So, first shipfic in a long while (Roughly a year now). I hope you enjoy it, and don't forget to point out any criticism or errors you may find! Since this has been my first work in many months, some areas are probably rusty.

Poor Rarity. She's fighting with herself.

I like the internal conflict, always have, always will. It's a good start, by chance could you tell me how often you think an update will take?

I hope updates come soon! I love this story, please say it is going to be updated fairly regularly? (Like, at least every two weeks?)

It's nice to see a great Rarilight fic pop-up. You're off to a great start and I can't wait for the next chapter.

Hmm, well, besides this next chapter coming up, I think consistent updates will be easy enough. Let's say, seven to ten days?

For this next one however, it will be a bit difficult. I have school starting soon (AKA in 11 hours), so that will be a bit of a drag until I can get my bearings. Besides that I just have to wrap up a few album submissions and then I should be good!

All I'm saying is, is that Chapter 2 may be cutting it a bit close to the two week mark. We'll see.

beating around the bush, a tactic used by many people, myself included. She's seeking approval from everyone, as weird as that sounds its exactly why she cannot force herself to go beyond those 'rules' set by herself, but the beating of said bushes gets things through (usually) allowing others to figure out what they are really thinking.

And I sound like a psychologist...

This story intrigues me, keep going, I want to see where you take this.

Following.

This intrigues me. I've never read a Rarilight fic before and I think this is pretty nice start so far.

Well that began interestingly enough. Spin the bottle I really liked Rarity's reaction and descriptions for kissing RD

I want to see more of Rarity fighting with maintaining her high standards and her love for Twilight. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Cute and good but is there no continuation? it deserves a more happy ending, but its still good.

Hm, I never really put much thought into Rarilight before. But you got me thinking it just might work. Keep it up my good sir.

>>12235321223532

it says incomplete.

>>12237941223794

Oh didnt notice thanks for the reminder.

Cannot wait to read! I'm a huge fan of Rarilight stories. ( I'm upploading this comment from my iPod )

Also, I love the idea about music mixed with story. University Days and Two's Company both have this kind of idea going.

How very intriguing.

A good start with a lot of potential.  I'll be watching.

Write on!

Intriguing, Rarity is now exhibiting traits that are just so, Rarity, and so, everypony in general, we all need the approval of others before our subconscious mind will allow us to preform what ever it is we want to do. You have done a magnificent job capturing this aspect, please continue this, I love it.

Yay for consecutive free-nights! Thank god I got a break, or else this chapter would have not been finished for a week.

As the story evolves, so does my subconscious view on writing it. I'm sorry if you notice the "feel" of the story is changing a little too quickly, but I'm still trying to mold the correct palette of emotions for this story. Not all the foreseeable events have been planned out, but I'm making my way through them, and as I do, I have to occasionally make adjustments so I can compliment further events.

Enjoy!

And then a Cliffhanger

Well besides the Cliffhanger (i hate thoose), it was a very good chapter.

Ahhhh. You think the Cliffhanger is your ally? I was born in it. Molded by it. I didn't see any ending until I was a man. By then it was only disappointing.

>>12422471242247

I don't blame you! But, from my perspective, it was the best way to end the chapter without divulging so much info that the next chapter would be lopsided. (If I went any further, it would have interrupted the flow for chapter 3).

CUTE! cant wait for the rest!

Cliff hangers are the only way to end chapters. :P I like how this is going.

The bomb has been dropped. Now for the glorious explosion that cascades into the next chapters.

Image: https://encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTXBnWT_2GTgr-sbdyguoVg16FW6GCIZQWzHIUyWNSLTmMKl3M3

Gosh darn Cliffhangers.

chocolate-covered strawberries... kinky

Damn, that took some doing.... If I'm reading Fluttershy right, I'm betting she already had something of an inkling of exactly what Rarity was building up to. I can't really see her finding it a bad thing, but then I might be reading her wrong.

Regardless, an excellent chapter.

>>12433751243375

You bet it's kinky, because it's a foreshadowing device for all the borderline clop I have coming up (that was a joke).

Excellent, your writing style is great, however the cliffhanger is a real killjoy, but this is still great. Keep writing!

>>12422771242277

i know that cliffhangers are popular, and most of the time necessary.

Still doesn't mean i have to like them

Dat cliff

Raritwi, Twirity, or whatever it's called has always been one of my favorite ships, and I LOVE the way that this fic is done. Cannot wait for the next chapter! Please finish soon, that cliff hanger is WAY worse than anything I've done.

I'm working on it! I just have to wrap up some music work and some school-related writing before I can pound out the final 2,000 words or so. Expect something by mid-week.

Cliche ending is cliche.

To be honest, this chapter was a little choppy because I originally had a lot more words in it (~5,500), but I ended up taking out a lot of "fluff" because it was all rather useless and cumbersome.

It's also a brick of dialogue, but that's to compensate for the next chapter. Sorry if it bores you.

Well, at least Rarity knows she's got a foothold with Twilight.

>>13201701320170

That's certainly better than the cliche hooking up while drunk.

also, charity, heh

Well done, Rarity. That was the honourable thing to do.

Haven't even read it. Can already tell that it's a Rarity x Twilight ship fic. Starts thinking. Fuck, what if Spike finds them making out? Most awkward tailboner ever.

amazing will fav

Thumbs up and favorited.  The tension and inner dialogue is just right. I wonder if Rarity realizes that Twilight essentially is that little piece of Royalty she always dreamed of? Bearer of the Element of Magic, personal pupil of Celestia, saved Equestria more than once, sister to Canterlot's Captain of the Guard, sister in law to Princess Cadance (which technically makes Shining Armor a Prince as well)...

>>13217091321709

Shush don't think too deeply into this because your guesses are cutting it close! xD

>>13204351320435

Woo hoo! I'm glad someone caught that.

Halcyon441, eh? I See what you did thar.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png

Cliches get that way because they are used.  They are used because, when not abused, they are very effective and pleasing.

So!  Nothing wrong with a cliche ending when used right.  You used it right.

Plus, it was sweet.

I am very much liking this story.  Especially much with how much it's focusing on Rarity's perceptions and emotions, and rendering them understandable even in this unusual situation.  Bear in mind, I don't really identify with Rarity at all- but I do have a lot of respect for her as a character.  Kind of like Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy, I just don't have a grip on how she thinks, but I can see that she's portrayed as a whole person and while I can't necessarily say why something is or is not consistent with her character, I can identify it as consistent or not.  This whole story is very consistent with its characters, and I appreciate that a lot.

Also the emotions, because they're there and they're pleasing, but they're not so heavy-handed as to come off all syrupy.

In short- well done, good use of cliche prevents tiredness of cliche, like the story, write on!  

The only error I found in this story was this little segment in chapter 1.

Twilight's face eased up with a giggle. “Oh, I guess your right, Rarity.”

That should be "You're."

Other than that, I think it's great so far Rarity's self-doubt is really well portrayed; being so set on appearances can be quite the effective flaw when writing fics like this.

Oh, and you wrote Rennaisance of the Moon too, didn't you? I do believe you're in for a Watch

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_smile.png

>>13232811323281

Leaving little fun tidbits throughout the story is something I love to do. Expect more!

>>13233621323362

Thanks! Trying to keep the characterization consistent with what's canon is one of my biggest worries.

>>13240391324039

Oh, yep, that's my bad! And yeah, Renaissance of the Moon was my first ponyfic (Such a long time ago).

You tease!

And the second I read Charity, I knew you did that on purpose.

Methinks this would be appropriate.

awesome story is awesome! just wanted to let you know keep it up!

>>13483321348332

Thanks! I'm about 65 - 70% done with the next chapter, so if not tomorrow, then over the weekend the next one will pop up!

EDIT: Errmm, scratch that. Some stuff has popped up that I have to deal with.

>>13497411349741 Hope it's nothing serious. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Very well-written, but I just can't enjoy a Rarity shipfic where she falls in love without stopping to consider Spike's feelings first. Toss in a little backstory of how he's no longer infatuated with her, THEN move on with the romance. Otherwise Rarity just come across as cold and careless, despite any interactions with the recipient of her affection. Especially when that recipient is basically Spike older freaking sister. Kinda bothersome that Fluttershy doesn't seem to care either.

>>13860471386047

I know, I had considered this when I first started. But given the true point of the story, Rarity's fight with her inner-self (and not a straight-up ship), I decided to put the whole "Spike situation" on the back-burner. I will bring it up, of course, but as far as you know at the moment, no one besides Fluttershy is expecting any romance. Therefore, if it isn't broken at the moment, why fix it? At this point it'd seem rather irrelevant and distracting from the current foci in the plot.

You are right that Fluttershy doesn't seem to care, but these characters are fallible and the pegasus has only known for a little more than a day now. How often do you instantly know all the different variables to a single problem? Sometimes we just forget. Once again, the story isn't pure shipping (If you think this is pure shipping, go check out my other story "Renaissance of the Moon," because if that isn't, I don't know what is.), so using this excuse frees me up to write more about the other aspects of the story.

I do appreciate the feedback, I just wanted explain what's going on.

>>13843871384387

Thanks! It wasn't too serious (just a rough patch of testing I had to get through), so by tomorrow night I'll resume work.

Alright, new chapter! It's a little longer, but I ended up adding in some extra bits last second. Plus, making a good quarter to a third of the chapter a big metaphor was kinda fun.

As always, feedback, criticism, and any editing error finds are always appreciated!

hey look! A lot of italics

Reading that much text in italics makes my head spin a little.

Regardless, this was pretty darn good.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

Yes, why is nearly the entire thing in italics? Also, I felt that Fluttershy was very OOC in this chapter, behaving more like Rarity would than like Fluttershy would. Still, I enjoyed it.

Definitely missing an ending italics tag (it's even spilling into the comments), but I like the way this is going.  Keep up the good work.

Ooh, what a lovely chapte- Oh crap, italics.

I'm hoping it was all a mistake, but if it was on purpose I just want you to know that reading something that's in all italics is Just. Plain. Annoying. What I did manage to wrestle from the lean, mean, leaning Italian monstrosity was quite good, but I may need to read it again without italics to get a better feel for it.

Oh dear.... Wow, that was a big mistake on my part. That's what I get for not looking over the entire chapter when I published the chapter.

Sorry for putting you all through this! (I really love my italics, but not that much! xD)

Ooooo. Juicy

this is good and either Rarity is going to have a mental breakdown or shit is going to hit the fan when Twilight has that converstion with Aj and Pinkie, or maybe both at same time, either way this is going to get good

Such strong, emotional upheavals. And it's only the second chapter

So much for me not being able to wait for the next chapter. I'm running behind on readings.

This chapter feels to much like it's railroading the story for me to really get immersed... pity...

It was a pretty nice story up till now, but this just.... ugh.

Dat ending great know i have to wait to read the rest

Why do all romance stories have Pinkie Pie in them?

To be honest It gets a bit annoying.

Anyways, another great chapter.

>>14115511411551

Hmm. Well I did start 60 - 70% of this then finished it a week later, but honestly it was all made to plan. Sorry it's derailing your immersion, but it's part of the story. If its more of how I wrote it rather than plot development then let me know where and ill try my best to work on it.

>>14132721413272

Oh she's just a secondary character. I could have used RBD also, but her being bi is too cliche at this point.

>>14133741413374

What bothers me is that for one, her friends immediately think the worst of her, Pinkie makes up a new rule on the spot and getting into a fight over whether or not they can change her (while she's present no less)

The whole chapter just feels like you're pushing them together through artificial, arbitrary events rather than making it seem natural.

Fluttershy- “Nice! What did you do?”   Sounds a bit unlike Fluttershy to me.

I think the jump between scenes bothers me in this chapter. The scenes just cut right after a character says something and it doesn't feel like they're completing a thought. Most the time it's like their statements just hang there. Maybe there's not enough build up to the character's resolution for their quote to finish the idea of the scene, or just that there's not much closure in how it ends.

>>14141491414149

Everyone has differing life experiences and thoughts based on them, commonly causing conflicts over issues even the closest of friends or lovers wouldn't believe they'd fight over. Beliefs, especially those conjured as a means of escaping personal responsibility, are usually the most aggressively defended.

So frankly, there's no real issue with how the girls reacted beyond personal distaste and the /belief/ that close friends should be immediately more understanding.

That said, holy shit they're going to go talk to Twilight... AJ afraid of liking mares, Pinkie for it... and they'll both let on that Rarity told them. /clears throat/ DRAMABOMB INCOMING.

Good story it did have a bit of italics overused but there are other ways to let people know its an internal sentence.

>>14160771416077

Whoops! Nice catch on the OOC Flutters.

On the second point, I know what you mean, and I think that comes from the fact I generally write 50% more than what's in each chapter, and then cut out what's just "fluff". Like, do you really want to watch as Rarity finishes a dress or walks over to Sugarcube Corner? But on further review, I do believe you have a point, perhaps I've been using my story-scalpel a bit too much. Thanks for the feedback, I'll try to work on that this next chapter!

>>14141491414149

Perhaps, perhaps. But, isn't that just like Pinkie Pie to be spontaneous and random? There's even canon lines about her being as such ("Pinkie Pie, you are so random!").

For an explanation of why it seems so hectic, I'm just trying to get at a deeper level of each character that we can't see in the show due its nature. I'm going for more realistic (in the human sense) interactions between characters and because it's not in the show I have to take risks on what they might act like. It's an author's interpretation that I understand not everyone will agree with. Why? Well, my first ships were pretty much using vanilla characters, not much built on them. They felt kinda dry, overused and boring to work with, like using kashi-bar personalities. Also, I've tired of writing the "Mary Sue's" of shipping where everything more or less goes to plan. This is a much more chaotic and therefore choppy, stop-n-go version of shipping I'm still getting used to writing. I'm still learning how to correctly balance it all, which is why I love your feedback.

You're right, perhaps the transitioning could be better (as I explained above), and I'll definitely work on that. However, these somewhat arbitrary (I'll admit they can seem like that) events are meant for a reason. I'm sorry they don't progress as naturally as you'd like them to, and I knew some people would have qualms with that, but these scenes needed to be presented now so I can use them in the next chapter and later on.

It might be that I love using internal metaphors and symbolism too much :/. It might just skew the scenes just enough to make it seem artificial to you (hence why you didn't enjoy the last scene).

>>14171661417166

There's never such a thing as too much italics (I take that back, for the unfortunate ones who read this chapter before I realized the formatting error).  Honestly, it's just the way I denote it. Usually my stories don't have that much, but this piece of fiction has a lot of internal debate in it, so it really can't be helped.

>>14169841416984

Shhh... $10 to keep quiet? xD

>>14201571420157

Hay man, ten bucks works for me. o/

More.........

Great work, can't wait to see what happens next! Though after four chapters of rarity's POV, I'm just dying to see what going on in twilight's head.

I don't know what exactly to feel about this one, so much stuff going on. I felt it was time to move the story onward, so I hope I did it right. If you do find something wrong or funky, let me know. I'll be happy to fix or explain it.

Do go on.

Did Twilight just send Rarity home in the rain? She didn't seem to mind but still, kinda rude aint it?

Siiiinging in the raaaaain, I'm siiiiinging in the raaaaain, what a glooooorious feeeeeling, I'm haaaaaappy again....

Nice chapter, really enjoying this one thus far. Haven't spotted any significant errors here, and am looking forward to seeing where this one goes. Keep it up!

D'aww, this chapter was just the definition of adorable! I loved reading it and almost can't wait for more!!

Excellent work, just like your other chapters!

>>14809811480981

so true

wow this is going places, i love it i only ask for more updates, if thats not to much to ask

I think you did do it right I wasn't expecting that outcome at the end; felt pretty overjoyed that it did. Couldn't have been more picturesque to a wonderful night.

How can one other living being who drives me simply insane and yet also makes me inexplicably happy all at the same time?”

This seemed a bit odd. I understand it but I think it needs to be rephrased.

Oh how I hope things soon come to light with Rarity's emotions, yet.....how I do not since once they are shown the story will start to go toward the end. *conflicted on wanting to have this drag out or see the wonderful and cute couple action soon.*

I agree with bubbleberry with sending Rarity home through the rain being a little rude xD

Besides that it was pretty cute.

My suggestion is letting Rarity stay until it is dry or letting Twilight giving her an umbrella or something like that.

*grabs the popcorn* Dat sexual tension.

>>14813341481334

I know your pain. I was originally going to have this chapter actually span two, but then I realized I couldn't have these two dance around each other for so long.

>>14813831481383

I'll be completely honest, I never realized how rude that scene could be taken as. I kinda maybe got too focused on using the rain from Rarity's perspective that I forgot about Twilight.

Besides, she's already soaking wet. I guess by then a kiss is better than an umbrella?

>>14812301481230

Nice catch, I agree with you. It does sound a little... Weird. Fix'd.

>>14816041481604

Ok you do have a point there :P

Do want more~

Part Way through: So spikes at Canterlot...somethings going to happen that's for sure.

Finished: Im liking the way this story is going

Oh, this is wonderful! I loved the addition of the character 'Antonio,' it really added some humor into the mix.

Although I have to agree with some of the other comments as to it being kinda rude to send Rarity home in the rain... But it's not that big of a deal.

It was really good overall, and I can't wait to see the next chapter!

Gotta agree with the majority on the 'sending Rarity home in the rain issue', but aside from that it was very sweet.

I read the end as Twilight being a bit flustered by the awkwardly silent "and then they kissed" moment and so fled inside without really registering that she was shutting Rarity out in the rain.  I doubt she even remembered it was raining until she came down from the high of giving Rarity a peck on the cheek.

Regardless, cute stuff!

Oh, she's siiinnnnginng in the raiiin! She's siinging in the rain! Oh what a feeling it is to be singing in the rain!

Bayard poured his eyes over the gift.

pored

“Okay?”

Probably meant a period here.

“That doesn't seem like a ta drink.”

missing a word

A pony like Twi' prolly never had a touch of alcohol before, and new drinkers tend ta go quick-like.

'Prolly' seems British to me if anything.

Pinkie, ah brought over a wagon-full of apples from the winter store for ya, jus' like ya asked.

I'd really like to discourage you from using eye-dialect like 'ah', 'mah', 'jus'', etc., mainly because it never flows well -- it's always clumsy and distracting. Also because it's used for dialects that the author finds silly-sounding or uneducated, so it's easy for a reader to feel there's classist or regionalist sentiment behind it, and I doubt that's something you want to express. More normal ways of expressing casual speech like 'ya' and 'readin'' are okay though.

So Rarity, how's the new fashion line coming along?

Yes darling, it's shaping up nicely.

Should be 'So, Rarity, how's...' and 'Yes, darling, it's...'. Direct address needs to be set off with commas from any word next to it in the sentence, before and/or after. There are more cases of this here and in earlier chapters.

So you're nights aren't so... Sleepless?

So... You're going over tomorrow?

'your' in the first one.

An ellipsis can end a sentence but it can also be a pause in the middle of one. These both seem to be that kind, so there's no need to capitalize the word after the ellipsis. There might be other cases of this.

>>14852341485234

Thanks for spotting all those errors. Editing and proofreading never was my specialty, and I've gone and edited most of them. However, you seem to have misinterpreted a few things.

"Okay?" is just that. An alternative to a "So? Go on."

I quite like the "eye-dialect". I used to not do that when I first started writing, but a lot of people got on my case for it, and I've since warmed up to writing with it. It's a signature way to distinguish out AJ, and it captures her drawl nicely. I understand if you don't like it, but I prefer it. It's not meant to make her seem any less intelligent or coordinated (or subtly put in any sectionalist prejudice), it's just her.

"Ah dunno, Twi', this experimentin' yer doin' here seems pretty dangerous," versus " 'I don't know, Twilight, this experiment you're doing here seems pretty dangerous,' she said with an authentic country drawl." The former is less confusing and distracting, I believe, because then you determine accent mid-speech instead of after (in which case I personally have to go back and re-read the dialogue in the correct accent). Nevertheless, its your opinion and you're certainly allowed to voice it.

After getting my first submission rejected by EqD a year ago due to comma overload, I've since been using them more realistically than grammatically to cut down on their usage (mainly for pauses in speech). Sometimes you say "Hey man, what's up?" with no pause between the 'Hey' and 'man'. If I am going for a pause in between those, then of course a comma would be added. But sometimes it seems awkward and choppy when I read it out loud, so I take out the initial comma to fit the parameters I have for the specific line.

And yes, you're right about the ellipses, I probably should not capitalize after I use them. But the nit-picky side of my brain deems that I should capitalize anyways and drives me crazy if I don't. It's relatively minor and I see it more as a matter of taste, so I don't give it much thought. The same would go for how much I use italics, I probably shouldn't use them as much. But it's more of a matter of taste. It doesn't inhibit your understanding of the story at all.

Once again, thank you so much for pointing those out!

GOAL! Ok rarity now just real her in.