• Member Since 28th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 10th, 2022

ClarinetOverlord


I play video games, a great many instruments, and used to write once in a blue moon. I don't anymore, but I'm still active here.

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Source

Dreams are funny things. They can tell us things we never knew ourselves, like who's most important to us. In other words, who we love.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 27 )

HHNG, APPLEDASH-KUN~

Insta-fav.

I Would Love To - Steve Vai

Well the beginning seemed a bit rushed. "I need to tell you something." "What?" Kiss.

I liked it though! Will like and fav.

To "drag out" the well, use something like this: Weeeeeeeeeeeell...

It feels rushed. Try and explain more about the scenes i guess, and talk about how they're feeling. Not just thoughts, but also actions that they do.

applejack had a dream about kissing rainbow dash but it wasn't real but she suddenly had a crush on her for some reason and so did rainbow dash cuz this wouldn't be shipping if they both didn't like each other for some reason. so rainbow dash bought aj some flowers but aj didn't think the were from rainbow dash. so later that day they crashed into each other and kissed but everyone saw so rainbow dash ran crying and applejack went to comfort her so applejack asked "do ya'll like me?" and rainbow dash said "yes" and so they both kissed and there was a big squishy heart in the middle of the sunset and angel puked on fluttershy's shed the end.

th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/201/f/a/applejack_and_rainbow_dash__sweet_kiss_by_kennyklent-d580pnd.png

Worst story I ever read ever.

Lucky for you... I have a soft spot for Appledash... This was nice. I enjoyed it. Nicely written, great detail, I liked it. But it seemed a little rushed. But Appledash is one of the best ships, so I'll let it slide. :heart:

You have AJ and Dash's voices down, and you have some really nice phrasing through out the story. Over all I liked it.

One thought- I do agree with the people who said it was choppy. I think the big problem there might be switching back and forth between POV characters. If you stick with one, the scenes can flow more naturally. You also can build some suspense by not letting the readers know if one of them shares the others affection until they say so at the end. (Of course, we can all tell by the tags what's going to happen. But we pretend we don't! Because that's what shipping is all about.)

That being said, I do want to compliment you on keeping the POV switches separated by scenes. A lot of writers will just slip from one character to another, which is disconcerting. So even though I think that either the scenes should have been longer, or you should have done one POV character, you did do multiple POV's correctly! Thank you!

Thanks for the cute read, I'd love to see more. :ajsmug::rainbowkiss:

Writing wise it's good. Not many grammar/spelling errors or whatnot. Story wise, however, it's... generic. Very much so. This is pretty much the perfect example of how most Appledash fics happen, though in your case, you definitely wrote it out better. (Some others i've seen... not even a spell check, oh god :raritycry: )

All in all, I liked it. It's just been done before :x I'd like to see more Appledash from you, if you can spice it up a little! :)

Love the story, but may I ask "since when were Rainbows eyes violet??:rainbowhuh:"

I agree with bookplayer: You have the voices for Applejack and Rainbow down pat. I was reading the stories in their voices!

That said, there were a few word choices that I found strange for certain characters. One example is Rainbow Dash saying "psychologist".

And yet, you've certainly got a solid piece. Good job.

a bit fast paced
You could've done a lot more for each scene

rushhheeed liked it but rushed as hell

Before I get into any notes, the one thing to get out of your head is that you are doing anything wrong. You're writing something, creating something and there's nothing about doing so that can be construed as doing something wrong, only things that could be done better, and even then only in our opinions. All right, on to the notes.

First off, there's a lot of really nice voicing and dialogue going on here, from all the characters. There's very little stilted language, and for the most part it flows very smoothly and naturally. The voices sound very much in character with a few notable issues (I'll go into that in a second), and overall the characters were interesting and very much in the style of the show. So, I applaud you for that, that's a very tough thing to get down. The technical elements, like grammar/spelling/mechanics, are all sound. This is far more than a lot of ship fics can say so kudos.

All right, a few technical issues. First, in relating to the voicing, it appears that Applejack's accent comes and goes fairly frequently. There's some "I"s and some "ah"s, some "you"s and some "ya"s. Such as 'Applejack sighed. "I need to sort this out."' then two lines down ' 'That wasn't the friend ah meant,' she thought angrily to herself.' This switching occurs frequently enough that its distracting and throws the reading of Applejack's voice off. Also, as somebody else said there's a few glaring issues with word choice involving Rainbow that detract from the otherwise excellent voicing of her. Things like "I'm no psychologist" and 'Involuntarily kissed her' didn't feel quite in line with Rainbow Dash. There are also a few other word choice issues: AJ saying "How do I break it to her" as though its bad news, Rainbow Dash smirking at Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie being fuscia, etc. Just be careful when using synonyms that they actually mean what you're trying to say, because those meaning all feel a bit off here.

Next, there's a few major issues that I'd like to put in here, but for the most part they stem from not fleshing out the dialogue. You write your dialogue so beautifully, yet you purposefully cut it out of the Twilight/Applejack scene and you completely skip the Rarity/Rainbow. With Twilight, there's absolutely no reason to say "and then she explained everything"; you're the author, you need to explain it to her. There's a great opportunity for more dialogue here and we're in the realm of show vs tell. I, as a reader, want to know what it was that Applejack said, how Twilight reacts to each revelation, and how Twilight, the studious professor, comes to the conclusion that Applejack loves Rainbow. None of that is clear, and writing the whole thing out will not only help with the pacing (which I'll get into later), but will also draw the readers into your characters more. Right now, it practically forces them out by requiring them to fill in the blanks with whatever they might have said.

And likewise, all of the above applies to the Rainbow/Rarity missing scene. It may be that you're not as comfortable writing in Rarity's voice or some such thing, but I was really looking forward to how that conversation developed. Skipping over the entire scene left me wondering how Rainbow pinned that down, how Rarity would have reacted. I was pretty interested in how Rainbow would even broach the subject. These two scenes left everything feeling incomplete.

Finally, pacing. Fixing those two scenes will help a lot, but there's a lot of items just missing from the dialogue of everyone. There's 4 friends who just watched one pony divebomb crash into another and literally the only thing said is "Hey, Dashie, what's with your wings?". We're missing the reactions to the crash, the "Are you OK"s, The reaction to them kissing as two of the four know that AJ and RD are crushing on each other. There's a lot of fleshing out needed, because that feels very skeletal. Also, in the realm of pacing, the reactions of Applejack and Rainbow Dash to each other in the last scene don't quite add up. Things like Rainbow going from full out crying to giggling playfully is such a drastic face heel turn that I had to stop a reread it because I couldn't place Rainbow's mindset. There's other instances of this, in the first conversation with Rainbow, the inner dialogue after AJ leaves for Twilight, the conversation with Twilight, the picnic. All in all, the whole story could use a lot more embellishment, a lot more build up, a lot more writing.

I look forward to seeing what you write next, and I hope you'll take some of this to heart. Good Luck to you.

-Duskrider

So Rainbow Dash is spicy,since you did say Applejack was tasting the rainbow.

1190301
Yeah, I suppose. The people on FanFiction said Skittles.

The day started like any normal day, bright and sunny, birds singing gleefully in the trees. On Sweet Apple Acres, baskets of freshly-harvested apples shone brightly in Celestia's sunlight.
Applejack was hard at work, bucking apple trees for the precious fruit. With yet another basket filled, she headed for the barn to unload it. Suddenly, she was interrupted by a whooshing sound, and upon looking skyward, she saw a brilliantly colored streak, the telltale sign of Rainbow Dash's approach.
The Pegasus gently floated down towards the farm pony, and greeted her cheerfully. "Hey, Applejack."
"Good mornin', Rainbow. What brings ya'll over here?"
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll," she began, dragging out the word for several seconds. "I've been meaning to tell you something."
"What's that, sugar-" Applejack was interrupted when Rainbow Dash pulled her into a powerful kiss. She tried to yelp in surprise, but her mouth was totally covered. So, she just accepted it, finding herself actually enjoying it.

But in all seriousness, good story.

1179403

That kind of well always reminds me of the 10th doctor

1272665
I don't actually watch Doctor Who, so I have no idea what you're talking about.

1275854

There ya go

1179424
I know this is a severely late reaction, but your comment is hilarious.

Sooooooooo... I read this because you commented on Japaneseteeth's blog post about looking like your avatar, but I couldn't read what your avatar said. I went to your page to see it and involuntarily read your latest post about how this story was maybe the second worst story you had ever written. You must have ever only written 2 stories because this isn't bad at all, I actually really enjoyed it. The beginning was hilarious to me, I was so upset that you rushed the kiss but it turned out to be a dream. I was like "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" hahaha, well, good job man. Listen to Duskrider, he gave you some very valuable information, and thanks for the good read! :twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

1520177
The beginning was very, very loosely based on the beginning of The Magic of Love.

As for everything else, I know exactly what went wrong when I was writing this besides not reading it over before posting it: I was trying too hard.

When I started writing Return of the Elite on FanFiction, I wasn't trying to create a piece of art; I was just having fun. People have told me it's, "the best thing ever". When I wrote Do You Feel That? That's Love, my effort was minimal because I wrote it at one in the morning, and it turned out really well. I tried to make C'est Noel a Christmas classic, and while it was good, it wasn't as good as I had hoped. Here, I tried to make a deep, wonderful romance, and cracked under the pressure.

So, de hoy en adelante (from now on), I'll just write to have fun and stop trying so hard to make classics. At this point, I'm still waiting for any requests before pumping out MLP stories.

And that is my final word on this story.

-ClarinetOverlord

This was okay, but their feelings are too sudden, and the story was too short. However, the writing was good and I'm definitely going to check out your other stuff.

1584898
At this point, anything else I've written is better than this.

1585039 It was a good story but I would have liked to have seen it drawn out more, This could have been a multi chapter thing! And that would have been 20% cooler! OVERUSED MEME AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But seriously good work

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