Y'know, for a school project we had to do a survey, and one of our groups had someone who said she was 600 years old and the future would be unicorns. Now look at this fic.

This is rushed times one thousand. I mean... what is going on? She winds up on Earth RED FLAG!

How? Nothing? No explanation? Really?

She meets a guy named Allen RED FLAG!

Who? What? How? When? Whhhhhhhhhhhhy?

They go to McDonald's. (No more red flags)

... kaaaaaaaaay. Also, ponies shouldn't eat meat. Even when they're humans. It just doesn't seem right.

They go home, he tells her about the show, she goes home, yadada.

Boring. That's all I can say about this. Boring and rushed.  When you really think about it, this isn't even about ponies really. Sure it has the names and stuff, but this isn't Celestia's character. Celestia is intelligent. I think she would be more worried about her country going to shit while she's gone instead of getting a burger with a guy SHE JUST MET!

I can't. This is just... ugh. Get better. Get a pre reader. I dunno. Just... ugh.

Even though it's an interesting concept, you need to follow up with it with the execution. First of all there are some simple errors like how you need to start another paragraph when a different person is talking and other issues, but the main problem is how rushed it is. When Celestia comes to earth she already knows a complete stranger's name and can walk with ease, and he isn't at all bothered about the fact that a strange woman is in his bedroom.

I think the thing you must try to do is take a good look at every single sentence you write and think, does this flow easily, can I think of a better word for that, does this entirely make sense. Yes this might take you ten times longer, but it will undoubtedly make your writing much better.

-Grape

>>12044171204417 Hey Adbot...get out.

>1k words

>complete

seems legit

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/93510029/spike.png

It is not enough for an opening but you managed to fit whole story in this.

Image: http://www.transparencyrevolution.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/sisko-facepalm.jpg

Also, the story has no sense whatsoever.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png

This is too rushed.

Allen is not freaked out by some woman that somehow appeared in his house, and when she tells him she's actually Celestia he believes her automatically. Frankly if someone told me that I would send them to a mental hospital.

Btw They serve Coke products at Mcdonalds

This was my first story, so yeah, I accept all of what you say,  I'm actually not the proudest one of this story too. :(