A wonderful start to what looks like a good story. I am more than excited to see where it is going to go.

Amazing start! I can't wait to see how this plays out.

Did you Shining Armor?/i]”

You missed a part of he bracket here, itialisizing the rest of the chapter.

Orphans? Now that just blows... But good story.

this is a concept i haven't really seen before...and one I'm quite eager to explore! The opening chapter is captivating and gives a good outline of a lot of the differences in this alternate universe. looking forward to more!

Your alternate universes are intriguing. I hope either this or Hunting Rainbows gets a second chapter soon.

>>12085121208512

Thank you, fixed it.

>>12086891208689

I would... BUT YOU KEEP FLASHING YOUR PLOT!!!

>>12086281208628

What concept are you talking about?

i've been waiting for something like this.

And it was executed well, can't wait for the next chapter.

Liking this story so far.

Potential story. I like it.

This alternate universe...very intriguing. I'll be tracking this!

Very very intriguing, Fav'd.

Quick question, how old is Twilight in this chapter?

I haven't seen much like this around here, its definitely a different taste. The environment is well detailed giving just enough for the imagination to form the look, but vague enough that it doesn't ruin the majestic feel. I'd love to see more from you at some point.

Okay, the orphan part seemed intriguing, but the rest of this is just too confusing. The Heart? Selene? Huh? There's just so much... well, SAID, but not explained, that I just don't have any interest. I mean, there's making someone curious, and then there's complete and utter info-dumping that doesn't make sense. (Just my opinion. I'll give it a thumbs up because there's nothing REALLY wrong with HOW it was written. Just... WHAT was written, if that makes any sense.)

>>12099301209930

Seems like standard fair for a lot of fantasy novels. You are thrown into the world, terminology that has no meaning to you is thrown around.

After about 10-15 chapters in, you pick everything up through context. Or not sometimes. Depends on the writer.

The story has me intrigued so far. Intrigued enough to keep reading. At least until the hook that the synopsis tells us is going to happen drops. Depends on what it is if my interest shall stay piqued.

Good first chapter... no large spell or grammar mistakes I saw. But I am reading this at 01:30 so that may have hurt my mental abilities.

Tracking and upvoted!

Why is Cadence a unicorn? And why is Luna not described as Celestia's sister? I'm intrigued to see what happened to her and why she is now NMM; although I'm guessing Celestia resolved the crisis by giving Luna her own country to rule. Weird how Shining Armour isn't her actual brother; perhaps they don't realise they're blood-related? Also strange that Twilight is Celestia's hoofmaiden, rather than her personal student; or does Celestia also treat her as a student while she works in her official capacity as hoofmaiden? Intriguing anyway.

Also, fuck Blueblood.

alright, in order.

Twilight is an orphan? She is only Celestia's handmaiden, not her personal student?, The Heart? Helios? I am guessing the miniature pink whirlwind is Pinkie, Twilight and Shining are merely friends, not really sister and brother?  Luna and Celestia aren't sisters? Selene?

ALL OF IT!!!

Image: http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a60/OrthodoxPagan/GIFs/dalekexplain.gif

Interesting, all you need to know so far is explained in the text.(alternate universe so things are different and it doesnt need to be just some minor things, keep that in mind) I really hope there will be more of this soon

Seeing how its slice of life i wont expect the war to come to Helios, so it will be Twilight interacting Celestia, Luna and the others. YAY

You need to read carefully not thinking "OMG I DONT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON"

Also Selene was supposed to be Lunas name but some copyright reason Hasbro couldnt use it

"I asked Lauren Faust about it, and she said that Luna's name was Selena for a while, but there was some kind of legal issue, so they changed it.

When I first got the storybook, I checked Wikipedia, and Selene was the goddess of the moon in Greek Mythology, but the Romans called her Luna, so it all fits."

>>12099301209930

Different strokes for different folks. This feels like something that really, really wants more chapters. [/hint]

Tastes like a nice, long fic that doesn't use many of our common tropes. It also seems like a very well-developed world with lots of backstory for me to infer. Color me interested!

MINDBLOWN. Seriously, the summary alone just floored me. If I didn't have work in 8 hours... Gotta go to bed. This is NOT going in my "Read Later"... It's going in my favourites. ALL ABOARD, EVERYBRONY! It's gonna be a buuuumpy ride!

Hey. was that Chef Ram-sey from "The Royal Diet" fic?

Now this is interesting. Do continue.

Analysis: Huh, total reboot...

Reads like a good fantasy novel, excellent setting, familiar yet different characters...

Verdict: AWESOME. eagerly awaiting next chapter.

>>12082381208238 It worries me how much this applied to what I did...

picture source?

>>12098871209887

Well, skipping over the uncounted 4chan boards on how to determine their ages, she basically the pony equivalent to somewhere between 16-20.

>>12104591210459

Yeah, kind of what gave me the idea. I suck at naming thing Pony fashion (I mean, I named a sheep The Colonel...). And Selene and Helios, Greecian for Moon and Sun. Kind of prepackaged.

>>12107211210721

Umm, until someone nails me for borderline copy write infringement, more or less. Some ideas are just too good to pass over.

>>12082381208238 fuck you i hate first posters i got banned for a week for first posting

>>12111291211129

Last Hope in the Moon by Valkyrie-Girl

Very interesting, and wonderfully well written. Your descriptions and capturing of emotions are great. Favorited and watched, keep up the good work!

>>12113601211360

Mourning Star. Is an awesome name.

BTW, does Celestia know the Doctors name? SHe knows everything else. Even the Daleks don't know who he is anymore. Season 7, ep 1, soooooooon cool.

>>12115001211500

STOP SPOILING THINGS IM ABOUT TO WATCH

kidding, i will watch it soon tho and Celestia doesnt know all, she knows a lot though and likes to stalk him i guess *looks at his profile pic*.  Guess why she isnt the virgin queen no more.

Rare are even gods who know the Doctors true name, after all he fought even demons and gods themselves.

>>12115081211508

But that implies, in this big grand scheme of gods and devils, that she's just a victim. Well, I've seen a lot of this universe. I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demi-gods and would-be gods. I've had the whole pantheon. But if I believe in one thing... just one thing... I believe in her!

>>12115171211517

Celestia as the Docs companion hmmm, well shes immortal or so we assume and he can live a long time, no reason for them to separate then for quiet a while. Until the Doc puts her in to big of a danger, and she cant really leave.

Its like the Doc taking Queen Victoria as his companion, she would be missed to much.

Oh, oh in a second! But then again... That's so human. Where angels fear to tread... Even now, standing on the edge, it's that feeling you get, yea? Right at the back of your head. That impulse... That strange little impulse... That mad little voice saying, "Go on! Go on! Go on!... Go over! Go on!..." Maybe it's relying on that... For once in my life, Officer Scott, I'm going to say... retreat. Ugh, now I know I'm getting old.

I can't wait for future chapters

PS I think the part with Cadence was sooooooo funny

>>12115811211581

Hmm, no, because Twilight would find him. And not be happy about him taking her Princess away.

Biting's excellent. It's like kissing. Only there's a winner.

She most certainly wouldn't be happy about it, but im not sure because she would be jealous of the doctor or celestia, or both.

And are we having a Doctor Who quote "battle" in a totally unrelated story?

(Fourth Doctor, so didnt actually watch but still like the quotes)

You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don't alter their views to fit the facts; they alter the facts to fit their views.

Or if it needs to be one i watched here:

“There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."

>>12107211210721 Then this is the third fic to use that. the other being night's favored child. if i recall.  

>>12121851212185

Well, I don't see why not? And as long as she had Celestia, or some way to contact her regularly, I doubt Twilight would break into the Tardis.

House: Fear me, I've killed hundreds of time lords!

Doctor: FEAR ME! I killed all of them.

no

I'm liking it so far.

I hope the story is as good as the battle of Doctor Who quotes!

Well this is interesting to say the least, there seems to be quite some bigotry towards selene if I can assume Luna being the princess there would make it.... not exactly darker but if she more of... "had her citizens embrace the night". I don't think I explained this very well but if Luna rules Selene like Celestia rules Helios, she'll most likely try to embellish her night to make it seems welcoming. Unless of course twilight is the only one afraid of the dark.

But if she isn't that could lead to trouble if Selene goes to war, we don't even know who's receiving the fight for now, and if Helios and Selene do work together, they might have a breakdown of communication or such if I am right about the slight bigotry towards the darkness.

>>12099301209930

And the start of the show is not like that?

>>12148361214836 What my complaint is, for the most part, is that the description does not do an adequate job in explaining just how... DIFFERENT this universe is. It CLAIMS that the ONLY difference is that Twi and Shining are orphans, but there's new cities, names, Luna is freed, new countries, etc. The description did not do its job properly. (IMO, anyway.)

>>12148671214867

That is not a discriptions job. It is just suppose to tell enough about the story to make people want to read it. Telling about the new world is the story's job.

Well, you've certainly got me intrigued. Especially if I'm interpreting the title correctly...

Definitely looking forward to more.

Image: http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/427640_326897824023938_261343220579399_916751_99779730_n.jpg

LOL I DON'T KNOW!!!! But I loved this story, I hope to great things from this one!!

Looks interesting.

Part of the description bothers me, war brewing, not with the dragons or pegasi, but with ponies. Aren't Pegasi ponies as well?

There are a few typos and you need to indent your paragraphs. Other than that, very good and very promising so far.

>>12159391215939

Well, that's what I get for typing the description at 1:40 in the morning. Thanks and fixed

You certainly have my attention. I am a vivid reader of fantasy novels myself, so all of the random names and whatnot are not as confusing for me-- I know that within the next few chapters more and more will be explained. That is always how it plays out, unless you are a poor author. And, looking over your other works, I'd say you are anything BUT a poor author. I will certainly keep an eye on this story, and will probably start reading some of your other works too, to give me a small idea of what to expect.

Eagerly awaiting more.

EDIT: The only real issue I have is that you used "Cadence" instead of Cadance. I know that's just kind of my personal preference, so don't let it trouble you too much. I just like Cadance better.

I am interested... I think I will be watching this story... and looking forward to learning more about it. One thing that I would like some explanations on though is, what is the Heart, exactly? And is Twilight still really good at magic, or more of the scientist/bookie side of her? Of course this is all the 1st chapter and there's plenty of time for character development as it goes along... which of course could prob be fit in pretty well with Luna asking Twilight all these questions... also... how old is Twilight is something else? ...because I am expecting her to be excellent at magic I'm not sure she'd be Cellestia's personal maid (unless this was done to keep the student part quiet... cause... you know taking an orphan as a personal student wouldn't sit well with a lot of nobles) if Twilight was excellent at magic. So because I'm expecting that kinda thing rather than the maid thing I'm placing Twi as more of a filly than where she would be in FiM.

However, I am very much enjoying the story and this alternate universe. Keep up the good work please!  

The small black sheep roared

Another sheep runs the kitchen?  I double checked for the "A Slice of Life" tag, I smirked a bit at the reference (if there was any).

Noticed a couple other references as well.  Considering I was left wanting, I suppose I shall follow this literary work.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_smile.png

I'm pretty sure that when you end one dialog paragraph and begin another with the same speaker, you shouldn't end the previous paragraph with a quotation.

Pony A said "Blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah blah blah," he finished.

Other than that, I'd try to keep it in one paragraph, unless it's getting too long.

Huh. Expected a antagonistic relationship between the two Princesses but that doesn't seem to be the case. Lovely writing as well. Definitely going to watch this.

This is so exciting so far, I can;t wait to read more <3

Going to save my guesses for who's related to who for later.

Although, it's pretty easy to figure out what my guess for Twilight's mother is even though its doubtful it will end up happening.  (hint: it's not Celestia)

Is the sheep's real name Say, and to distinguish him from the pony named Say, they call him "the Ram Say"?

This is a very interesting story.

And with a great concept.

I love to read this story.

GJ and keep writing plz.

>>12112541211254

And he just got banned for firsting.

Any time you see a FIRSTer, just email Poultron with the link to the story and he'll smite them.

>>12115171211517 *Reads Description*

Is this story non-canon? Cause Twilight does have a mother.

This one right here. >>>

Image: http://images.wikia.com/mlp/images/9/97/Twilight_Sparkle%27s_Mom.jpg

>>12189281218928

Hence the alternate universe tag.

>>12190321219032 Oh...of course silly me.

Image: http://cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-rcrown.png

>>12190461219046

I've done far sillier.

This trend for characters not to be siblings is kinda weird. Do ponies still reproduce via mirrors here or something?

uh twilight does have parents and a brother just saying

but if it's supposed to be like that then great story

>>12215251221525

Alternate Universe e.g not the same universe the show takes place in, therefore, canon is whatever the author decides it is, in this story, twilight is an orphan.

>>12199211219921 I Think the whole Not sibling things is thus: Celestia and Luna ARE Siblings, But it isn't Common Knowledge. The main point of divergance between this World and The Show's Canon is that Luna Didn't try and throw the world into eternal night, but relations between her and Celestia just got chillier and chillier over a Thousand years, until the point they're Cordial to one another and try to keep out of One another's way, but no-one would know them to be related. Shining and Twilight, I can't tell. Maybe Shining is Genetically Twilight's elder Brother and through sheer coincidence or Shenanigans He took up that role for her anyways beleiving themselves to be unrelated to eachother, or maybe he's not. We'll have to wait and see who Twilight's Parents are in this Universe. This is just Geusswork, of course, so I could be WRANG, but I'll be a Little disapointed if the only similarities between this and Canon are Characters who share the same names

>>12159391215939 Nope. They're a kind of Turkey. The Pegasi in FiM Canon just where false front legs to blend in with Ponies

>>12165101216510 Also Nations should have an Apostrophy and you follow a comma with an And at one point

>>12221451222145 Or it's a bold AU with a lot of changes, starting with various ponies not being related, unicorn Cadance being or not being nobility - because certainly not royalty - ending with Celestia and Luna ruling not Equestria, not halves of Equestria, but one city-fortress each because the world is just that hostile.

Also, what's up with people looking for points of divergence with non-For Want Of A Nail AUs? The point of AUs is that the world was never the same.

Anyway, Fridge Logic - I can see there needed to be established that Celestia has something important in her chambers but really? This implies Celestia would not kill the lot of them for marching onto her territory let alone breaking into her fortress and killing their way into her chambers. And that totally doesn't fit.

>>12242511224251

Well, do you really think Celestia would resort to violence unless it was the last possible solution?

And what is For Want of a Nail?

>>12256031225603 ...You are seriously saying Celestia would not murder the shit out of a bunch of dragons slaughtering their way through her city.

Aside form discussions of what is in-character for Celestia, I was under the impression that this is a more feudal type of setting, where rulers hold power by killing all threats to the population and their domains are defined by how close you can get before they target you for killing. I mean, you didn't contradict me on "Celestia and Luna ruling not Equestria, not halves of Equestria, but one city-fortress each because the world is just that hostile". Ponies wouldn't huddle in fortresses if the threats were nice enough to negotiate with, so the reason anyone lives in Helios is because it's in the middle of Celestia's kill radius.

For Want Of A Nail is a trope where one event goes different and all changes stem from there.

For want of a nail, the shoe was lost;

For want of a shoe, the horse was lost;

For want of a horse, the rider was lost;

For want of a rider, the message was lost;

For want of the message, the battle was lost;

For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost,

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

That last part it reminded me of some the conversations between the patrician and Sam Vimes

Also great story

>>12218081221808 oh ok thx 4 telling me

>>12273111227311

no problem

>>12242511224251 Heh, I suppose that's true. I'm just Used to For Want of a Nail AUs rather than the Alternative, so that's where my mind goes first

>>12256031225603 For want of a Nail basically means that at some point, a Small change Begat More Changes, until the end product is not quite (or not at all) like the original whatsoever. Say, For Instance, Princess Celestia Never took up Tea. That'd mean It'd have been less likely to catch on to the Public Interest,  There'd be less Demand for it, There wouldn't be Trade Agreements between Equestria and wherever The Tea is grown (I'll Assume the Zebra Homeland) And as Such, Relations between the Two places wouldn't be as strong. Assuming that it's the Good Relations which allow for an open Border, Then Without them, There'd be No Zecora living in the Everfree. Without Zecora, Twilight wouldn't know the Cause of Spike's Greed Growth and Shenanigans would've occured. There'd be Lots of other effects and lots and lots of other ways it could go as well, but that's a very simple Line

I read this really late none the less, it was a good read through and through..

(probably should have finished 3 days ago when I started)

>>12256031225603

Since others have explained the trope, may I ask if this is a self-contained AU or one where (and a more avid TVTroper might be able to tell me what this is called) a character, presumably Twilight, will discover that things are "wrong" and need to be fixed?

Hm. This one isn't for me, I think. The universe is just much too different. It's not really an MLP story anymore, more of a story all it's own, with recognizable characters as a homage. Just not what I was looking for, sorry

I need more. I like observing Twilight being best pony. Which is always.

I don't get it, what is up with the title? I was thinking of something but I'm probally wrong

Whoa. This looks amazing. I can't wait to find out where you're going with this!

Sorry about how long this took to get up. I wrote two short stories, messed with another idea, and rewrote this, all before deciding to post the original. hopefully the next chapter wont take 22 days.

Hugs and Kisses.

Nadake

PS: Here, have a pic, which I stole with neither the knowledge nor consent of the creator, SierraEx on DA.

Image: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/028/c/3/woona_stuck_by_sierraex-d4nuvqf.png

That chapter, and this story on the whole, is bloody brilliant.

Really fantastic.

I have so many questions. I love your prose, but it's still far to early to get any sort of handle on the general plot of the story or the world your building.

I'm curious as to a few things though, Twilight is rather poor at magic, having never had a teacher? Yet, she is highly placed due to being handmaiden to Celestia. Why would that be a position of nobility? Traditionally, handmaidens (handmares I guess?) would simply be a higher class of servant, but nothing more than that. But regardless... nobody could teach her magic? Do ponies still have cutie marks in your world?

A good chapter for, so far, a good story. Here's to hoping for more such chapters.

Hmm.

Hrm. A great alternative universe you're building here.

Okay, it feels like we're going down the "Celestia is Twilight's mother" road. (the last part really seemed suggestive.) Although wouldn't it be wild if Luna actually turned out to be the mother? I really like this theme in stories, not explored enough if you ask me. Keep it up!

Luna's also opening the floor for suitors to court her? Y'know, this is an idea that I haven't really seen done before. (The whole concept of courtly love.) So this is gonna be a hoot to watch.

As to how Twilight fits into all of this we have yet to see, but you can be sure I'm liking what I'm reading and await the next chapter :D. Excellent job!

Oh my!

I love your style! Your fiction is a special one.

Although the story is AU, three main characters (PL, PC, TS) still keep their good personalities.

I'll keep reading. GJ!

I'd lean towards Luna being Twilight's mother, except for the flirtatious way she acted before the council meeting. So, for the time being, I'm leaning more towards Celestia being Twilight's mother, and Cadence a guise she assumes in an attempt to spend non-princessy time with Twi'. This is based on the idle thought Luna had when Cadence was mentioned.

Good story and an interesting AU. I look forward to more!

My thought is that Cadence is Lunas daughter.

For Twilight i really am not sure, is there some chance that the child of an Alicorn is born mortal or not, if yes then i would say Celestia being Twilight's Mother. Why would a Princess take on an orphan, the nobility complaining and it causing instability the first year(s) is the issue. So there must be some reason.

It was not specified what race the mother is thought so it could be anyone, maybe Evergreen.

I like the way you wright it's an old style that I haven't seen in a long time and you're doing a very good job of it.

Anyways this is a very well executed idea and I look forward to more

So the question is who is Twilights mother, I am betting it is Celestia, because Luna was giving off some shipping vibes earlier, especially in the very amusing plot wiggling scene.

an upadate?

this is one of the best constructed au's i have ever seen. keep it up!

I'm curious as to who Twi's mother was supposed to be too. Both Celestia and Luna would be good contenders. Though, the 'to keep her safe' bit seems to imply that the situation is a bit more volatile. From the story description, it seems like Luna's realm is more volatile than Celestia's. Plus, they both kissed Twilight's forehead in the same way, and Luna's teaching Twilight magic, like a 'mother' should. The vague shipping/attraction bits do through a wrench in that though.

I still don't understand why Twi wouldn't have learned magic from Celestia if she's been with her for a long time. There must be more to their relationship if that's the case.

OH GOD!

My feels like where this is going.

Story: Awesome, can't wait for more.

Woona Stuck: Daaaaaaw!

I like this. Indeed I do. Where can I put my stuff? Im moving in with you Nadake.

I'm betting on it being neither sister as her mother but a person of similar rank or at least of grand influence.  I get the whole hostage vibe from things concerning Twilight.  

It took me a little bit of time to try and remember the story, I should have gone back and reread the 1st chapter but that's my mistake, not the authors. Anyways, I'm very much enjoying the story and looking forward to reading more of it. Don't worry about it taking a long time to get a chapter out, just get it how you want it.

Personally I'm suddenly really interested in who Twilight's "mother" is, the character whom the chapter ended with. I, like many others am at the moment guessing Celestia. However, I haven't ruled out anyone at the moment. I am looking forward to reading more of this story though, and I think the idea of "Courtly Love" is a great idea to explore seeing as how it really hasn't been explored by FiM writers I think. At least I haven't seen any.

>>13305321330532

Glad you posted though, even if late.  I just need to reread the first chapter to get an idea of ages.  Also, the subtle hints that Luna is Twilight's mother but possibly could not be has my brain running in circles.  Especially since Shining Armor and Twilight are not related in your universe.

I also noticed some grammar errors and missing words, I can reread through this to see if I can find them again.