Luke runs the alleyways of his derelict town, scrounging up anything remotely edible or drinkable from the rank dumpsters and manky puddles that infest this town. Luke, along with everyone else that lacks money or a job, is regulated to a Poverty Zone. Where all the low lives of society struggle for survival and a twisted form of prosperity. Ignored by the government and upper classes but where do the ponies come in?
Celestia has watched this planet. Watched it slowly begin to fade into the depressing dismal thing it is today, for years she has contemplated various solutions but only one reoccurs to her. She quickly writes a letter to her student Twilight, summoning her and her friends to Canterlot to assist her in dealing with a "pressing concern".
Rated Teen for: Cursing and Violence.
Dark Tag for "Light" Dark themes. (Violence, Swearing, Atmosphere, etc.)
Twilight Sparkle is not an Alicorn in this fiction. An explanation is given in the seventh chapter.
Goals
My main goal when writing this story is to tell the same tale from two completely different perspectives, and to have those perspectives directly and indirectly be effected by events they see, cause, or participate in. Oh yeah, this is my first fan fiction, but you didn't care about that in the first place, right?
Disclaimer
This story is not in it's final state and changes will occur to previous chapters as seen fit. It is also riddled with several references. They are merely references for my enjoyment and hopefully yours. Of course, I wouldn't take credit from the incredibly witty (or not) people that created them in the first place.
Tags
Due to the Human perspective in this story it allows for the Slice of Life tag, as his actions are apart of his daily life. Along with the Mane Six going on an a "quest" the Adventure Tag is required. The Dark tag is in place due to violence involving humans with humans. The ponies will not be seriously harmed in any way.
Corner of Appreciation
Much appreciation goes to Ozpakko for Pre-Reading and Icrus for Suggestions.
Well they just fucked up
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Perhaps. Just wanted to give a shot at this for EQD's National Pony Writing Month event and all.
Quite interesting.
Gotta look where it ends now!
Awaiting first contact
The ponies gonna get robbed
Also what is the contest thingy you talkin' bout'
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"The ponies gonna get robbed"
ikr, it might of helped if Celestia warned them they might be beaten and robbed while they sleep
1200438Yes yes it would
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Heh. I guess I assumed something different in your post, but this's the contest thingy I was talking about.
EQD National Pony Writing Month (Final Push)
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Gonna make a few changes here and there then move on to the next chapters. Thanks for the support!
?
Ohh well back to minecraft
dude come over here
okay OHH COME ON YOU SHOT ME IN THE KNEE
All in aother day
New chapter is out!
PM me any grammar mistakes you find. Pretty sure I got them all, but you never know... Also let me know what you think of the story. (Pretty sure I picked a cliché/overused topic but whatever.) Tell me anything you particularly like or disliked, and if it's absolute crap lemme know, and Thanks for taking the time and checking this out. Critique and feedback will always be appreciated!
What's wrong with people? I mean, this is a pretty good story, but it seems like nopony's following it...
Dafuq?
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I'm not interested in attention or popularity, but with more people comes better critique. Send some people (Or pony if that floats your cloud) this way if they're interested, but frankly, I'm new to this sort of thing so I really have no clue how to gather more attention with out directly going up to people and saying "READ MY STORY NUB" Or something more polite.
Regardless, any help getting this story into the hands of more people would be very appreciated!
'Eyo Everybody! (Or pony if that floats your cloud.)
Another FlutterYay for another chapter!
After several days of putting all my spare time into reviewing the three other chapters and making them a whole lot better. (
They were atrocious.) I have finally released the fourth one! This one does contain some darker stuff, but I don't think it'll get any darker then that. So go ahead, and give the previous chapters a re-read if you want. I didn't change much in them, what happens in the end is still the same, but I've made the writing style a bit more consistent across chapters. If you don't want to read them, fine with me, your reading this comment and that makes me happy. Infact if you came BACK to this story that makes me happier.
Oh, and I also redid that stupid Intro thing and condensed it into the first chapter if your curious as to where that went, or even cared.
Two last things, If you want to know the progress of the next chapter go ahead and become a stalker and follow me. (I won't mind, seriously, I won't.) I'll probably post blogs about it's progress, or just relentless blabbering. (Most likely the former.)
And please, catch my mistakes! I really want to make this the best I can possibly make it. So please get mad at me or politely inform me of errors. (Because I get lazy of re-reading the same text in search of errors.)
Oh, and have a happy looking AJ if you made it this far.
Because AJ really is best pony.
I like how you describe humanity, the poor struggling every damn to survive, the rich sitting at home,
. You really caught my emotions in the description, I'll read the first chapter, and comment later on.
enjoying their lives, not giving a fuck about us.
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I sincerely hope you enjoy it, but thanks for the fav and comment!
)
(Mind you the first chapter is probably the worst, but that may change in the coming month!
Okay, okay. First off, Goober, I have to say I have nothing against worldbuilding. But between it, and the whole unnecessarily long "drafting the Mane Six to Canterlot" section, this story has an ABSURD amount of filler. I sincerely hope to see less of it in the future, because I easily skipped a few thousand words with absolutely no detriment to the plot. And that says something.
Secondly, stop cutting every single character line into its own paragraph. Do it when the POV changes and never otherwise. As it is, it is grating to read.
Thirdly... man, you opened up a titanic can of worms by having Equestria and Earth share the same sun. How did things work thousands of years ago without the ponies to guide the sun while Equestria kept to the same orbit as ours? Excuse me, but I find this a bit hard to believe overall.
Now that we got the bad parts out of the way... this has a rather unique premise, and the characterizations of everypony is pretty good. I shall read on.
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I understand that. I wrote those first two chapters at least half a year ago, and I am in agony every time I look back at them for similar reasons. I've only been able to go back and make certain tweaks here and there, but never gotten around to completely overhauling them as they should be.
I assure you that things improve further on, marginally at least. Thanks for pointing out the filler too. When I do go back and overhaul this, it'll be on the top of my list of things to correct. I'm fairly certain I might still be flawed with it, but I will put conscious effort into correcting this.
Concerning the whole Earth/Equestria being in the same orbit, I'll confess that I didn't explain it thoroughly at the time simply because I didn't comprehend it fully either which I admit is a really bad thing. But I realize now how I can better explain it in that same chapter. I also apologize for the late reply. I literally didn't get a notification until just now while working on the story.
In the end, I IMMENSELY appreciate this feedback. Stuff like that is what I've wanted since I've started. A shame I haven't gotten much until now but seriously man, thank you. And your desire (or endurance) to keep reading this is appreciated also. I hope you find it more... Enjoyable, I guess, to read as you progress.
2561505 It makes me real happy to see a writer accepting constructive criticism
I shall walk on.
Another thing that needs work is your syntax, especially punctuation-wise. I'll just give you one example paragraph:
Pay attention to the placement of commas compared to how many times you used periods in the actual story. You're dismembering phrases in the syntatically related sections, and that grinds on the reading.
A hint for you is: read what you wrote out loud. At any moment, can you find those small pauses where it sounds like a comma would fit well where there is none? If so, use it. Don't be afraid: it's better to have them in excess than in for them to be lacking.
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I believe I see what you mean... :P
I'll definitely do my best to overhaul pretty much everything after I finish up with the next chapter. I know I'm no where near intelligible when it comes to proper writing so feedback like this is appreciated.
I don't know if I've said this before, so I'll just say it now: damn this is bleak.
Also, the Fimfiction bot didn't warn me of this update
Okay, now that I've read this baby...
What I like:
• Luke's life still moves on, and it's getting shakier, and it shows. Hoooly crap.
• The ponies have a plant, vague as it may be, to survey the place.
• The bum's reaction to Pinkie's antics. So sorry, best pony, but you were practically asking for that slap. And you, Twilight, didn't it occur to you that compared to us, you're obnoxious to the point of harrassment? So much for genius - to me, in this fic, you just stooped to 'intelligent' rank.
What I disapprove of:
• Like I said before, waaaay too much filler. The tarp-raising scene, for example, was not only completely unnecessary, it was longer than most one-shots in this site, and it distracted me from the two interesting parts I really care to read about, which would be the contact with the humans and the mane six's discussion about them. You don't have to tell every single second of their stay on Earth, the reader can assume that much based on their canon habits and behaviors.
• The same periods-for-commas mistakes. I know you know, this is just to tell you how problematic it is.
• Telling who is saying whose line is which when there's no perspective changes. Like this:
You don't have to tell us who's speaking the line - we already assume it's Twilight since you didn't mention another POV character. Getting rid of that bad for is essential to good, uncluttered writing.
• As for the plot, I have only one: as much as the circumstances don't allow much of it, it's a little ridiculous that after so much of the fanfic written, the ponies haven't had a single display that humans aren't bastards by nature – despite it seeming like the message you want to get across, it's starting to feel like the opposite, just quite well-vested so as not to be obvious. Hell, keep that up and even I will forget the Jeca Tatu conundrum and root for them to leave Earth to rot in its own feces. Throw the dog a bone, would ya?
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You know, I honestly appreciate your appraisal of this work and trudging through it for the sake of helping me improve. I know this story is VERY flawed and I hope to rework and recreate it eventually. As of now, it's not high on my priorities unfortunately, and hopefully I'll get around to making it as good as I wanted it to be.