Pro Tip: If you want to write a good story write something that you know, but don't put yourself in it. Don't start every sentence with I. You should also indent at the start of a new paragraph, and try to be a bit more descriptive and drag out the scenes a bit more, in 10 lines it went from hearing about the murder to straped down in her lair. that is all so far. I would also say first but i'm not proud to be here

You want feedback? I'll give you feedback

Only capitalize names and the beginning of a sentence.(talking about the description)

1st. What DbzorDie said

2nd. Write the story so that it actually makes sense and the readers can easily understand what's happening.

3rd. Paragraph's beeyetches! This will help numero two too.

4th. Preread it or get a prereader/editor to see the mistakes and if it is a crappy story. Some people have the natural ability to write a story one time with minimal mistakes. You do not have this ability.

Lastly, read more. The best writers read dozens of books to get new writing style ideas and to hammer in their heads writing do's and don'ts.

This may be a site about ponies, but this a site where we (usually) look for GOOD pony stories.

Remember, feedback guys...

here's my only thing, already too late for this though.

Don't say it is your first fic. People, truly, do not care. Sorry...

>>12163651216365

There seems to be a lot of feedback, actually. The only non-feedback I see is this comment ;P

In fealty to the God Empress of Ponykind, and by the grace of the Golden Throne, I declare Exterminatus upon this shitty fanfic.

Image: http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/2152663_o.gif

Woooow.

-Massive walls of text

-No spaces after periods

-Too many (i.e. more than 1) speakers in a paragraph

-OC is best friends with everyone

-OC can apparently order Celestia to do something

-OC can apparently do anything

-OC can even break the 4th wall

-Abuses caps

-Plot makes no sense

-Makes Pinkie a psycho

-No character development

-Fails to capitalize names

-Just barely meets the minimum length

-Tells us its a first fic in the description

If this is a trollfic, congratulations! I think you managed to hit everything except a black alicorn OC with the word 'Shadow' in its name.

If this was a genuine attempt, well, I suppose everyone has to start somewhere. I'd recommend reading a few good fics and paying attention to how people write and what they write (and don't write) about. Best of luck!

>>12166371216637

You know, I don't think She needs to know about this. Just Exterminatus the thing and hope everyone thinks it was always like that.

>Now, lets see what kind of a wreck this one i-

>OHHH GAWD! MY EYES! THEY BURN!!!!! Pinkie! I need some help here!

Hiya there Joro! What'sa happenin'?

>*Gurgles painfully*

Awww, it can't be that bad...

>*Points to the screen*

Let's have a looksee! Hmmm... yadda yadda yadda... I don't feel so good...

Wait, it just ended? That was... sudden...

*Snapping noise* I tOtAlLy LiKeD iT...

>Anyway, paragraphs. I can't stress this enough, put them in. Every time you use a different character to speak you go to another line. Every. Time. Seriously, I can't even tell you how off-putting it is to read a story in the format this story is. Maybe if you trashed it and tried again from scratch it would have a chance, put this needs to be nuked.

>This isn't an insult to you, I'm just saying that this story needs a LOT of work...

>And listen to ScribbleStick, he has the right idea here^

-Jorofrarie

I was all set to come in here, guns blazing, and give a good critique of the story. >>12165721216572 and >>12167311216731 beat me to it.

>>12180421218042

Un moment while I finish up.

Welp, my job here is done. Thank ya fellows for doing my work for me, >>12165721216572 >>12167311216731

But seriously, Mr. Author, listen to those two guys. Follow their advice.

CHOO CHOO!

Image: http://games.dcu.ie/wiki/images/9/96/All-aboard-the-fail-train.jpg

WHOOSH!

~TWE

Well, guess I have to stay up to wipe this story out.

Let it begin.

First. My calling card.

Image: http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/246/d/4/choo_choo_motherfucker_by_thorlol-d5dggjp.jpg

Now. To get to the story.

Overall:

Mary Sue OC. Knows Celestia, is she an alicorn by any chance?

Walls of text.

Spelling errors.

Forgot to add a space at the end of the sentence

Every time a different character speaks. You. Hit. The. Enter. Key. On. Your. Keyboard. See that button with the arrow that goes down then back. Use it.

THOU DO NOT USE ALL CAPS UNLESS THOU ART SPEAKING IN THEE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE

>Twilight?

Why are you waking me up so late

>Just a short fic we need to critique

Oh boy

>It's a Cupcakes follow up.

Poor Pinkie.

We were watching our TV in our small home in ponyville capitalize name.As we were watching our program the channel just changed mystriously mysteriously and it startled me and my cat Bubbles.Well we still had to listen 'cause that usualy means its pretty important.The news pony said that Rainbow had gone missing and they need someone to find out who killed her She's gone missing so now she's dead, huh. Tell us that she was found dead! Or do ponies just say missing=dead.My eyes brightened."Bubbles put on your bandana.WE WILL FIND OUT WHO DID THIS!!!!!!!!!" As I said. No all caps unless Royal Canterlot Voice..I grabbed Bubbles and ran out the door.On the way out I ran into my good friend Lyra Heartstrings and her best friend Bon-Bon."Woa Whoa whats the rush Sugar Pop?"Lyra asked."Oh sorry Lyra Its veeeeeery important!It's almost more important than finding all of the bronies and pegasisters!" replied."OH my gosh! If its that important we need to hear it!Dont we Bon-Bon?".Bon-Bon nodded."Well Its just that.........RAINBOW DASH HAS BEEN KILLED AND WE NEED TO FIND THE MURDERER! Alright. Why the hell do people make these walls of text and not hit enter EVERYTIME A NEW CHARACTER SPEAKS"I yelled.Lyra was shocked."Really?Is that true?" Use the spacebar between sentences.Bon-Bon asked. I nodded"Its All True I Need Too Gather all of equestria!"Me and Bubbles flew all the way to canterlot."Princess Celestia!I need a meeting for all of equestria to come here!I'll find out who killed Rainbow!" Oh for Celestia's sake. You capitalized everything except for what needed to be capitalize. Canterlot. Equestria. And get rid of that all first letter caps sentence. Next: Mary Sue. Of course she knows Celestia. Not everyone is like the Mane 6 and can talk with the princess like they do

                                                                            ....

At the meeting I was nevous but with Celestia and Bubbles at my side it made me less nervous.Everypony were talking so it was hard for them to listen but Celestia got the them to stop."Trollololollolololololololol.........." Please tell me this is a trollfic.  Everypony was staring at me so I stopped."As many of you may know Rainbow Dash was killed with out a warning a few weeks ago...."I said,"And I am here to find out exactly whokilled Rainbow......","AND EVERYPONY IS A SUSPECT!!!!".Celestia's eyes widened and she stared at me.I looked back up at her"Except for the Princesses"I continued.She stopped staring.Luna let out a sigh of relif relief. A little filly was jumping up and down."Who are the main suspects Sugar Pop?".I looked at the homeless filly"My main suspects are....."I stopped I remembered who killed Rainbow!But i capitalize the I couldn't say because that would ruin the Mystery wouldn't it?"Pinkie pie Capitalize,and Fluttershy"I said.The filly asked me something again"But Why Them?".I sighed."Only for reason's a fan fiction writer should know". Thank god it's a troll fic. Please tell me it's a troll fic

                                                                            ....

Without a warning the filly followed me.I went to sugarcube corner looking for any evidence but pinkie Capitalize was acting all.........jumpy.She was acting all nervous trying to keep me out of the basement.I finaly gave up and went to fluttershy Capitalize to see if she witnessed any thing."Hey Fluttershy are you home?"."No i'm not home..."she replied.I sighed"I brought me pet kitten Bubbles".She opened the door."Really?Your kitten is here?"she asked.I nodded and Bubbles jumped out of my basket.Oh I forgot did I mention i was wearing a basket on my side?Its where i keep my fanfictions."Aww aren't you the cutest kitten ever!"she said."Fluttershy I need to ask you some questions inside"."Okay but why Sugar?"she asked."Ill tell you inside.".We all went inside."Now whats the problem?"she said."Do you know anything about the loss of RD?".She was shocked"Are you trying to acuse me of something Sugar Pop?Because I am not a murderer!"she yelled at me."IM NOT ACUSEING acusing YOU OF ANYTHING FLUTTERSHY!YOUR MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD!WE BOTH WORK WELL WITH ANIMALS,WE WERE BOTH AFRAID TO FLY!" Put the spaces after the sentences,I paused to see Fluttershy she was starting to cry.I stoped and walked over to her."Im sorry Fluttershy I dein't didn't

*Next day*

>Well, got about ten minutes before I have to get ready to go to school. Lets finish this thing!

mean to make you upset.". She looked up"Really? I'm your best friend?".I nodded "You should know that by now you silly pony!",I giggled"All I wanted is if you know anything about who might have killed Rainbow Dash".She stoped crying and was holding Angel close to her."Well I do know who killed her but its a special promise" .Bubbles walked over to Fluttershy."What kind of promise Flutter?".She sighed"A..........Pinkie Promise".I gasped"So pinkie killed Rainbow?".She nodded"Yea but she wont won't be the only pegasus missing after this...".Well I'll protect you after we get Pinkie out of ponyville or just plain Equestria!" Missed quotation at beginning, forgot to capitalize Ponyville.She stared at me"Running her out of equestria...REALLY SUGAR?That's taking it too far".We jumped out of Flutter's house and went over to sugarcube corner.

                                                                          ....

"I KNOW YOU DID IT PINKIE!"I yelled as I broke through the door.I ran to where the basement was.Pinkamena tried to block me as I quickly opened the basement door and ran down the stairs.Pinkamena chased me but once I got there it was dark so I couldn't see anything.Suddenly I blacked out.I woke up straped to a chair in the basement."What....What am I doing on this chair?"I asked as I looked in my bag Bubbles was still there.Pinkamena pulled out a knife she had"You know....A small part of me always wanted to kill you Sugar Pop".She waved the knife in front of my face.I looked away knowing this might be the last thing she 'd ever see.I looked up"I know you did it...."I said,"I know you killed rainbow...".I started to flap my wings trying too escape.I managed to get loose and break out."Wha-What?!?How'd you do that?"Pinkamena asked."Have you not noticed Diane?I'm a fanfic writer of course I would know what to do and NOT to do In these kind of situations!".She facehoofed herself"Of coarse".I flew up stairs to get fluttershy"Pinkie did do that!"Lets go get celestia!We went to canterlot to tell celestia and then pinkamena was put in jail.But who knows she might escape one day.But for now ponyville can put away their fright. let me see. Too quick. Much too quick. You must have build up. Suspense! And then of course Mary Sue can get away because she's a fanfic writer, because they know how to do everything. And you forgot to capitalize Celestia, Fluttershy, Pinkiamena and Ponyville

"Or so they think"Pinkamena said. Add an evil laugh, or something. Said from where? What was she doing? Give. Us. Details.

WHOOSH!

>>12166371216637 what is it with bronies and 40k? btw chaos marines ftw

EVERY BODY STOP THE COMMENTS! I ERASED THE ENTIRE FIC TO TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT I FEEL ABOUT YOU COMMENTS JUST GO THE AWAY!

>>12259901225990

Fic is still there...

And we at TWE wish to provide quality fanfics to this fandom, and your fic was well... not that good. Thereby we came in and I told you your grammarical errors and a few things I noticed that were dragging your fic down, as well as giving a few suggestions. As did most of the other people. You don't have to go all caps rage.

>>12166371216637

YOU FILTHY HERETIC!!!!

YOU DARE (COPY OTHERS), TO PLACE A VILE XENO ON THE GOLDEN THRONE?!?!?!

(Deep inside the Black Ships....)

Necessary Action?

Affirmative.

Exterminatus?

Negative. Redundancy would affect other Imperial systems.

Troop Request?

Granted.

Sanguis Corvi Astartes?

Authorized.

Dispatching the Blood Ravens...

Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5lj9mNbXp1rsy9pwo1_500.jpg

Image: http://static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/CHOO+CHOO+MOTHER+FUCKER+_fe673af2f21956749894a779ac6ad9cb.gif

WHOOOOOSH

>>12259901225990 Annnnnnnnnnd another train wreck Jesus man that was bad. pay attention to the people above just remember the big button at the bottom of your keyboard.

A small part of me wants to kill you Review by the Naval Brony

I am going to review this crap by partially deconstructing this story.

Title

Wow, "A small part of me wants to kill you"? This is some serious errors by your title. Almost all of the words except A are lowercased. This is what an actual title of a fanfic should look like.

"A Small Part of Me Wants to Kill You". See that, most of the words are capitalized because its obviously a title, and this might bring more readers into your story. Still, your story is far away from being better. Let's look at the description now.

Description

Oh the horror!

Yeah, you put a lot of clues that will give away how bad your story actually is. We can tell by the description and for now, let's see what the description is.

Sugar Pop the Fanfic Writer and Her Cat Bubbles Hear about the disaperance of Rainbow Dash They Have To Investigate! Every Pony is A Suspect in this crime and what they find will surprise you! This is my first fanfic so please give me feedback.

Wow! That was the best desc ever!

I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU! IT WAS THE WORST!

You put unnecessary capitalizations into your description and you are missing a few words. Also, there will be one critical error that you will be seeing after I break down your description word by word.

Sugar Pop the Fanfic Writer and Her Cat...

See? I have been breaking it down for errors and it wasn't very far until we reached "Her Cat". Oh my god, you really need to learn your English. Here's the problem, you should not CAPITALIZE HER unless it the BEGINNING OF A SENTENCE!

This is what it should look like: her cat.

This is what it should actually say in the description. Now, let's break it down some more.

"Hear"

Really? You are terrible at making summaries, in fact, you really haven't been paying attention to proper capitalizations at all.

It should be lowercased to hear. Nuff said.

Also, I found a misspelling. It's "disaperance"

LOL! Do you know what the word "appear" sounds like. Try sounding disappear, then disaper.

See what happened? Disaper sounds like what it is. When you have a hard time spelling something, try saying it and when you break down the words like dissipate appear and ance. You get, disappearance. Now, moving on...

Ah, another error? What the fuck? I am so tired of writing all the frickin' errors and correcting them, but I am trying to dissect it a bit, so let's move on and make it done shall we?

They Have to Investigate!

After the word Rainbow Dash, you did not add the word "and". I mean, you must of had some english experience since at least you know how to spell (only authors who can't spell are the dumbest). Also, I will really have to rewrite that sentence. Here it is!

"Sugar Pop the Fanfic Writer and her cat Bubbles hear about the disappearance of Rainbow Dash and they will have to investigate!"

Now that sentence is already fixed. Now, let's move on to the next sentence.

The raw version: "Every Pony is A Suspect in this crime and what they find will surprise you!

The rewritten version: "Everypony is a suspect in this crime and what they will find will surprise you!".

At least I only had to green text a bit. Here is the critical error that I have to show you...

"This is my first fanfic so please give me feedback"

Wow...You want possible readers to be turned away from that ONE DAMN SENTENCE!

The major rule is to not ever say that this is your first fanfic in the desc. Many of the readers like us including me will be turned away by this one sentence because we think its a piece of shit and isn't very good quality at all.

Alright, moving on to the actual story finally!

The Story

I have quickly read through a few quick paragraphs and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth because it seems like it was written by a 7-year old.

We were watching our TV in our small home in ponyville.As we were watching our program the channel just changed mystriously and it startled me and my cat Bubbles.

Oh, here we go again...

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SPACE YOUR SENTENCES?

Here is the fixed sentence that is easy to do.

We were watching our TV in our small home in Ponyville. As we were watching our program. The channel then changed mysteriously and it startled me and my cat Bubbles.

At least I didn't have to correct a lot of your mistakes.

Oh and not to mention that it seems like I am reading a horrible Creepypasta that has came right "out of the press".

Final Thoughts

You really need to work on this story a lot. Also, this story seems like it was written by a 7-year old and if you are a teenager. You need to go back and pay attention to your English class as you do not work well in the fanfic community. If you fail to acknowledge that, then find some other hobby you can do then.

"You know....A small part of me always wanted to kill you Sugar Pop".

COME ON! PINKIE! DO IT!

.I started to flap my wings trying too escape. I managed to get loose and break out.

NOO! BOO! BOOOO!

"Have you not noticed Diane?I'm a fanfic writer of course I would know what to do and NOT to do In these kind of situations!"

F*CKING MARY SUE.

Image: http://mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2878-Pinkie_Pie_rage.png

You have a Lvl. 500 Mary Sue.

Usually I don't mind Mary Sue's. But this is just.. A MARY SUE OF A MARY SUE!

A Small Part Of Me Wants To Kill You.. Rated Everyone

Nutshell Plot: Rainbow Dash is killed!

Youtube Video