This has already been done before.

good job bro keep it up!

This is amusing, and has potential. Now, flesh it out starting from the point where he's finally in Equestria, it started feeling really rushed from then on.

>>12057251205725

True, as well as in Stone Cold. However, in Becoming Chaos, Discord is completely evil and he's still stuck in stone while he's shaping a second body for himself. In Stone Cold, he shoved the human into his statue for an indefinite period of time before ... Paradox ... broke out, and is now hunting Discord down for having snatched him from earth and the aforementioned statue shoving while he was punching Discord.

Meanwhile, this is a completely voluntary, lottery chosen dude taking Discord's place so he can retire from the position of "Embodiment/Spirit of Chaos"

Is the picture of a giant game of candy land? Because that's what it looks like to me.

>>12057621205762

If you're referring to the prologue then I agree it does seem rushed. I'm having trouble figuring out how to improve it though.

>>12057251205725

Most things have in this fandom, if you break it down. My story will not be like that one in particular though just by looking at the tags.

Is it odd that that was the first thing that popped into my mind when Disy suggested something chaotic?

It's Discord, 'nuff said.

Image: http://static1.fjcdn.com/comments/That%2Btruly%2Bis%2Ba%2Bfunny%2Bway%2Bto%2Bspell%2Bdiscord%2Banyways-%2B_2c5ab6dc0743fb443dad0aa53fbbe981.png

Chaos can either be Good or Evil by the will of the user or neither if that is what is wanted.  Would be interesting to see some of Discords living projects (I.E. Screwball for certain) flock to your character to assist if needed.  If you need any OCs take a look over my blog (Got a lot to choose from).  Liking the story so far and faving it to see where it goes.

Good start to the story. I particularly enjoyed him traveling back in time a few seconds.

OH god, this is great, seriously, I have not been so exited for something in a while, this is going to be intense and super amazing. If you do it right that is... Let's just hope you do (AKA my jimmies are russled)

>>12059261205926Not at all. Is it wierd that when he mentioned something chaotic, I thought burn the gardens?

Going along with what Darksoul said, any OC's needed and you could contact me. Me and my 3 friends are chaos incarnate, and I'm sure any of em including me would be delighted to be included in your story,

>>12057251205725 So~ people do the same ideas for stories all the time but sometimes more of a idea is good

Chaos is not good or evil. It's neutral like force of nature. Can bring good and happines, can bring doom and death. Usually both of this thing and I hope that our new chaos "god" will find out on his own skin that even his power can work...well chaotic even for him.

>>12064911206491 I was thinking about rubbing a pony in Discord's face. And then build a house out of comics.

>>12067721206772Nice. Not destructive, but definitely chaotic.

An interesting idea, if you would only slow the f down!

I mean, it's understandable if you were going for the whole 'impulsive chaos' thing, but the pacing still pretty annoying.

What we're essentially getting is the characters thoughts and narration...And nothing. Else.

Not that there's anything wrong with internal musings since 'Through the Eyes of Another Pony' does a lot of that- and it's as funny as hell- but there's other stuff mixed in so that it doesn't become stale quickly.

If you took the time to describe things a bit more, you wouldn't have the main character jumping around from scene to scene in the blink of an eye.

And that would be much more preferable.

Chaos is like the plague to Equestria

So many over reactions

Paradox? Well, there's not really anything contradictory about him, I think.

How about Chance? Unpredictable but certainly not evil.

oh i love your work, ones your fimfic is done is it ok if i have it print(like in a book) i do it to story i like and add it to my collection

I want MOAR ....so how often will you be uploading?

I like the idea, and although the character seems a bit bland at first I can see him becoming very interesting.

However there are some troubling aspects about the more technical portions of the story.

You don't differentiate between thoughts and the narrative and given that Celestia's portion is in the third person it makes for some awkward and confusing reading. You also do not mark where Celestia's perspective switches to Paradox's. The pace seems rushed and there is very little description or introspection aside from the bare minimum. You did what was necessary, but not much else.

All in all this story, and you as an author, have a metric derp-ton of potential but it's going to take some work and practice in both cases to reach that goal. I will favorite this for now  and look forward to the next chapter.

You need to be less ambiguous with your narration. E.g. Is it meant to be 1st person or 3rd person?

And when your'e swapping between perspectives, use a page-break.

Aside from that, it wasn't too bad.

...I still don't know whether or not you got the name 'Paradox' from the fic 'Stone Cold'.

I'm liking this so far. The first chapter was a little weird and rushed, with no descriptive elements outside the main characters thoughts. This one still seems a little fast, and I was confused a bit at the Meeting of the princesses and Paradox. Not like I'm an expert or anything, but I would suggest painting a more comprehensive picture. If you could get more of whats going on in a particular moment described this would be much better.

Bring down the Tyrant! Down with Celestia!

Interesting twist to a HIE story :D

He should've made his case a bit differently, methinks. Really, all he had to do was remind them Discord was the spirit of disharmony more than chaos, and that he'd be different, but nooo- he just had to mess that up.

Also, slow down a bit my friend, you're doing fine; no need to rush things!

Changlings

What's a changling? An Asian changeling or something?

Hold up a second.

So he saw Cadance and figured out that, and I quote,

Holy crap it's Cadance! That means the Changling invasion hasn't happened yet! I've got to hurry, this is the best chance I've got to get to Discord.

*It's changeling, btw

So, not even five minutes later:

You guys were literally just invaded and you've already dropped your guard?

Plus all of those craters from the bombardment of Changlings

...Well, did it happen or not? Either way, the story started off just fine but then quickly spiraled into madness. What was up with the 'race-to-Discord'? I actually had to pause and start over just to try and figure out what was happening in-between the "AAAAAHHH!" and the "OH BURNING CELESTIA ON HER THRONE OF PAIN!".

I mean, so far the story seems pretty interesting, but that was... bad. It's like the pacing of the story suddenly forgot how fast it was going before and assumed the best way to resume its job was to sprint as fast as its little legs could carry it!

yea...ok waiting for next chapter.

Didn't think paradox would be this much of a dumbass but ok.

faved

I have this giddy smile on my face after reading this and wondering whats going to happen

First chapter: Interesting. Humorous. Wall-of-text problem. Moderate grammar problems. Major punctuation problems. Spelling good. Rushed. Moderate structural problems. POV problem.

Overall, not good, but forgivable and fixable.

Second chapter: Not as interesting as previous chapter. Not much humor. Slightly less of a wall-of-text problem. Minor to moderate grammar problems. Moderate punctuation problems. Spelling still good. Again, rushed, worst at the end. Minor structural problems. Lessened POV problem.

Overall, in the technical aspects it is better, but it is a weaker chapter if you look at how it is rushed and how the plot could be expanded. The ending in particular could have provided enough plot and humour to extend it several times over, it is much too abrupt. The main character needs more defining characteristics, other than "impulsive moron on a power trip".

All in all, a fic that requires a technical overhaul and a slower approach, but shows much promise, none the less.

You silly person - Discord doesn't have any hair, just a goatee and eyebro...

Oh. Um...

...

...

...

Wait.  That says heir.

...

...

...

Well that makes more sense. Excuse me...

*Washes glasses*

  

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png

>mfw this gets the feature box and This does not.

(I made a vow to paste this on every short (but not necessarily terrible or poorly written) and silly featured fanfic until this one guys epic 80,000+ masterpiece gets featured. No offense to the author. Although I think this fic absolutely did not deserve a feature. sorry dude.)

As always obligatory psychedelic vinyl scratch to draw attention shamelessly.

Image: http://denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7702-67691__safe_animated_vinyl-scratch_artist-efrejok_artist-paultorsynocobnik.gif

Meh, slightly interested.  Be watching for now

No my problem. No should be now and im good on the speed

>>12077191207719

Indeed.

Indeed, indeed...

It feels rushed, but I really enjoyed this and it has a great potential.

What will everyone in Equestria think about the fact Discord has decided to retire and give his position as spirit of chaos to someone else? Will Paradox become more infamous and feared than Discord was? What kind of chaos will Paradox cause?

Am I the only person who read this like Yahtzee would?

Image: http://www.demotivationalposters.org/image/demotivational-poster/0903/zero-punctuation-zero-punctuation-yahtzee-demotivational-poster-1237283783.jpg

I've had this thought before for a story. Never figured it would gain much ground.

>>12074681207468 I may or may not see nightmares of that...

i thank you anyway

Eh, this story's okay, not great but by all means not the worst story I've ever read.

Your grammar lacks proper punctuation in the way of comas, your thoughts aren't edited with italics so they tend to run together with sentences, your style lacks the necessary detail on scene transitions to be totally recognizable at certain points (primarily in the first chapter) and you let your paragraphs generally run a little bit longer than necessary, making them quite wordy.

On the other hand, your story arcing seems to be fairly solid and your have excellent sentence structure... Honestly if you just got a great pre-reader on this then I could actually see myself reading future updates of this a lot more easily.

So, like I said... not great, but by all means not awful.

...Slightly creeped out by making out with the Discord statue, also, could you try to separate thoughts and actual dialogue better? It is sort of blurred together. Good job though!

Good job, but a few suggestions. Could you try getting Celestia into character more? it seems like she is a bit out of character, and the line between dialogue and though is still blurry. Also, need any Pre-readers?

I give this story an 11/8 because

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

indeed. Grammar and sentence structure need brushing up, you shift from first to third person.... and you seem to be in a rush to get the first two chapters done. Slow down, take time, and let the pacing unfold naturally.

I shall watch.

It feels like its movIng really fast, but I like the idea. Can't wait to see where this goes.

>>12058481205848

Yes. Yes, that's what it looked like. I nostalgia'd. I loved that game when I was little, played it all the time with my cousins. We'd eat fudgesicles while traversing "fudge mountain"; I don't remember what it was really called, but that's close enough. I do remember it looked like fudgesicles though.

It's been a very long time. Wonder if I even still have it?

>>12073721207372

Have you run diagnostics of your visual navigation software and hardware lately?

It might help with mistakes like that in the future.

[/robot joke]

>>12070681207068

The changling invasion was happening as he was wandering through the crystal mines under canterlot - he saw Cadance and Twilight escaping, which is the first quote, and when he finally emerges he has the next two quotes.

As for the race to discord, he's battered, beaten, and all-around in bad shape. So he needs to get to the statue quickly before he faints and gets discovered.

Jeez Celestia. He made gemstone flowers, was honest, and did not do anything bad (insulting maybe but not bad) and you order him to be turned to stone? Great way to open negotiations. He said he would bring chaos, not rule with it.

Haven't read it yet, still planning to, just wanted that no matter what, for some reason, I always read the title "Discord's HAIR". Despite having realized my mistake I still really want to read my original misunderstanding

HOLY MOTHER OF PARADOX WE NEEDS MOAR!!!1!111!

Just what will Discord do in his retirement? I mean, do we REALLY expect him to just stop being chaotic, powers or otherwise?

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I MUST READ.

yeah and the reason why YOUR story is better is because it's NOT dark, evil, tragic, sad, F#$%@ UP, blood/gore/guts, etc.  It's serious but still light-hearted enough without putting me in a downer mood.  off to a good start in my opinion!  let the madness BEGIN!!!! MWAAAHAHAHAAAA!!!!  

Oh almost forgot, this is an appropriate time for the Evil Laugh of the intro'd villain of the hour

It seems a little rushed in places, but not bad overall.  There is really not much else to say, but a little chaos should be good fun.

Favorited, because I like where this is going!

>>12058121205812 You're logic, it is too much!

First, but only because I was up reading.

Holy shit, that many words

A thousand and a bit, a thousand and a bit, BOOM, its over 6000.

The princesses feel out of character.  They're far too quick to resort to lethal attacks. Or attacks at all, given how nonthreatening he was being. And they continued using lethal attacks after he told them the mane six were perfectly safe. It really comes across as an instance of the Conflict Ball being passed around.

Celestia: "Diplomacy? Never heard of it. TURN THE SUCKER TO STONE!"

Celestia: "What's this? He's resisting my attempt to eternally imprison him for what he MIGHT do? Better bust out the ol' death ray!"

Ok number 1, because this bothers me. The CMC were the flowergirls. 2: you misspelled acre. And I forgot the error around where twi looks into the crystal ball.

Nice story. FlutterDash

>>12067961206796

Thanks for the advice. I'll try and work on that for later chapters.

>>12068771206877

Go for it!

>>12068881206888

I'm not sure. I'll try my best though!

>>12073581207358

For the Prologue I was going for what I believe is called a 'stream of consciousness'. Basically I was writing exactly what the character was thinking. Or was trying to really.

For the first chapter I'm trying to think of some ways to slow it down to lose that rushed feeling. Nothing leaps to mind though so it'll stay as is for now.

>>12074681207468

I actually agree with you on this getting the feature box. I'm happy about it, don't get me wrong. But at this stage it shouldn't have gotten up there.

>>12077191207719

>>12085241208524

Yeah I originally was writing this in open office. When I transferred it over I didn't realize that the italics didn't make it. I've gone back and hopefully fixed it.

Hmm I didn't think I had Celestia out of character. What do you mean? Pre-readers are always welcome!

>>12092351209235

In my mind chaos is one of the few things that Celestia is actually afraid of.

This sums up my reaction to this chapter:

"~"

Yay . I like where this is going.CHAOS FOR THE WIN!!...I just realized, love is chaotic.Good luck explaining that one to cadence.

Awesome chapter!

Well except for the whole poisoning and nearly killing her part, not bad at all! In fact, VERY clever! Very clever indeed what you did to the ponies.

:>>12111241211124

  Death Rays are Cool

Image: http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4018/4677925401_0a590eaf52_m.jpg

Human with Discord's powers? Dis interests me...

You didn't rush with the plot, good. Slight grammar errors, but nothing bad.

Keep writing, I want to know what happens next.

>>12112291211229

FAIR ENOUGH.

Discord got nothing on my home boy Paradox

>>12111241211124 While I agree that it is a bit out of character to act so rashly, I can help but think that the threat of discords escape and sudden disappearance of the mane six(especially Twilight) would be cause enough to attack. Even for someone as calm and reserved as Celestia, after all, this is their greatest enemy and I can't imagine that Celestia has never fought before.

For some reason I want to look up that M. Bison Discord gif and put it here, but... meh, too lazy, and I never played the game/watched the show (if there was one)

So instead, take all my yes!

Also also, it's Sweetie Belle.

>>12067721206772 Funny thing that, I was thinking pull a baseball bat out of hammer space and smash some statues.... Kinda fun reading these ideas =3

So paradox trapped rarity in a paradox.

i like this already

first i was then then

Great chapter love what Paradox has done with the mane six. How long until their able to get back? What kind of chaos will Paradox cause in the mean time? What will everypony's reactions be like when they realize Paradox was telling the truth about Discord retireing and making him his heir?

>>12115951211595 You just got PARADOXED!!!:

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png

>>12111241211124 Remember chrysalis as soon as she told her plans out come the magical rays

>>12115421211542 Everyone seems to have his own idea of randomness.

I was a bit worried at the start of the story,but this chapter has definetly captured my future interest in this story. Keep up the good work....Or else

Pardadox  

This chapter is well thought out, with the Mane 6 situations and Paradox seems like an interesting character. Eager for more

this is cool.

Paradox is much better than Discord.

God this is so amusing.

I'm enjoying this :D

>>12112111211211 I suspect this will be her reaction:

Image: http://scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw4756_small.jpg

Anyway, I am LOVING this story. It's so damn lulzy. Also, Rarity is in charge of creating Equestria?

Image: http://capital2risk.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/yep-were-screwed.gif

>>12111241211124 Well, considering that this was immediately after the wedding, where her castle had been infiltrated, they'd all been fooled by Chrysalis, the princesses had been beaten and they very nearly lost, having Discord, who was by far the worst enemy she'd faced, return immediately afterwards and so quickly from his previous banishment then magic away the Elements would probably be a bit trying on her patience.

i like this idea. wall of text and some uncharacteristic princesses but still good. I give 4 derpys out of 5.

Too powerful, too fast. He should have taken at least a moment to, you know, ADAPT to his phenomenal cosmic powers. Seeing as they're chaotic they should have given him at least a little trouble.

He's also a cipher. You think his human past is boring--- unfortunately, a character's past, their origins, is what makes them what they are. But you've left him without any past, any origin, any motivations. Not even his own original name!

The stream of consciousness bit didn't work.

>>12115421211542  I thought he should flip off the next pony he saw.  Extra points if its Celestia.