Applejack
It was a beautiful day at Sweet Apple Acres. The sun was shining, there was a faint breeze in the air, and the cows had actually paid their rent for once (bovines being notorious for late checks). Granny Smith was in the kitchen, dreaming of a world without pears (the mortal enemy of the apple), Big Macintosh was plowing the field while thinking up a term for stallions that liked Smarty Pants Dolls, and Applejack was doing what she did best: bucking trees (not that way, ya perverts!).
The orange earth pony trotted up to the red delicious tree, giving it a good once over before selecting the right spot. "15% power," she muttered before turning around and giving it a light buck. The tree trembled slightly and a single apple fell down, which she snatched up and sampled. "I told Big Macintosh ya were ready! Ha! He should be listenin' to me more often!" Bracing herself, she readied her legs for a powerful buck.
"No!"
"What in tarnation!?!" Applejack exclaimed, turning to give the tree a good hard look. Figuring she must have been hearing things, Applejack prepared to give the tree a good bucking (again, not like that, ya sickos!).
"Please don't!"
Applejack slowly turned, staring at the tree in horror. "What...what did you say?"
"Please stop bucking, I'm trying to sleep.”
"Y-you talked!"
The tree let out a weary sigh. "Of course I did."
“I…can’t believe it!”
“Why can’t you believe it, Applejack?”
The earth pony began to back away, eyes wide with fear. “You know my name?”
“Are you losing it Applejack?” the tree complained. “Of course I know your name!”
"A talkin’ tree…oh Lord, the stories were true!” Applejack bowed her head in reverence, remembering the legends her Grandpa Sourapple use to tell her. “I’m sorry I’ve been buckin’ your kin, Lord Tree! I’ll do anything to make it up ta ya! I’ll be your faithful servant!”
"I'm not a tree, I'm Twilight."
"Twi...Twilight!?!?” Applejack sprung up, trotting about the tree. “Sweet Bessie May, did a spell go wonky on ya and turn ya into a tree? Fluttershy is gonna be so jealous…"
"AJ, up here." Applejack slowly glanced up and found Twilight laying amongst the leaves, her eyes closed.
"Twilight, don't be doin' that to me! Had me thinkin' I was goin' nuttier than one of my cousin Applecake’s fruit cake!"
"Well, I am already nuttier than that, so welcome to the club," Twilight groused in annoyance, shutting her eyes. "Can you please buck this tree tomorrow? I'm trying to get some sleep."
"Now why would you be restin' in a tree?"
Twilight groaned. "I'm hiding."
“From who?”
“Myself, a crazy human, time lords, my maybe-mother-who-is-also-a-princess, and Lyra. And that is just naming a few.”
Applejack’s brow furrowed. "...this wouldn't have anything to do with you blowin' your lid a few times over the last few days?"
Twilight hung her head in shame. "Yeah."
Applejack turned and gave the tree a gentle buck, sending her friend tumbling down. The earth pony managed to catch her and gently placed her at the base of the trunk before settling down next to her. "Now ya listen here, Twi...don't let ya gettin' all mad get ya down. I let my temper get the best of me plenty of times and mopin' don't do me no good. Best ya can do is just suck it up, apologize to those that need apologizin' too, shrug your shoulders when it comes to the ones that deserved the scoldin’ and get on with ya life."
Twilight looked up at the sky, watching the clouds drift by (and she was pretty sure one of the clouds looked like Scootaloo…) "I wish it was that simple."
"Can be if you let it."
‘Maybe Scootaloo is a cloud that…no, stop that!’ Twilight thought before addressing her friend. "You don't understand...I've spent so much time hearing about Scootaloo that now I need to know the answer...if only to prove that all those other theories are dead wrong."
"Shoot girl, is that all ya need? I can help ya out with that!"
"You...you can?"
"Darn tootin'! I know all about that little filly and I can tell ya the true story right now."
Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Are you going to claim Scootaloo is any of the following: a chicken, from the future, a superhero, or a human?"
"Nope, nah, no way, and don’t know what that is!"
"Then by all means, Applejack, tell your story."
"Alright, now I heard this one from a pony that heard it from another pony, so I might be gettin' my facts wrong...."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Well, apparently we aren’t Cutie Mark Pirates," Applebloom complained, pulling off her eye-patch. "All we managed to pillage was a few sandwiches and Fluttershy was gonna give them to us anyway." She kicked the little rowboat in annoyance, nearly sending Sweetie Belle, who had been getting out, into the water.
"Watch it!" Sweetie Belle cried out, gripping her pirate hat. "If I get my mane wet Rarity will throw a fit."
Scootaloo shook her head, a bandana wrapped around her head and a toy sword tucked under her wing. "We need to think bigger...there must be something we can do to get our cutie marks!" Her tail flicked in annoyance and her little wings buzzed as she thought. "What about Cutie Mark Lion Tamers!"
"Where are we gonna find a lion at this hour?" Applebloom asked as she tied up the rowboat.
"We could use a rabbit. They are like lions with long ears," Sweetie Belle offered, only for her friends to just stare at her. "What? It's a good idea!"
"...I think we should just-" Applebloom never finished, her jaw hanging and a hoof quivering as she pointed at Scootaloo's flank. "Look...how..."
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked at the pegasus filly's flank, eyes wide at the sight of the brilliant sun cutie mark that adorned her orange skin. "You...you got your cutie mark!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
"I did?" Scootaloo said, eyes wide. She reached over and, with a flick of her hoof...peeled away the sticker that had become stuck to her. "Darn it!"
"Aw!" The other two girls moaned.
Scootaloo shook her head. "Well, that was depressing." The girls talked for a few moments before each of them took their leave, going their separate ways. The moment Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were out of sight Scootaloo shook her head, using a bit of magic to make the sticker disappear. "That...was too close." She flexed her wings, which grew in size till they were perfect for flying, and with a quick gallop took to the air, heading towards Canterlot.
"Uh, AJ? Scootaloo can't fly and she can't use magic."
"Don't worry Twi, I'll address that in a moment."
Night had fallen on Canterlot, just as Scootaloo had planned. She had made sure to time her flight just right, so that none of the guards would see her come zooming in from Ponyville. Spotting the entrance she wanted, Scootaloo tucked her wings and gracefully landed on the balcony, looking about several times before tapping her foot against the glass.
"We are coming," a voice called out and Scootaloo took a step back as Princess Luna pushed the doors open and looked down at the little filly. "Truly, sister, why must thou play these games?"
"I assure you, sister, it is no game," Scootaloo said nobly, gliding into the room. Her voice held the wisdom of ages and it never failed to impress Luna that her sister could go from sounding so dignified to being so...foalish.
"Could thou return to thy real form?" Luna asked.
Scootaloo smiled slightly, her body turning paler as she began to grow. Her mane grew nearly as long as she was and her legs stretched up and up, as her neck became swan-like. From her forehead a great long horn slowly extended and her eyes changed color as she completed her transformation. "Does that please you, little sister?" 'Scootaloo' used her magic to retrieve her crown, necklace and shoes.
"That it does, Celestia."
"WHAT?!?!"
~MC~MC~MC~
Applejack cringed at the sheer volume of Twilight's exclamation. "Come on, Twi, ain't ya ever heard of not shootin' the messenger?"
"How...how can you think that Princess Celestia is Scootaloo?"
"Well, it make sense, don't it?"
"...no, it doesn't!"
Applejack chuckled. "I admit, didn't make a lick of sense to me when I first heard it. But once I began puttin' the pieces together, all of a sudden it was the only answer that made sense." Applejack ran her hoof against the ground, making tally marks for all her points. "I don't remember Scootaloo appearing in Ponyville until after you showed up and we became the Bearers. The Princess isn't likely to let us go runnin' around without keepin' an eye on us. No one ain't ever seen Scootaloo and the Princesses together in the same place either."
"What about at Cadence and Shining Armor's wedding? Scootaloo was a flower girl."
Applejack already had an answer for that. "Ah, but I said Princesses. I wager Princess Luna stepped in and pretended to be Scootaloo, so no one would notice...never seen the three of them in the same place. Also, why do you think Cadence would let my and Rarity's sisters be her flower girls? She ain’t never met them, so why bring them in? Because Celestia asked her too! Princess wanted her friends to be part of the ceremony. Then there are them friendship reports you are always sendin'."
"What about my reports?"
"Ain't it odd a princess wantin' to know about friendship and what 6 young mares are a’doin’ all the time? Don't she got other concerns? Ya know…like runnin’ all of Equestria?"
Twilight hadn't thought about that. "Well, I assumed that she wanted to keep tabs on me..."
"Or maybe she wanted to have a reference guide on how to have friends because she was plannin' to make some herself." Applejack leaned back, a smug look on her face. "It’s what I would do if I were in her position. I'd go stir crazy in that castle, with all them snobby snobs. If I had the magic I would change myself into a little filly too and escape the boredom!"
Twilight sighed, unable to argue against that logic; she had spent a lot of time in court with the Princess during her education and she could attest that it could get really boring, really fast (in fact, Twilight was pretty sure the reason the Princess had brought her was to use Twilight as an excuse to end court early and go play in the garden). "Alright, Applejack, you make some good points...still don't believe a word of your story but still-"
"Well, I ain't done yet!" Applejack proclaimed.
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia looked down upon the quivering forms of the family that had committed grievous crimes against the crown and kingdom. There was no mercy, nor pity, within her icy eyes as she looked upon the perpetrators. The guards that stood over the wicked ponies trembled in their armor, thanking the moon and stars that they weren’t the ones facing the princess’ wrath.
The princess had found these vile ponies during her many trips to Ponyville in the guise of Scootaloo. She had witnessed their actions against her friends and refrained from bringing her might upon them because she had hoped they would learn to be better citizens and treat their neighbors and fellow ponies with kindness. Yes, it was true that she had engaged in some snipping and snapping with the earth ponies but she had always secretly hoped that the powerful family before her would decide to offer her their friendship.
But hours ago, the youngest of the family had DARED to insult Celestia’s friend, bringing the filly to tears. In that moment Celestia had revealed herself to the fiend and whisked her and her family to Canterlot for judgment.
"Filthy Rich...” Celestia said, spitting out the name like it was a vile curse, “because of the slanderous attacks your daughter, Diamond Tiara, has launched at Applebloom of the noble Apple Family, I sentence you to death!"
"What?!?!" Filthy exclaimed as he was lead to the executioner pony. “Please…please don’t!”
Celestia scoffed. “You didn’t do anything to help Applebloom (the best filly in the world and little sister to the hardworking yet humble Applejack) when your daughter called her a poopie head, so why should I help you now?” Celestia turned to the little filly that had started this, glaring at her. "And as for you, Diamond Tiara, for daring to insult the Apple family name, you will spend the rest of your days working the in acid mines!”
"Applejack...really?"
~MC~MC~MC~
Applejack looked at her friend, smiling sheepishly. "Should have figured you’d realize that last part was a fib.
"Yes…especially since I saw Diamond Tiara and her father on my walk over here.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Besides, the acid mines have been closed for a decade. So…what was with that story, AJ? It was…kinda out of character for you.”
"Sorry Twi...I just so upset when I think about that little filly insultin' my sister. If I wasn’t a civilized pony I would have bucked that little filly into the Everfree by now." She leaned in close, whispering, "When Granny Smith found out about all the teasin’ Tiara was doin’, she began adding a special ingredient to Filthy Rich's personal supply of Zap Apple Jam."
"And that is?" Twilight asked.
Applejack merely smirked...before spitting on the ground.
".....ewwwwwwwwwwww!"
"Hey, don't no one mess with the Apple Family!" Applejack proclaimed.
“I thought you were the element of honesty!”
Applejack shrugged. “We warn him each year that we put our blood, sweat and spit into every jar…ain’t my fault Filthy don’t listen.”
Twilight slowly stood up, her breakfast heaving and rolling in her stomach. "Well this has been disgusting. I think I will-"
Before she could finish they heard a whirring noise, then a grinding....and then a great big blue box appeared before them, slamming into the ground. The farmer and the librarian looked at each other before rushing to the contraption.
"Doctor? Doctor, are you ok?"
The doors to the TARDIS opened...revealing a gray pegasus stallion with a blonde mane and a lazy eye. On his head sat a unicorn colt with a similar manecut.
"Applejack?" the stallion said, confused. "Why do you look like a girl?"
"Because I am a girl!" Applejack complained. "Just cause I don't take to wearin’ frilly dresses and makeup and talkin' about colts and for the first 3 years of my life my family thought I was a colt don't make me a stallion!"
"Leave her alone Twisty," a feminine voice called out. A chestnut mare stepped out of the TARDIS.
"But look at them!" the little colt exclaimed. "Dusk and Applejack have turned into mares!"
"No, they haven't Tiny," The mare began to mutter to herself, pulling out a strange cylindrical device and using it to scan the area.
"Where did you get that?" Twilight said, recognizing Doctor Whooves' beloved sonic screwdriver.
"It's mine. And by that I mean it has always been mine, not that I stole it and it is now mine."
Twilight shook her head. "No...no, that belongs to The Doctor."
"The Doc-well, I guess I got the better end of the naming there. Anyway, no time to chat, we appear to be in the wrong place which means we are in the right place, so into the TARDIS everypony."
Applejack let out a yelp as the mysterious mare began to shove her towards the blue box. "Just who the heck do you think you are?"
"I am The Professor. This is husband/companion Twisty Tail and our son Tiny. We are from a universe like yours, only your genders are the opposite of ours. it is all rather confusing. involving arrows and crosses, but I'll be able to tell you all about it while we are saving the universe. Onwards and upwards!"
“…and yet this is not the weirdest thing to happen to me today,” Twilight muttered as the doors to the TARDIS shut.
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You thought I could do it, didn't you? You thought I could have one down to earth, normal chapter, didn't you? So close...so close...then BOOM! On a Cross and an Arrow Professor Whoof bursts onto the scene!
Where to start with this chapter...well, first off, this was a hard one to write. Not because of the subject material, but because of Applejack. She hates lying so I couldn't have her pranking Twilight, and I couldn't just have her be crazy like the rest of Ponyville. So I settled on her hearing a crazy theory (that had been passed down several times, pony to pony) and explaining logically why it would make sense. Then, because i wanted to do more, I made the fact that if she lied it would be easy to spot a joke.
The Professor comes from the Doctor Whooves youtube radio program, which itself was inspired by On a Cross and an Arrow. I couldn't find the gender swapped names for Derpy and Dinky, so i went with Twisty Tail and Tiny Tail.
And finally, several wonderful readers have created a TVTropes page for this story and thus caused my crying about it in the last chapter to become hilarious in hindsight. Thank you to everyone that has contributed!
As always, any errors, let me know!
Nice chapter, the part about the blood, sweat and tears part is hilarious.
I-- What's that? Oh my god! Wait... What? The fuck's that doing there? Sorry, can't leave a funny comment or something, I've got a talking stapler to deal with.
Holy crap! A wild plot appears! Epicsquee, I choose you! Epicsquee, uses ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. It's super effective!
Also, just wanted to say I appreciate how good you've been to the Mane 6. Yeah, you made the Princesses whacko, but at least the gals are just zany.
The mane 6 chapters are my favorites (along with Mrs. Cake and Iron Will) so far.
You should have one where twilights parents prank her into thinking they found her on their doorstep... with a note and princess luna's emblem on it. Really break twilight.
That was chuckle-worthy.
Almost makes me want to write a guest chapter using one of my OCs... 
'Course, it probably would only be on my computer... and nopony woud know the OC... 'cause she only appears in two of my books...
But I'd think it was funny.
...sounds legit to me.
This makes a terrible amount of sense. So Scootaloo isn't Celestia's daughter but rather her peasant disguise.
I second Archivist but mostly because I find the subplot of Twilight's parentage almost more hilarious than the actual set of stories about Scootaloo.
Remind me never to consume any apple products next time in equestria
Well... "Alonz-y" then!
Oh, and I actually did fiond Applejack's theory half-way plausible. There is a sort of weird logic to it, although I'm pretty sure that that 'Scootaloo' would have a sister that hung around with the Crusaders too if she were really Celestia.
I hope that it's just the spit that they're putting in Filthy Rich's zap apple jam...
...i want a pip chapter... or a sequel centering around pip.
how messed up is your life when the prof showing up next to you and practically cudgel crewing you with his family and it not being the craziest thing to happen to you?
"eyes wide at the sight of the brilliant sun cuite mark"
cutie mark
Really funny chapter also Applejacks story could be true exept for that death sentence and acid mine part :3
1312656
Yes, I suppose!
CURSES! So close to that normal chapter mark... Ah well, I wonder how you're going to fix THIS one >=D
- Why can't you just let me find out...
Because that would ruin the entertainment value... Where did you get that flamethrower...
-The author of this post is now on the run from an angry pony with a flamethrower. Anyone who sees him should run the other way and not attempt to help him in any way, shape, or form. Those who do shall also meet with the wrath of Twilight 'Flamethrower' Sparkle.-
What?! Whooves Adventures' Doctor? What?!
Okay, you are epic.
This is the best chapter yet, just because of that ending. The rest was well written and entertaining, didn't contain anything nastier than Zapapple-Spit Jars
, and at least makes some sense (in contrast to many of them). Excellent job, and don't leave me hanging for the next chapter.
But who in the alternate world will she talk too? The suspense is up!
1313383 Don't worry. I think they only do it to their enemies
Darn, I was kinda hoping for some normality. Ah well, I shouldn't expect it now.
Intresting chapter can't see anyone hating on this one
seems like applejack would have been a hard one to do but it got done and it was a good chapter
Almost... Almost a normal chapter. Now if you'll excuse me, I of to read On a Cross and a Arrow.
*sigh* back to the only slightly amusing normal craziness
oh wait, and then R63 Doctor & Derpy...I'm ok with this
still...
WANT MORE META
that's then end of my bitching
1313570
They all die and Rarity has sex with her male self.
(lie)
Hmm. I wonder if Scooteroll will be the next storyteller...
In any case, most enjoyable installments. My only complaint is the intimation that Derpy will become an archvillain. I don't want best pony to be evil.
Anyway, looking forward to more. And for the record, I had to make my stories' TV Tropes page myself.[/shamelessplug] You might want to consider that.
1313649
She is the Dark Queen...that doesn't mean she is evil.
This seriously has to be one of the funniest fanfics I've read in quite a while.
I like the fact that you seem to balance the completely over-the-top-out-of-control insane craziness with the only semi-crazy chapters. Works very well.
So what happened to Cheerilee's chapter, I thought she was next?
1313670
Cheerilee is coming up.
1313702 How soon?
1313740
Not the next chapter but the one after, so around Tuesday.
1313776 How many more ponies are we going to go through before we get to Scootaloo and the truth, if you can't say for spoilers than I'm fine with that.
Another hilarious chapter. Loved the Zap Apple Jam bit. And just as we all thought nothing out of the ordinary would happen... The Rule 63 Doctor, Derpy, and Dinky show up. EDIT: This is what sanity must be telling to Twilight:
I'm loving this so much!
1313235
And yet, it's still more down to earth than your last three chapters.
I wonder if Twilight's going to end up in Bedlam House at the end of all this.
On a Cross and Arrow is the reason that I got into fanfics. It was the first I read and still one of my favorites. It's also the reason I made the Dusk Shine channel on YouTube and made three colt/filly duets. I hope you make this perfect, because that's what the idea is.
1313497remind me to never piss off AJ then
Great chapter!
Well now their jam has blood, sweat, tears, AND spit.
indeed, twilight. The weirdest is still Luna putting you in diapers.
ABANDON SANITY, ALL YE WHO VENTURE THUS FORTH!
1313894 I'd be glad to.
*AHEM!* DON'T PISS AJ OFF!.
There. My reminding quota has been filled. Have a nice, non-AJ-pissing day!
1313570 You haven't read it yet?
READ IT! READ IT NOW!
SO Scootaloo is really Celestia in disguise huh? seems legit.
Must now find this TVTropes page.
I believe, in On a Cross and Arrow, that the mare is named Ditzy and Derpy is the AU stallion. For what that's worth.
this chapter makes more sense than all of th' previous.
This keeps getting more insane with every chapter, and I love it.
am i the only one wondering what R63 Tydal would be called
This chapter makes too much sense, I vote this is real story.
(well, it's head-canon for me until I can dig it out, anyhow)
1313326
We haven't heard from Rarity yet... or Rainbow. And they are the dramatic ones.
Acid Mines? Well, that explains where the industrial vats of acid came from in Cherilee's Garden. As for what goes into Filthy Rich's Zap Apple jam, it's good to see the Apple family taking the restaurant revenge approach to their problems.
The beginning of this chapter made me think of this:
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/098/7/3/censor_repercussions_by_veggie55-d4vg35y.png
1313235
The correct names for Rule 63ed Derpy and Dinky are Dopey Hoof and Twerpy Doo/Hoof.
And Ditzy Doo is Clutzy Doo.