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  • T Flim and Flam and the Road to Old Donado

    Flim, Flam, and Trixie break probation to seek a lost city in hopes of winning fabulous wealth before any real heroes show up.
    32,991 words · 271 views  ·  11  ·  1
  • T Summer of My Human Soldier

    An account of events which led to the end of the US-Lunar Republic war, as told by an ensemble cast.
    35,303 words · 554 views  ·  10  ·  8 · gore
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“The princess threw a party in the royal jail;

The dungeon band was there and they began to wail.

The joint was jumping and the place began to swing:

You should have heard those knocked out jailbirds sing!”

“Your Honor, on behalf of my clients I would like to renew my motion for separate trials,” Nickel Guise said.

“And I’ll renew my denial of that motion,” the gray-maned judge said, from his bench at the head of the courtroom.  “Now, you will be the attorney of record for the Defense?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“Even though you are one of the defendants?”

“They say that an attorney who defends himself has a fool for a client.  But I attended the Canterlot Legal Academy, Your Honor.”

The judge regarded the attorney with an even gaze.

“And, Your Honor, despite two years of taking any dumb case that trots through the door and living in abject poverty, I still owe them over a quarter million bits for tuition loans.  This is hardly a time to stop being a fool.”

The judge looked down the defendants’ table.  “Your attorney has just gone on the record as admitting to being a fool.  Does anypony wish to request a new one?”

The Flimflam brothers shrugged.  “He’s got to earn his money somehow.”

Trixie shook her head.

Octavia said “He’s quite acceptable.”

“Seems alright to me,” Lyra said.

“Like we can afford better,” Bon-Bon added.

“I like his spunk,” Iron Will said.

The goats nodded agreement.

“This is a bunch of horse apples!  Why am I here?”  Vinyl Scratch complained.

“I hear no objections to this attorney – we shall now commence the bench trial.  Opening remarks from the Crown, please.”

“Let’s rock!

Everypony lets rock!

Everypony on the whole cell block -

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!”

“So you see, Your Honor – no matter how counsel tried to present this case, it isn’t about any of those things.  This case – it’s not even about these ponies’ noble search for redemption.  No, Your Honor,” Nickel said, “this is about thirty-eight little unicorn fillies and colts who will get to remain in a loving, trustworthy environment, despite the trials and ravages of war.  It’s about little Roo, here, and each of these others.  I’d like counsel for the Crown to look into each of their eyes, if she can, and tell them one at a time why it was such a bad thing that their home now has the structural integrity to last through the winter months.”

“G and PT played the alto saxophone;

Iron Will was blowin on the slide trombone;

The drummercolt from Foaledo went crash boom bang -

The whole rhythm section was Vinyl's old gang!”

“Will the defendants please rise?”

The ponies, goats, and minotaur took to their hooves.

“After taking into advisement certain messages received from one or more Princesses…and having weighed all the facts and law, I have reached my decision.”  The judge shifted his spectacles on his face and read from his paper.

“On charges one through seventy-four of the indictment, the felony counts: I am dismissing all of these charges with prejudice.”

The Flimflams high-hoofed their attorney.  “Yes!”

“On charges seventy-five through nine-hundred-and-eighty-seven of the indictment, the misdemeanor counts: I am entering verdicts of guilty.”


“And on each of these counts, I am entering a sentence of ninety days….”

As the mental math added up, faces fell.  “Two hundred twenty-eight years…”

“…sentences to be served concurrently!”


“Furthermore, upon service of their jail sentence and release, the defendants will all remain on probation until such time as the full sum of their collectively-owed restitution is paid.”

“Oh, heck, that ain’t bad,” Flam smiled.  “That’s practically boilerplate.”

“Er – how much do we collectively owe, Your Honor?” their lawyer asked.

The judge glared at the defendants.  “After five weeks of calculation by an entire office of the royal government, the sum total is…

…seven hundred forty nine million, eight hundred seventy six thousand, five hundred forty three bits, and four cents.”

“Let’s rock!

Everypony lets rock!

Everypony on the whole cell block -

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock”

“That does sound lucrative,” the brothers said through the holes in the magic glass.  “A quite intriguing offer,” Flim added.

Applejack nodded from the other side.  “I reckoned you two might be interested.  And shoot, only eighty-five more days – if you can get some paperwork signed, you might just be able to do it for this cider season!  Maybe even set you all up in some buildings in Ponyville.”

“You’re pretty eager about this, Miss Applejack, given where things stood the last time we spoke.”

“Well, heck, I want to make money, too – just honestly, ya know?  I mean, I know we’re only looking at your share being about eighty-thousand bits for the season, which’d pay off your debt in, uh…”

“About nine times as long as Nightmare Moon was banished.  But no, friend, it is honest work, and that’s what we need.  Our probation officer told us so.”

“Well number 47 said to number 3:

‘You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see;

I sure’ll be delighted with your company -

Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me!’”

“So there was nothing salvageable of the omnibus?”  Iron Will asked.

Applejack shook her head.  “Sorry, hon’.  Just be glad your little wooly friends got out okay.  But hey!  At least you didn’t get a felony!  I hear they revoke your motivational speaking license for that.”

“Let’s rock!

Everypony lets rock!

Everypony on the whole cell block -

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!

Let’s rock!”

“So, uh…what’s this going to mean for your career?”  Applejack asked.

Octavia laughed.  “Any musician worth her salt, in any genre, should do a little time in the dungeon.  I’ll be getting even better offers than before, I assure you of that.”

“And, uh, how’re things going with that DJ character?  She didn’t seem too happy.”

“I expect her career will also do better.  She just needs some time to get over the shock, is all.”

“Of having her tour bus explode?”

“Of being propelled through the stratosphere on an iron plate and landing in the middle of Cloudsdale’s rainbow factory.  Apparently a most distressing experience indeed; fortunately, I had already blacked out by then, and woke up comfortably in leg irons on a prison transport.”

“PON-3 was sittin' on a block of stone,

Way over in the corner weepin' all alone;

The princess said ‘hey pony don't you be no square:

If you can't find a partner use a wooden chair!’”

"Actually,” the attorney said, “I might just stay in here - I actually get paid on time and in full as a dungeon lawyer, even if's mostly in chocolate coins."

"Well, do as you like.  But if you do let yourself get released, remember that y'all owe Twilight another cup of coffee."

"Oh, yes."  Nickel Guise smiled.

"Now, between you and me, I don't think you're anything like good enough for her, and I think you know that, too.  But after you lathered on all that sweet talk and even made her believe some of it, she gets to realize that for herself and dump you on her own time.  In the meantime, you break her heart; I break yours - straight through the ribcage.  We clear, pardner?"

"Crystal, ma’am."

“Let’s rock!

Everypony lets rock!

Everypony on the whole cell block -

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!”

“I can’t tell you how eager the Cakes are for you two to get out.”

“Why’s that?”  Bon-Bon asked, skeptical.  “I’d think they’d be glad to have a competitor out of business for a few months.”

“Oh, they were excited at first – for about two days, Pinkie said.  But your customers have needs, pardner, needs that not just anypony can meet!  Forty-two flavors!  Forty!  Two!  Flavors!  I swear, ninth time somepony asked Pinkie for a pumpkin smoothie, she dang near cried.”

“They were dancing to the jailhouse rock!

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!

Everypony on the whole cell block -

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!”


“Yes, Applejack?”

“You know Twi ain’t never been mad at you, right?  Are you mad at her?”

Trixie crossed her forelegs and harrumphed.  Truth be told, even she didn’t know anymore.

“Well, anyway, if you need a place to get back on your hooves when this is all over, Ponyville’d like to see you back.  And heck, even if you don’t want to stay, a lot of your friends’ll be there, at least for a while, it’s as good a place as any.”


“Well, sure.  Flim and Flam got to build a cider press there; that attorney fella says he’s going to hang up a shingle while he tries and puts the moves on Twilight; of course Lyra and Bon-Bon will go back to run their ice-cream shop; Iron Will wants to do some consultin’ work with Fluttershy; and Octavia’s going to crash with some relatives for a while.”

Trixie blinked.  “My friends.”

“Right.  So, c’mon back to Ponyville with the rest – I’m sure we can find a place for y’all.”

“They was dancing to, dancing to, dancing to, dancing to

Dancing to the jailhouse rock!

Oh they was dancing to, dancing to, dancing to, dancing to

Dancing to the jailhouse rock!

Everypony on the whole cell block -

They was dancing to the jailhouse rock!”

“Spike, take a letter!”

Twilight Sparkle rubbed her hooves together in glee.

“I’m going to be able to milk this for at least six friendship reports!”

#1 · 112w, 2d ago · · ·

Rated T for Teen, because if an eight-year-old reads this and decides to seek out and watch the theatrical (R-rated) cut, I'm totally not responsible.  Even if I was seven the first time I watched it.

And BOOM.  That's it, folks.  Flim and Flam Save an Orphanage - with a little help from all their friends.

This may be the end of the story, but while there's a bit of a sequel hook, rest assured, I won't be trying to make a sequel to the Blues Brothers - which no one ever should have done, ever, at least not once John Belushi died.

Where my warped version of Equestria goes from here, I can't be certain; but listening to the readership hasn't done me wrong so far, so maybe someone else has a notion I might just be able to use.  Anyone who's compared this story to my other one on the site can guess that I have a lot easier hand at writing comedy than I do...uh...whatever genre that other story is (aside from kinda-dark, occasionally-actiony, at times gallows-humorous, sorta-angsty, gray-and-gray alternate history), so I'm more likely to follow up on this line than that one anytime soon.

EqD hasn't gotten back to me, so you all get an extra +1 Hipster Cred for seeing this through.


That's a very good mental image.  I think it can be made to work.  Fanart, anybody?  It's beyond my skills.

#2 · 112w, 2d ago · · ·

Aaaaand that last line of Twilights had me imagining her all crazy-face again...

So yeah. This fic has been a fun read, one that had me laughing on numerous occasions - good job!

#3 · 112w, 2d ago · · ·

Good end, man, good end.

#4 · 112w, 2d ago · · ·

Excellent again. I think EQD is still backed up with the whole pony writing month, (you're not the only one).

Good luck  with them, personally I'd be putting this straight into the vault and its on my recommended reading list.

#5 · 112w, 2d ago · · ·

I listened to Sweet Home Chicago while reading the second-to-last chapter. I must say it fit perfectly.

Nice to see the band get acquitted. I wonder if they can go on tour while they're still parole.

'Twas  a most excellent story...I'm sad to see it end...

#6 · 111w, 2d ago · · ·

See the fic too derivative to ever be considered!

Read the story so unoriginal your time would be better served by just watching the movie!

Shake your head disgustedly at mere copy-paste antics!


I kid, I kid.  I've been writing in various media for a while now, and it's always good to have one more rejection notice for the pile.  Always instructive.  This one particularly so.

I'm glad you all enjoyed this, and hopefully I'll have something up in the near future which won't be too disappointing.

#7 · 108w, 4d ago · · ·

This is, by a not-inconsiderable margin, the most fun I've had with a vaguely-semi-crossover-type tale since I abandoned my dream of hooking up Anna Corralnina with old moneybags Count Vronsteed.

On the other hoof, this also reveals that I'm following Twifight Sparkill around like a lost Pound Puppy.

#8 · 108w, 4d ago · · ·


Yet you're still not house trained.

#9 · 108w, 4d ago · · ·


Not in every house, evidently.

#10 · 108w, 3d ago · · ·

So I read this story and have to ponder why EqD didn't accept it - lofty online goal, getting a featured fic. Last year this would have topped the charts, yet now it's such an elitist trend. I say that bitterly, because my stories suck.

I'm just thankful I got to read it AND recommend it to all my following FIMFiction friends - thank you again KFDirector, you're pretty goddamn wicked.

#11 · 108w, 2d ago · · ·


Why would you ever give up on such a great ambition?  We need more Tolstoy Pony!  But don't look to me for it.  Solzhenitsyn Pony, maybe.


Glad you both have enjoyed it so much!

I attempted to strike a certain balance between originality and faithfulness to the source material.  The pre-reader at EqD felt, very strongly, that I strayed too far in the latter direction.

But that need not stop other people from enjoying it.  Keep spreading the word.

#12 · 1d, 2h ago · · ·

Ehehehehe, that punchline at the end. :pinkiecrazy:

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