It's strange how a short few years can seem like such a long time ago, Twilight remembers the moment she was told the truth about her, and how she would outlive all her friends.
Hia reading now cant wait to see what happens...
Looove these types of books....
Lots of people tackle this concept, and with good reason. There are many intricacies one can explore and a lot of time can be spent exploring them. I'm disappointed to see that you decided to go with a one-shot, here. There are so many elements you've condensed, it's clear you have a solid idea of the universe you've created, but it's like you thew it at us much like a banana cream-pie to the face instead of over a 3 course meal. Seriously, this could be a solid 10-chapter story if you spent some time on each character's emotional state and cleaned up the backstory (frankly, you could probably just be rid of Candence). Chapters 1-3: Letter, Train, Arrival in Canterlot. Chapters 4-6: Party, Reveal, Backstory. Chapters 7-10: Reactions, Revelations, Epilogue. You could even write a sequel that deals with Twilight not aging, or dealing with her actual transition, staying young (and growing wings?) as her friends age around her.
Anyway, I'm rambling since it's 2:30, so apologies for that. Just wanted to say that I think you could spend more time here, even if it is a bit of a well-done topic, it's one I always like to read.
Pretty simple and take on a fanfic concept many have done, but it was done rather well. The only complaint I have is.. your refer to spike as a green dragon, he's purple.
"The Curse of Immortality" finally someone that defines immortality as what it is "a curse"
Need more discribsen. Don't trust that everyone know what next. F.exs How did they feel? And how was the trainride. Why took it a night to get to Canterlot? What did they in the trainride? What was the style of rainbows mane? You covered something when you discribe it. But not the whole thing.
Good job writing this
i agree with this, the story could be expanded to something bigger but otherwise a very good story here
i liked it... so much...
I appreciate the critique, a lot of this I can use, I was considering expanding it to be a full story, I still might. But there are certain things I need to take care of first.
Immortality is only a curse if you make it a curse.
If you live your life like you have a million years to get out of bed and brush your teeth then immortality will get really old really quick. If you stoop loving anyone because someday you will loose that person then you will never love anyone ever again and immortality will get pretty old really quick.
If you live your life like every day was a special and beautiful event that can never be replaced, that can never be duplicated then immortality is a strange and wonderful thing.
If you love your friend and lose her does this mean that you can not love her children? grandchildren? There are beautiful and wonderful people born everyday. Love the people you can while you can and accept their love in the same fashon.
Life is beautiful no matter how long or short it lasts.
*See Alicorn!Twi fic in feature box*
*Insta-click; Insta-fav; Insta-read; Insta-like*
Nope, my opinion is not biased at all.
Short and good.
I like that.
You need an editor. Hire me. Hire me NOW.NOW, DAMN YOU, NOW!
Derf... my feels... all over the floor...
It does seem kinda cramped, like you tried to fit too much content into too little space. This needs to be expanded, spaced out. Detail filled in. Grammar errors fixed. Oh, the grammar errors...
Many of the names are not capitalized like they should be. "Ya" is not a word. "Yeah" is how it is actually spelled.
It wasn't half bad. The pacing seemed a bit too fast, and it probably could have been a lot better if it wasn't a one shot. But it was good nonetheless.
Said it could do with more details and I am working on it. The story is being expanded from it's current form so think of it as a... skeleton.
You need an editor. NEED. Otherwise, I agree with the first poster. This could be so much longer.
I agree, but finding one is easier said then done.
My only gripe with this story is that Celestia says Me and Luna or Me and her, instead of the proper her and I or Luna and I. but thats it other wise it was awesome
Not a bad one-shot my friend.
I'd love to proofread.
This is an interesting story with just that message.
Maybe for the first few million years but read the above link to find out why to never wish for immortality.
This group should help you.
Path_of_Cloud recommended it.
It is a curse because you will outlast all friends and family and no precious memories can compensated the thousands of losses of them over the millennia. But we leave it at that, I always get so melancholy philosophy of this topic.
I'm not saying that everyone should wish for immortality but that guy in the story was a moron.
His first acts were simply prooving to himself he could not die then he spent the next billion years waiting to die ...
He never DID anything. That was one of my points. Did he spend a million years before getting out of bed and brushing his teeth? Nope he spent 4 million years watching continents cuddle. He is a moron who wasted 4 million years of life because he had the lifespan to waste it.
What should he have done before his universe collapsed into a singularity? Jumped ship to a paralell reality maby?
Smaller scale immortality (Celestia, Luna) is much much easier to deal with.
If you want to see a better example of immortality read "The Boat of A Million Years" . I do not think you will be dissapointed.
I gotta ask a question. Since Spike is a dragon wouldnt he still be alive? Dragons do live for 1000's of years. Of course they are not immortal like alicorns, but they would live a long time like allicorns do. I would also expect Spike to be devastated by his friends deaths.
Meh. It was well written but I like to think that alicorns are not immortal, they just live for a few thousand years.
Somepony tell me is this a good story, or just another story about somepony bitching about how immortality sucks?
SO Tired of these wah wah wah im immortal and dont die stories. I guess i will continue to wait for a good. "I'm immortal and its good" story.
"Enough talking, let's party!" Pinkie shouted in the background as she began playing some dancing music through a laptop.
Umm, when is this fanfiction occurring? I've never seen a laptop in the show.
Short but sweet. I was left wanting a little more, but what was written was good even if rushed.
I think the real show will have something a little like this coming up in season 3,4, or 5(that is if it lasts that long)
Well, this was a fun read, though crammed into a single chapter instead of savored over a longer period.
Just a little grammar catch that drew me out of the story: Instead of "Me, Celestia, and Cadence went" or similar structure, the correct way is "Celestia, Cadence, and I went." For politeness, the I goes on the end. It's also an "I" because the subject has to agree with the action; "Me went" is not grammatically correct.
I'm about to read it, and if it is good, and could be expanded, then your going to get an earful from me about it.
That was really, really good man. I'm crying now.
Definitely a skeleton, this had little story or visuals, the whole thing was really just "told." Concept could be expanded to be a good story, but, right now, it needs work.
This fic is occurring when Pinkie Pie was alive. That is all.
Immortality is really only a curse if you are the only immortal one. But even then, eventually you will grow tired of life. My view of immortality is the last line of the song First Night Alone by ThatSonofaMitch and All Levels at Once. The line is, "What good is the morning if the night never comes?" Basically, life is meaningless without death.
Anyways, onto the fic. There was the occasional grammar error, particularly when to use the word 'me' as opposed to 'I', but other than that, it was a decent read. Nice job.
In the royal wedding, I remember seeing speakers, there's no use having speakers like that if there are no computers.
There's a number of grammar issues for you to sort out, and character interactions feel emulated. I really don't think you know these characters very well. The filler dialogue is awkwardly worded, like you just couldn't find anything to put there.
It isn't enough to make sure their actions are consistent. The way they talk tells you more about who these characters are than anything.
Hope this helps.
You know some of us would kill for immortality...but at the cost of watching friends come and go out our life. How depressing...
I liked it albeit it was short.
As you said, very much a skeleton of a story. Needs some proofreading, mostly for grammar. Honestly I wouldn't release this version at all - use it as an outline and re-release the story once you've fleshed out the first chapter or two.
Interesting premise and it'll make for a good read to see how you deal with Twilight's sudden introduction to immortality versus the other alicorns' long experience with it. It just needs to be expanded and polished more as a story to get there. Keep writing!
I concur on the suggestion to get the help of an editor.
The grammar is a little odd in places, and it's good to use more formal language in some things and less formal in others. For example, this:
"... full story of the Elements, me, Celestia, and Luna will all take part in this Story telling. ..."
should be "Celestia, Luna, and I" since Princess Cadence is the one talking.
Celestia finally looked up and spoke a single sentence, a simple sentence, "yes, they will."
This sentence should be "Yes, they will." since it's a sentence, the first word should still be capitalized. If possible though, this probably fits better after a pause, or as an end clause of a longer sentence. In fact you could even lop off the 'yes'.
I would also recommend using 'okay' as the spelling most of the time when you want to use 'ok', since it's a bit more correct and doesn't feel as informal/slang-ish. That is not to say its wrong, but I would suggest that the setting is not quite that informal in this case for sure. Some wording also flows better off the tongue/the inside of the brain and sounds reasonable and sensible, whereas other choices may sound stilted, or unnatural, when read aloud.
You might consider nixing the "essence of the six original ponies" stuff, unless it's critical to expanding the story (should you choose to do that), since it explains something that doesn't necessarily need that much explanation. It can also sometimes raise other questions that the story might need to answer, such as whether they were real or some spell or illusion, etc and whether they could/can be trusted. You should probably invent/make/borrow a specific reason for Twilight to become an Alicorn, due to the Elements of Harmony, instead of any or all of them to help give the story a bit more solidity. Otherwise, it feels like you've just chosen to use Twilight. There's also an element of unfairness since she would now have a horn and wings.
Try and flesh out the story a bit, it's a little short and somewhat sudden, although it seems like an okay point for this particular flashback to appear/appear again. Personally, it would make more sense to me for her to have come the letter while reminiscing or something. It's not like Twilight Sparkle to leave a piece of paper on her desk for years, decades even. Finding it in a book she was looking for might make a tad more sense, although it's a matter of choice and doesn't overly affect the story.
Also, a few details of the funerals in question would help to hammer home that they are gone, as well as the shortness of life and the suddenness of remembering/feeling again the sadness of having to outlive them. You could bring Spike into this as well, if you wanted, since he would probably still be alive, having outlived the elements enhanced ponies (unless it was a huge enhancement). Dragons in most stories, FIMFics and elsewhere, can live from 500-1000 years old at least assuming that they aren't immortal or haven't been killed.
Thank you for going on with this by expanding it. So short, it was, that I was disappointed. I hate "Twilight becoming an alicorn" stories because in some cases, they don't even have reasons that make sense...to me, anyway. *sighs* But I...actually, I don't see why she is becoming one here, as well. Is it simply a transformation into an alicorn; was that how Luna, Celestia, and Cadence became ones? If so, that's fine, I just want that to be cleared up.
I also hope we get some detail as to how the others died--on the same stinking day, I should add--and just how long it was between that announcement and their deaths when you expand this; I would like to know their ages because the older they are, they more they make an impact on Twilight. I'm sure they'll be friends until the end, and the longer they live, it will only torture her more when they do. It's such a shame to see her through this...if only we got some emotion, some tension out of it. But, hey, this was a short, simple one-shot; I won't slam on it too much. It was okay, just not a favorite of mine, I could say.
>>12042761204276 Rest assured, we shall not force it upon you. We would rather not have you if you cannot appreciate it.
I shall offer only one point: Those who are most familiar with death are those who can most endure eternally.
Ask away if you wish for clarification.
It looks like you had an editor, but then he quit halfway through the story. Grammar errors abound in a featured story actually miffs me quite a lot. DON'T let it happen again, incompetent readers.
SO MUCH SAD
>>12079271207927 When 900 years old you reach, have as many living friends you will not!
But really, I have already outlived many friends and family, and I'm not at all about to go insane from grief and loss here. I have lost some to age, many to disease, a few to suicide. I grieved for them in kind, but life must go on. I hold them in memory, and so long as I live they will not be forgotten. If I were to endure forever, they would never truly vanish from the world, as have myriads of mortals in these passing eons, gone without a whisper on the wind to tell they once lived.
To know people is also to know that you will see some of them die. The only way to escape that fact is to know no one.
It's a good story, quite a few grammatical errors, but the plot is good, and it has a lot of potential for further installments.
And to know no one is to be alone. And no one should suffer that. Not even Twilight...
We have to remember the ones we love will be with us in our hearts forever...
Oh and by the way 900 years old reminds me of a certain "Doctor". He's a prime example isn't he not?
Ugh, THIS cliche again? To be fair, I haven't read the story yet (I'm still trying to convince myself to), but a description is worth a thousand words: it's another story concerning Twilight's newfound immortality, and the struggles that follow. Since I already know I'm not going to like the concept, I'll read it for the writing style, pointing out what can be improved and what you're doing well (in my eyes.)
C+C from me to possibly follow sometime tomorrow.
Ugh, no. Sorry, but this is just bad, and I have no idea how it got into the feature box. There are errors all over the place, the dialogue is unnatural and stilted, the pacing is weird, the narration is uninspiring (to put it kindly), the plot is frankly pointless, and the central premise is cliche and uncreative. The whole story reminds me of the kind of stuff I used to write for English class back in elementary school.
"Celestia tells Twilight that she will become an alicorn and outlive her friends. Then it happens. We're supposed to feel sad, I guess." That's the whole story. I felt no more emotion reading the 3000+ words than I just did from reading that sentence.
>>12085791208579 *chuckles* A fictional character who engages in impossible time travel and fights against many implausible creatures is not exactly a good example. It may make for great television, but it's not something I'd use for a true discussion on philosophical tenets.
I agree. There really isn't a good example to be had for it really.
There you should find a lot of the grammar mistakes fixed now.
cool story but sad too
All 5 on the same day? Damn, that musta been one hell of a Pinkie Party....
First fic im going to read with Cadence in it
Great balls of fire! Ok for one, pacing. This felt like it was bolting through everything. You need to slow it down some. Second, more descriptions. Try and flesh the world out a bit more. The history of Equestria and the forming of Celestia, Luna, and Cadance as well as Discord's rise is done in a maximum of fourth paragraphs. Really? I mean you're talking about the formation of alicorns, something that Twilight is slowly becoming, so you really need to go into a LOT more detail!
Ya I'm writing a less... condensed version now.
>>12095671209567 Ah. Wait, rewrite or editing?
play the halo reach song "Epilogue" makes the story beter, but its sad and cool! Keep it up!
inb4 tea- AJFSIHSFO feels for days
Then later on Twilight learns that she's not really immortal but she can live about 10 years longer than any other mortal.
So she dies alone. MWAHHAHA
>>12099761209976 Wouldn't she have Celestia, Luna, and Cadance with her?
Read this and you will change your opinion. She tried to live by your advice.
Immortality is a curse.
>>12101601210160 Oh, I forgot about them, they don't matter, nopony likes Twilight. Celestia even says so in this video!
Finally someone gets my Point of View.
Frankly, I cannot comprehend it when people say eternal youth is a curse. And as far as we can tell thats all Alicorns have, eternal youth and not immortality. Theres a pretty big difference.
I could see the curse in immortality if, I dunno, a gamma ray burst kills everything on earth and you're alone for a few million years till new life emerges. If it does. But eternal youth ? If it is really too much you can just off yourself.
Whether or not you consider immortality a curse depends of what you believe death is I guess. For me it would be a choice , well in English its between "a rock and a hard place" but I think the German version "pest and cholera" fits it much better.
Okay you have Spike at the start but what about at the party and Dragons live for ages and he would still be alive at the end older but still alive also what about PeeWee? sorry just questions that popped into my head by the end of this story.
All five of them died the same day? What, was there a gas explosion or a blimp crash, or what's going on here?
Pinkie's party cannon back-fired.
Not quite ...
by chapter 2 this Celestia violated almost every single rule i mentioned.
While I may provide a peace and tranquility to those around me, I distance myself from the ponies of the world so that I may not get attached and do them or myself harm. It is necessary for a princess like me.
I have not read any further than chap 2. Why?
This is the point that she died. She gave up living. She gave up life. She gave up growth. She gave up change. At this point she no longer had a life. She was no longer living and she gave her life up by her own choice. She was dead, her body just did not know it.
The keys to living an immortal life well are the same ones to live a short life well.
Never stop loving the people around you.
Never stop being part of the world around you.
Never stop growing.
Never stop changing.
Never stop looking for ways to improve yourself. (you will never achieve perfection but you should always try to be better than what you are. If you think you have then you are fooling yourself. if you seek out ways to improve yourself then you will find ways to improve yourself.)
The Celestia in this story failed in All 5 of these life choices and she ended up with a life without a reason to live.
SHE made her own immortality a curse. No one else did it for her. Only she can give her life meaning.
read eternal many feels but it is an amazing story and a Celestia that learned how to live.
the not complete composure i do not know how this one will end but i hope Celestia learns how to live and love life again.
The sad part isn't how Twilight gets to live forever and is now cursed to see her friends die. The sad part how they all died at once.
Still liked it though .
>>12104671210467 Immortality is awesome if you are the troll king. (is the troll king BTW) Trolololo!
Even if life were wiped out on the surface of earth I could troll ocean-dwelling bacteria by clogging their hydrothermal vents! Hee hee hee!
(Immortality is for the universe's assholes...)
Did you get that idea from Douglas Adams?
For those who dont know Douglas Adams created a character who became an immortal but did not know what to do with it so he gave himself a purpose.
His purpose was to track down every creature / person who ever lived or ever would live and call them an asshole. one. at. a. time.
He had a list. One time he accidently said . "Your a ... wait a minute. I already got you. Nevermind."
(i can't remember if it was a Hitchhiker or a Dirk Gently book though...)
"Now we get to you brave six ponies gathered here." Celestia said, specifically you Twilight.
That part needs to be in quotes. :3
I like the concept of the story, but I found it unrealistic how it happened. Why did Celestia decide to meet with the elements? Did she just decide one day to tell the ponies that they were all going to die? In truth, she told them what they already knew. They were mortal ponies, and understood, at least logically, that they would eventually die. Bringing it up would not bring any enlightenment, and would only cause misery.
As I think about it, I think Celestia would take Twilight aside and tell her she would outlive her friends. She would only do this when it becomes a concern, such as when the other ponies grow old, but Twilight does not.
Is there something behind Celestia's motives that I do not know? I honestly do not understand why she had this conversation.
The truth is, this isn't the whole story. I have a huge idea, and am in the process of writing it all, but it takes a lot of time. This I made much faster than I would have liked to... So yes there are more motives, they are well developed just not listed here.
Great first chapter, and I-
Nope. Nope nope nope. Thumbs down, this fic is too raw.
Saying that there isn't enough of it isn't a valid reason is like saying a fine steak shouldn't be sent back to the kitchen if it's only room temperature. Come back when this fic is a succulent, juicy fleshed out story, at the moment it's just...
It's dripping everywhere. With potential, mind you, but you might want to fry it up and seal in the flavour.
Yes, I'm hungry, why do you ask?
If you read a little bit further, you would find out that not only she did connect to somepony again, but she was happier than ever in that time. However, what came next is a different story altogether. And she did improve herself and grow, she mastered just about everything except magic, which is everchanging and thus, unmasterable.
Yeah, I am planning to read Immortal for quite a while, but I never got to it. Guess I should.
But seriously, try to finish that Diary. I understand your point, but I do not agree with it. I think that seeing people/ponies/whatever who I love die again and again gets to everyone, it's only a matter of time. (My opinion, I know that you are probably going to disagree, but... for the sake of discussion.)
Name 1 BENEFIT of immortality.
i may try Diary again later. I tend to track of so many fimfic stories that i cant keep up with most of them so it may be a while...
I probably will disagree with you.
I believe that people get over loss eventually. The worst possible reaction to loss is to never love again.
just my opinion FWIW
>>12042761204276 Its not really "finally". I wrote a fanfic ages ago about it and how it was a curse (hardly got any views, annoyed me that as a fair few thought it was good) and I defiantly wasn't the first. However, this is the best one I have read so far where Immortality is described as a curse.
Cooking such a large slab of meat takes time, and trying to cook it all at once turned out worse than it could be. So I am cutting it apart into large slabs and cooking each perfectly now.
>>12119951211995 Well, I never heard of that, but it seems it's somewhat similar to one of my ideas for eternal trolling. Although, my goal would be to get every living thing to call me an asshole.
I'd kinda be like Q, I guess. Only smarter.
That explains me right now
Well the most obvious is.
You live forever. Didn't think I'd have to point that one out.
Secondary things include:
-Completing tasks that no mortal could finish in their lifetimes
-Obtaining more knowledge than any mortal creature
-watching and possibly influencing everything around you until the end of time
-Making friends from every walk of life and several time periods
-gaining what would have to be the deepest understanding of interpersonal relationships ever
-gaining true respect for the natural beauty of the universe
M.o.M from image comics is older then the multiverse yet doesn't have this whole immortality is a curse problem. Why? Because she/he loves and cares for everything in her domain, even God and Lucifer, though they wronged her. He/She takes an active role when he/she feels like it. Yet, the reader can still relate to M.o.M. with cop out sad sap elements.
You honestly have to be the most emo and weak willed being in the universe to look at the gift of eternal life and cry curse.
Frankly, I don't want to watch my friends, family, and loved ones all wither away and die.
Like what? If projects take so long one person cannot accomplish it, there will always be another to take up that mantle. Potentially whole companies and organizations.
What's the POINT?! It will better you and ONLY you! Sure you could share it, but everyone will forget! If you somehow manage it, they'll twist the knowledge and use it for personal gain, potentially provoking an intergalactic war for this knowledge. NOT worth it.
Playing God? Emphasis on POSSIBLY. You'll have to cover yourself up, to ensure you aren't singled out as some sort of freak and experimented on. You really think they'll listen to one person? Dead wrong, pal.
Yeah, and also become close to them and be devastated when they die. Sorry, can't start a true family bond! You have to want to DIE with them for a true bond.
With other immortals, maybe, but not mortals.
Isn't that what we're all born with? Clearly not, if you need all the time in the world to appreciate it.
What can you possibly gain being stuck in this tiny, tiny world, and stuck into one vessel? You need multiple to make it truly worth it.
Everyone who thinks immortality is a blessing is afraid of death.
Alicorn of Love
BTW wouldn't that mean a pony's cutie mark is another way of becoming one (Alicorn) you just got to study it a lot.
If that is true than Diamond Tiara would be the Alicorn of wearing a tiara. Now we know why she is a crude
Like I said dude, you arent going to agree with anything each other has to say, Im not going to adress everything in you post because the exact opposite is just as true. I'll use the very first, and the very last things you said as example of this.
But it's my project. I started it I want to see it through, its for my benefit/amusement. Plus youd be immortal, think of the most outrageous things in the universe possible and go for it. Take a shovel, dig straight through the earth until you learn at what point gravity favors one poll over the other. Study the sun as it turns into a red dwarf then goes nova, that ought to be pretty (why not use that research to to help create alternate power sources). Read everybook, watch every movie, and study every single science. you dont even have to do anything productive. As long as you arent being pathetic and crying about people dying.
Everyone who thinks immortality is a blessing is afraid of death.
Anyone who thinks immortality is a curse is afraid of recurring pain, too weak minded handle the responsibilities that may eventually fall on to them and too self destructive/defeatist to find new purpose, or rekindle their own convictions.
Because I am an existential nihilist in my train of thought I am pretty sure that I have the fire in my heart and the strength of self to find meaning in everything I do and enjoy it. I can sit on earth and lolligag my time away until a good method of long distance space travel is invented or I can actively help to make it happen.
I could have billions of families, billions of friends, and know everything from this moment to the time the universe collapses on itself. And the only time I'll regret immortality is when all is dark and theres nothing, but I know that one day that ball of matter will explode again and things will start over...And I'll wait for it.
You don't have to agree with me, but you aren't going to tell me that something as ambiguous as immortality is and will forever be a curse.
So I'll leave it at this.
Take immortality however you want, people are different. One's curse is anothers gift.
If we both became immortal and you wanted to cry about it, its all good. I'll save a pillow for you on the last chunk of rock in the universe and together we can watch the last star in existence lose its light.
This part was written funny
Honey, you could have asked me for help," responded Rarity kindly, flipping her carefully-done mane. Each stripe of color gleaming magnificently in the sunlight. The usual raggedness to it straightened out to a smooth straight style.
Cause it starts with raritys pov and ends in rainbow dashes??
Noted, thank you, in the next version it should be fixed.
I'm going to agree with what has already been said and say this could be massive rather than a one-off. You definitely know what you're doing, it just needs more.
I agree, and said massive story is currently undergoing development.