During a mishap in a magic lesson, Sweetie Belle somehow manages to bring a brony and two pegasisters into Equestria, but as their OC's. There, they are met by the Mane Six.
My first story, don't judge. Or do, I guess.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 6th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 22nd, 2015
Drwhooves-bestpony
I like... no sorry LOVE Doctor Who, MLP, Harry Potter and Horrible Histories. That's about it. Oh yeah, I live in Australia.
Drwhooves-bestpony
Joined 6th Jul, 2012 ·
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Not bad for a first story. The spelling and grammar is good.
Try to avoid the "wall of text" Add some indent to the paragraphs.
I'll hang around for a while and see where this goes.
This isn't bad so far. Like totallynotabrony said, you could definitely stand to indent your paragraphs, or at least put a line of empty space between them. You have a new paragraph for each speaker, which is something that a lot of new authors don't do, so that's good. In fact, you're a lot better than a lot of new authors;I couldn't find any issues with your spelling or grammar.
As for the story itself, it's not too bad so far, but your OCs haven't actually shown up yet, so it's too early to determine whether you're going to fall into the pitfalls that many Human in Equestria stories fall into. I do like the originality of having Sweetie Belle be the one who brings them into Equestria - a lot of fics have it be Twilight messing up a spell, or just some unexplained occurence, and those are getting really old. The dialogue was pretty good, some of it made me laugh.
This gets a thumbs up from me, but I don't think I'll be following it. Don't take offense, Human in Equestria just isn't my thing.
This has potential, you seem to be a pretty good writer, but like Erica and Totallynotabrony said, formatting's a bit of an issue. The wall of text thing does get annoying to read. Separate out and indent the paragraphs.
Well, if anything, this looks promising. You seem to have pretty good grammar and punctuation; that's something I always look out for in fanfics. You portrayed the Cutie Mark Crusaders' personalities quite well, though I would have liked to see a little bit of Spike. If you have the time, longer chapters (2,500 words+) would be appreciated. I'll give this a thumbs up to help you along, and if it grabs me in the coming chapters, I might favourite it as well. A word of advice - be careful not to make it a cliché. Be original and creative. This has potential if you can do it right. Know that fact.
another human story?
*after reading...*
THIS
IS
SO
Not bad I enjoy it, got a few chuckles from some of the antics and descriptions, time to see were this goes. I will not restate what everyone else has so that is all I have to say.
1268971
I concur.
Twilight is a common choice because she's sort of known for trying new (or very old...) and unheard of magic and magical experimentation, and occasional misuse of magic. Oh and she is the canon element of magic. That along with the existing fanfics make her an obvious choice for being the cause of seemingly impossible magic and magical mistakes. Maybe it's overdone, but it's understandable.
Conversations don't have to be done in a one line per thing that was said style.. If you want to make them paragraphs, though, some filler details about what the characters are feeling or doing at the moment helps to give the reader a better sense of what's going on. It can also reinforce our understanding of the characters behavior, reactions in certain contexts. Grammar and spelling is pretty good, don't slack off or else.
You might try smoothing the flow of that last sentence or maybe expand it into two sentences.
Your writing is pretty good, still I think you should spend more writing leading up to the initial plot point though. It seems thrown in suddenly, granted that the Cutie Mark Crusaders have never been much for patience. It would make a lot more sense though for Sweetie Belle to try a complicated spell to impress them than just because. Also, having some practiced skill with magic would give her the confidence to try it, believing that it might be successful. Basically, I would say to let the magic lessons and "learning" about humans go on for a chapter or three, to sort of consolidate the idea. That would even give you a chance to use Lyra more, or even have the CMC bug Lyra about these "humans".
Continuing on the line of suggestions, I think they really probably ought to have read all or part of those books so they know what humans are and maybe be curious to see a real one before they try finding/bringing one into Equestria. Making it a part of the spell that they didn't do (i.e. longer, more complicated spell?) that caused the humans to arrive as ponies rather than their normal forms (i.e. spell intended to correctly transfer species...) could be interesting as a justification. Probably wouldn't bother the humans, since the whole thing would definitely be a new experience for them. Could be used to reflect the CMCs lack of attention to detail/complete success if you want to hold onto some of the canon. It would be just like them to "borrow" one of Twilight's books on magic from her. It would even possibly make a useful lead-in for having Twilight find out what they've done -- since of course she'd eventually notice the absence of the book, or it being in the CMCs clubhouse. I doubt Twilight could miss that kind of magical disturbance especially if was done in her own home. In any case a spontaneous burst of magic would probably do more than just shoot off into the sky, it'd probably make a mess of the library or their clubhouse whichever is a better place for this to happen.
As an aside, as intentional magic, this is a spell Twilight would likely have trouble pulling off. If you're okay with that great, but you could work in using some kind of magic infused gemstones (surely Rarity has something like that, would explain her ability to get so much work done) and/or accidentally piggybacking a spell that Twilight or Rarity was attempting. Or even throw in some nonsense about magical buildup related to the weather. Just saying you should consider a larger range of reasons why it worked.
Sorry for the wall of text, just had some ideas to share. In short, potentially interesting story. Hope to see more.
Oh, and best of luck.
Wow, people are really liking this story. I have an idea for chapter two where I'll introduce the humans, but I've pretty much got writer's block. I am liking these ideas I'm getting, and could use them. Right now, anything could happen. Not Romance or anything sad though, that's not my area.
1270509 you might want to put spaces and not have a wall of text with no white click enter twice and then write some more words
By the way, I'm a little under a rock when it comes to the other HiE stuff. i try to read them, but I'm new, you see. What are these 'pitfalls'? Just so I can avoid them.
1273710 if they become black and red alicorns there is a pitfall, if one of the mane six falls in love with them instantly, if they become so op they are untouchable, or they join the cmc. Those are usually the indications of a Mary sue story. again wall of text will turn people away, try putting more description paragraphs into the story to help immerse the reader. but so far i like the idea were it is not Twilight that summons the humans.
1276578
Romance is out of the question, and I'm definitely not making any Mary Sues. No CMC joining, no black and red alicorns. Don't worry.
1277982 people hate walls of text moslt because a story with walls of text is a trollfic
1269581
Thank you. I'm flattered.
1276578
I'm still not completely sure what these 'black and red alicorn' things are. What does it mean?
1314436 in most horrible HIE the main character becomes a red and black alicorn (i.e. same type as Luna) although there are some good ones out there they are few and far between.
1315126
Got it. Thanks. Also, I know what an alicorn is. Just saying.
1315179 when you said "What does it mean" i thought you were referring to the word alicorn which can also mean the stuff that unicorn horns are made of
1315192
Well, that makes a lot more sense. I learned of the horn's substance from a particular YouTube video called 'The Parts of a Pony'.
You guys are pressuring me. Maybe I should write something on my iPod and just end up with a really short chapter with lots of mistakes. Unless, you want to wait a while. I'll be back from India in four days. I'll force myself to start typing when I get back.
Okay, guys, new chapter's up. I was really tired when I wrote this, and I mainly wrote it on my iPod, so tell me if there's any errors. And I'd really suggest that Leroy and Caitlin don't read this story unless they want to hate me for life. Oh, and another point, I don't want any rude words in the comments. Please.
Any ideas for the main plot would be appreciated. I have Writer's Block.
And I know this chapter is short, but this is my first story, and I would like to do longer chapters. Any tips would be helpful.
Also, I'd like to add that while the cover picture begs to differ, Catherine's OC does have a ponytail.
(hehe, ponytail)
1373668
ATTACK OF THE PICK MENACE!
lol jk pinkie's awesome
THe best of any new people who enter equestria in a fic: Meeting Pinkie
What would be the Pinky sense for three new ponies showing up?
1373529 you want some help with that writers block? Throw me a PM and I will gladly help you with anything you want
On a related note, I like this story. I the concept is well used yes but it is what you fill it with that matters and I see potential in your writing (the force is strong in this one)
Ah, new chapter at last. I'll be useless at helping you out, but one suggestion would be longer chapters.
Oh, wait, I just repeated what you said. My bad.
If it was me when I notice Pinkie I would be like "NOOOOOOOOO MOTHER BUCKER WHY DOES THIS PLACE HATE ME" because i would have to explain to why i was there blah blah blah and the entire time i would
Who's ell?
A fourth brony/Pegasister caught in the spell?
Parent?
-Shadow F.
hm???
1548916
The first guess was half right. She wanted a part in the story.
1549168
Cool, looks like it'll be intense.
How they'll make a cover-story for this, i can only wonder.
Look forward to next update.
-Shadow Flare
Hmm I noticed some minor grammar errors but other wise nothing too bad
...Hm. I'm not sure what to say.
Oh, by the way, I guess my timing is what happens when you only check some stories every once in a while.
lol
I actually like this
, but when is the author going to make a new chapter?
1549168 I actually like this, but when you going to make a new chapter? Where are my manners, I'm new to Fimfiction.
2857967 Sorry, I've been meaning to put this on hiatus for ages. I've been distracted with real life and a bunch of other fanfictions, so, I'm not entirely sure how this is going to go. I'll have to see how this goes.
3024560 Fair enough.
Your portrayal of the cmc is... Perfect. You perfectly illustrated their utter imaptience by having them say that they can't wait for Rainbow Dash to get back the next day to get them their Cutie Marks, they want them NOW.
Aww... I like this story... Don't like hiatus...