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Oh man here we go....
First and foremost,
Dear God man.
Learn how to capitalize.
Second....
WALLS OF TEEEEEEEXXXTT!!!!!
Dear God man, only a genius of failure can make this grammar so-
Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l79emnwiJf1qz5esqo1_500.png
And so it begins... GIVING THIS FIC A CHANCE CUZ I'M NAIVE AND STUPID LIKE THAT
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
Image: http://cdn.overclock.net/6/60/600a95ef_I-See-What-You-Did-There-Rage-Face-Meme.pngAlso, CHOO CHOO ASSHOLE.
Image: http://guyism.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/eL8eI.jpgWOOOOOOOSH
There are loads, and loads, and loads of mistakes in here. I think you should really take the advice of most of these comments. Maybe get a pre preader. People are there to help you get better. Not much I can say that everyone hasn't already. Pre readers man. Get one.
Can't read it, I tried, & I can't. Wall of text, no capitalization that I saw, and Mane/Main is spelled wrong in the synopsis/description...
No
just
no.
If you take the time and read/reply, fix the WALL OF TEXT, and capitalize, I'll try again, but I have things I need to do instead of trying to get through that, currently at least.
What the buck am i trying to even comprehend from these walls of text you call chapters? I'm sorry, but some ponies just need to know their place, and clearly writing isn't your field of expertise. 
I mean, I hate to be a dick about it, but you DESPERATELY need an editor.
Also, formatting helps TONS. 
If you've read any of Wanderer D's blog posts in the last month or so, you'll see what I mean. 
Here comes the review train! Wheeeee! 
1) Learn to use capital letters.
2) Learn to use quotation marks.
3) Learn to make paragraphs. Put extra spaces between them or use indents.
4) Don't use textspeak. Ever. Plz, sry, and omg do not belong in any writing outside of Facebook and texting.
After you've mastered those basic principles, move on to these.
5) Never put more than one speaker in the same paragraph. It's really hard to keep track of who's saying what when you do that.
6) Slow down and build the scene. Describe what's there and what's going on. While you're at it, build the characters too so we have something to relate to.
Whelp, that's it. All in all, this is an intriguing concept, but you need to work on your writing skills to execute it properly. Hope that helps! 
-EDIT- Also, don't post 195-word chapters.
it was a nice day in pony vile
First off, capitalize that 'it.' Secondly, how the hell did you get inside that pony named Vile?
wow pinkie i can't believe how good these are i never liked scones before today. said twilight yea i aint a fan before today either said applejack oh darling i must get the recipe for this said rarity, um yea i like them to said fluttershy with a soft smile, yea there the most awesome scones ever!
Wow. Just.. wow. Ok, run-on sentences. Get rid of them. All of them. Next, learn to capitalize those names. And also, capitalize those 'I's. And when ponies/people/creatures are speaking, you use quotations, "Such as this," said Axel Nyan, rubbing his forehead in awe at the amount of fail in this strange piece of fan fiction.
then spike was running up to them and when he got there he said i got a massage from the princess here you go twilight.
K, same deal as before, capitalize and all that. Also, why did the princess give Spike a massage? How could he hand her that massage, when it's something that must be experienced?
dear twilight sparkle and her friends i need you to meet me now don’t take the train twilight plz teleport you and your friends to my room asap love your mentor.
Alright, generally with letters such as this, you want to put them in italics, otherwise they blend in with the rest of the text. You also want to make it it's own paragraph. Also, please, don't destroy the English language even more by using the combination of the letters p,l and z.
And THAT, folks, is simply the first few sentences. Yea... in the words of the almighty TWE,
Choo Choo, muthahubba!
Image: http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/7/31/fd760469-96cd-47e9-8169-0df3b65016f7.jpg
Well... Scribble Stick pretty much covered everything I was going to say. Thank you, good sir.
-wooooosh!
*edit:
I just have to add this...
Nine views and eleven down thumbs?
Image: http://denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1954-Z04aP.gif>>1255946 Dear sir, I would suggest attending a few courses of English literature. This is not intended as an insult. I seriously recommend getting a few years in that subject before you attempt at public writing again. That, or at the very least have the courtesy to get some proof readers to help you with this. Also, take the advice of those harsh comments. Specifically, the ones detailing stuff that you messed up on.
THANK YOU! At least this guy is taking advantage of the amount of criticism here.
Also, >>1256470
Image: http://scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7577-pinkiepromise.gif
Incoming rape trains...
Oh wait, they're already here.
Impressions reviewing time!
There gone..... every pony i know my friends my teacher even spike is gone dead all of them discord he killed everyone but me … I got a way i know what i need to do said the unicorn as she disappeared with a sparkle.
I tried to highlight all the errors in this bit but... the whole format is fucked up. One odd error I noticed is the random double spaces. Seriously, what's up with that?
Oh god I'm going to go to the padded cell after this.
I see little to no punctuation in this piece, and it is so hard to follow I gave up after the first few sentences.
>>1256652 Exactly! And this guy accepted it. Makes him ok in my books!
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
Listen to da harsh comments, yo. They're harsh, but they're right.
For my two cents: Perhaps my one of the biggest pet-peeves I notice is the glaring 195 word "chapter" you've got there. If you've got another chapter showing them actually doing something, combine the two! If not, then DO IT! Describe the scenery, show Dash and Flutters actually training with each other. A camp? What does this "camp" look like? A buncha tents lined up in a row, a fire-pit with a pile of dung in middle, some flaming hell-hole? And a fairing ring? Whazzat?
Less than 200 word does not a chapter make. And that was bad grammar. Don't do that either.
Ye Olde Thorlol Review (First of all good job, you listened to the TWE's.
Errors
Corrections
Notes
(If only red it will most likely be capitalization)
Overall: If and when you do fix this... thing (I currently refuse to call it a story) remember that you need to MAKE A NEW PARAGRAPH EVERY TIME A NEW PERSON SPEAKS (and use quotation marks)
You had non existent capitalization and punctuation, and also random double spaces.
You used the word said so many times that... I just can't believe it.
Discord will return in one year. Can the Mane 6 defeat him when he comes back? Sorry, I may have spelled some things wrong. What happened to spell check?
There They're gone..... three dots only... every pony use only single space before next word I know my friends my teacher even spike Use commas is gone dead all of them end sentence. discord capitalize he killed everyone but me … No dots, just period I got a way away I know what i need to do said the unicorn as she disappeared with a sparkle. That was all a quotation? Where are the quotation marks?it was a nice day in pony vile One word: Ponyville. every pony was having a nice day period Twilight and her friends were having lunch at sugar cube corner Cap name having a fun time. wow pinkie cap I can't believe how good these are ! Remove space between word and exclamation mark never liked scones before today. "Quotation Marks" Said twilight cap yea I aint a fan before today either Quotations said Applejack. Oh darling I must get the recipe for this Quotations said rarity, um yea I like them to Cap and to should be too said Fluttershy with a soft smile.yea there the most awesome scones ever! said Rainbow Dash with a big smile. thanks every pony I knew they would be good but not super duper good well i did but i did not think every pony would said You're using said too many times. the pink party pony. then spike was running up to them is.. that spike? said Twilight. I wonder what he wont's wants said rainbow dash. and when he got there he said i cap and quote was fixing the book case when. WTF is that period doing there? I got a massage from the princess here you go twilight. he said thanks spike and opened the letter it read. Dear twilight sparkle and her friends i need you to meet me now don’t take the train twilight please teleport you and your friends to my room i would come down there but i am to busy love your mentor. Start new paragraph, capitalize, wow i wonder what she wants said Pinkie. no time to ask let's go every-pony.
next thing they knew they were next to the princess. sorry to rush every pony but i need to tell every pony some thing. guards leave the room please Cap and quotate ...as Don't use dots soon as they left she began. OK today I woke up to an older twilight waking me up telling me that within one year discord will be back and every pony needs to be ready for him meaning you 6 will need to train under me and my sister so when he comes you can stop him you know the drill wo wo stop this is all going to fast training what? go slow please explain said rainbow dash srooy if i went out of line, no its ok i was going kind of quick ok so when i woke up an older twilight said sorry to wake you but i am here to say i am from a year and one mouth from the future and discord had returned and in my timeline me and my friends have failed to stop him i.... i am the only one left he got everypony we were not ready for him and we failed to stop him so i come here and ask you to tell younger me and my friends what will happen and prepare them for what's to come i only hope this works then like that she was gone. It's sorry, not srooy, and cap those I's for the love of god wow thats weird said pinki Pinkie. omg Don't use OMG what did she mean by only pony left? said twilight cap well i think this sounds scary said fluttershy well if i must i will said rarity. ah think we can do this if it what she said is true said applejack. ok pony’s lets start tomorrow morning i arranged rooms for you six you may talk this over if you like ok thank you may we leave now?
yes you may i will see you all in the morning and like that she was gone every pony what are we going to do i don't know what to say looks like we will be here for a year Ponyville isn't very far. They can travel there pretty quickly so they don't have to move to Canterlot said twilight everypony it seems so said applejack oh what about our jobs? said rainbow dash i am sure the princes princesshas thought of that said rarity. pinkie said i can't wait to start. fluttershy just smiled and said yea Fluttershy would be less confident, you must have good characterization. and then went to their rooms end sentence and start new paragraph all of them had a dream of what was to come the next day What happened in the dream? Take your time to explain dash woke up very early to a pink pony asking if she could come in so rainbow dash let her in and so dash asked pink why are you here? well the party pony look looked well nervous and rainbow never saw that before are you ok pinki? what? oh yea i am fine but i wanna tell you something before things get crazy. ok go for it. well um i kinda um like you alot and i want you to be my maerfriend if you will have me?
We interrupt this review to give you, the author, a special announcement.
FORSHADOWING! HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT? Give subtle hints about Pinkie liking Rainbow early on but reveal it after. The story is paced faster then the Indy 500 for god's sake.
We now return to our regular review.
rainbow sat for a minute walked over and kissed pinki on the lips of course i will pinkie pie i have always liked you and i feel this may be the only time we will get to be happy i don't know how this will start or how it will end but what i do know is we need to enjoy the time we have now so i can only hope i will make you happy. pinki put her arms around her and said oh dashie you will always make me happy and they sat there for a very long time new paragraph the next morning everypony got up and was were asked to meet the princess in her room perido twilight noticed pinkie pie and rainbow dash very close to one another they all walked up the stars wondering what will happen once they get there she was waiting for all of them she She? The princess or Twilight? said good morning everypony i hope you slept well all 6 Spell it out. Do not use numbers for smaller numbers like that, anything under a hundred you can type out pony’s Ponies, not pony's said oh yes thank you good now i gotta tell you i am not good at this sort of thing so my sister will be here to tell you. You know what I'm going to say (luna came down from the window ) (Using brackets to narrate makes you look stupid) so my sister told me about what happened (twilight thought she saw sadness in her eyes) what happened so 1st i gotta start off by saying this will not be easy you 6 are the elements of harmony but you gotta learn to fight well not relying on them all the time for the next time you face discord it will not be so easy. he will come at full force. and not just make you separate i fear this time he will will hurt you or worse. so i will teach the unicorns to use both fighting and helpful spells that will come in use in your battle with him and i will also have the flying ones to make any type of weather when they want to and earth pony’s will learn to make the ground shake Dear lord, you're turning them into Mary Sues. and grow anything at any time and do as you say. are you ready to start all of them stopped for a minute and all said yes ma’am luna smiled and said good lets get started!
Alright. Complete rewrite needed.
WHOOSH!
>>1261119 ok ok I said I am working on it!!! Dont you think I enough? Look I not even on computer right now. As soon as I am it geting re done and proof read. By a friend and chapter 2 is not done yet. But on the other hand thanks for your help! I will use it to help me.
Well, I would normally insert an enormous doorstopper sized review of something like this, but since you're rewriting it would be a waste of time, especially considering Thorlol has mostly said what I would want to, minus the caustic ranting... just remember to use speech marks and capital letters this time, eh? And no text speak under any circumstances short of actual texting in the story. Given that this is Equestria, that would take some serious explanation... mmm... Dragons being more common in an AU leading to widespread use as messengers, causing dragons to develop a shorthand due to sore fingers? Meh, I'm out. Good luck with your rewrite.
He's talking about me. Believe me, I know what it's supposed to look like and I know with my skills I'd only bring it to (at best) the equivalent of a third draft. I only intend to bring it to that level so he can find a better editor who can do a better job. But hey, I'll do the best I can since he's willing to put in the effort.
However, I will note that he did improve with his second draft. (Albeit a relatively small amount, but it was an improvement nonetheless.) And honestly, what good is criticism if no one is willing to offer ways for the author to improve? Being told "You did it wrong, here's why." is entirely different than "You did it wrong, let me show you how it's done." (Kudos to Xif for providing the punctuation supplement) At this point, everyone is-forgive the expression-beating a dead horse with all this continued criticism, even if it is constructive. He IS trying to improve and I WILL do my best to make sure he gets there. Even if it's just finding a better editor he can work with. Point I'm trying to make here is: He's heard you; go do something else and come back when he's ready for you. (And yes, I realize the author has to put in his share too. Just give him time to do so is all I'm asking.)
That's actually what I suggested he do. And I certainly hope he isn't going to rely entirely on my input. I hope he does find other people (PROFESSIONALLY EXPERIENCED) to help him and get their input as well. All I got is what I got. And what I got is nowhere good enough for a final draft.
hay soo i really dont know what to do i re did the story sent it over to a friend still not good enough for you guys so I might tern it over to my friend/editer if he takes it or I will give it to some one who wonts it or just take it off well guess we will see it was fun well it lasted
O ye of little faith. A second draft is nothing to fret over. Granted, I assure you my revisions will not be final draft material, but it will (hopefully) be a better received presentation of what you originally intended. This is a rough patch, it happens. You fall off the metaphorical horse you get back on. And eventually, I expect you to no longer require my services as your skills will have grown exponentially. Just understand this isn't a 'one-day' process. You just have to wait and see how things turn out. For what it's worth, I'm actually in the same boat as you. My proof-reader/editor is looking over the second draft of my fic as we speak. Already I know it will require much more revision, but I want to get his feedback before I start.
In far fewer words: HANG IN THERE!
And so comes our judgement. May our feeble efforts produce good results. (Dern you Microsoft Word! Your spellcheck hath failed me!)
...Why FIM Fiction feels the need to triple-space the single space breaks is beyond me...meh; it will work for now.
EDIT: To qoute the King of The Monkey-things: "HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!"
Alright! This is a much better improvement! I'm actually going to thumb's up this and fave it. You, sir, did a marvelous job fixing up this story. I'm going to comment again tomorrow afternoon to help you fix up some mistakes I spotted reading this. Nothing too major, just some redundancies I spotted. Overall I think this is a major improvement!
Holy damn. This is SUCH an improvement.
One quick complaint, though: the spaces between paragraphs expands to a distracting degree partway through. A quick run with the backspace button should do the trick. Stupid FIMFic formatting... Maybe fix the capitalization of the story and chapter titles as well. Other than that... WOW, this is a jarring contrast. I applaud you.
Well, first of all, let me say how happy I am to hear you're making a serious effort to improve. It has definitely paid off.
Let's do a brief recap of my previous comments and see how far we've come.
1) Learn to use capital letters.Check!
2) Learn to use quotation marks.Check!
3) Learn to make paragraphs. Put extra spaces between them or use indents. Check, though now you have a bit too much space. One empty line is enough. Anything more than that starts to feel disjointed.
4) Don't use textspeak. Ever. Plz, sry, and omg do not belong in any writing outside of Facebook and texting.Check!
5) Never put more than one speaker in the same paragraph. It's really hard to keep track of who's saying what when you do that.Check!
6) Slow down and build the scene. Describe what's there and what's going on. While you're at it, build the characters too so we have something to relate to.Check, to a degree.
Overall, you have some really great improvement going on here. Also, looks like you found and editor to help. That's always a good thing. This honestly feels like an entirely new, much better story.
Well, enough reviewing my review. Let's get to the story!
1) Your opening is a bit tedious. I get that you're trying to show that everyone's there, but try and give them something else to talk about besides Pinkie's scones. You could have a couple compliments, followed by Pinkie complementing AJ's apple pie (or whatever), then Rarity could compliment that and AJ could be humble about it. Or, you know, whatever works. Giving them an actual conversation will make your opening more interesting.
2) Your pacing is a bit brisk. You've done a better job of describing the setting, but your characters could use a little more development. By that, I mean showing us how they interact with each other in a given situation. The conversation I mentioned above is a good starting point, but try to give them a chance to react to the problems.
For example, Celestia's urgent letter. Instead of teleporting to Canterlot right away, let them discuss it for a moment, and make sure the discussion brings out their personalities, thoughts, and fears (those are just ideas, not necessarily a checklist). This will help us make an emotional connection with the characters, which in turn will make us much more interested in what happens to them. You do have some of this later on, but I think you can do more with it. Keep in mind that this principle (show vs. tell) is a difficult one and takes lots of practice to master.
3) Monologues. The longer a single speaker talks without interruption, the less interesting it gets. I noticed this mostly when Celestia was explaining things. You could easily tie this into number 2. Let the characters react more to each revelation and request. Again, bring out their personalities and worries.
That's all I have for now. Like I said, this is a huge improvement. I'm actually kind of excited to see what you do next.
ALRIGHT! Since I was on my mobile yesterday when I was told to reread this, and I was half asleep as it was, I'm going to reREread this and give you some editing pointers I've pointed out!
Today, Twilight Sparkle and her friends were having lunch at Sugarcube corner; a makeshift picnic on one of the tables out front.
Today, Twilight Sparkle and her friends were having a makeshift picnic lunch on one of the tables in front of Sugarcuber Corner.
Iunno, it just seems better this way. The way you had it, although a major improvement over your previous work, now felt robotic and stiff, rather than downright horrible.
“Yeah, I wasn’t a fan before today, either!” remarked Applejack.
Get rid of the 'before today'. It's redundant. Not that A.J. said it, it just feels redundant. I feel it would flow better without it.
a pile of crumbs spewed out of Rainbow’s mouth as she spoke; due to it still being partially full with the wonderful pastry.
I don't think this needs the semi-colon ( this ';'.)
Well, okay, I did; but I didn’t think everypony would like them so much!”
Same as before, semi-colons aren't really needed unless making a list, for example;
-Something like I just pulled.
“Is that Spike?” The other mares turned and looked in the direction of Twilight’s outstretched hoof.
"Is that Spike?" Twilight asked, pointing in the direction of the oncoming dragon and pulling the other mares attention towards him.
Iunno, it just seems better the way I put it. Not to say you did bad, or your editor did bad, just that it could still stand for improvement.
“Twilight!” shouted Spike, he was quickly closing the gap, “I was making lunch when I got a message from the princess!”
"Twilight!" shouted Spike, as he ran quickly to close the gap with the mares, "I was making lunch when I got this message from the Princess!"
Again, it just feels better. IJMHHO. (It's just my honest humble opinion.)
Odd; Twilight had not been expecting a response to her latest report so soon.
“Here it is.” said Spike as he handed it to Twilight. “Ooh, can I have a scone!?”
Odd, Twilight had not been expecting a response to her latest report so soon."Here it is," said Spike as he handed it to Twilight. "Oh! Can I have a scone!?
Those are just a few of the things that I spotted that the inner grammar nazi in me wouldn't let go. Don't worry though, this is a HUGE improvement over your previous attempt. Not to be insulting, though. Hope you take this advice with a cup of water! 
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