Fluttershy meets a Colt in the meadow. Will they end up as friends as not telling their feelings for each other or end up a coltfriend and fillyfriend? Tis my first thou fanfic please enjoy :) (sorry for the royal words hehehe)
OC x Mane 6
One of the most retarded descriptions i've ever seen
Everything's fucking centered
Random screenshot from the show and a song in the middle
“(pants, pants) Angel I’ve been looking for u everywhere… oh you’ve made a new friend Angel.”“Ummm… my name is (hard exhale) Sapphire miss umm…?” Sapphire says
“Ummm… my name is (hard exhale) Sapphire miss umm…?” Sapphire says
Don't even try the OC x Mane 6 thing. I've seen exactly ONE STORY out of the hundreds/thousands of fics i've read that does this right.
You need to go do something good bro or karma's gonna be out to get you
Tis my first thou fanfic please enjoy :) (sorry for the royal words hehehe)
Congrats. I don't think anyone has ever made me GOUGE MY EYES OUT before the story actually begins.
Alrighty then. Review time. Seeing as this is your first fanfic, I won't go easy on you. Nope, I'll be even stricter. That way you won't make these mistakes again I'm using my colour system for reviewing this, I'll explain it below:
Red shows a typo.
Blue shows something I'd add.
Green shows something I believe is grammatically incorrect.
And just as a little heads-up, (centre) is normally reserved for titles, headers and other small parts. Not as a writing style.
It was a normal day in Ponyville, the sun is shining, and the birds are whistling. Fluttershy was (Tense-jump here.) is talking to her pet bunny Angel. “Oh Angel please eat your breakfast… it’s a carrot, your favourite.” S (only need a lower-case here)ays Fluttershy.(Need a period here.“Uhum!” says Angel.(Need a period here.)“Oh pleasey weezy cheezy Angel” says FluttershyAngel runs through the far away meadow.“Angel!” shouted (Tense jump again) shouts Fluttershy.(Period.)Fluttershy follows Angel… then suddenly Angel was (Tense jump) is nowhere to be found. Fluttershy searchedsearches for Angel till she looked looks in the meadow. She sees Angel then a Colt sitting beside him. Ok, I can't make out what tense you're trying to write in so I'll assume present tense, and highlight all past-tense phrases.“Hmmm… why don’t u (Really?) you tell me your name, little bunny?” the colt said.(Period)“Angel!” Fluttershy shouts(Period)“Huh?” the colt says(Period)“(pants, pants) (I would consider writing this into the story) Angel I’ve been looking for u (Again, don't use text slang in a story.) you everywhere… oh you’ve made a new friend, Angel!”“Ummm… my name is (hard exhale) (See above) Sapphire miss umm…?” Sapphire says(Period.)“Im I'm fluttershy Fluttershy.” She whispers Period!Sapphire has excellent hearing…“Ok miss Fluttershy” Sapphire smiles Period!
“Oh Angel please eat your breakfast… it’s a carrot, your favourite.” S (only need a lower-case here)ays Fluttershy.(Need a period here.
“Uhum!” says Angel.(Need a period here.)
“Oh pleasey weezy cheezy Angel” says Fluttershy
Angel runs through the far away meadow.
“Angel!” shouted (Tense jump again) shouts Fluttershy.(Period.)
Fluttershy follows Angel… then suddenly Angel was (Tense jump) is nowhere to be found. Fluttershy searchedsearches for Angel till she looked looks in the meadow. She sees Angel then a Colt sitting beside him.
Ok, I can't make out what tense you're trying to write in so I'll assume present tense, and highlight all past-tense phrases.
“Hmmm… why don’t u (Really?) you tell me your name, little bunny?” the colt said.(Period)
“Angel!” Fluttershy shouts(Period)
“Huh?” the colt says(Period)
“(pants, pants) (I would consider writing this into the story) Angel I’ve been looking for u (Again, don't use text slang in a story.) you everywhere… oh you’ve made a new friend, Angel!”
“Ummm… my name is (hard exhale) (See above) Sapphire miss umm…?” Sapphire says(Period.)
“Im I'm fluttershy Fluttershy.” She whispers Period!
Sapphire has excellent hearing…
“Ok miss Fluttershy” Sapphire smiles Period!
Ok, points for improvement.
1) Find a pre-reader: Get someone to read your stories before you publish them. This will make them a lot better.
2) Put all text on the left: Don't centre it! Reserve that for titles.
3) Try not to use images or youtube links in the story: It makes it look sloppy. You can can subtly add links to youtube videos like this: Will take you to this page rather than YouTube, but you get my point.
Hope this is somewhat useful! Mail me if you have any questions or need advice.
~Sierra, TWE Admin.
NOTE: you should never have the OC in question in the cover picture, if there is no fluttershy in said picture, and if there is, there needs to be something happening.
Listen to sierra, he knows what he's saying...
What is up with people and their obsessiveness with shipping their OC crap with EVERY GOD DAMN MAIN CHARACTER IN EVERYTHING EVER?!
OC characters can be shipped with other OC's generally. That's about it.
IF you develop them properly.
Come on man, did you even try??
Why is everything centered?
This story made Fluttershy cry.
Now, why the fuck did you use "u" instead of "you"?
Video in a story?
Oh boy, stealing my thunder, are we? Anyway.
Because you already did this I'll just give the once over with the most glaring mistakes.
First. Fix your description.
Don't use a ponycreator image. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Onto the story.
>Off the bat the center spacing is all wrong.
>You don't have to add links to youtube videos etc. If a person wants to hear the song they can ask you in the comments and you can link the song.
>Colt doesn't need to be capitalize (and it's stallion by the way. Colt refers to a male foal, like Pipsqueak)
>Tense changes, tense changes everywhere. Keep it in either present or past tense.
>Your pacing... it's faster then the indy five hundred.
>Describe more. What does Sapphire look like in Fluttershy's eyes. Why does she like him? What does the meadow look like?
>For the love of god don't spell you 'u'. This isn't some text message, it's a story.
>Capitalization. So many errors I'd spend an hour pointing them out.
>Fluttershy seems too outgoing. She's much more shy then how you portrayed her
then someone buges butts in,gets the carrots and pays the man
>*Using these things make you look stupid* (Same with describing character actions in these brackets)
>Capitalize your 'I's. Didn't they teach you that in school?
>He says, she says. Use different words then just said ninety percent of the time.
as they walk Sapphire talks in his mind
End of the day: your story sucks.
1) Why is the entire first half centered?
2) Why is there a picture in the middle of the story?
3) Why is there a YouTube video in the middle of the story? I don't mind the song itself, but I came here to read, not listen to music.
4) In order for a romance to work, especially one involving one of the mane six, and especially one involving an OC as well, you need a whole lot of buildup and character development. "Love at first sight" doesn't work very well, especially here. As Rarity said, they need to talk and get to know each other before 'in love' can really happen, and we need to see it happen. Just saying 'they talked and got to know each other' won't cut it.
5) What's with the random Twilight cameo?
6) Walls of text are unpleasant to look at. Add an extra space between your paragraphs or indent them.
7) The only things that should be in quotes are the words the characters actually say out loud. For example:
Should be: "Ummm... my name is Saphire," Saphire says with a loud exhale. "And you are Miss... umm...?" or something along those lines.
8) While on that note, your story needs a lot more narration to balance out the dialogue. Describe the setting. Describe the characters, both physically and emotionally, so we can get to know them and make a connection.
9) The scene with the carrots seemed like it was just ripped out of the episode "Putting Your Hoof Down." Try something different. That kind of thing doesn't tend to get positive feedback.
10) You can't seem to decide whether or not to tell the story in past tense or present tense. To be honest, with so little narration, I'm having a hard time figuring it out myself. Pick one and stick with it.
11) Please don't start with a weather report. There are far more interesting ways to start a story.
12) Fluttershy's complete breakdown in the carrot scene was overkill. Would she be nervous? Yes. Would she completely break down? Unless it's an angry griffon screaming in her face, probably not.
13) Why does Sapphire say having a 'feeling' during the hug is a problem?
14) Grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Oh boy, this is going to take several bullet points.
- Attribution verbs (such as said) do not need to be capitalized unless they start a sentence.
- If a quote is followed by an attribution verb, it should end with a comma instead of a period. The attribution verb should not be capitalized.
- Colt does not need to be capitalized.
- 'u' is not a word, it's a vowell. You're looking for 'you.' Please spell it out. This isn't a text message.
- Every sentence needs a period, question mark, or exclamation point at the end. Usually a period. Make sure they have one.
- The word 'I' is always capitalized. Always. No exceptions.
- 'In love' is two words, not one.
- 'ill' is a word that means sick. 'I'll' is a contraction of 'I will,' meaning the speaker intends to do something in the future. Don't get the two mixed up.
- 'im' is not a word. You want 'I'm,' the contraction for 'I am.'
- The apostrophe in 'doesn't' goes between the n and the t, not the s and the n.
- 'Its' is a possessive adjective, meaning something belongs to something else, 'It's' is a contraction of 'It is.' Don't get the two mixed up.
- The first word in every sentence needs to be capitalized. Names and proper nouns need to be capitalized. 'I' needs to be capitalized. Nothing else does.
- 'Of course' is two words, not one.
- 'cuz' isn't a real word. You want 'cause, which is a colloquial abbreviation of 'because.'
- 'id' is the name of a fictional land in a comic strip. 'I'd' is the contraction of 'I would,' which indicates that the speaker wishes to do something. Don't get the two mixed up.
- 'What's' has an apostrophe.
- 'There carrots' is not a complete sentence. 'The carrots are over there,' would be much better.
- 'buges' is not a real word. I think you mean 'budges.'
- 'men' do not exist in Equestria. Adult males are stallions, adult females are mares, young males are colts, and young females are fillies (though they are sometimes called 'girls' among friends). This terminology is expected among MLP fanfiction writers and readers.
- 'talkes' is not a real word. I think you want 'talks.'
- 'ur' is not a real word. I'm pretty sure you want 'your' (possessive) or 'you're' (contraction of 'you are').
- 'ull' is not a word either. You want 'you'll,' a contraction of 'you will,' indicating the person being addressed will do something in the future. Also, it has an apostrophe.
I could go on for a bit more, but this list is long enough as it is. Please proofread your stories. Poor grammar is often a sign of poor writing and, by extension, poor storytelling, so most people won't bother reading a story with poor grammar. Fixing it can be tedious, but it will do you wonders in the long run.
Anyways, hope you find this helpful. Good luck!
In comes the Train Wreck! Lord and master of tough love, Fallen Prime, residing.
...god, that was awful. Guys, never let me introduce myself like that again!
Anyway, I'm here to look at your story, "Love has bloomed first time for the shy one." Right off the bat, the title is a mouthful and an eyesore. Find something shorter and more concise, and use proper capitalization for it.
Your attempt at Old English... just get rid of it. It's not even close to accurate. "Thou" means "you," so you're saying "It's my first your fanfic." Also, it really saddens me to see authors use "fist story" as a crutch and an excuse. True, writing styles do evolve and mature, but the first product shouldn't be dismissed because it IS the first product.
And there's little that's more bland than a Pony Creator image for the story. All it shows is the OC, but the story's image should be better related to the story itself than to the characters in it.
Speaking of the OC... Sapphire here is basically just a colt version of Fluttershy. Seriously, if you colored him like her and named him Butterscotch, nothing would change. (And yes, that's a nod to the fanon-recognized stallion version of Fluttershy.)
I'm not going to harp on the OC being paired with one of the mane six. It can be done right, but it's not easy. Here, though, the OC is tailor-made to match Fluttershy's personality. A good OC, shipfic or otherwise, should be able to stand out as their own separate character. Though having the OC's life revolve around the canon character rather than the other way around is a refreshing change of pace.
The grammar and spelling leave a bit to be desired, but that's nothing a good, hard proofreading couldn't fix. In fact, Sierra started doing that earlier with the first few bits of the story. Plus, you don't attribute enough of the dialogue to a speaker, so it becomes harder to figure out who's saying what lines.
Please, please don't center-align your story. There's nothing more obnoxious than story-wide center-alignment.
Really? Song lyrics? An embedded YouTube video with another song? There's no context for either of those, and it's entirely out of place.
Overall, this could be a better story. You'd just need to use a more fleshed-out OC, fewer/no songs or lyrics, and a spelling and grammar check/
im not even gonna bother anymore... i've lost my lust for being a mean concritter
You have made the collective Mane Six cry. Be ashamed.
>>12416901241690 Why thank you.
It's... some sort of avant-garde poem, I guess.
TA: This story is as random as fuck. Are you one of those linear thinkers or one of those dogs from Up? Probably the second one, because I don't think this can be saved.
Like, Blue Angel?
Then again, the shipping doesn't exist for that one yet.
Bad fanfic is bad.
"Tis my first thou fanfic please enjoy (sorry for the royal words hehehe)"
You should be sorry for them, because they don't make any sense. Thou does not mean what you think it means. The rest of the story doesn't get much better. Ripping off Vanessa Carlton songs is not a fic.(Yes, I looked up those lyrics.) While I would suggest proofreading, I'd at least put this through a spell check first, as it is filled with misspellings. Run-on sentences run amok throughout, and some words are simply smashed together. While I may be beating a dead horse, so to speak (PUNS!) by trying to point out flaws, I feel that the quality of this story could be improved dramatically by fixing some of these small errors.
The centering looks terrible, and should be reserved for titles. Indent your paragraphs as well. (Which you should have, this is a centered wall, no paragraphs) COMMAS! learn how to use a comma to show breaks in text, as characters are implied to be talking very quickly without stopping unless you use commas. As much as I hate centering, you couldn't even be bothered to keep one consistent alignment throughout the story, as it shifts back to normal after your awful "music," if I can even call it that. Sapphire's song lyrics were blatantly ripped off from another song, if you're going to include song lyrics, (which you shouldn't, by the way.) they should at least be original.
Sapphire has no personality of his own, and doesn't seem like a character at all. This story feels less like a romantic fan-fiction and more like teenage gossip, which is further perpetuated throughout the fic by the text slang and links to songs that are not relevant. (and horrible, IMO) Rarity's "advice" made no sense what so ever, and seemed like a mix of common sense and random babbling. Sapphire's song lyrics were very bad and were put in randomly. You stole a scene right from the show, and didn't even try to hide it. The "they talked and got to know each other" part should have been included, as that is the key part of a romance fic. Why even include Twilight, only to have such a small part?
I guess the way I would describe this fic is immature. This has nothing to do with age, as I know immature people of all ages. It seems like you know nothing about love, but you heard a song on the radio one day and thought that was how romance worked. I may be particularly harsh on this story because it's a romance story, which takes subtlety, something you have none of, and because it's OC shipped with mane 6, which as others have said, is bad. Maybe try another fic once you know how romance works, and maybe after you learn how to write. I know it's your first story, but that makes me hate it more, if only because I hate when people use that excuse to publish horrible works.
EDIT: Well, I suppose the story is gone now, but maybe you could try again, but proofread and make your OC's more believable.
>>12417531241753 I think RD is laughing in that emote.
She's laughing so hard she's crying. Hence tears,
>Be scrolling down Romance category
>Sees OC made in pony maker
>>12417531241753 And BG ponies, too!
>>12426041242604 I'm not too knowledgeable about the icons.. but where can I get that Vinyl emote?
>>12427751242775 Yes! Thank you ^^
>>12427751242775 I feel stupid...but how do i use this?
Chrome: Download Tampermonkey (link is on the page), then click [install] in the corner
Firefox: I have no clue
im sorry I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD FOR U EVERYONE