A crime syndicate known as Despair has been going around towns and causing trouble. The ponies working in this syndicate has gotten on to the most wanted list in every town except for one, Ponyville. Due to how powerful the Elements of Harmony are, it would be suicide to raid the town. So in order to gain the upper hand, They send in a stallion known as Nemesis into Ponyville. He is ordered to live in Ponyville to gain the trust of it's citizens. When that is accomplished, Nemesis will steal the Elements of Harmony and completely take over the town. But his faith in this task begins to dwindle as he lives with the liveliest bunch in town. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash shows him what friendship is really about. Nemesis begins to love his new life in Ponyville. But its become painfully obvious that he must make a huge decision. Will he choose to follow his orders from Despair to take over Ponyville? Or will he choose to protect the ones that showed him true happiness? Note: Anthropomorphic ponies.
Aw, no.
The wall of text and the cover art alone.
Can you hear that? It's the calm before the storm.
1177339
polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing%3F.out%3Djpg%26size%3Dl%26tid%3D58895667
You killed the calm before the storm.
Anomorphs?
Romance tag?
DOUCHE-Y BLACK OC?!?!
ALICORN ON TOP OF THAT?!?!?
LIVING IN PONYVILLE?!?!?
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1698-1318062630.gif
1177341
Wait... that's no calm, that's a train whistle!
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/choo-choo-motherfucker.jpg
1177351
Son the storm is already here.
See that Ignorable?
I stole your line.
So what you're saying, is that he's a a Gary Sue?
1177351 I work in mysterious ways....
>Dark
>Rating: Everyone
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw6117.jpg
Anyways. Your first fic on this site is a Romantic Dark fic that messes with Canon, inserts new Mane6 members and is humanized? And somehow has a black OC Alicorn too?
You just broke every rule of stories.
Ever.
Of all time.
Scrap this, start a new one.
WHOOSH!
1177360
ct.fra.bz/ol/fz/sw/i53/5/6/12/frabz-You-dont-say-d0a938.jpg
Hear that?
It's the sound of a steam engine. A huge, flaming, failtrain we behold.
1177394 i.qkme.me/3q2zfu.jpg
1177374
*sees this comment*
Yep. Nothing to do here. I'mma be on my way.
But before I go, try not to write Gary Stus. A story is much more exciting when the main character isn't an all-powerful being with no flaws.
Now... I'm off!
games.dcu.ie/wiki/images/9/96/All-aboard-the-fail-train.jpg
WHOOSH!
~TWE
1177427
Oh no!
I forgot the WHOOSH!
Comment edited for teh lulz
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This is about as interesting as the story. Good to laugh at for a few seconds and then off to other fics.
This fuels my fucking rage. Thanks, I can't sleep for the rest of the night because I'm SO FUCKIN' PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS MARY SUE SHIT!
1177487 You wanna see a victim? I'll show you a fucking victim.
1177492
Why did you think I said "VICTIM?"
Its a masterpiece of Anti-Sue Rage.
Though I find the lack of testicular implosion disturbing.
1177439
All shall glorify the almighty WHOOSH!
This is........ugh, so anybody who bothers to look at this but reads the comments first, instead of wasting your time, have a gif so you can have atleast something good to look at:
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9hs67Ntj01r8uiq6o1_500.gif
Pft, we're like a swarm of locusts: leaving nothing but broken dreams and desolation in our wake.
I could only read partway through the beginning. This character is undeniably a mary-sue, sorry but that's the truth. Characters can be powerful, but the audience will only care about them if they know about them. What are their hopes and dreams, strengths and weaknesses? What are their flaws? I didn't learn anything about the character, and just telling us their personality doesn't work either, you have to show not tell.
Anyway, before I go. Have a Batman
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzpnh3Oq4a1qh0zln.png
1177598
But, but...
I want a Batman too...
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw2079.jpg
You know what.
I actually read this, not because I found it intriguing, but because I'd give you a chance to prove yourself above all else.
---
I'm kidding, I'm too young to die.
Please, just delete this, and write something original.
1177678
Here ya go!
4.bp.blogspot.com/-iAq5kur9Pso/T30c3PhKM1I/AAAAAAAAAAM/W9a7wrb9Qzo/s1600/Chibi_Batman_by_alexaaaaa.jpg
1177694
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A story about a black Maru Sue alicorn OC automatically joining the mane 6, forming a relationship with one, topped off with a wall of text, and a crappy name like Nemesis, eh?
Let me see if I can find an appropriate reaction:
Every rule in the book has been broken. You have used restricted magic to gain the attention of bad company! QUICK, PRINCESS CELESTIA! USE YOUR AWESOME MAGIC TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER!
Really, sheesh, that sucks.
So what now?
WHOOSH!
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha
'scuse me a sec, OP
i4.photobucket.com/albums/y114/x0xchelzx0x/gifs/2i03ojn.gif
OH DEAR GAWD!
Nothing to do here...
this could use a random sex scene, however...
No, don't delete this. Focus on improving structure and grammar and fleshing your own ideas better, but don't allow poor image macros as the only means of criticism to dictate what direction you take from here. Any kind of writing can be a harsh mistress, but when it comes to appeasing a certain fandom and attempting to incorporate recycled ideas in your own way, it can be downright brutal. Just keep improving. Followed.
Choooo choooo!
Alright, here we go!
First line, you wrote their. It should be they're. That's a rookie mistake, does not bode well for you.
Uhg... the grammar all the way through is poor. Please edit first. Pleeeaassee.
I'm not sure I can get through this. Look, the dialog doesn't flow, it doesn't seem like a normal conversation, it's crooked. But worse is the sheer latent amount of cliche and gary stu and awfulness of this.
Don't feel too bad. You're falling into the same pitfalls all young authors once fell into. Why I remember when I as a young lad, writing terrible Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction... but that's besides the point! I at least TRIED to make my OC well rounded and at least made some attempt to edit my stories. You should too! I expect better next time! ...Or don't even write again, that's fine with me. Maybe you should... make plushies of Mary Sue OCs.
Actually, I would totally buy a Red and Black Mary Sue OC plush. Someone should make those.
Getting off topic here.
TL;DR: On a scale of 1 to Awesome, you get a solid 'Steaming Pile of Horse Shit Sprayed with Air Fresher.'
Hm, how can I sum up my feelings for this story? Oh yeah.
myfacewhen.net/view/154-house-do-not-want
*before attempting to read this story*
Well, I've gotta try it at least once.
*the minute I click on 'A Dark New Road'*
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But seriously, though, fix this. Black OC? I could deal with that. Black ALICORN OC named Nemesis? No thanks. Yeah, mine's red and black, but after my worst fanfiction yet, Envy, I managed to write a few stories (Okay, like, 2) without causing problems. By the way, there's some grammar mistakes that need to be corrected.
Choo choo,
Okay this was messy. Your alicorn OC makes Luna cry.
Mary sue OC, grammar was bad, great wall of text, anthro/human thing. Nemesis? Really? Thats not original
Please write more.
Well.... at least the comments are fun to read. Is this a trollfic? .....Or is the author in a corner sobbing right now.
1177582 Yeah, and it's always the same group of people too. It's like this is what we do instead of going out and playing poker or getting drunk. We smash the hopes and dreams of young writers.
1178063 Don't....talk about getting hammered. The last time that happened I woke up covered in Rabbit Giblets.
1178106 And that is why I stick to weed. The worst thing that can happen is waking up in a nest made of Taco Bell wrappers and Funyuns.
1177450 Funniest thing ever
1178135 Really? The last time I even tried that I remember waking up with Twinkies just...everywhere. Splattered all over the ceiling. Clogging the sink and toilet. Smeared all over the T.V. It was just freaking everywhere.
writersrelief.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/50ShadesOfGrey1.jpg
And
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/1/1d/Twilightbook.jpg/250px-Twilightbook.jpg
Still a better stories then this.
I'll say your writing skill isn't bad, it just needs work and a new plot.
1177341 I'm not sure if you know, but Hurricane Isaac is aleady here.
1178183
Damn, everyone's out to ruin my quote.
Even nature
And now for my two bits on this story.
The only virtue I can espouse here is the fact that it seems to be formatted decently, with proper paragraphs and indentation where it is needed. Dialogue is separated by character, which is always a good thing.
Other than that, you have made every wrong choice about writing your story. You start at a random point that holds no plot significance, running through the Everfree Forest nonetheless, and just plain describe what your main character is like. Show us, don't tell us.
If this story was meant as a metaphorical kick to the hornet's nest, good job, because you managed to aggravate every new story stereotype imaginable. An overpowered, dark alicorn that is overly beefed and is on some kind of secret, evil mission. Except for the fact that he is changed by the goodness and the imminent friendship with the Main Six, (completely baseless romantic relationship optional).
I am guessing this to be some form of self insert. I mean, seriously, who makes such an 'awesome' character if they aren't craving that kind of form themselves?
My advice, get help from better writers, or stick to your day job.
1178152 That sounds.....delicious. I foggily remember one time where I got drunk and smoked a couple bowls while playing poker with my friends. The other stoner and I just sat there and thought of funny words that were also edible things. We came up with pumpernickel, and had to stop the game of poker, run to the store at ten o'clock at night and get a loaf of pumpernickel. That high.
And then we videotaped a guy making drunk phone calls to all of his ex girlfriends while he vomited into a trashcan, and then he licked another dude's ass as a sign of trust or something. Also videotaped.
And somehow, my stoner adventures are still a better story than this one.
1178154 Whoa, I read that wrong. Good lord man, this story is bad, but you're being a bit harsh there, don't you think?
...Mane Seven?
Black Alicorn OC
Gary Sue
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There's a fine line between 'it's my headcannon' and 'I was high when I made this', alas you are currently in the latter.