This is amazing. The idea is brilliant and shows each character in their new live. There is no mention to this incident that caused them to split, which i love. the suspence. Well done, i'll be waiting for the next chapter

Wow... this is excellent! I love where you are going so far!

I'm so excited! It's like Discord all over again, but almost worse to a certain degree...

I have some serious troubles accepting the premise of the story.

What kind of issue could be big enough to drive all of the mane 6 (save for Fluttershy) from each other?

Especially when talking about long time friends like Fluttershy and RD?

I'll keep an eye on this one.  This fic is going somewhere good...

Wow Well just finished Hoping We'll find out what split them up, and where this is going

So will I be on watching you write as usual, this week Friday?

Some corrections (if you don't mind)--

First Line:

Either

Dear My Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle,

Or

Dear My Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle,

Not both.

Second paragraph:

the genuine sense of suspense that happens whilst the scroll is unraveled.

Ropes and knots are unraveled, a scroll would be opened or unrolled

Fourth paragraph:

I am unsure as of when this threat will arouse

arise.

Interesting concept, though. I look forward to more.>>13333361333336

The only withstanding problem

Perhaps "The only outstanding problem..."?

"Withstanding" means "bearing up under pressure." "Outstanding" means either, "special" or, "yet to be dealt with"

other places of Equestria

in Equestria

it wasn't long before poor Pinkie experienced a gigantic and undeserved mental breakdown

This could work here, but did you mean "unreserved" which is another way of saying "total"?

"Poor pinkie" indeed.

What would cause NO ONE to help when Apple Bloom ran away!?!?

!?!THIS MAKES NO SENSE!?!

Rarity never gave anypony and consideration

any consideration

which lead to her departure of

"Lead" (pronounced [led]) is the metal; I believe you mean "led" (also pronounced [led]), which is the past-tense of "lead" (the verb, pronounced [leed]).

departure from

she was insatiably happy with her life.

"Insatiably" happy? Hmm... This is a bit telling, if true. To be "insatiable" means "unable to be satisfied." Freudian slip there, Rarity dear?

Only four ponies had squeezed their way into it, not including Rainbow Dash.

Or

"Besides" Rainbow Dash, or "other than" Rainbow Dash. The way it's phrased here, it makes it sound like she didn't get in.

With those five out removed from the equation,

This, IMO, proves that RD is, as the saying goes around here, "best pony"; just as with her encounter with Discord, her loyalty appears to be unable to be taken away from her, or turned "disloyal," as you put it--it's merely bent, toward other objects or ponies than it's supposed to be directed at.  That said, what in Tartarus' anteroom buffet table is going on here?!?!  Why would the Mane 6 drift apart like this?!

>>13335461333546 He did mean undeserved...

>>13337801333780 You are incorrect with your definition and spelling of "Lead". http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Lead?s=t

So many word-choice errors... but that's not the real problem. The real problem is that everything so far has been abstract, high-level, and vague.  We have no tangible connection to the story, or to what the characters feel.

must find the main six eh:

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applejack_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Fluttershy_lolface.png

You know what would be nice?  If we knew what they fought about!!!

So Twilight found a new circle of friends.  It'd be nice to know who they were too!

Thanks to all who enjoyed this story so far! All those doubting the vagueness and mysteriousnes behind it, that is intentional and all will be revealed throughout. If I told everything now, the story wold be pretty damn short!

Thanks for all constructive criticism but Storyteller27, half of your corrections are not even corrections. The majority are incorrect and those that you are right about are just the odd typo from typing at 2 in the morning without reading what I write. Nevertheless, thanks for correcting my story and the right ones I have edited.

I've seen so much now, So much, that it's making me forget how to typref,w kn wj  w jywn............

:Author: Well, that was interesting, Funny(Bad-sense of humor I have sometimes..) how everything stockpiled on one-another and I can't bet my life on remembering what I was about to say....but try to reread it, it really does look good and all, but something seems off........ (Don't really know if you really need to reread it, my mind been dead from little sleep, but Liked it overall!)

>>18748161874816 Something probably is off, I was writing very late and I fell into something of a trance where I had little too no control over what In was typing. (Hence the far from extensive range of vocabulary)

Ok, thanks for the poiner, I'l re-read it tonight and see what I can do.

STOP THANKING ME FOR THINGS! I'M NOT THAT COOL!

Also, promotion for my group? You're being too kind...

Okay. I'm going to do a review over this, because I want to, and I really want you to improve, because you remind me of me, and that's either a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. Overall, there's nothing bad about this. BELIEVE ME ON THAT. However, for future consideration, I'm offering some advice. HOLD ON TO YOUR CHAIR AND GLUE YOUR EYEBALLS TO MY WORDS.

First off, let's talk about this chapter here. I expected you to show us a steady decline in the relationship between the mane six. But you showed us an all-out brawl, and that is how they all broke up and came to be. I think you should have drug this out. There needs to be more chapters of several problems coming to the surface between the lot of them, perhaps individual problems as well, UNTIL this all out brawl occurs. This decline should happen over YEARS of time.

Secondly, I don't like Dashie's reaction. She wouldn't run in screaming to her friends about AJ liking the same gender. Even if Dash doesn't like fillyfoolers, she does like her friends, and she isn't that hotheaded. Plus, it completely disregards her element of loyalty. Also, the swearing. I'm going to say the same thing I tell everybody, it is unnecessary, and especially in this case, out of place. Actually, swearing is not unnecessary. But in a fic like this, it is.

I just feel as though you rushed this... which is not so good. DO NOT EVER DO THAT. Take your time. Always. ALWAYS.

Now, some errors I would like to point out 'n stuff.

they overrun us! How d'ya explain that?" Applejack queried provocatively,

Overran us. Also, provocatively carries a different meaning here. There's a difference between provocation and being provocative. I think you were looking for "provokingly."

The effort input in question was Pinkie's desperate attempts to remain at least fairly calm.

I'd rephrase this. Perhaps "the amount of effort put in (or exerted) were Pinkie's...". The word "input" doesn't really work here.

You do like to change tenses

On the other hand, Applejack continued to be aware. Although her element was honesty, some things just require to be kept under wraps or havoc will be wreaked.

First off, hoof. LOLZ. Secondly, you use "continued", past tense, the sentence before. Then you use past, and then switch to both present and future in the next sentence. Impressive. "some things were required to be kept under wraps else havoc be wreaked."

equines had gone they're own separate ways

Their, they're, there problem. They're "They Are". There there, it's okay. Easy fix! HA! I'M FUNNY!

There are other issues that I'm sure if you read back through you would catch. I thoroughly run through everything I write before I post, just so I don't have people telling me this stuff. Also, you could get an editor... they're very nice. I have one. He doesn't let me do stupid stuff, which is nice.

One last thing, and this is more nitpicky. You overuse exclamation marks. NO NEED. Just tell us the story! < bad example

Okay. That's over. Happy news.

You have excellent moments. Such as-

It was quarter-past six in the evening when the final barrage of knocks graced SugarCube Corner. With a spring in her step and a stimulated bounce, Pinkie bounded her way over to the door: it was the final guest for the party! Now the roster was complete!

I like this para. The use of exclamations could be avoided, like I said before, but I like this para. Remember to BE CONSISTENT. Just go "it was the final guest for the party. The roster was now complete.". The reason I say this is because you make the narrator sound like he/she is very excited, which is weird. Still, good paragraph! Good sentences!

You have talent. You have talent that simply needs to be worked on and refined, so that you don't write down silly mistakes and rush through things. I know ALL ABOUT THAT. Trust me.

Lastly, I do NOT want you to be discouraged. Don't go "oh, well Church didn't like it, so meh". That is NOT TRUE. I like this idea a lot. It needs to be worked on. You have talent. It needs to be worked on. It is the same case with EVERYBODY HERE. You need to keep writing. That is the only way to improve. And if you're stopping because of my stupid whining then I will personally jump through this computer screen and SLAP YOU SILLY . ARE YOU SICK OF MY CAPS LOCK YET?

Seriously. Keep writing. There's a reason I watched you, duh. Soon you won't need to come asking me for help, 'cuz I'm no real help anyway.

I'll leave now, as I have overstayed my welcome.

- Church

>>18940271894027 Jesus, could you write any more?

Well, I know this is far from stellar. I really should take this chapter down and re-do it because I made a massive mess with it and wasn't thinking whilst I wrote it. Tenses change, words don't make sense and things get misspelt. On the subject of Editors, I do not want an Editor: I believe I can edit just fine myself.

I wasn't happy with what I had written back when I did write it, let alone now.

It is full to the brim with silly mistakes, yes, but I have already remedied this problem. I believe the work I did on my last chapter of 'Fluttershy Plays Tetris' shows the improvements I've made.

I didn't read this chapter before I posted it. I was tired, it was 7am, and I hadn't slept. If I had of read through the story then I would have noticed the errors and have been able to correct them myself.

That being said, however, I do much appreciate your honest criticism and review. I also thank you for motivating me to actually take this chapter down and edit it.

>>18941031894103 I do realize that you were tired. Sometimes we get in those moods where we just want to soldier on and we say, "well, this is good!" and then we post and go back and say "oh man, what have I done..."

Case and point on the last story I posted and then promptly deleted.

I see about the editor. Honestly, I, too, think I can edit my stories just fine. But they're still nice to have, just for anything.

I just thought I'd put my two cents in on this.

- Church