Rainy days, I hated them. They kept me imprisoned inside of my home, waiting to go back outside and play. Then, the rain stopped, and I saw it: a rainbow, releasing me from my prison and back into freedom. And it was beautiful.
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Uke-Joe
Joined 30th May, 2012 ·
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As always, leave thoughts, comments, and opinions here. Or just click one of those thumbs/that star to tell me what you think. A big thanks to The Usual Suspect 2 for editing a ton of this. You the man. Also thanks to Pia for being Spike. Other people that helped were something888, malfarious, BusyJackalope, and Ultrapwny45.
I still feel like crying after reading it again its simply so beautiful.
1210924
>tfw advertisements on a feelsy fic
10/10 Joe.
I really want to hate this, but I can't.
Did not see any problems with how it was written, not that I'm any good at spotting that sort of thing.
The reader's point of view thing was kind of strange, but It would not of worked without it.
I guess I'll have to thumb this up for generating the sort of feels it was meant to.
Powerful stuff...
The kind of fanfic that leaves you a little speechless at the end
Thumbs up ^.^
not as many feels as i expected, though rather good. Good use of repetition to emphasize feeling is pretty rare in the fics i've read, so well done on that as well.
this being said, the pacing could have been more consistent on the part where he cheated and got the mare pregnant. those events seemed to be a lot more important than you reflected by skimming over them so quickly. i understand that by using his internal perspective already allows him sympathy, but for me, when he got struck by lightening i didn't really feel anything and i believe it to be because his own conflicts in that area weren't addressed well.
all said and done, this is still a great fic
manly tears were shed bro
....That slapped my feels.
son of a bitch... why am I attracted to depressing stories? oh yeah, 'cause they're awesome.
Scribblestick here with my helpful writing tips!
This may be the first time I've read an OCxMane 6 fic that didn't make me angry. No, wait I have read another. But the good ones are so few and far between that every one is like a magnificent chorus of angels against the discordant clanging of the toddlers banging the pots in the kitchen. Metaphorically speaking.
Ahywho. In case you couldn't tell, I thought this was incredibly well-done. The style was great, and I liked how you kept the focus on your OC rather than the relationship. It was a fresh view on a common theme, and it worked really well. Your OC was really well-developed, and while the story itself was somewhat predictable, I found myself hoping that somehow it would turn out differently for him.
The ending didn't have the closure I really wanted. I would have liked to see your OC take more time to work through his grief and guilt, or at least try and cope with it (or not) over the course of several days or even weeks before finding forgiveness and healing through the rainbows. Also, how might others react to these events? Would the others be mad at your OC, or would they try to comfort him? He clearly has some interaction with Pinkie and Rarity, and it would have been nice to see how these events affected his other relationships (outside his work).
I did some nitpicky, detailed stuff too, which you can find below. But overall, I thought this was a great story. Good luck in the future!
~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer
--------------
Personally, I hate semicolons in fiction. They just seem so stuffy and academic.
On a more substantial note, “I couldn’t do anything” and “I just sat in my room…” are redundant, and the second one is a much better ‘show.’
This repetition didn’t work for me.
Your double hyphen didn’t turn into a dash, like I think you wanted.
That’s repetitive.
The part before the quote is its own sentence and should be punctuated as such. ‘She’ does not need to be capitalized because it is giving the attribution for the preceding quote.
You use this phrase twice in two adjacent paragraphs. Mix it up a little.
You don’t need a comma here.
Rainbow-colored should be hyphenated.
These should be two different sentences. Also, how did he find out her name? I think it would be interesting to know, even if it’s just half a sentence.
You don’t need that comma. Same goes for the next sentence. You seem to have a lot of these, so I’ll explain why. If a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) connects two complete sentences, it takes a comma before it. If not, it doesn’t.
Also, this paragraph feels a little long, even though it’s really not.
Comma splice. Use a period.
I really like this sentence. Nice description.
[quote[lunch together became a daily thing.Some days…Missed the space after the period.
I think this would work better with a “She said” at the beginning.
This is also a great two sentences.
‘After’ should go after ‘house.’
‘Felt’ is incorrect. I think you want ‘feel.’
Also, this and several of the following paragraphs are missing indentations.
Another missed space.
You’re missing a ‘told’ in here somewhere.
No capitalization needed.
This paragraph is really long.
‘Towards the direction’ is redundant.
You use the word rainbow way too much in the third-to-last paragraph.