That law.

>>7960079600

This is why things run better when you just let the pretty white pony with the alluring eyes and the sun on her ass handle everything

Very interesting so far.

testing too see if my comments got though. anyway on topic very nice chapter good cliffhanger at the end too and its good too see Luna again

"I was your backup singer for Winter Wrap Up"

fantastic line right there! keep up the good work and sea-kelpies!

I do hope the world-encompassing danger thing is exaggerated.  I've always disliked the tendency to keep throwing bigger and badder dangers at a hero over time to create interest in the plot like Dragonball Z.   The world shouldn't need something worse than Discord to get our interest.  I'd be perfectly happy with a simple evil faction trying to mind-wipe Celestia into betraying Equestria and ruling over all these immortal spawn of Discord's rule...

Good:  

Like the Kelpies so far.   The ocean is powerful, bountiful and fickle.

The merged mind mechanic has a lot of potential for exploring characterization and private lives.

The writing style works for me.

Could Improve:

I would enjoy a bit more emotion in the descriptions where they occur to give mood, but that's common problem I see.  Not everyone likes that though.

Kelpie magics for blending with water and staying hidden seem a bit powerful so far.  Need to see more of the limitations they have come into play.

The villains seem a bit one-dimensional so far.  No large group can exist without emotional ties and history.  Make them a wronged party, give them families in danger, offer us some way to sympathize with them too.  Take the General for example.  There should be a reason he is so suspicious of government and family betrayal from Luna.

I like humor in my adventure stories too.  Don't forget to entertain us with laughs as well as adrenaline and tears.

I loved the entire vibrator spell sequence...    Damn Girl indeed!!!

All I can say is:

I really like this story :) I hope you keep up with the good writing.

>>8339483394

thank you! ill do my best

>>8327383273

enlightening!

And then Twilight was the master mind behind everything.

Wouldn't that make quite a twist ending? Jokes and ideas aside, cool story. I can't wait for the next update.

now things get interesting! the big question is why did they kidnap her and what could they need her for hmmm i was hoping luna would have gotten too stay since i like her the most but we'll see how this goes.

>>8613486134

not to worry, she'll be back!

yay! its good too see Luna again! but i hate that law that stops her from ruling in her sisters absence that's just wrong. the interaction between Twilight and rarity was very funny. LOL checking out AJ ass O.o and whats this? Flutter sly rising too the task Luna has given her ? this should be interesting i hope gets too kick butt soon! all and all a grate read so far!

the just don't dance ever again line at the end kills me! XD twilight maybe a good singer and a very good bookworm but shes a horrible dancer! now we know the main plot behind this story and its a good 1 lets see how it goes from here

Sev why have you not plugged this in IRC? *track*

The plot thickens... Can't wait to read more

>>9442894428

I honestly didn't know i should! I don't use IRC and I'm pretty new at this fanfiction stuff. I could use any help promoting it you can give me, what do you suggest I do?

'So Equestria is run by 2 Princesses and 12 Secret Lord (Ponies)?"

I'm surprisingly OK with that too... Great story so far, though those kelpies must be much stronger than they appear, I can't imagine Celestia going down so easy.

this is a great story so far, I can't wait fr more of this so keep working on it please!

yay! new chapter. I'm enjoying this so much

Best Pinkie moment ever.

Pinkie Pie, you are so RANDOM

AHAHAHAHAHA I actually laughed every time there was a new pipe. This story is starting to become a daily addiction for me. Linking this.

Oh Twilight.  Your inner most secrets are bared for all.

>>101697101697

heh, glad you're liking it

that pinky pie! XD i like the interaction between Twilight and Windswept. so needless too say its going too very hard too find Princess C if no one knows were she is or are not willing too tell them. this is going too make things interesting indeed..

Pinkie Pie is best pirate.

PINKIE PIE IS BEST PIRATE FOREVEEEEER.

My love for Pinkie and Applejack in this chapter knows no bounds. This story has been a heckuva ride so far, and we've barely even begun. Looking forward to more.

This story is not grabbing me at all.

Also, I'm seeing several misuses of commas, periods and the like. Misspellings as well here and there.

My judgment? Run this through the editor again, plox.

Sorry, kiddo.

Oh shit, that scene right before Twilight got captured was priceless. I can't stop Pinkie grinning

“Watch after her, little one.” Luna said softly. “She will need you.”

Fluttershy swallowed and resumed her turn, diving off toward Rainbow and the palace below as princess Luna soared left and deeper into the heart of Canterlot. As the meek pastel Pegasus caught Rainbow's slipstream, her eyes narrowed with uncharacteristically firm resolve.

“Always.” she said, in a voice only the wind could hear.

This is perfect. This is exactly how the Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship works in my head, and it's a lovely moment as well as a nice inversion of expectations.

.....A 'Dungeon'.....

Oh Celestia you naughty girl.  Though now I'm worried as to what's going on....very interesting, if one ignores a few spelling/grammar errors.

On an unrelated note: The way applejack speaks seems natural save one detail.

'Tew'.

When you read it, your mind just stops, and it's a tad jarring.  Her accent would suggest using 'ta' in place of 'to' because, like the rest of her accent, t's very relaxed and tolls off of the tongue.

'Tew', however, feels forced and jittery, like soemone's DEMANDING she speak 'proper english' annd it's making her stutter.  it just feels unnatural.

Aside from that, the story's going great!

The plot thickens.

Can has next chapter?

Also, that whole mind thing between Twilight and Rarity is pretty cool...

...I've always been a big kinda TwiRarity shipper (When I'm not shipping Twilestia )

>>116150116150 next ones up!

Rarity's last line is just to funny xD

Is there really a harem....

wut

Here, I think you left some of these behind: </i></i></i>

>>120207120207

woops! lemme go fix that

Huh, I think this is the first story I've seen that drew a distinction between Princesses and alicorns.

Wait what? Rarity becomes Princess?

I'll just trust this is going to be awesome. Because it's been pretty awesome so far. But I'm sad about no more RariTwi mind link, because that was the funniest part of this.

MOAR

Rainbow's a Shadowbolt! Rarity is a princess! HAREM!

I can't even handle it. Can. Not. Handle.

Also, will likewise miss the Rarity/Twilight telepathy, as it was hilarious and made for surprisingly heart-warming bonding moments, but all things must pass. C'est la vie.

So Luna called on eldritch powers?

Image: http://pcmedia.gamespy.com/pc/image/article/747/747222/iwarhammer-age-of-reckoningi-the-hordes-of-chaos-20061121045649316.jpg

I would find a way to murder you with my mind.

Lol... Naughty Princess Celestia.

I need to know for certain.

IS THIS RARITWI SHIPPING?

I'm so confused on this matter.

Are twilight and rarity going to be able to communicate with their minds again? Was kinda sad when the connection broke because it was to funny xD

Oh my goddess! I love this. (Double plus especially the last line of chapter 10.)

Good story but did you really have to cut the mind link?

Perhaps it can be turned on and off.

Say, when Rarity takes off her crown/tiara/whatever it is.

I'll have to read this at some point- thanks Donny.

...fuck yeah.

Such good stuff.  

I'm gonna need you to explain to me how twilight managed to figure out that celestia was in the kelpie ship, and WHY she was in the ship, but it can wait until next time you're on irc.

Fantastic chapter!

Eeeepiiic

Very nice chapter, with some interesting things in it. The main criticism I have echoes an earlier reviewer. Why was Celestia in a non combat ship at the surface of the water fighting against a single vessel? Im no military strategist, but as a bad guy, I'd want her in the most fortified, guarded, and difficult to find place I could think of.

>>161668161668

it has to do with timing, and the best way they can think of to deal with a creature that can teleport. As Celestia mentioned at the end of the chapter, she's seen the palace before, meaning she's been to kelopolis before. Celestia, unlike Twilight, can make transit tunnels over vast distances, for instance from Canterlot to Ponyville. the kelpies know this (how you ask? Sounds like theres a leak somewhere! We may find out later) and surmised that the best way to prevent her escape was to keep her someplace completely off the map, so that she couldn't plot a magical exit because she didnt know where it would be safe to exit TO. It can be argued that a being like Celestia could teleport 60 miles up and just float down to earth or something similarly dramatic but if I dont slap a few limitations on her there isnt much point in including her in a story. As I write it, teleporting without knowing where you're going to end up is dangerous or impossible, and you cant know where you're going to end up unless you know where you are, relative to that position.

Twilight remembered this happening to her when Windswept trapped her the same way. She also realized that, because the princess was shackled up, it must have taken a great deal of effort to secure her. She wasn’t just carried off into the ocean by a bunch of kelpies, they had a ship waiting. A ship that no pony in mustang marine could see. Finally, the stars falling drove home that the timing on this operation was actually much tighter than she'd originally considered. The kelpies weren't planning days ahead, they were planning hours ahead. They wouldn't have time to relocate Celestia to someplace more secure, they'd only have time to get her outside Equestria's waters and keep her floating so she couldnt figure out where exactly she was. That, combined with the fact that keeping her safe really wasn’t a priority (she was a bargaining chip for a bigger prize, but should she be killed it would be almost as useful) drove twilight to surmise that the most likely place for her to be was right there, in a mobile ship hovering around equestria's border.

Think of it this way: youre right, if you were trying to protect celestia to use her as a hostage, youd want her in the most fortified, guarded, and difficult to find place you could think of. But that's if you have time, lots of resources, and your hostage isnt a phenomenally powerful being. Celestia could extract herself from nearly any fortification, and locking her to one location only increases the chances of her picking up a stray conversation that tells her where she is. But if you put her in a comparatively fragile boat and float her around underwater with a full crew around her, not only can she not get a point of reference to teleport away to, but she cant break free without hurting the ponies around her. In a way, they were using themselves as hostages in order to keep her in check.

Much of this will be spelled out a little clearer in the next chapter, im sure Applejack will have the same question!

This is an interesting story thus far, but I am a little concerned with the author's lack of responses to some very important comments posted earlier.  Some of this has made for some painfully difficult to accept points.

The kelpies are so drastically powerful that they are able to subdue and capture Celestia in the seat of her own power without any casualties and with complete and utter surprise.  However they make the most amateurish and incompetent move possible by bringing the very hostage to the enemy themselves and are caught completely by surprise in such a fashion that Twilight can rush the vessel and free Celestia quickly.

The bigger, badder, more powerful DBZ villian trope.  There was an opportunity to go for a more original angle, but it was not taken.  This is one of the prime factors that keep this as just another MLP FiM story instead of something that could be instrumental in defining what MLP FiM fan fiction could be.    

I want to mention, but not go into great detail as I could write an entire thesis on this, that the kelpies are not sufficiently balanced as a race.  Social, political, and environmental factors, restrictions, traditions, and rules do not factor into a race’s power balance compared to other species.  By all rights, they should control all islands and coastal lands, leaving Equestria hopelessly land-locked and contained.  After all, they have magic/powers capable of capturing Princess Celestia, they are completely amphibious without any serious worries about being out of water too long, and they are not adversely affected by water salinity or lack thereof.  Since the ocean is so massively deadly that sea monsters, by all rights, should be smashing Equestria’s coastal ports and cities on a daily basis, have made it harsh to live underwater, then it stands to reason most should have moved out of the environment long before ponies could have prevented them from colonizing the tidal zones, bays, estuaries, and coastal landmasses.

The story is, otherwise, a fun kind of read.  It just can hurt to think about it too much.

>>162033162033

There is a point of confusion here that stems from head canon, and isn't particularly 'solvable'. It simply is what it is. I'll attempt to clarify:

“The kelpies are so drastically powerful that they are able to subdue and capture Celestia in the seat of her own power without any casualties”

Your version of “My little pony” seems to involve Princess Celestia killing people. Mine does not. It really just comes down to that. But its worth bringing up that just because no bodies were found, doesn’t mean there weren’t any injuries. It just means they know how to remove evidence. Theres also nothing stating they didn't have help, just that Twilight didn't notice any during her brief examination. Theres a lot of story left to tell.

“The bigger, badder, more powerful DBZ villain trope.”

Season one began with a villain that consisted of someones sister banished to the moon for a thousand years, who came back to shroud the world in darkness because she was...jealous. It ended with a dragon that could break every law of physics and throw equestria into turmoil because he was...tricky.  Both of which were solved by a group of presumably barely-adult ponies who activated a dues ex machina machine to slay the enemy with a care-bare-stare. Without killing them.  This is a My Little Pony story, it follows My Little Pony rules. Thats just the sort of story it is, if it cant be enjoyed for entertainment's sake, it may just not be your type of story. I try to explain things to a degree, but I dont go any further than the show does.  My villain is a big villain because I find big villains fun, and because the show seems to have a niche for them.

“By all rights, they should control all islands and coastal lands, leaving Equestria hopelessly land-locked and contained.”

You're making a lot of assumptions based on circumstantial observation. The story has only ever showed one kelpie doing two things, one time. Windswept created an air bubble underwater, and created a gush of water sufficient to knock one pony off her feet. Everything else, the capture of celestia for instance, was inferred by Twilight based on cursory observation. How did they get into the palace to begin with? They've never shown any ability to teleport or travel through solid walls, abilities a unicorn infant seems to be able to manifest intuitively. How did they get the princess to the sea? They cant seem to fly or create tornados or manipulate lightning storms like pegasi can. It would seem to me that they had help that has yet to show itself in the story.

“Since the ocean is so massively deadly that sea monsters, by all rights, should be smashing Equestria’s coastal ports and cities on a daily basis, have made it harsh to live underwater, then it stands to reason most should have moved out of the environment long before ponies could have prevented them from colonizing the tidal zones, bays, estuaries, and coastal landmasses.”

Aside from using “sea monsters” and “it stands to reason” in the same sentence, which is in itself a little funny, especially because I don't think “controlling sea monsters” has ever been included in the story any more than land ponies can control an Ursa Major, your kelpies seem a bit more intent on world domination than mine are. Again: this story does include non-canon elements, but its attempting (as best I can, being an amateur) to FEEL like the show, with the exception of a little adult humor to keep it interesting. Princess Celestia and Princess Aurora have history, and there isnt much motivation for the Kelpies to go waging war on Equestria to secure terrain that provides them with nothing of value they can't get from the sea, save for a sunny rock to sit on. They're clearly more at home in the water.  

In short, they are as content with their home as the ponies are content with Equestria, a land that controls the very sun and moon, and yet still hasn’t decided to mow down the everfree forest or invade wherever it is that Fluttershy sends that dragon in the Dragonshy episode. As humans, this strikes us as a little odd. We have a history of global expansions and warring for territory. But if I stray down that path ill start writing a Stephen King novel and frankly, I don't want to. I invite you to come up with whatever reason you feel is correct to explain why they aren’t swarming out of the ocean in droves to take over all the surfer-ponies houses, but I am content to leave the issue alone.

“The story is, otherwise, a fun kind of read.  It just can hurt to think about it too much.”

Im glad you found something in it you like!  Hopefully you will continue to do so. As to the second part of your statement, the solution is simple: stop thinking about it too much. This is a story based off a show that throws “hard science” about as far out the window as it can reach (“three nations of ponies get pounded by a blizzard for generations and...oh!  Its a Windigo. I read about those in a book once. Gosh, its a shame Im the only pony with a book”-Clover the Clueless), and the story makes no attempt to apologize for that. If parts of it seem a little far fetched, just consider that it isn't finished yet, and some secrets have yet to be uncovered. If that still doesn’t work, then I might just not be the right sort of author for you.

Synchronicity doesn’t exist to give me an outlet to describe every aspect of pony and kelpie culture: its an adventure. When it has time to get into the details, it does, to about the level the show would. Those questions that are left unanswered, I leave to the reader to explore on their own. After all, thats the basis behind this entire fandom. Otherwise, MLP would just be another show for little girls. Hopefully this helps explain a bit of the mentality behind the story, thank you for your observations!

Just started reading this story and it is goddamn amazing.  I'm really enjoying it and look forward to more chapters. (like right now, no? how bout now? damn...)

>>162788162788

heh, glad you like it. I just updated yesterday! gimmie some time, man!

>>162656162656

I shall leave an actual review soon, but in the interim:

"In short, they are as content with their home as the ponies are content with Equestria, a land that controls the very sun and moon, and yet still hasn’t decided to mow down the everfree forest or invade wherever it is that Fluttershy sends that dragon in the Dragonshy episode."

For what it's worth, it makes perfect sense to me that the kelpies haven't tried to conquer Equestria. As presented in this story, they seem rather isolationist, cautious, and distrustful as a people, so I'd expect them to hunker down in their own land rather than go venturing into foreign lands.

Waha haaa!  Finally somepony who grants Rarity her due!  I would be quick to serve Her Royal Highness.

On land Kelpies have a huge disadvantage anyways.

Even assuming they have a population advantage, which may be implied seeing as their civilization is much more closely knit than Equestria, bit still spreads over thousands of square miles. Kelpies can't function well on land. Without ready access to water, one would assume that they have next to no powers either. They may be able to dominate coastal regions, but they wouldn't get any benefit from anything further.

Why launch a war of aggression against a people that does you no harm, doesn't even know you exist by and large, and has nothing you need/want?

The 'Lords of the Sea' are simply misguided radicals that are terrified of the oncoming threat. Granted I'll wait to see what the author says about the supposed collaboration they received from others. As is alluded, it seems like P.C. was herded into her room, close to the waterway, where the Kelpies could actually manage to snag her, I doubt they would be able to assault Canterlot or Celestia in any other fashion. This still doesn't mean that the kelpies are smart... one would assume that Celestia would work to fight them anyways, without coercion... but solid, well-thought motives are rare amongst fringe groups.

Okay, for realsies review time! Whoo!

This chapter was notably short on comedy this go 'round, but given the amount of action packed in, that's understandable. Things I liked: How unexpectedly competent Pinkie seems as a naval commander, how Fluttershy slipped into addressing Pinkie as "Admiral," the vote of confidence Applejack had for Rarity's ability to serve Equestria as a princess, and Twilight BEING A COMPLETE AND TOTAL BADASS.

I loved that entire scene--Twilight's quick deductive reasoning, telling Pinkie to duck (and Pinkie doing so unquestioningly), Twilight's mad race through the other ship, "If I have half the right to hold the Element of Magic, I need these doors to OPEN," all of it. That was heart-pounding good stuff.

Some points of possible improvement: There are a fair number of typos and places where proper names should be capitalized and haven't been. Also, and this is mostly a matter of personal bias, I'd consider spelling Applejack's dialogue in a less phonetic way. It's a bit distracting, and I feel that, since we the readers already know what Applejack sounds like, her accent and dialect can be conveyed using vocabulary and syntax rather than relying on spelling. But that might just be me.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

This fanfiction, I think, is the epitome of what a fanfic should be. It Carries the same Character as the series, The same Vibe. This is not "Characters from Mlp:Fim go through a scenario the Author's made up". This is ostensibly what MLP:FiM would have been, if it was aimed at an adult audiance from the get go. The characters feel alive, The plot is riveting and the comedy doesn't feel forced. (this fic has had me in stitches at four or five different points, Laughing out loud while trying desperately not to wake my family. When I say this is a rare occurance, I mean it.) There are some minor issues in relation to spelling and the like, but these a neglible enough as to be irrelevant. I'd go on and on with praise, but I've found shorter posts tend to seem more genuinely sincere than half a novel of gushing, So I'll leave off with this: Followed, Fived and Fave'd

>>166982166982

wow, thank you very much!  Im really happy you're enjoying it so much, I hope it continues to live up to your expectations as it gets closer to completion. thanks again, this is very kind

>>165372165372

Thanks for providing regular input, Donnie's Boy. Its great to have readers that have stuck around since the beginning and still find the story enjoyable. I hope it continues to entertain you!

First, as a new member of the community, let me say, "I'm sorry."  For a long time, I didn't understand the appeal of the fandom at all.  It was something I simply couldn't wrap my head around until an artist I greatly respect posted some work and made me decide to give it a shot.  I now reside firmly in you camp, even if I continue to do so in secret and for reasons I still don't completely understand.

Anyway, I should move onto the actual relevant part, which is the review.  After reading the entirety of the work, I have to say it's one of the best things that I've ever read.  I am being completely serious when I say that it is better assembled than some published works I have read.  There are a few spelling and grammatical errors, yes, namely a proliferation of their/there/they're style errors, but nothing that broke the flow for me.  Like LH, the comedic and dramatic points felt very well fleshed-out to me.  Several instances had me laughing, but Pinkie's entrance as Admiral Something-or-other literally had me in stitches.  I can see her performing those antics perfectly, the pipe bouncing of the sailor's head with a Woody Woodpecker rat-a-tat-tat.

On that note, I wouldn't be surprised if the kelpies as the author describes them actually become canon later in the show.  They are amazingly well thought-out, and personally, I think they're very well balanced.  We've seen the response of the creators with regards to "Derpy," and I think these creatures may make a similar impression.

As for the phonetic use of Applejack's drawl, I actually found it very useful.  But then again, I like Hemingway, so take that as you will.  But personally, I like seeing a character's tones and tempo portrayed in the spelling.  It helps to reinforce their particular quirks, and in instances of Hemingway-esque conversation, where many lines of dialogue bounce between different characters with no supporting text, it makes it very clear which character is saying what.

Lastly, I am eager to see the expansion of the plot as well as the expansion of the relationships in this story.  The failed Rarity/RD fling in the past was an excellent addition that added a lot of depth to the characters and I think the author can definitely work something similar out with any other relationships.  On that note, I am a bit curious as to who will wind up with whom.  I'm pretty certain that I know who RD has feelings for, but the hinted at, but never confirmed snippets surrounding Rarity, Twilight, and Applejack leaves it open for many directions.

In conclusion, a wonderful work that I will fave and five as soon as I figure out how to work this thing.

>>169070169070

Absolutely! And just to be clear, my suggestions were things I consider pretty minor. Overall, I think this is a fantastic story, and I've been loving it. Don't want you to think otherwise.

>>172328172328

"As for the phonetic use of Applejack's drawl, I actually found it very useful.  But then again, I like Hemingway, so take that as you will."

Fair enough, there. It is a matter of stylistic preference, I believe, rather than right or wrong, and I hope I didn't imply otherwise. But I thought I'd throw in my two cents, 'cause hey, why not.

Perhaps not coincidentally, while I respect Hemingway quite a bit for the great writer he was, I'm personally not fond of him. Heh.

>>172328172328

Thank you so much for the kind words, SIGWolf, Im really glad you like the story. hopefully it will continue to live up to your expectations. Welcome to the MLP fandom, may you find stuff you like here!  XD im not going to hold my breath about Hasbro adopting kelpies as canon, thats some pretty wishful thinking, but its awesome that you feel they could fit in naturally with the environment, as that was the intention.  as to the relationships, theres a lot of ways for that to go in this fic and I intend to keep it that way. one of the fun things about he show is it doesn't force you into certain relationships, and its my hope that this fic will provide anyone's favorite ship with plenty of additional ammunition.

first chapter........

U KNOW WHAT IM READING THE NEXT FEW DAYSZ

damn who know feelings could be orgasmic

Epic stuff, Sev! A few little niggling points of critique, though.

In the paragraph that begins with "Magical energy ricocheted off the walls", there's a mention of "grabbing hands" which perhaps ought to refer to fins or flippers.

In the paragraph that begins with "“FIRE ON THAT SHIP!”", Applejack's name isn't capitalized.

Near the end, the camelcase capitalization of "DonJons" seems a bit out of place.

>>191141191141 got it, thanks!

Need more references to the Firemare in fic works.

Loving it still.

first time for a first ^^ and I love this story

Twilight getting angry cause it was not the doozy in the dragon episode . Season 1 remember?

Only thing that stuck out was Celestia calling Twilight 'Firemare.' Would she do this? This is assuming 'Firemare' is a reference to her little explosion in episode 15, or am I missing something?

Thanks for the update!

Lovin' this so much.

>>195204195204

I'm actually a bit lost on that one myself.  I thought S1E15 was the Pinkie-sense episode.  I didn't see anything that could be considered a Firemare, just a hydra.

ETA: Nevermind.  S1E15, about 19:10 in is what I'm guessing Sev's referencing.  Which reminds me that I didn't actually comment on the chapter.  Another great one, I particularly enjoyed Aurora's personality.  She very much has the air of a pragmatic strategist about her, with a little bit of an air of mystery as well.  Really an excellent contrast to Celestia's "all-knowing benevolence" style.

>>195949195949

http://youtu.be/ANV8-82pcq4?t=19m14s

shes done this a few times now

Hey, it's Aurora! I dig her interactions with Celestia. They're tense, and even from their relatively brief conversation, it's clear there are indeed centuries of history between the two of them. Also, Aurora provides a good foil for Celestia--they're both so different from one another and yet, at heart, they're both just princesses trying to protect their ponies. I also like, and am amused, that Aurora calls Twilight the Firemare. I wonder if the other Element bearers have their own nicknames too or whether it's just Twilight.

I also like that the kelpies apparently know more about the Element bearers than do Equestrian ponies, and they seem to respect the Element bearers more too, as with the kelpie guards' apparent deference to Applejack and Pinkie Pie. The whole "loved everywhere but in your hometown" thing, I suppose.

I am intrigued as to what Aurora will do to "spark" the Element of Magic, when the time does. This whole chapter does a good job of creating a sense of suspense and expectation, I believe.

There are still a number of issues with typos--words capitalized that shouldn't be (and vice versa), missing apostrophes, confusion of “it’s” with “its,” things of that nature. Just so you're aware. Most of it I don't find particularly distracting, though I did in the case of encountering "capture" when you'd meant "captor." You might wish to revise for that.

One last note: You might want to note that the Ask Windswept tumblr is quite NSFW. I went to the link and, after a bit of scrolling, immediately panicked and was all, "Eek! Go back, go back, go back!"

So, this fanfic is the greatest thing i've read out of this community.

Get fucked, FO:E.

Very good. The world building is excellent, above and beyond any other fic I've read except maybe It's a Dangerous Business.

That said, there are some small grammatical mistakes that could use fixing up, but nothing serious.

Looking forward to the next chapter and the next tumblr update!

A chapter... with words!

Only one comment, great chapter btw... couple comments actually:

"There not a single Kelpie born that doesn't know about the Age of Discord by the time their old enough to not swim off in fear when the story gets told."

1. Improper use of "their," should be "they're" as in "they are" (EDIT: Looks like there's more than one case that needs fixin')

2. Meaning is finally clear to me, but I had to reread it about ten times. Maybe it was just a slow moment.

Thanks for the update!

There is a lot of fanon background, I wonder if this should place it into the "alternate universe" tag area.  It certainly is interesting.

Y u do this? I was about to go to bed. Besides that great chapter keep up the good work :D! Have a moustache spike.

But what about RARITY?!

Huzzah, new chapter!

Aww, so we only get to find out what Applejack and Twilight are called by the kelpies, but not the other four Element bearers? Such a tease.

Really dig the world-building going on here. That's this story's greatest strength, I think, the breadth and scope of it all. It's a swash-buckling epic adventure, and it FEELS like one.

That said, this chapter and the last have been notably slower paced than the previous chapters and, given that the End Is Nigh, I am hoping the next chapter steps up the pace a bit. Also, would love to see what Rarity, Rainbow, and Luna have all been doing--it's been a while since we've checked in on them.

>>249834249834

I believe you mean Princess Rarity

And, because I'm a sucker for mythic stuff like that, what are the other four titles?

>>9496994969

>new to fanfiction

>writing is amazing

...

fuck you, bro... just... fuck you...

(We still love you though)

I am already picking apart Twilights theory. Harmony is a force like gravity, strong and weak nuclear forces, and the electromagnetic spectrum (which magic is likely a part of if it isn't a separate force). How does one convert one force into another?

"I graduated flight school,Beeyotch!"

Why do I get the feeling Star Swirl's wore a bow tie?

Thus far, I have only noticed a small amount of missing punctuation/grammar & spelling mistakes. You may want to recheck it, or get an editor.

>>318260318260

Because bowties are cool

>>310966310966

My heart skipped a beat at that... you mean I'm not the only one that tries to explain things scientifically that should not be thought about in a scientific manner? That is a relief...

>>112241112241

Dude, it's a fanfic. I can understand an issue with bad punctuation and all, but if that is leeching the fun out of reading for you, perhaps you're a bit too focused on the text and not the spirit of the story? If you can see it all in your mind's eye as you read, then what does it matter if there's a couple minor errors? They are worth fixing to be sure, you should always strive for perfection even if it cannot be obtained... but if you're such a perfectionist that you can't enjoy a story missing a couple comas, then perhaps you need to rethink how and why you read? I don't presume to correct you, I just ask that you think about it... okay?