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SomeGuyWhoWrites
Joined August 2012
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SomeGuyWhoWrites
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Joined August 2012
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Too short for any real enjoyment. It honestly felt more of a prologue than anything. An overconfident bully that over estimated her abilities used some scare tactics that ended up with a pink pony staining the ground.
I suppose now we just have to wait for more creative ways to see how the other 4 die. If anymore. Again, it was just too short to be of much interest.
Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9a3klbhK11rugjqu.gif
i was liking the way the story was going. 
And remember to be a 
STAR!
..meh
So I'm browsing through the fics, this catches my eye, especially because of the highly mixed reviews. I take a look and I see this:
Gilda flew away; she’s seen enough of her friend today
Are you kidding me man? Within a few paragraphs you've switched tenses multiple times, and now once in the same sentence? Does that not seem ridiculous to you? This needs more than editing, it needs a rewrite.
I mean for Celestia's sake, it's a good idea! But it's just not worth my time to read when it's like this. Pretty please get some proofreaders.
>>1219813 Also dude, just read what you wrote about taking the story down if nobody likes it. Just... Don't be like that. It's the Internet. Take criticism carefully - recognise that just because someone is a good critic doesn't mean they actually know what they're talking about. Negative reactions shouldn't motivate you to quit, they should motivate you to evolve and rethink what you're doing .
Okay. I'd like to preface this review with a note. There are two different problems, and they both have to do with your attitude.
"If no one likes this story, I'll be sure to take it down."
Why are you writing this? You should be writing because you enjoy it, and because you're proud of what you've accomplished. Although your attitude is better than people who stubbornly refuse any sort of criticism, it's still not the right way to go. If there are flaws in your story (and there will be, there are flaws in every story), destroying the evidence is never the proper answer. If you don't want to spend the energy to work on a piece, to really polish it until it's something you're satisfied with, then writing might not be the best.
"Also, go easy on me. This is my first fan fiction in years."
No. I will not go easy on you because it's your first fic. Which number fic it is is irrelevant. It doesn't change anything about the story, and it won't change anything about my review. I will not go easy you, because that benefits no one. Constructive criticism plays a very important role: Authors often spend so much time in their story that it becomes harder for them to notice what it looks like to a reader. Criticism is one of the only ways authors can receive feedback and improve these parts of the story. Thus, it is tremendously important, and an author needs to be able to withstand it. Asking readers to go easy on you is akin to saying that you don't want to learn how to improve (and everyone can improve). If you want your work to be the best it can be, you need to be willing to accept criticism.
Seeing "go easy on me" is often enough to ensure that I won't read a story, but I thought the premise was interesting, so I went ahead.
People before me have been saying "It needs more", and they're right. But they don't do a very good job explaining what they mean. In fact, they are right in too different ways.
1. Explore more deeply. This is a story about Gilda. More accurately, this is a story about Gilda's emotions. Betrayal. Anger. Horror. Guilt. And everything in between. You, as the author, need to really delve into Gilda's mind and explore her emotions. We, as the reader, need to be able to feel what she's feeling at every moment. Don't be afraid of monologing. In fact, make sure to monologue. It won't detract from the story, since the inside of her head is where all the best parts of the story will ideally be taking place. What exists could be embellished greatly.
2. This is not ready for the first publishing. The story only moves to keep up with the summary. Assuming we already read the summary, there isn't any additional information in the passage. This means it's violating the Golden Rule of writing: "Never Waste the Reader's Time". Everything that currently exists in those thousand words, I basically could have gotten from the summary. In addition to adding detail to what already exists so that they'd still be interesting to the reader, the first upload should have enough to really grab the reader in and reveal more information than just the summary.
Don't give up. In fact, the whole reason I'm writing this post is to say that you shouldn't give up. I want to see this improved, because I think it's a really good idea. But currently, as it stands, it needs work.
But I believe in you.
Lol. This story had me laughing. Seriously. 
Anyway, I really like the plot, but please, PLEASE fix the punctuation in the next chapter!
Sentences end with a period. You missed several commas, too.
Also, I think you used the wrong word at one point.
"She clutched her head and screamed at the top of her longs to drown out the sound, but she could still hear it."
I believe you meant "Lungs," not "longs." Please fix that.
Other than that, I really liked this. Can't wait for more!
You killed Fluttershy. You killed her. 
Upon reading this, I wrote an angry reply saying how you are a heartless creature.
However, before I posed it, I remembered that in the one and only story I currently have on this website, I too have killed Fluttershy. 
So. Although I dislike the way you killed her, I cannot really get mad at you.
Anyway, I for one am waiting for more.
This has some good potential. But I think that if you're going to make the death descriptions a bit graphic, then you should've made Fluttershy's a bit more detailed. You described Pinkie Pie's body very good, described Twilight's death really good but then all she did to Fluttershy was snap her neck and it was done. In my opinion, it could've been more detailed at that point. Other than that, I give this story a 
for awesomeness.
I hereby declare this story Rainbow Dash approved. 
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