You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on! If this message goes away after a few seconds, ignore it, javascript support sometimes takes a few seconds to detect.

Featured In8

More Stories1

  • T Millennium Wake: Part II

    After a thousand years of magical slumber and a trip halfway around the world, what else is in store for Rarity?
    10,720 words · 2,527 views  ·  318  ·  5 · gore

Blog Posts10

  • 30w, 3d
    Signs of Life

    10 comments · 195 views
  • 59w, 2d
    Speculation (the other other road not taken)

    The other day I received an interesting prompt from Regreme,

    how do you think it'd be possible for the Elements of Harmony to be swapped in different ways due to changes to their lives as fillies?

       First thing, each of the main six has a personal virtue, an aspect that is their personal identity... no I'm not talking about their element of harmony, I'm talking about the personal motivation that makes them become bearers of the elements of harmony.

       Applejack's is dilligence. Whatever she decides to do, she dedicates herself to with a volume of sheer determination that borders on the supernatural. When we see her behaving 'pidheadedly', that's dedication to a project that isn't working out ('Applebuck Season', 'Fall Weather Friends', 'The Last Roundup', 'Apple Family Reunion'). In the course of the show this is portrayed as 'honest hard work' and earns her the element of honesty. In Amv I had her take on a more esoteric goal 'finding what makes people happy'.

       In looking for a new element for AJ, I first had to discount the elements she's already had: Honesty (canon), Laughter (Amv), Generosity (Mystery Cure), and Loyalty (in the course of the show, it could be argued that she demonstrates loyalty almost as well as Dash does). She's got no truck with magic, so that leaves Kindness. If we look at Fluttershy's canon character, it doesn't seem like a good match, but move back and look at the job Fluttershy performs: taking care of animals and acting as a defacto mediator of pony/critter relations. In the show, Applejack performs this service for the 'farm' animals. So moving from sheep, pigs, and cattle to bears, badgers, and bunnies isn't as far of a stretch. Plus I think the dynamic of having AJ and Angel but heads could be quite interesting, the rabbit's role switching from superego to conscience.

       Now the question is: why in Equestria would Applejack end up living in the cottage instead of at home, on the farm? Well why did she leave the first time? What we're told is that she went on a journey of self-discovery (I personally believe that was at least partly set off by sorrow over the death of her parents, but the show can never say that directly).

       What if, on her journey home 'following the rainbow', she ran across a wounded animal, out by the cottage at the edge of the everfree? A moose, perhaps. I like to populate the cottage with an old pony who was taking care of the animals in the previous generation (what can I say, I think mentors are a good idea). If AJ noticed her and stopped to help, the memory of that would follow the apple pony when she returned to Sweet Apple Acres. An idea might form, and within a couple of weeks she might get the idea of seeing if that old healer needed any more help. This time she wouldn't be running away from home, her family would still be nearby, but she could be pursuing something that resonated with her (especially if the ideas of death and suffering were still bothering her).

       There's an interesting consequence to this sequence: if AJ is only helping out at the farm on a very limited basis, eventually probably only during harvest season, then the 'Acres are going to need another pony to help out. I'm loathe to use the exact same device, twice, so rather than dragging one of the mane six in to replace her, I considered who else didn't have a place at the time. Braeburn. Think about it, he was part of the effort to settle Appleoosa, which means there wasn't room for him back at his previous home. What if Granny Smith put out the call to her relatives, and Braeburn was sent to help maintain the family's first farm? Sweet Apple Acres keeps running, but Appleoosa isn't as firmly established, which provides potential story elements later (perhaps if the settler ponies weren't in as strong of an opinion they would either be more willing to negotiate with the buffalo, or else so stuck in survival mode that they refused to ever compromise, leaving the two groups in a slow simmering conflict/war).

       Speculation about consequences is fun, but what about the orange mare herself? Dealing with animals requires the ability to be both quiet and very firm when needed, to move in a manner that doesn't terrify the tiny or challenge the predators – except when one has to tell the cougar to BACK OFF. It's a hard job where 99% of one's effort is invisible, but then you could say the same about the apple orchard. Applejack is neither an introvert nor an extrovert, so the relative isolation of her new job wouldn't be torture, but she would probably crave more equine contact. On top of that, I suspect AJ would be more proactive about animal care.

       Putting all of these ideas together, I see this AJ as being a sort of socialworker for the woodland creatures. Caring for the wounded and the sick, exercising the healthy animals and handling disputes between various critters and/or between 'critters' and ponies. On the other hoof, I think she would be very interested in relations between ponies and animals, promoting the idea of pets for ponies (we know Fluttershy dabbled in the idea, she wouldn't have had such a large list of animals for RD to consider adopting if she didn't spend time thinking about it), as well as encouraging ponies to spend time with animals in general. I think that under her Aegis, the animals around Ponyville would have a more active role with the townsfolk, for better or for worse.

    Speaking of Aegis, I'd imagine her cutie mark to be a tree sheltering a variety of animals, signifying her role as caretaker.

       Rainbow Dash is a paragon of physical dedication. She has tuned her will and body into an instrument for feats of acrobatic skill that not only push the boundary of equine ability but occasionally break the line entirely. Her virtue is skill, taking a skill and dedicating herself to expressing the heart and soul of that art. A very strong extrovert streak runs through her, and she needs almost continuous feedback. I personally think this is the only external expression of her internal obsession with perfecting herself. Another pony sees her aerobatic feats and is blown away, Dash looks her performances and can only see how much better she could have done. Part of what this proves is how much she cares about ponies in general, and her friends specifically – a vulnerability that she can't stand to expose to anyone, and so she creates a shield of bravado around herself that can be very grating to those who can't see past it.

       To consider a new element for her, we need to look at where she's already been: Loyalty (canon), Generosity (Amv), Kindness (Mystery Cure), and Magic (what else do you call beating the laws of physics until they cry uncle and let a pony break the sound-barrier? Giver her a horn and it would all be over as soon as she figured out how to excercise her magic). The single glimpse we see of her as a prankster (Gryphon the Brushoff) suggests she could be a decent element of laughter. On top of that, we see the unrealized potential of a storyteller in her every boasting recount of her own prowess or waxing on the Wonderbolts.

       So how does Dash go from Jock to Jester? By learning that her actions have consequences. What if there had actually been a responsible adult present when the race happened, or who at least investigated what had happened? In Amv I inverted the results of the race, having Dash give up the race to help Fluttershy. Instead what I'm looking at here is an adult sitting her down and pointing out what could have happened to Fluttershy if she hadn't been rescued by improbable physics-defying butterflies. This would burst open Rainbow's newly forming ego of athleticism, make her question her motivations. Throw in a few hours of community service alongside the idiot trio to 'teach them all a lesson' and we have a narrative. Perhaps she makes a few jokes while on her work crew, and realizes that the laughter helps everyone do their jobs a little easier, perhaps that's enough of  spark to make her look at comedy and performance in general. Juggling, tumbling, pratfalls, sleight of hoof... with a little 'dedication' Rainbow Dash could have become an entertainer, a vaudevillian performer, or a circus act. In fact, she might have tried all three.

       Rarity's virtue is craft. She takes a principle (such as 'clothesmaking') and explores what it could be. In addition to this, she is self-motivated (this means she doesn't need external stimulus to act), and self-invented – she managed to create a persona of debonair and sophistication whilst growing up with ponies such as Hayseed Turniptruck (now there's a pony whose parents didn't like him), while still responsive to the opinions and concerns of those around her (this is normally very hard for self-motivated people, and the real reason she deserves to be Generosity in the show). As the sixth element in Amv, she replaced the goal of sharing her artistic vision with everypony with the idea of finding and sharing knowledge about ponykind's past, present, and future. Toward this goal she has had to overcome everything from apathy to active resistance, and had to develop a much harder outer persona and accept that she wasn't going to get a lot of the feedback she craves. Instead she has gathered a small cadre of ponies she trusts and is determined to push Equestria into a brighter future, even if she has to drag them kicking and screaming.

       In considering a new element, we have to consider the elements she has already had contact with: Generosity (canon), Chance (#6, Amv), Loyalty (Mystery Cure), and Kindness (again, she is closest to Fluttershy and her urges to help others mean she already acts as a stand-in for this element. we want something NEW, so this one is out). To really stretch her personality and subvert the canon understanding of her character I chose Honesty for her new element. The fashionista persona is where Rarity's aversion to dirt and prissiness springs – I think she'd still have her obsessive attention to detail in any role – so if she decided to be somepony else, that would require a different persona.

         What if, instead of entering the world of haute couture, she had decided to take on the family business? Then we need to know what the 'family business' is. Her father is a retired hoofball player (so all the fanon says), so something like building construction seems like a good fit – plus the idea of Rarity operating power tools just amuses me, for some reason. Her perfectionistic tendencies would manifest as a strong ethic for getting all of the construction done just so (carpenters have an expression 'measure twice, cut once').

        How to pull off the narrative shift: what if her parents had actually noticed when filly Rarity went missing, dragged to parts unknown by her horn? What if they had torn up the countryside looking for her? What if they had found her, dragging home a giant geode? An awful lot of yelling, crying, and recrimination, I imagine. Since her dad would have had to walk off the job to go looking for her, perhaps he had to make up with some overtime the next few days, during time when he would otherwise have been watching Rarity, so he takes her along. Maybe her exposure to seeing ponies hard at work and a lingering sense of guilt over the gems makes her consider taking up a trade when she gets older, something I'm sure her father would encourage and her mother wouldn't mind.

       In addition to the physical (and telekinetic) work involved in such a job, clear communication between crew-members and straight dealing with clientele could lead to Rarity valuing Honesty as an ideal. The largest adjustment to her personality, really would be the 'Rarity the Riveter'  persona. Gone are the Transatlantic Accent, the fainting spells, and dramatic hyperbole. Dirt is just dirt, you don't roll in it, but if you get some on you while working, that's life... you can always wash it off later. What she retains is her ideas about 'doing things properly', her ethic for getting the job done, even if it means working long hours and overnight shifts, and her desire to reach and/or exceed her client's expectations.

       Twilight Sparkle is to matters of the mind what Rainbow Dash is to physicality. I'm going to call her virtue 'Vision' because what she does is to run through scenarios in her head. That's why she always has a plan, why she is obsessed with lists, and why when something goes wrong with her understanding of a situation she can begin obsessing over disaster scenarios. Twilight can't not think, and she is continuously taking things apart and looking at the pieces and seeing how they could come back together. She truly is an egghead in the best sense of the word.

       As for elements, we have Magic (#6, canon), Honesty (Amv), and ... oh, right, she gets left out during mystery cure. In truth, Twilight has to embody all of the elements to one degree or another. True, she makes us laugh, but she practices honesty, is generous with her time and knowledge, loyal to her friends' concerns, and tries to be kind in her own way. With the field wide open, I'm going to pick Loyalty, just for the sheer perversity of it.

       Her narrative is a little sad. Return to the moment after Celestia helps Twi calm her magic and offers to become her mentor. We can tell Twilight wants to accept, her parents are nodding like fools, and the Princess herself seems interested. But there was still a moment of uncertainty. What if she had said no? What if she had decided that she didn't deserve to be rewarded for her outburst, and instead enrolled as a 'normal' gifted unicorn in the school, in order to dedicate herself to mastering and learning to control her magic, so that she could help ponies instead of putting them at risk?

         Several things happen, in that case. After Celestia calms her parents down from a moment of apoplexy, Twilight is going to have to live with a sense of disappointment from her parents, no matter how hard they try to hide it. This could lead to the purple unicorn becoming determined to demonstrate that she can be great and helpful in her own way, and might contribute to making her just a little obstinate. As a regular student, and without quite as much push from her family to be a 'star student', she might actually have talked to some of her fellow students – although she was always destined to be an introvert, it's just in her nature.

         With her aptitude for any kind of magic she puts herself toward learning, she could easily stumble across weather magic and become enchanted with the science of meteorology. After years of study, theorems, papers, and various supplemental areas of study she would still discover the same thing that all college students learn: your theoretical knowledge doesn't mean a damn thing if nobody wants to pay you for it.

         So, a job in the weather service is about the only thing she'd be really qualified for. And boy would that be an awkward interview. She's not a pegasus, but she could use magic to do the job, no questions asked. Someone as ... odd as that might be a little embarrassing for the service. Sending her to work in Ponyville would get her out of the management's hair. The fact that she might actually thrive and do well, possibly even becoming the local weather manger, that could be overlooked, from a distance.

       Twilight, for her part, might eventually become quite comfortable with the job. A practical use for her immense magical talents, a community that can accept useful but odd folk, and all the planning, paperwork, and procedural manuals she could ever want – I think she could be very happy in the weather service, and I think her struggle to be a good leader would earn her the right to represent Loyalty.

       Fluttershy. What can you say about someone who has shown so little of her character with so much screentime? A lot, really – her reticence speaks volumes. All of Fluttershy's reticence comes from a sense of being overwhelmed, which says to me that she has few filters, and that what she does see of the world she experiences very intensely. Her virtue I am going to call 'empathy', in that she can all but physically feel what happens to other ponies. We know that she does have deep feelings, because each of the few times she has cut loose she's all but exploded in expressing herself. The problem is that she's never made it past the negative emotions, so she doesn't see that expressing herself can also be a good thing, instead she sees her true feelings as some sort of monster she has to protect the rest of the world from.

       Elements: Kindness (canon), Loyalty (Amv), Laughter (mystery cure). My choice here comes from the show itself, Generosity. We already know that Fluttershy has an interest in fashion, and that her aesthetic and personal presence can catch the design community's attention. Plus, watching AJ struggle with making a dress, didn't you just wish it had been another pony in there?

         When she fell from the clouds, Fluttershy discovered a quiet world that she could share with creatures that wouldn't yell at her, make her feel bad, have expectations, or upset her. What if she hadn't had time to discover that she fit in there? What if responsible adults had noticed the race and the accident and had come to "rescue" young Fluttershy from the wilderness? When the animals flee and she's dragged back to the clouds with only a vision of her lost green utopia, she never gets the idea that she could have defused the situation, and so her escape goes from being the wilderness itself to the image of nature.

       In a world where she's not good at the local pastime (flying), she could easily have devoted more time to her hobby of fashion design and trends. She might have taken up actual sewing, at least as much as an excuse for not putting more time into flying practice that she's convinced herself wouldn't help her as for the enjoyment she would get from it. As her best skill, it's likely her family would have encouraged her to pursue dressmaking as a career, at the very least to get her out of the house.

       Rarity opened Carousel Boutique because she felt stuck in Ponyville. Fluttershy would open shop there to get away from Cloudsdale.

       Pinkie Pie's virtue is 'ingenuity', and it is also her greatest curse. Her mind is constantly racing, new ideas flashing into her brain almost faster than she can handle. In fact, I suspect that 'pinkie sense' is signals coming from her subconscious, subliminal processing of information she isn't even aware she's noticing. This is why she seems hyperactive, why she's always craving mental stimulation, and coming up with pranks that seem to defy the laws of physics.

       Everypony knows Pinkie Pie == Laughter. But what if she wasn't? We've seen Kindness (Amv), and we've cringed at Honesty (mystery cure), but what about the elusive 6th Element? Pinkie contains a bit of each element (she's an honest hard worker, kind and generous to others, so loyal she crafted the pledge all ponies use for unbreakable promises, and she does that other one in her sleep – sometimes literally.)

       What's that? She's got no magic? For the moment I'll agree with you on that (although there are fanons that don't). But, what she has is gumption, ingenuity, and inventiveness. How else can you explain an earth pony with more flight time than one of the band's actual pegasi? Pinkie Pie would make an excellent mad scientist, all she'd need is a break.

       The narrative for this starts in a relatively sad place. In 'Call of the Cutie' we see Pinkie discover laughter. In the modern age of the show, we see her living in Ponyville, with another family than her own. There had to be a transition between the two, some reason she had to leave her family to pursue her dreams. I don't think it was unkindness or stubbornness or intolerance, I think it was more a matter that there wasn't an room for her to be herself there.

       If another character (or pair of characters – shush, you're getting ahead of the narrative) to the mix, the results could have been different. What if Flim and Flam, at the beginning of their career of con-artistry, had been stranded by a broken part near the Pie Family farm on that fateful day? Between a fascination with their magical machinery, their quick wit, words, and fondness for musical numbers... I could easily see a young Miss Pie stowing away. If she fell asleep she might be able to remain quiet long enough for the two not to decide to simply turn around and take her back home.

       An apprenticeship under the brothers would create a more savvy Pinkie, but I think it also might mitigate some of their more dishonest impulses, in the long run. With a stronger study of gadgetry and engineering, Pinkie might also pick up an interest in physical science and become an inventor to be reckoned with.

    Moving back to Ponyville would allow her to be relatively close to her family in her parent's old age and yet still close enough to Canterlot and civilization to supply her with materials and parts to continue crafting crazy contraptions, examining esoteric experiments, and being the most proactive Librarian Ponyville has ever seen.


    If I were actually going to write a story about these ponies, I'd probably call it something like Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink'

    28 comments · 339 views
  • 63w, 2d
    The future is soon-ish (Millennium Wake pt II news)

         I'm assuming everyone here has read Millennium Wake (now 'part I'). If not, that's a link, go do yourself a favor and read it.

         I'm also going to assume that you know I've agreed to continue the story, six weeks ago.  I make a lot of assumptions, it's a thing.

         Thank you for your patience. The first chapter of the continuation is being finished, and I intend to submit it to FiMFICTION on Wednesday.

    I'm serious this time. No, really.

    At the moment my goal is to put out a new 4-6k chapter every three weeks. Not the most thrilling pace, but it's something I can do, and it should keep you all from going into withdrawals again. I agreed to continue this story because I love the setting and characters, please join me as we see where they go from here.

    11 comments · 361 views
  • 72w, 18h
    The Shy Baboon

       I was listening to a podcast from RADIOLAB when I noticed that the primatologist being interviewed reminded me a little bit of Flutterhy. So I listened, and the more I heard, the more I was struck by the similarities in her voice, her attitudes about animals and people, and her diet (it only makes sense if you listen to the podcast). The episode in question was called 'The Shy Baboon', from Feb 8, 2010.

    That's it.

    No deeper meaning, I just found the idea interesting.

    2 comments · 121 views
  • 89w, 3d
    Anypony read Brust?

    That would be writer Steven Karl Zoltán Brust, author of Jhereg and the other books of the Vlad Taltosh series, along with quite a few others, but it's the world of Dragaera I'm concerned with right now.

    If you haven't I suggest them, but that's not why I'm writing this blog.

    I'm writing because of this post on his personal blog - which is entertaining in it's own right.

    At first I just laughed, especially as you see Mr. Brust become increasingly uncomfortable in the comments, but then I started thinking, as I am wont to do, and it started making a little too much sense:

    You've got Humans (short, hairy, life expectancy of less than a hundred years)

    and you've got elves (Several feet taller, live for at least a thousand years, much easier access to magic, call themselves humans for some reason)

    The power imbalance reminds me of ponies and alicorns, and from there all sorts of other details start falling into place...

    But it leaves me with a question: so what?

    Is this worth exploring? Is there any good reason to even try either a cross-over or a ponified fan-fiction other than to know that it will make one of my favorite writers be torn between amusement and being disturbed?

    Do any of you fine folk even know what the buck I'm talking about? Is there a better place for me to be asking this question?

    I am a simple sentient, I just want to write about oranges.

    10 comments · 188 views
  • ...

This follows the events described in the Cutie Mark Chronicles, with one small change: The Sonic Rainboom doesn't happen like it was supposed to. Six destinies fail to start. But when one door closes, another one opens.

Cover Art by Inspired_Light

This is supposed to be close to Canon, but since history is altered and the characters don't experience many of the events that make them who they are in the show I'm listing this as alternate universe (does that make sense?)

For the same reason I'm listing the OC tag, even though the OCs are the mane 6 living different lives.

Nopony dies, nopony suffers permanent psychological scarring, and no irrational whirlwind romances happen.

If I have inadvertently included somepony's OC I apologize.

Warning: contents may contain Existentialism. The facility used also handles peanut based products and wheat gluten.

First Published
27th Aug 2012
Last Modified
20th Jan 2014


Finally got the time to read this. It's excellent, and I can see a lot of ways you could go with it. Tracking it, then, and such-- but if there's one thing you need, it's proofreading.

A nice story. I've actually been planning out my own story with a very similar premise.

You say this is your first story? I honestly have to applaud you then. The writing is excellent, the formatting good, and the characters almost believable.

The combined first persons view is difficult. You either need to pick a single character as your first person view, or use 3rd person. You get the thoughts from every character, distinct only in that it's next to their dialogue, but not between quotation marks.

Other than that, it's a great story. Hopefully, when I get around to writing my alternate universe, it won't have to compete with your work.


Thank you.  I have written before, just not fiction. I read a great deal of fiction, and have spent more time than I care to remember running table-top RPGs

I may have top try something different for the character's internal thoughts in later chapters, but they will always be from the focus for that sub-section. I prefer my omniscience limited.:derpytongue2:

Edit: Holey moley, I didn't realize copy/paste removed ALL of my editing, I'm fixing it now.

Edit II: Now chapter 1 looks something like it was originally supposed to (8/29/12) Ha... see what limited sleep does for a person's ability to notice mistakes?:facehoof:

Truth be told I was afraid my work would be too similar to 'The Fluttershy Effect' after I saw the description for it, but it turns out we're going in different directions.

There are few truly original ideas, and every implementation has it's own character. Try reading 'What Technology Wants' (non-fiction by Kevin Kelly) for some fascinating historical precedence. Err, you don't have to:facehoof:

But don't be afraid to try something close to another work,a long as you know you'll cover new ground.

I think you meant canon (not cannon)

>>1169651 :facehoof: Indeed ser.

Thanks for the catch:scootangel:

Edit: and fixed.


:applejackunsure:Thank you for your honesty.

Anything in particular, our just systemic mistakes?


- I noticed quite a few mistakes with quotes (generic example: the spacing error in [ "The quick brown fox, "jumped over the lazy dog ] is especially recognizable with smart quotes)

- Capitalization

- Please, please, please italicize thought processes. Every time a story jumps into the first person from two separate perspectives from what was a limited third person perspective, three-- no, FOUR kittens die.

- Fragments, run-ons, etc.

Proofread. Proofread for the kittens.

Haha, the chapters have been doubled!

Edit: ah sleep, what a wonderful thing.

I should have a pre-reader soon.

Edit: Nope, but I have other options


I never am afraid for my own sake, but I have been severely criticized in the past for utilizing similar concepts.

"What Technology Wants"... I'll add it to my reading list... Granted, that still may mean a solid year before I get through everything else, but it's in the queue.

Hmm... Seems we will be covering very different ground between our two fics...

It seems you're more shuffling around the characters, whereas my plans set them in spectacularly different directions... Mostly negative ones, at that.

Nevertheless, I am very interested in where this is going, and I quite like how you are portraying the characters.

Loved all the nods during the Omega Flight Camp, and loved the ending even more.

Ok, you're probably all sick of the merry-go round approach to storytelling, yes?:pinkiesick:

I'm thinking the next chapter should be broken up into six updates that each center on one of the Mane Six

Lot's more grammatical errors I noticed in this one, but they all looked like the "Hurry up and write" style of errors.

It's difficult to picture some of their new cutie marks, but you certainly gave a good shot at describing them.

The only portion I really dislike, is Rainbow's. Maybe it's related to how I really just don't like her, but that portion of the story seemed, pointless. It may also have something with the fact that I always though Rarity's talent came from her learning a lesson from the rock, and Rainbow hasn't really learned anything.

In any case, that's my one big beef with the story. I loved just about everything else, AJ making a fool of herself, Fluttershy yelling at the weather captain, Pinkie being in multiple places at once, Rarity actually saving people, and Twilight memorizing the family names of every tree in the orchard. I look forward to the next update with bated breath.

BTW, I envy your speed. It can take me weeks to get a chapter of story written.


I... please, whatever crimes against literature I'm committing don't take it out on the humble apostrophe :fluttercry:.

In all seriousness, I will find my errors and I will DESTROY THEM! :flutterrage:.

Hmm... Cutie Marks, sigh, I suppose this means I should come up with a cover art for the next batch of chapters.:moustache: sigh, illustration I love, but you don't love me...

Ah, Rainbow Dash...:ajsleepy: I was trying for an extension of her struggle with eggheadom in-canon. But, didn't give it the attention it deserved:twilightblush: I thought I had a good start when she came unmoored from her proto-jock status, but I can see I left her hanging:facehoof:.

It seems ironic to me that hers hasn't been the loudest voice in my head.

Some things never change, no matter how much I may shuffle them around. Finding those bits of identity that refuse to bow to fate and narration is one of the rewards of writing this.

A for the writing, believe it or not, this is the cut-down version. I edit heavily because I editorialize shamelessly. Also, stress is a great motivator:pinkiecrazy:. This whole process is new to me, and *shameless plug* the feedback has been great-I mean getting feedback. If there's a category below lurker, that's where I usually am at on the web.

Edit: and Bullet Points, oh so many bullet points. Not only do they help organize my time-line, but it gives the characters time to give me their own inputs... that makes sense, right?

Also, I am a bottomless barrel of exposition (that line is stolen).

**completely unrelated to above **

Does anypony know if a fic had been written where a demon tries to buy the soul of the creator of MLP FIM but she turns him down? You could call it 'Faust'.



I apologize for my mistake. This fic was the first thing I read upon waking up this morning. It even came before the back of the cereal box, so I'm amazed I only made that one error.

I could give a hand at making their cutie marks. I would not even hint at calling myself an artist, but symbols, particularly cutie marks, are something I can create.

As for your heavy editing, I applaud you. I admire the writer who can get a very rough draft written, and then edit the #### out of it. I edit, reedit, modify, scrap, rewrite, and perfect it to the best of my ability as I work through, which generally ruins the flow of the process.

And I would love to write that fic, just as a one-shot... In fact, I just saw how it ended in my head...

Curse you! Instead of finishing the second chapter of my other fic, I'm gonna have to write this one now!

Feels and lulz in all the right places.


*Magnanimous Wave* All is forgiven.:scootangel:

Wow, before cereal?:rainbowhuh: I gotta' step up my game.

If you want to try a hoof at Cutie Mark representation that would be great.:twilightsmile:

Yeah, the edits they are coming more often.

Nurse Pie just won't hold still long enough for me to get anything written!:pinkiecrazy:

Err sorry about the stealth collab, sometimes an idea just wants out RIGHT NOW!:flutterrage:


Edit: To everypony concerned, I won't be submitting any new chapters until Sunday, but after that they're going to be coming out at a rapid pace.

I intend to have this story finished by the third week of September - no matter how much the story tries to expand past my grasp.

I'll be trying a few new things in the next six chapters, the side benefit of which will be far less pony-hopping between sections.

Though a couple paragraphs could do with being split up for readability (ha ha, look who's talking...), excellent all the same.

Also, this story has a criminally low favs/reads/thumbs count. :twilightangry2:


I'll go back through and see what I can do, although the Twilight Ramble is supposed to be a wall of text:twilightblush:

Thankee sai:ajsmug: for your kind words, but this is my first work here.

Also, the lack of artwork until this last thursday (thank you again, Inspired_Light :yay:)

probably put someponies off.

Edit: wait, blog? ... HOLY! :fluttercry: I don't have words for...

It's been said before, but the fans of this show are amazing.

You rock.


Ahhem, uh, sorry...

Well written, both parts of this chapter you've posted.

During Diane's, the dialogue did get very confusing in the beginning. Remember, every line of dialogue is a new paragraph.

Excellent job. I must say, I love Diane, especially the quip about circular breathing.

Can't wait for the other four parts.

Very interesting direction for Rainbow Dash; didn't expect the "Engineer Dash," but I like it!

Usually, I'd roll my eyes at references to happening in the show in a story like this, but I found the Mare Do Well reference to actually work! Now there's a rare sight!

Eagerly waiting for more!

:pinkiegasp: Rainbow!? What the hay are you...:applejackunsure:

Ohh:facehoof: 'edit' is next to 'publish':unsuresweetie:


... well I'm not sending her back.

This is what I get for doing late night editing.:trollestia:


Well, I'm glad I took your blog advice and read this, because apart from a few errors, this story's great!

Keep it up, Murphy!

>>1206880  Shh! Don't say his name:applejackconfused::fluttershbad::raritydespair::twilightoops:

I'm not that...that walking disaster.:pinkiegasp:

In seriousness, thanks for your enthusiasm-that is what keeps me going:rainbowdetermined2:

whelp your awsome! story is awsome! halarity is a full ten! good job

that is all

*clap clap clap*

Excellent work. I was glued to my chair the whole way through. Granted, you probably have my sister to thank for that...

The only think I have to say is: Clomping. In the show, it always seems that pony-clapping is stamping their hooves...

MOAR! I freaking love this story so far! Even though I hate Rarity, I find myself wanting to read her storyline most of all.

>>1209134 your wish is my demand:scootangel:

Oh, I'm afraid Rarity's storyline may not make you a fan of her.:raritywink:

All the Mane will get their turn as ... the Star:coolphoto:

I.. I'm so sorry. Please undestand that there wasn't any other way to write this part.:applecry:

Words words words...:pinkiecrazy:

This goes up because I don't want to leave you ponies hanging, but I know it will require more editing, if every chapter before it is anything to judge by.:unsuresweetie:

Please, your observations on the mistakes, do not hold back - the only way I'll learn is if I suffer. :trollestia:

There are a lot of references to things that aren't explained, which seem a bit confusing? I think?

Some of the interaction between Rarity and Shining Armor in particular, it seemed like I was missing something.

>>1212317 :applejackunsure::twilightblush:

That conversation... I was afraid it might be a little confusing.

There are about three layers to this talk, and if you're never been on either side of a conversation like this, consider yourself lucky.

Rarity wants to come to Ponyville, but she wants Shining Armor to lend her authority without asking a lot of inconvenient questions.

She is trying to achieve this by first puting the Stallion on edge about her sexually (really, if you're never had this happen to you be greatful, this the at of flirting weaponized).

She offers an escape from that confrontation by bringing up investigation, a subject both history professors and security personnel had best to learn if they want to advance their careers.

The jokes here are a spoof of Sherlok Holmes's famous 'Casual observation yeilds solid evidence routine, and the mystery writter comment is areference to a show from the 80's called 'Murder, she Wrote'.

Now that Shining feels a little more in control of the situation, Rarity allows him to ask the obvious question: why are you trying to come along. I'm sure you're had people answer your questions with nonsense when they don't want to give you a straight answer but don't feel like hurting your feelings - that is what Shining THINKS Rarity does, and it leaves him so relieved from the awkward start of the conversation that he not only goes with it but is actually more comfortable around her now.

So, to review: Rarity didn't lie a single time, every sentence she spoke had a reasonable explanation, she was playing a stallion like a puppet, she was deliberately misleading a ranking officer, and has inadvertently made Celestia's representative in Ponyville LESS likely to recognize the threat of Nightmare Moon. Questions?

Also: a blue-tit is a variety of bird, Tit is English slang that means something like 'stuffy idiot'.

Edit: Oh, looking at the Rarity parts I realize how much I've borrowed from Elizabeth Peters. Read 'The Crocodile on the Sandbank' if you want to get hooked on a series like a meeting of 'Indiana Jones' and 'Miss Marple' in Early 20th Century Egypt. I'm Daring you to Do it. :facehoof:

Where the buck is part V, pray tell.


Today, it'll be posted today

Twilight is being difficult-so I had to do a re-write.

>>1219489 Ahh. thanks for the answer. I don't care for time limits, I was just curious as to why VI was up before V.

>>1219499 :twilightsmile:Always happy to serve.

:pinkiegasp: So much prologue, so very very much prologue.

Now the real work starts.:pinkiecrazy:

I'm not gunning for 'Most prolific writer on FiMFiction.Net'

So updates will be a little slower from here on out, but I'm aiming for consistency. Please bare with me, I promise the payoff is worth it.:trixieshiftleft:

Also, the journey itself should be reason enough:unsuresweetie:

I love seeing everypony theorize, but please keep in mind you have Six unreliable narrators.

the non-linear progression of updates intrigues me.

Like the progress of this story so far, but the braces in this chapter where distracting and, I believe, unnecessary. You've already established in previous chapters that Twilight has a habit of talking to herself, so there's no need to start separating the inner dialogues into "Twilight" and "other part of Twilight" now... unless the talking-to-self is starting to develop into something... more worrying. :unsuresweetie:

"And surprisingly often, covered in tree sap."

Loved it. I may like Fluttershy best, but Twilight has always been Best Pony.

>>1221960 we so rarely in life get a complete picture of what's going on. Reading this as it's posted, you will see a different story than later arrivals.

Also, for the record, Rainbow Dash posted her own damn self early.:rainbowdetermined2:

>>1222109 :facehoof: Thank you, I was trying for clarity so it's better to know now rather than later. Btw, the blog post:fluttercry: Thanks.

>>1222521 :applecry::yay::twilightblush:

Also, thanks to everypony who makes it past chapter two, I honestly don't know if I would be remotely sane right now without it. 38k over 10 days, you do the math, I've got to zzzzzzzzzz...

are they going to have the same elements


I suppose at this point that doesn't count as a spoiler...

No, no they won't:twistnerd::pinkiegasp:

Hmm... small, random curiosity Would/Does Scootaloo admire Captain Hurricane Fluttershy in this universe?


Ah, you refer to my little advert for you? Not a problem at'll!

... I feel like I don't deserve the recognition I have, so I pass it along as much as I'm able...


There's a scene coming in a later installment dealing with that.:scootangel:

Also, would you believe I didn't make the first to second MDW connection back in Rider4?:rainbowhuh:

I may use it later but props for catching it, I was just puting down stuff that made sense, sequentially.:rainbowdetermined2:

Rainbow Dash continues to confound me.:rainbowlaugh:

I'll shut up about the other thing, internet philanthropy is a new thing to me. You can ask Inspired_Light, I wouldn't stop gushing about those pics:facehoof:

Oh, this is fantastic, I am enjoying every second of this! :pinkiehappy:

Excellent work.

Just a suggestion, but you may want to use the strip of color to delineate who is the focus of a section, rather than the full cutie mark. As much as I just love looking at my artwork, it takes up a full paragraph of space.

Also, if I see either of the unicorn cuties again, I'll have to revise them to look more natural.

>>1230511 If Rarity's lost the lines and had all the gems be the same size it'd be a standard G1-pattern cutie mark. :raritywink:


>>1230511:pinkiesmile: noted, I'll fix it later today.

Edit: and fixed, Battle1 & 2 are easier to look at now

Over 200 readers?:pinkiegasp:As long as you ponies are reading,

I can't :derpyderp1:

I won't:twilightangry2:

& I don't:flutterrage:

Stop:rainbowdetermined2: thoughts from Twilight concerning her injured brother?

>>1232159 None printable, at least:derpytongue2: Between paralysis and blind rage, some choose suppression.

>>1232170 :rainbowwild:

Login or register to comment