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notMurphy

Joined August 2012
249 followers

Positive space, negative space, inextricably they describe each other. Sometimes what goes unspoken tells more than what is freely discussed. Each hole has a story to tell, if we can but listen.

Stories (2)

  • Millennium Wake: Part II
    After a thousand years of magical slumber and a trip halfway around the world, what else is in store for Rarity?

    10,720 words · 2,389 views · 314 likes · 5 dislikes
  • A minor variation
    No sonic rainboom. The Mane 6 find different destinies. See where it takes them.
    144,556 words · 9,665 views · 794 likes · 29 dislikes

Blog Posts (10)

Source

This follows the events described in the Cutie Mark Chronicles, with one small change: The Sonic Rainboom doesn't happen like it was supposed to. Six destinies fail to start. But when one door closes, another one opens.

Cover Art by Inspired_Light

This is supposed to be close to Canon, but since history is altered and the characters don't experience many of the events that make them who they are in the show I'm listing this as alternate universe (does that make sense?)

For the same reason I'm listing the OC tag, even though the OCs are the mane 6 living different lives.

Nopony dies, nopony suffers permanent psychological scarring, and no irrational whirlwind romances happen.

If I have inadvertently included somepony's OC I apologize.

Warning: contents may contain Existentialism. The facility used also handles peanut based products and wheat gluten.

First Published
27th Aug 2012
Last Modified
20th Jan 2014

Comments ( 1,063 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 99w, 4d ago · 3 · ·

*edit*

Finally got the time to read this. It's excellent, and I can see a lot of ways you could go with it. Tracking it, then, and such-- but if there's one thing you need, it's proofreading.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 99w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

A nice story. I've actually been planning out my own story with a very similar premise.

You say this is your first story? I honestly have to applaud you then. The writing is excellent, the formatting good, and the characters almost believable.

The combined first persons view is difficult. You either need to pick a single character as your first person view, or use 3rd person. You get the thoughts from every character, distinct only in that it's next to their dialogue, but not between quotation marks.

Other than that, it's a great story. Hopefully, when I get around to writing my alternate universe, it won't have to compete with your work.

#3 · Chapter 1 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1168971:twilightsmile:

Thank you.  I have written before, just not fiction. I read a great deal of fiction, and have spent more time than I care to remember running table-top RPGs

I may have top try something different for the character's internal thoughts in later chapters, but they will always be from the focus for that sub-section. I prefer my omniscience limited.:derpytongue2:

Edit: Holey moley, I didn't realize copy/paste removed ALL of my editing, I'm fixing it now.

Edit II: Now chapter 1 looks something like it was originally supposed to (8/29/12) Ha... see what limited sleep does for a person's ability to notice mistakes?:facehoof:

Truth be told I was afraid my work would be too similar to 'The Fluttershy Effect' after I saw the description for it, but it turns out we're going in different directions.

There are few truly original ideas, and every implementation has it's own character. Try reading 'What Technology Wants' (non-fiction by Kevin Kelly) for some fascinating historical precedence. Err, you don't have to:facehoof:

But don't be afraid to try something close to another work,a long as you know you'll cover new ground.

#4 · Chapter 1 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

I think you meant canon (not cannon)

#5 · Chapter 1 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1169651 :facehoof: Indeed ser.

Thanks for the catch:scootangel:

Edit: and fixed.

#6 · Chapter 1 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1168906

:applejackunsure:Thank you for your honesty.

Anything in particular, our just systemic mistakes?

#7 · Chapter 1 · 99w, 4d ago · 2 · ·

>>1171544

- I noticed quite a few mistakes with quotes (generic example: the spacing error in [ "The quick brown fox, "jumped over the lazy dog ] is especially recognizable with smart quotes)

- Capitalization

- Please, please, please italicize thought processes. Every time a story jumps into the first person from two separate perspectives from what was a limited third person perspective, three-- no, FOUR kittens die.

- Fragments, run-ons, etc.

Proofread. Proofread for the kittens.

#8 · Chapter 2 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

Haha, the chapters have been doubled!

Edit: ah sleep, what a wonderful thing.

I should have a pre-reader soon.

Edit: Nope, but I have other options

#9 · Chapter 2 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1169195

I never am afraid for my own sake, but I have been severely criticized in the past for utilizing similar concepts.

"What Technology Wants"... I'll add it to my reading list... Granted, that still may mean a solid year before I get through everything else, but it's in the queue.

#10 · Chapter 2 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

Hmm... Seems we will be covering very different ground between our two fics...

It seems you're more shuffling around the characters, whereas my plans set them in spectacularly different directions... Mostly negative ones, at that.

Nevertheless, I am very interested in where this is going, and I quite like how you are portraying the characters.

Loved all the nods during the Omega Flight Camp, and loved the ending even more.

#11 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 3d ago · · ·

Ok, you're probably all sick of the merry-go round approach to storytelling, yes?:pinkiesick:

I'm thinking the next chapter should be broken up into six updates that each center on one of the Mane Six

#12 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 2d ago · · ·

Lot's more grammatical errors I noticed in this one, but they all looked like the "Hurry up and write" style of errors.

It's difficult to picture some of their new cutie marks, but you certainly gave a good shot at describing them.

The only portion I really dislike, is Rainbow's. Maybe it's related to how I really just don't like her, but that portion of the story seemed, pointless. It may also have something with the fact that I always though Rarity's talent came from her learning a lesson from the rock, and Rainbow hasn't really learned anything.

In any case, that's my one big beef with the story. I loved just about everything else, AJ making a fool of herself, Fluttershy yelling at the weather captain, Pinkie being in multiple places at once, Rarity actually saving people, and Twilight memorizing the family names of every tree in the orchard. I look forward to the next update with bated breath.

BTW, I envy your speed. It can take me weeks to get a chapter of story written.

#13 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1180885

I... please, whatever crimes against literature I'm committing don't take it out on the humble apostrophe :fluttercry:.

In all seriousness, I will find my errors and I will DESTROY THEM! :flutterrage:.

Hmm... Cutie Marks, sigh, I suppose this means I should come up with a cover art for the next batch of chapters.:moustache: sigh, illustration I love, but you don't love me...

Ah, Rainbow Dash...:ajsleepy: I was trying for an extension of her struggle with eggheadom in-canon. But, didn't give it the attention it deserved:twilightblush: I thought I had a good start when she came unmoored from her proto-jock status, but I can see I left her hanging:facehoof:.

It seems ironic to me that hers hasn't been the loudest voice in my head.

Some things never change, no matter how much I may shuffle them around. Finding those bits of identity that refuse to bow to fate and narration is one of the rewards of writing this.

A for the writing, believe it or not, this is the cut-down version. I edit heavily because I editorialize shamelessly. Also, stress is a great motivator:pinkiecrazy:. This whole process is new to me, and *shameless plug* the feedback has been great-I mean getting feedback. If there's a category below lurker, that's where I usually am at on the web.

Edit: and Bullet Points, oh so many bullet points. Not only do they help organize my time-line, but it gives the characters time to give me their own inputs... that makes sense, right?

Also, I am a bottomless barrel of exposition (that line is stolen).

**completely unrelated to above **

Does anypony know if a fic had been written where a demon tries to buy the soul of the creator of MLP FIM but she turns him down? You could call it 'Faust'.

:ajbemused:

#14 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1181686

I apologize for my mistake. This fic was the first thing I read upon waking up this morning. It even came before the back of the cereal box, so I'm amazed I only made that one error.

I could give a hand at making their cutie marks. I would not even hint at calling myself an artist, but symbols, particularly cutie marks, are something I can create.

As for your heavy editing, I applaud you. I admire the writer who can get a very rough draft written, and then edit the #### out of it. I edit, reedit, modify, scrap, rewrite, and perfect it to the best of my ability as I work through, which generally ruins the flow of the process.

And I would love to write that fic, just as a one-shot... In fact, I just saw how it ended in my head...

Curse you! Instead of finishing the second chapter of my other fic, I'm gonna have to write this one now!

#15 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 2d ago · 1 · ·

Feels and lulz in all the right places.

#16 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1182714

*Magnanimous Wave* All is forgiven.:scootangel:

Wow, before cereal?:rainbowhuh: I gotta' step up my game.

If you want to try a hoof at Cutie Mark representation that would be great.:twilightsmile:

Yeah, the edits they are coming more often.

Nurse Pie just won't hold still long enough for me to get anything written!:pinkiecrazy:

Err sorry about the stealth collab, sometimes an idea just wants out RIGHT NOW!:flutterrage:

>>1184930:pinkiehappy:

Edit: To everypony concerned, I won't be submitting any new chapters until Sunday, but after that they're going to be coming out at a rapid pace.

I intend to have this story finished by the third week of September - no matter how much the story tries to expand past my grasp.

I'll be trying a few new things in the next six chapters, the side benefit of which will be far less pony-hopping between sections.

#17 · Chapter 4 · 98w, 6d ago · · ·

Though a couple paragraphs could do with being split up for readability (ha ha, look who's talking...), excellent all the same.

Also, this story has a criminally low favs/reads/thumbs count. :twilightangry2:

#18 · Chapter 4 · 98w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1203837

I'll go back through and see what I can do, although the Twilight Ramble is supposed to be a wall of text:twilightblush:

Thankee sai:ajsmug: for your kind words, but this is my first work here.

Also, the lack of artwork until this last thursday (thank you again, Inspired_Light :yay:)

probably put someponies off.

Edit: wait, blog? ... HOLY! :fluttercry: I don't have words for...

It's been said before, but the fans of this show are amazing.

You rock.

#19 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

WHAT!? RARITY! WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH SHINING?!

Ahhem, uh, sorry...

Well written, both parts of this chapter you've posted.

During Diane's, the dialogue did get very confusing in the beginning. Remember, every line of dialogue is a new paragraph.

Excellent job. I must say, I love Diane, especially the quip about circular breathing.

Can't wait for the other four parts.

#20 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

Very interesting direction for Rainbow Dash; didn't expect the "Engineer Dash," but I like it!

Usually, I'd roll my eyes at references to happening in the show in a story like this, but I found the Mare Do Well reference to actually work! Now there's a rare sight!

Eagerly waiting for more!

#21 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

:pinkiegasp: Rainbow!? What the hay are you...:applejackunsure:

Ohh:facehoof: 'edit' is next to 'publish':unsuresweetie:

:rainbowlaugh:

... well I'm not sending her back.

This is what I get for doing late night editing.:trollestia:

#22 · Chapter 4 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1203837

Well, I'm glad I took your blog advice and read this, because apart from a few errors, this story's great!

Keep it up, Murphy!

#23 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1206880  Shh! Don't say his name:applejackconfused::fluttershbad::raritydespair::twilightoops:

I'm not that...that walking disaster.:pinkiegasp:

In seriousness, thanks for your enthusiasm-that is what keeps me going:rainbowdetermined2:

#24 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

whelp your awsome! story is awsome! halarity is a full ten! good job

that is all

#25 · Chapter 5 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

*clap clap clap*

Excellent work. I was glued to my chair the whole way through. Granted, you probably have my sister to thank for that...

The only think I have to say is: Clomping. In the show, it always seems that pony-clapping is stamping their hooves...

#26 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

MOAR! I freaking love this story so far! Even though I hate Rarity, I find myself wanting to read her storyline most of all.

#27 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1209134 your wish is my demand:scootangel:

Oh, I'm afraid Rarity's storyline may not make you a fan of her.:raritywink:

All the Mane will get their turn as ... the Star:coolphoto:

#28 · Chapter 7 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·
#29 · Chapter 6 · 98w, 5d ago · · ·

I.. I'm so sorry. Please undestand that there wasn't any other way to write this part.:applecry:

#30 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 4d ago · · ·

Words words words...:pinkiecrazy:

This goes up because I don't want to leave you ponies hanging, but I know it will require more editing, if every chapter before it is anything to judge by.:unsuresweetie:

Please, your observations on the mistakes, do not hold back - the only way I'll learn is if I suffer. :trollestia:

#31 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 4d ago · · ·

There are a lot of references to things that aren't explained, which seem a bit confusing? I think?

Some of the interaction between Rarity and Shining Armor in particular, it seemed like I was missing something.

#32 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1212317 :applejackunsure::twilightblush:

That conversation... I was afraid it might be a little confusing.

There are about three layers to this talk, and if you're never been on either side of a conversation like this, consider yourself lucky.

Rarity wants to come to Ponyville, but she wants Shining Armor to lend her authority without asking a lot of inconvenient questions.

She is trying to achieve this by first puting the Stallion on edge about her sexually (really, if you're never had this happen to you be greatful, this the at of flirting weaponized).

She offers an escape from that confrontation by bringing up investigation, a subject both history professors and security personnel had best to learn if they want to advance their careers.

The jokes here are a spoof of Sherlok Holmes's famous 'Casual observation yeilds solid evidence routine, and the mystery writter comment is areference to a show from the 80's called 'Murder, she Wrote'.

Now that Shining feels a little more in control of the situation, Rarity allows him to ask the obvious question: why are you trying to come along. I'm sure you're had people answer your questions with nonsense when they don't want to give you a straight answer but don't feel like hurting your feelings - that is what Shining THINKS Rarity does, and it leaves him so relieved from the awkward start of the conversation that he not only goes with it but is actually more comfortable around her now.

So, to review: Rarity didn't lie a single time, every sentence she spoke had a reasonable explanation, she was playing a stallion like a puppet, she was deliberately misleading a ranking officer, and has inadvertently made Celestia's representative in Ponyville LESS likely to recognize the threat of Nightmare Moon. Questions?

Also: a blue-tit is a variety of bird, Tit is English slang that means something like 'stuffy idiot'.

Edit: Oh, looking at the Rarity parts I realize how much I've borrowed from Elizabeth Peters. Read 'The Crocodile on the Sandbank' if you want to get hooked on a series like a meeting of 'Indiana Jones' and 'Miss Marple' in Early 20th Century Egypt. I'm Daring you to Do it. :facehoof:

#33 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

Where the buck is part V, pray tell.

#34 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1219434

Today, it'll be posted today

Twilight is being difficult-so I had to do a re-write.

#35 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1219489 Ahh. thanks for the answer. I don't care for time limits, I was just curious as to why VI was up before V.

#36 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1219499 :twilightsmile:Always happy to serve.

:pinkiegasp: So much prologue, so very very much prologue.

Now the real work starts.:pinkiecrazy:

I'm not gunning for 'Most prolific writer on FiMFiction.Net'

So updates will be a little slower from here on out, but I'm aiming for consistency. Please bare with me, I promise the payoff is worth it.:trixieshiftleft:

Also, the journey itself should be reason enough:unsuresweetie:

I love seeing everypony theorize, but please keep in mind you have Six unreliable narrators.

#37 · Chapter 8 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

the non-linear progression of updates intrigues me.

#38 · Chapter 8 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

Like the progress of this story so far, but the braces in this chapter where distracting and, I believe, unnecessary. You've already established in previous chapters that Twilight has a habit of talking to herself, so there's no need to start separating the inner dialogues into "Twilight" and "other part of Twilight" now... unless the talking-to-self is starting to develop into something... more worrying. :unsuresweetie:

#39 · Chapter 8 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

"And surprisingly often, covered in tree sap."

Loved it. I may like Fluttershy best, but Twilight has always been Best Pony.

#40 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1221960 we so rarely in life get a complete picture of what's going on. Reading this as it's posted, you will see a different story than later arrivals.

Also, for the record, Rainbow Dash posted her own damn self early.:rainbowdetermined2:

>>1222109 :facehoof: Thank you, I was trying for clarity so it's better to know now rather than later. Btw, the blog post:fluttercry: Thanks.

>>1222521 :applecry::yay::twilightblush:

Also, thanks to everypony who makes it past chapter two, I honestly don't know if I would be remotely sane right now without it. 38k over 10 days, you do the math, I've got to zzzzzzzzzz...

#41 · Chapter 9 · 98w, 2d ago · · ·

are they going to have the same elements

#42 · Chapter 10 · 98w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1225329:applejackunsure:

I suppose at this point that doesn't count as a spoiler...

No, no they won't:twistnerd::pinkiegasp:

#43 · Chapter 10 · 98w, 2d ago · · ·

Hmm... small, random curiosity Would/Does Scootaloo admire Captain Hurricane Fluttershy in this universe?

>>1222994

Ah, you refer to my little advert for you? Not a problem at'll!

... I feel like I don't deserve the recognition I have, so I pass it along as much as I'm able...

#44 · Chapter 10 · 98w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1228880

There's a scene coming in a later installment dealing with that.:scootangel:

Also, would you believe I didn't make the first to second MDW connection back in Rider4?:rainbowhuh:

I may use it later but props for catching it, I was just puting down stuff that made sense, sequentially.:rainbowdetermined2:

Rainbow Dash continues to confound me.:rainbowlaugh:

I'll shut up about the other thing, internet philanthropy is a new thing to me. You can ask Inspired_Light, I wouldn't stop gushing about those pics:facehoof:

#45 · Chapter 10 · 98w, 1d ago · · ·

Oh, this is fantastic, I am enjoying every second of this! :pinkiehappy:

#46 · Chapter 11 · 98w, 1d ago · · ·

Excellent work.

Just a suggestion, but you may want to use the strip of color to delineate who is the focus of a section, rather than the full cutie mark. As much as I just love looking at my artwork, it takes up a full paragraph of space.

Also, if I see either of the unicorn cuties again, I'll have to revise them to look more natural.

#47 · Chapter 11 · 98w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1230511 If Rarity's lost the lines and had all the gems be the same size it'd be a standard G1-pattern cutie mark. :raritywink:

#48 · Chapter 11 · 98w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1229663:ajsmug:

>>1230511:pinkiesmile: noted, I'll fix it later today.

Edit: and fixed, Battle1 & 2 are easier to look at now

Over 200 readers?:pinkiegasp:As long as you ponies are reading,

I can't :derpyderp1:

I won't:twilightangry2:

& I don't:flutterrage:

Stop:rainbowdetermined2:

#49 · Chapter 11 · 98w, 1d ago · · ·

Hmmm...no thoughts from Twilight concerning her injured brother?

#50 · Chapter 11 · 98w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1232159 None printable, at least:derpytongue2: Between paralysis and blind rage, some choose suppression.

>>1232170 :rainbowwild:

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