It is a good story Finn, I spot no glaring faults but I do fear you might over do it with the personality change of the Crusaders. Then again they are in a tense situation, so it is granted they are more serious then normal.

>>11920301192030

Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it. Believe it or not, me changing the CMC too much and eliminating their personalities is my greatest fear.

They are grown up and having tough times, but they used to be those three little fillies.

Occasional spelling and grammar errors but not bad enough to make me remember where they were. Story is fine. It makes me want to read more so I learn about their world but it's not super great. Yet.

Small fixes would make this so much better to an incoming reader like putting an indent before each paragraph and smaller paragraphs. The big paragraphs in the middle are hard to read and disrupt flow which turns off new readers.

You shouldn't bother rewriting this for smaller paragraphs now. Just remember in the future to try to break them up a but more, but not enough as to be laughably small. Find a good medium point.

tl;dr good but not great

I like in medias res openings too, but maybe you should combine the first two chapters into one? Cold openings are usually only the first chapter, and it can be a little jarring to click three separate chapter links before getting any explanation of what the "Fateless" are, or who they need "Refuge" from. Sure, I can make an educated guess from the story description, but the description shouldn't substitute for exposition.

>>12025011202501

I will think about and definitely do better for the following chapters. Thanks for the advice.

Pesonally, I love not understanding everything that goes on in the first chapters, it motivates me to continue reading, but that might not float everypony's boat.

Great work Finnfinn: stop saying "It's not that good".  So far I'm loving it, and I've had quite a few dark fics to compare it to.  Keep up the great writing

I see a madman breaking out of the Orders control.

>>12483051248305 Who could that be? Now I'm curious.

>>12483561248356, Vinyl is one possibility because of songs like this

>>12483851248385 This song is 100% -approved.

>>12484151248415, dancers and musicians are able to loop-hole out. And ones who have chaotic talents, like bio-warping and fighting, would break Orders plan on there own.

And Pinkie fits the song well.

>>12484311248431 Well, you'll find out sooner or later.

Sorry it took so long to read. Had school and other more pressing fics (CH) to read. I really do like the idea Finn but until you start giving us some story and background (this counts as background) I can't really get into it.