Twilight Sparkle finds herself in the Reaper's Game. Why is she here? And why can't she remember anything other than waking up here? Read the tale unfold as Twilight tries to find not only answers, but tries to find herself as well.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 9th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 27th, 2013
Lunat1c
Hey. I like to play games, listen to music and read stories.
Lunat1c
Joined 9th Sep, 2012 ·
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You Got Me Interested With This..... I'll Expect More From You In The Future.
Also... You Now That There Is Already A Pretty Popular TWEWY FimFiction, Right?
I Don't Want To See You Copying From That... And Yes, I'll Notice!
But I Like Your Style And Want To Know What The Hell Is Up With That Book.
See You On The Next Chapter
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Why Did You Caps Every Word?
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... I Got Used To It
It's My Trademark.
is this a reference to The World Ends With You?
Okay, well this was kind of interesting. A cool crossover idea for sure, but there's a few issues with this, in my opinion.
Most importantly, you have a lot of sentences with awkward or unclear wording. I played 'The World Ends With You' so I understand what's going on, but anyone who hasn't will be severely confused. It's very hard to understand what you're trying to say, and there isn't enough description or information.
There's also some things that don't sound right. One of the biggest pieces, that I had a problem with, is this one:
>As soon as she touched the pin, she was engulfed by something she had never felt before. It was as if a coursing river of lava had flowed from the pin, and straight through her body. Holding her head in agony, Twilight dropped the books and her mind was taken over.
Nothing grammatically incorrect, but this is not what I remember from the game. You made it sound like the standard mind-read player pin was maybe the starter fire pin. It doesn't feel like you're being burned when you use the thing. Then we get the dialogue (which comes out of nowhere for the reader), and a thought by Twilight. You should have placed >"She felt as though her mind had reached out, touching the very souls of the other ponies. Voices. They echoed in her mind, sounding exactly like the ponies in the area" and then the dialogue of voices. I didn't even know what was happening until you play the tell card >"Had I... read their minds?" Twilight said to nobody but herself. (By the way, while on on this sentence, this wasn't good wording. Should be 'Twilight said' or 'Twilight said to herself.')
Anyways, I hope I didn't make you feel too bad about your work (It's not that bad for a first story). It's just that I've made a lot of the mistakes you did when I first started, and I wanted to help you out. I think you should maybe get a pre-reader at one of the groups and continue this.
*reads first chapter* like it
*already played world ends with you* love it
World ends with you? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- SCREW SLEEPING FOR SCHOOL. MUST READ.
Wow, thanks for the comments. I was not expecting this much feedback, and much thanks for them all
It took me just about forever to get this one chapter done, but you all really have given me some much needed motivation.
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Hehe, don't worry dude. I didn't realize that there was one T_T
But now that I've seen it, my storyline should be very different =]
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Hehe, sorry about my lack of accuracy there. Tbh I was sparked into this by the port for iPhone (Which I don't have >_>) And I haven't played TWEWY for a while. Also, I believe Neku was holding his head, which is why I did a bit of that. I guess it's fanon, eh? =] I'll follow your advice, thanks :3 Also, much of the missing information is either to be filled in later, or for plot purposes. I'm running this through with a friend of mine to make sure it's not too unfriendly to those who haven't played TWEWY.
Ok, there is just one real problem here.
When doing dialogue, every time the speaker changes, you need to start a new paragraph. It's so much easier to read.
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Consider it done
So far I like the direction this story is going. So the book is the equivalent of the cellphone in TWEWY? And just a comment I thought about when reading the last chapter; Hanekoma said "Trust your partner", and judging by the lack of dialogue they don't look very trustworthy of each other. Other than that, I like it so far. Equally so to The Reaper's Game.
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Heh, scrolls will be the equivalent of the cellphone receiving missions.
The book... Well, I wouldn't need to tell you that now, would I? ((Spoilers))
And about trusting your partner, they haven't exactly heard anything about trusting your partner. Nevertheless, I'll take that into consideration
Oh wow, I thought this would just be Twilight and the OC, but seeing the Mane 6 will be pretty good (Even if with the OC there are 7 people, not enough for all of them to form a pact)
And the fee was their friendship? That's good. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Woo, Shockwave! My bread-n-butter psyche
Oops, forgot to put a part in at the end. Added it in now, not especially important atm, but a bit of mystery.
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Woot, Kanesada!
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I'm more of a Yoshimitsu kinda guy.
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Yeah, that's probably better :P
I never used shockwave much towards the end anyway
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Yeah, the 35% efficiency really hurts Shockwave. Lance Lunge and Grave Marker are way better in comparison. But I still use Shockwave anyway. Because I can.
Make this the third fanfic with a design flaw
a talking book ok strange but i let that slide
No prologue or character sheet
and the damn Conductor met with the players and takes their entry fee, you didn't have that their
And twilight doesn't fit neku, twilight is kind not a stuck up dick
another pony who never finished the game, or understood it
and you never finished the fanfic either
wondering who the reaper was if it was Uzuki Yashiro then its fine but if Koki then facehoof
meh 3/5 if finished i would have given it more but had nothing to go on but meh
Rhythm
Conductor Of RG