sex slave seems pretty farcical to me. Also, that's all the more reason to give her to someone who could protect her, rather than leaving her with a homeless 17 year old with no job.

>>12565361256536

Well, I'm just speaking in context of the character. He's just a kid, so of course he won't know what to do. That doesn't mean that he won't consider it. Maybe if the ex-girlfriend takes them in, maybe it'll work out. Or maybe not. You'll have to wait and see.

>>12565661256566

True, characters don't need to be completely rational. I'm just hoping that the complex realities of the situation aren't glossed over here, as they are in so many stories like this one.

>>12565821256582

Right. I will definitely take that into consideration.

its a great story so far xP but i find it strange that a police raid would be made public on the news (news dont care about police work until something actually happens afterwards or during if its real bad) before its actually done i can understand if it was a police scanner but news? i dont know other then that its goin good ill thumb up and keep it in my RL folder ^^

I approve of this fic!

INITIAL REACTION:

"Lessee here, now... 'Inspired by My Little Dashie?' 'The phenomenal' My Little Dashie? Oh, come on, that fanfic was garbage. If that inspired this one, then this one's gonna be shitty. Might as well read it for a laugh. Plus, Applejack."

DURING READING:

"Well, what do we have here? Seventeen, no job, and on the run. Good start. Hasn't tried to get a job. Keeping AJ away from others. Nnnnope, not creepy at all."

"Wow, news sure does travel fast. It's like they have a time traveller working for them. Never thought the Doctor would take up journalism. Wouldn't it be breaking news if they were reporting FROM THE SCENE OF THIS APPREHENSION? Like, WHILE it's happening? Which would mean it would already be too late to escape?"

"His grandmother's nickname is Granny Smith? They own a dog named Winona?" "Fucking... Christ... Come on, man, just come on. That's being too obvious."

"Hey, if you're really as tight as you say you are with your grandparents, why not just go there? You'll reveal AJ's existence to someone you broke up with because she turned into a bitch, but not to grandparents who apparently trust you implicitly? Oh, and your girlfriend's name is a very, very, VERY thin alliteration to Lauren Faust. What, is this guy's name Ted MacGurkin or some shit?"

CONCLUSION:

I understand you are trying to write a flawed character who is going to make some bad decisions.

But.

No.

This is beyond stupid, the shit he's doing. He isn't as creepy as the main character from Dashie, so you get points for that. However, it's like saying "your left kneecap won't get broken as hard as your right kneecap". It still hurts.

A lot of plot points and characters here make me groan. Baby AJ is certainly adorable, but it takes more than child-raising antics to make a story like this interesting. This is a beginning, of course, so I wanna see where you'll take this, but so far, the setup doesn't look good.

>>12586421258642

Forgive me. I thought that this story might actually be good. I hope that you'll change your mind about it in the future.

Your friend,

The Brony Writer

>>12586421258642

Lessee here, now... 'Inspired by My Little Dashie?' 'The phenomenal' My Little Dashie? Oh, come on, that fanfic was garbage.

I thought I was the only one!

....I liked this story and My Little Dashie please write more

>>12586561258656

Oh don't take it so hard. I didn't expect much from this fic, and I ain't mad about it. Heck, I didn't even mean to come off sounding cruel, but I guess I went and did anyway.

My suggestions for improvement?

1.Try being a tad more subtle in themes and character names. Nothing is as groan-inducing as naming your characters after already-established characters. You need to work some subtlety into the general themes of your work.

2. When writing a chapter, write it all in one go. Then go back after waiting maybe a day or two and read it. You'll catch nearly every mistake you made in writing style, spelling, and general plot. For example, the news team apparently having privvy info on something that hasn't happened yet. Or baby AJ already having a tiny stetson (Adorable as all get out, but it doesn't make much sense since she'll outgrow it).

3. It's obvious you were going for a character who's gonna make a lot of mistakes before he makes the one decision that saves the day. However, that doesn't mean you should make him an idiot. He gushes about his grandparents and cousins, which suggests that besides his parents, his family is pretty close. He then talks about his ex, who turned into a bitch as he remembers, then decides to put his trust in her regarding baby AJ. So... why not just have him take her to his grandparents? It's an obvious solution. He'd have help, baby AJ would be around other people, the cousins would probably spoil her to death, and so on. Everypony wins.

4. If anyone decides to give you crap regarding the story, don't get sarcastic with them. I despise it when people say "hater", since that's the kind of dismissive attitude that destroys one's creativity. It's like saying, "Stephanie Meyer doesn't need to improve, you just need to stop being picky." You need to consider the fact that your haters might have a legitamite gripe regarding your story. So instead of being that way, try to interview the hater, grill him, see what kind of conclusions you can come to and what lessons you can learn from them. You only ever improve by learning from mistakes, so make lots of them and wait till someone points it out to you. (Granted, I was being really rude to begin with. I get like that when people gush about Dashie.)

5. If you are going to write a story in the vein or genre as another story, in this case My Little Dashie, then observe what the others have done, then try to do something different with it. It's great that's what you were trying to go for, but there are still some very dumb plot elements that need the axe.

>>12640331264033

People probably don't do this often enough, but thank you. Not everyone has to like my story and I thank you for giving me tips for improvement without disliking it. That means more than you think. So Mr. Brony_Fife. Live long and may friendship prosper.

Image: http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4110/4951435999_1ef329e7c5_z.jpg

>>12640491264049

I didn't thumb it down because, as snarky and mean-spirited as I can be sometimes, I haven't given up hope on this story yet. There's a lot of potential here for something good. And like I said, it wasn't as if I was expecting much to begin with. Just keep going and try your best to fix things as best you can. It's all you can do, really.

this is  a very nice story i must demand more

>>12737781273778

Soon, my son. Soon.

Yay, Lady Antebellum!

>>13054441305444

Muchas gracias, amigo!!

Dear sweet Celestia! I just finished chapter 2, congratz on the feature by the way, and i love this! Though this does bear a little too much resmblence to the show, i am excited for the new chapter and just love this story.

Delta sig Delta! Unless you're a cheating whore! Who's name rhymes with bummer

I bet it's Summer

MOTHERFU- *transmission end* (props if you get that reference)

This. Is. AMAZING!! I like the similarity between his grandparents farm, and Applejacks farm in Mlp. I can't wait for you to post the next chapter!

>>13057361305736

Why thank you! In fact, Jack is actually my REAL grandpa's name! And he used to have a farm where he grew apples just like Sweet Apple Acres!

>>13057431305743 No way

>>13057581305758

Yeah way!!

>>13057431305743 Really? I dont have any living relatives that I know of that own any sort of farm. But I see why you would have that then, I like it. I like it when people put things from their life into a story, iits almost like reading two stories at onc, no one ask how that makes sense, as I will not answer that question.

>>13057621305762 You cant tell, but you've blown my mind man. That's awesome!

Awesome! Love it!

MOAR!

>>13057861305786 da hell has gotten into you?!?! Id half a mind do go burn m neighbors house down for that craziness that your typing fingers produced!

Must. Have. More!!!!

This story is too awesome! Other than me forgetting that the narrator had a southern accent, the story really kept my eyes glued to the screen. I can't wait to see more!

Finally moar! Now all i need is another chapter!

BOOM!

Image: http://cdn.crushable.com/files/2012/08/right-in-the-feels.gif

That picture is full of win I feel like Laurie might have accepted AJ a little too quickly, but I guess when a foal starts crying and acts like a human, you figure out it's not just a regular pony.

>>13066181306618

Truth be told, she hasn't quite excepted AJ yet.

Fucking awesom story so far

Ah, so we're given a reason as to why the Southerner (Or Ted MacGurkin or whatever the main guy's name is) wants to keep baby AJ away from others. Or rather, a possible reason. Still doesn't really explain why he'd go straight to an ex-girlfriend instead of his grandparents'. With that and the fact he doesn't seem to know when to back off when asking personal questions, I hearby declare Ted the Southerner an Idiot Hero.

OK, onto writing. You're stuffing way too much into your paragraphs. A paragraph only needs to carry one idea, then shift into the next paragraph upon carrying the next idea. Think of it as Spiderman webswinging: he goes from webline to webline in order to carry himself around New York's skyline. So, instead of stuff like...

Applejack starts to cry again. This time, I don’t know what for. Desperate, I hand Applejack to Laurie and, luckily, she takes the baby in her arms. I then rush out to the truck to try and get something to calm her down. I grab everything in there; her apple plush toy, her pacifier, everything! I burst through the door and spread it all out on the floor. I try the pacifier and it doesn’t work. I try the plush toy and it doesn’t work either. I’ve gone through pretty much everything except the applesauce that she loves so much. Of course! She’s just hungry! I think. I take Applejack out of Laurie’s arms and go over to a nearby couch. I’ve got her in a position to where she’s resting against my belly and I try spoon-feeding it to her. But, she won’t open her mouth.

...we could have it more like...

Applejack had begun to cry again, and me, in my "not quite there yet" fatherly way, left her in Laurie's arms whiel I darted outside to my truck. I grabbed all of her things (apple plushie, pacifier, everything) and dashed back inside the house.

I try the pacifier, doesn't work. Try the apple plushie, doesn't work. Laurie eyes me like I'm an idiot for not figuring out sooner that Applejack's just hungry.

As much as I try, Applejack won't let the spoon in my hand near her mouth. That's when Laurie decided to intervene.

As you can see, dividing up ideas into different paragraphs really helps the readability of your work. You can be as colorful with your descriptions and as whimsical with inner monologue as you like, but unless you know when to cut from one paragraph to the next, you're in danger of alienating potential readers with the dreaded Wall of Text. Nobrony wants to see your fanfic become Cntrl+Alt+Del.