This is my first clopfic. I got this idea from a roleplay I did on omegle and I think this turned well.

Feedback is welcome. I hope you all enjoy.

to be honest, i think you should continue this and carry on the story but its up to you

Nice beginning man

Question

Will Twilight be in part 2?

>>12546531254653>>12548231254823>>12548481254848

I'm thinking there will be and I have some ideas on where it is going to go.

>>12557811255781 Yes! Good first fic, most people who write clop for their first fic end up with it being horrible. Trust me I've been there.

>>12558281255828

Thanks, I had my first m/m roleplay a few days ago and it this idea and I just got inspiration and wrote this. I wanted the clop to be an afterthought and the storyline to be more important.

Good first clopfic

The grammar hurt me as i read, but good nevertheless.

Few grammar things a good proofreader would fix up, and it went from a reasonable kinda build to GET SOME DICK IN MY ARSE incredibly quickly. And what is with people assuming one freaking hookup means you're dating?

Still, I likes the M/M stuff, particularly r63 things.

I can only take so much grammar and spelling errors before i stop I couldn't even get past the second paragraph.

>>12591501259150

Sorry, I didn't know my grammar was that bad, I'm trying to improve.

Delicious

>>12591501259150

Image: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8f/Grammar_Nazi_Icon_Text.svg

Id really like this to be continued, it has a promising start

Yeah dude, a lot of this stuff could be cleaned up fairly easily, even without a proofreader. Here's a suggestion: after you are done typing it here, don't hit submit, but rather wait until the next day. And then, again before submitting, try reading it out loud. You'll immediately notice things that may look all right on the screen but are clearly wrong when spoken. It'll help. Good luck in future writing.

>>12592971259297 It is actually pretty bad here, not as in... "ur gon go to twn" bad, but you seem to be missing a lot of words and modes.

He was Canterlot to see his mentor, Princess Celestia. He need her advice,

Should be

He was in Canterlot to see his mentor, Princess Celestia. He needed her advice.

It goes on like that for a while, there's some comma and punctuation errors too, but I'm not too good at identifying this.

The grammar isn't atrocious, but it has a lot of really strange sentence errors here and there.

They're mostly errors that are really easy to fix if you get a proofreader.

However, if you're not able to identify these errors yourself, you might want to read up on adverbs and prepositions.

Other than that, this was a little fast in the corners, the distance between denial and sex was a bit too short, but it was still relatively enjoyable.

Keep on writing and learning!  Oh, and >>12901351290135 's tip of reading it aloud to yourself is a very good way to hear mistakes that you might miss when skimming.

Why that was an enjoyable clop.

Is it possible that English isn't your first language?

Sorry, I wanted to read this, I really did, but the grammar really took me out of it. If you like I can edit this for you, but otherwise I'll wait until you post a revised version.

I love it! I thought the grammar was fine :L

Aside from the grammar, this is pretty good for a first fic.

Please make a sequel...

Bite the pillow...

~Have a good one.

I would really like to see this relationship continued. Faved and thumbed.

MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

I may have liked to see it expanded, but it did what it did very well.

I would like to see this romance expanded; perhaps you would consider writing a non-clop expanded version (or one with clop).

I didn't spot a single grammar error. Therefore if they do exist the didn't distract me.

For Great Justice!

This is a really good story that could be so much more....*hinting a sequel*

Good job

so THIS is what aegis shield was up to before the luna thing.....

>>19845751984575

Uh different Aegis...

Well, seeing as how this has been published I see no point in editing it, but if a sequel ever does crop up I humbly offer my mediocre services as a proofreader to ensure its quality.

Good day.

>>19851981985198 LOL.... somebody was obviously unhappy about you ruining their fantasy