Steel and circuits made her body strong and her heart cold. But what is she without this shell? If you stripped away the facade, what would be left to save?
A Conversion Bureau story.
Not bad so far (but who am I to judge). Its just the main character sound like the T-82 out of terminator (I'm sure there has to be humanity left in it). But keep it up.
It's different. I like it :)
Thanks alot you two :D
Really this is one big experiment for me, and its likely to turn into an abomination by the end. But if you have any suggestions on how I can improve (whether it be the plot itself, the characterizations or my writing) just holler and I'll endeavor to work from any critique!
Yay! I am glad you are raging on the page, writing into the night, and letting loose the words like a flock of beautiful birds.
This should prove to be an interesting premise, and I am looking forward to it!
Dun Dun DUUUUUU. Is the sound that played in my head at the end.
Keep it up.
There are a few places where you picked the wrong word, and I'm not sure if you intentionally left out punctuation when 'Sarah' speaks, but you did. Other than that, do as NaNoWriMo does and come back after it's finished.
What you need to do, seriously, is make sure you have the entire story mapped out as at least one-sentence phrases for each chapter until the last one. With that, at least, you will not fail. I know it's boring, I never want to do it and have only once so it is definitely not a case of practicing what you preach (I will, though, in future, attempt to do just that).
I'm so glad everyone seems to be enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it
>>127771127771 Yeah, you’ll find that with any of my writing. MS spellchecker is wonderful and all, but it doesn’t help if you can't tell the difference between two phonetically similar words. Chaty already pointed out a rather embarrassing error between ‘Bald’ and ‘Balled’, which I’ve hurriedly changed If you spot any others, I’d be eternally grateful if you could just point me too them.
Also; Curse your good ideas! They do so complicate matters Started mapping the story as you suggested… developed a posible twelve chapters of material, two plottwists and four new major characters from Celestia knows where. *Cracks knuckles and looms over keyboard* Let the madness comence!
Found this story through Midnight's page, really enjoying it so far, excellent pacing. Tracking to see what happens next
Gunfights and Equestria showing up? An excellent chapter Cherry, looking forward to the next
Superlative, Cherry! I await the next chapter with breathless antici....
>>141570141570 BREATHE CHAT BREATHE!!!
man, I'm starting to worry that when I write my own CB fic that I'll be a tiny tiny sapling in the forest of giants like this, all of Chat's, Midnight's, Hurricane's, so on and so forth
im depressed now... i cant write like this...
Oh yes, I'm definitely liking this. I can guess what Equestria showing up means... move 'em out!
Well all I can say is that the seat I am sitting on, I am only using the edge of it in anticipation of the next chapter and also 'comrade dies, ask leader for his shoes.' GENIUS! but please keep on writing.
>>141587141587 All saplings grow into trees.
Y u no update?
Can I has update?
I can't wait to find out how the android will fare at the bureau.
Oh noes! Its thursday! IMGONABETARDY!
Its coming I swear! I've just been too busy making fish. No, really, I'm making clay fish for an art project. See THIS is why you need to go on an art and design course, cus you get to make all sorts of weird stuff and pass it off as art
Thats a terrable ending for a chapter, but my brain's about to overheat and it'll have to do if I want to have this out on time
It's not a terrible ending at all, I like it!
Aww thanks hun *hugs*
>>162321162321 No problem *hugs back* besides, ending it the way you did makes me want to read the next chapter even more xD.
Would have added that to the last comment, but was in the middle of boiling spinach bugger of a pot tried to boil over on me too heh
The ending works well, and the descriptions were excellent.
"woman who would be his doom, back to the girl who had been his headache." Nice. I liked that. And plasta-crete. [Bow and tip of the hat]
Did... did Equestria just rip a whole in the sky and swallow a city?
This is your best chapter yet, although yes a wee bit short, but length isn't everything (that's what she said - haha! I kid... so sad... ahem).
As much as I hate conversion buru stories, This particular blend of retardation takes the cake. Why are all conversion buru fans autistic and socially inept? why do they ALL make such stupid stories....*sigh...
Thanks Chaty. Action isn't exactly my forte so I'm glad it engaged someone.
Yes, yes it did.
As for length, I actualy really stuggled with this chapter. Given I don't normaly write action aurientated scenes longer then a few paragraphs I found myself repeating words and similies allover the place x.x Though I mentioned originally that I wanted to get each chapter above one thousand words, I'm kinda aiming for above 2k words atm as less than that doesn’t exactly feel like a chapter. If I could go back I think I’d actually combine those first two, given that nothing really happens within either of them.
Not sure if lol worthy Good effort though.
1. yay! and update and might I say me like. 2. Da fuu just happened at the end... Wait are their two robots now... Where do they get the implants from and all that metal or do they just push him into an Auto-Doc from Fallout. Or are they like Cybermen if so then I'm going to cower in the corner for a bit since those thing scare me S**tless.
I... um. Yeah, when the negative comments aren't even in proper English any punch they're supposed to have is quite lost.
Personally I'm waiting to find out more about the rather strange cyborg, I like that whatever she has become, however it happened, it's far more in-depth than swapping flesh for plastic.
I couldn't be happier to be honest, my first troll! When people actually think I'm worth trying to insult, it shows I'm making some serious headway I shall ware that comment with pride.
As for Sarah, you're quite right about it being a lot more complicated than a simple body swap. We should be finding out more about her come the next chapter, as it will be exploring the cast and their interactions now that they're fully established.
Eeehehe thanks Bannana! Hmm, not sure what you mean about there being two cyborgs, that’s a pretty huge error on my part if you've picked that up Sarah went after Tristan when he ran, with the intent of ending his threat to the convoy. Out of interest what part in particular gave you the impression of there being a second one? I probably need to address it asap
So their aren't two Cybermen (good now I can leave the panic room)... I mean cyborgs. Ok well keep on writing.
Down it goes again. I'd agree that anything above two point five is a bit much, but I dearly wish people would leave comments as to their star rating. There's no way I can improve without constructive criticism
well my good sir, I can't really fault you on grammar. However,
1. I disliked the overall plot. you can't really improve this other then deleting the story.
2.The first chapter was a bit vague for my liking, I couldn't really understand what was going on in any high detail. what I did preen form it and correct me if I'm wrong, but it was about some kind of apocalyptic war being waged from the perspective of a cyborg who turns suicidal and gives up, wanting to become a pony which in it'self is ridiculous (the becoming a pony part).
3. I get that humanity has went to shit in your story, but it doesn't make sense as to why? why are the humans waging war, why are pony's converting people into pony's (wtf, where did this ass-backwards concept even come from).
I understand this IS a story, but you've completely butchered human nature, we do not think like they do in the story naturally, few individuals think like this (psychopaths), and it's usually due to upbringing. The fact is if humans behaved this way we'd never had developed civilization in the first place.
second of all, you portray humans as selfish and greedy, AND yet there is a war going on...let me explain why this is bullschitt:
selfish and greedy people would not go to war because they'd have this kind of thinking "what if we waged war and nobody else turned up, I'd be fucked" and so nobody would turn up, they'd presume others would go off and die for a cause while they save their own skin.
The main reason WE as a people wage war is because we are un-selfish, we go and die for queen and country, selflessly throwing away our lives so that others may live and prosper in the ultimate act of altruism. soldiers fight and die to save others, it's based on the same principle of why YOU open doors for people out of an instinct to make friends.
It's evolution really, if sacrificing for the good of the group makes the group fitter as a whole, then those selfless people are more likely to survive while the selfish die off due to lower numbers. We have a deeply ingrained instinct to group up and sacrafice for the greater good of the group, the group reflects upon our selves and so we begin to view that group (be it tribal or on a civilization's level) as a part of ourselves to the point we're willing to die for the cause.
Selfish individuals on the other hand have no such desire to die for a cause and only care about themselves, ergo if everyone was as selfish and greed as your story portrays then there would be no war because nobody would want to risk there own skin.
Not to mention the large organisations that presumably run the planet would have little to gain by doing this and a lot more to gain by working peacefully due to the massively greater amount of resources not taken up by the war, ergo for greedy people in charge, war is not really an option.
^^^all of this (point number 3) is a plot hole. fix it.
There you are, you have your criticism. Go improve it (preferably by deleting this fic).
There’s a lot of wasted potential here Duckling. Let’s look back at that comment and see where we could improve.
Opening comments were nicely vague but clashes with the previous post with driving positivity. Investigation into the material at hand shows through with an added quip on gender which, while alluding to the possibility of implied inanity, is executed too poorly to be noticed above the following unintentional compliment.
First volley was an interesting choice, moving straight for a generic implication rather then something more subtle. Remember you’re still trying to hook your audience at this point, luring them towards an emotional outburst. Simply presenting the retort shows both a lack of cunning and patience in your work.
On the other hand, the second comment was first class. You’ve shown knowledge the source material and carefully thought through the insult to just below the radar. Preceding this with a more seditious line of argument would have worked wonders, but it stands alone; an island of whit in a sea of ineptitude.
Sadly a return to the norm within the third paragraph; a meandering rant that is entirely out of place. Far too long winded and expressing no relation to the material, this appears to be an attempted intellectual argument against the Conversion Bureau setting in general. While thought out in a philosophical sense, this fails to suitably engage the reader and remains out of context with the rest of the post.
Lastly we come to the meat and bones of any troll; Timing.
As in comedy as in tragedy, timing is everything Duckling. Despite its short comings and rambling, if this had been placed as your initial post to the comments, it would have been in an ideal position for maximum impact. However, it is left overshadowed by the previous poorly applied manner. Not only have you allowed your audience to grow indifferent to your opinions, you have also revealed that you care enough to follow both the updates to the story and the subsequent comments; a travesty of weakness on your part I’m afraid.
All in all, I found your review entertaining in the pejorative sense and will watch your future career with disinterest
well I'm going to take the bait and reply to your counter-trolling by stating well done. I've been pwnd and am fairly butthurt.
However you would not have taken so much and effort to construct that argument and state all of my flaws if you were not at least somewhat angered yourself. If you didn't care you would not have replied. so I consider it at least a partial success.
I bid you good day sir.
I'm glad we can both take something away from this little tête à tête.
Seriously though, as my first troll on fimfic, you will always have a special place in my heart Duckling. Thankyou
Huh... So chapter five is at 1.5k words and isn't even half way done yet
I'll have it finished before I head to bed tonight, come hell or high water.
12:41 and FINALY submitted
I had been wondering if something like this would happen. Though it does raise the point well of just how ephemeral a thing it is that separates a human from an AI (if it exists at all, or is simply something that we believe is there but can't actually perceive)
An excellent chapter Cherry, keep em coming
“We don’t rebuild people when their hurt" one error I caught, just a little one, I do that all the time.
I love playing with identity and sapience. I look forward to the next chapter.
This made me laugh far more than it should have
Also, I'm finding "Sarah" really interesting. What is she? Why is she?
...and what the flank is that big macguffin they're building with all the wires and the lights and things?
Thanks Chaty! Changed that wee error there. Sorry I haven’t been as active as normal on your current story. While I’ve been keeping up to your updates I’m kinda buried in collage work -_-‘
Anywho, as a break from the monotony of 'techniques and processes' I wanted to try something new for this next chapter on AKH
The idea is to have the same story is being told in two different places, the narrative wandering between the two at regular intervals without any distinctive scene wipe between. Kinda like a wandering camera shot.
Key to this is making the cross between the two locations as smooth as possible, without completely confusing the audiance.
I have no idea whether it’ll work at all
"...and what the flank is that big macguffin they're building with all the wires and the lights and things? "
Ahhh, can't tell you that hun. Spoilers (uses celestia in absence of Doctor Whooves emoticon)
Ah, infodump but interesting.
brain not work at 1am. Yay for new part. now I ZzzzZZzz
I am wondering if our android is going to be ponified, using what little flesh is left in that brain-box at some point. Gosh, I hope so, so tragic.
Fascinating world-building there, Cherry. I was eating that up with a spoon, but then, I am a golden-age SF nut, so I adore background details. They are the crunch that makes the cereal tasty.
Poor Salve. Chrome, what a lot to deal with.
you know what i wanna see? An!)Roi!) P0!\!1
Leave out the programming and I'd sign up for that robofication in a heartbeat.
so basically, she's spending time dead for tax reasons?
Saw an Australian, Five star and favroted. And once again a nice chapter.
Well I going to cower in the corner since you use just crated something more scary then Cyberman. Reverants, please continue to write while I try to think happy thoughts and get those walking corpus out of my head.
At least as a Revenant, she won't panic. In large, friendly letters or otherwise.
I'm gonna go ahead and slap 4.5 stars on this puppy. I love the world you're building and the way you are clearly experimenting with new ways of showing it to us. Sites like this allow us readers to watch your writing style evolve in real-time, and I'm finding your growth to be a treat. I know you set a rule for yourself that you'd not go back and edit the posted chapters - to avoid them becoming whittled-down husks of themselves - and I find it admirable. That being said, perhaps you could allow someone to go back and edit them for you post-facto? The flubs aren't major and (mercifully) don't distract from the story, but they are present. Mostly the common swaps of homophones and homonyms, but other little bugs are in there. I know there are folks on this site who can help you edit, and possess the fine-toothed combs to prove it!
TL;DR: let someone give it some spit-shine and you'll have a nice 5-star.
...For those who appreciate the genre. And aren't trolls. Or ducklings
Thank you so much Altair! That’s given me such a boost You're quite right about the issues, especially with the original two chapters. Some of them will be down to accidently swapped words from the spell checker, especially if they’re phonetically similar. Others... well I'm learning at least
After our motley crew has reached the Bureau I can probably risk combing through with a second set of eyes and start polishing ^_^
Thanks again hun!
That has been the hardest chapter yet to write >.< No idea why, just took forever to get a rythem going.