*edit*

Finally got the time to read this. It's excellent, and I can see a lot of ways you could go with it. Tracking it, then, and such-- but if there's one thing you need, it's proofreading.

A nice story. I've actually been planning out my own story with a very similar premise.

You say this is your first story? I honestly have to applaud you then. The writing is excellent, the formatting good, and the characters almost believable.

The combined first persons view is difficult. You either need to pick a single character as your first person view, or use 3rd person. You get the thoughts from every character, distinct only in that it's next to their dialogue, but not between quotation marks.

Other than that, it's a great story. Hopefully, when I get around to writing my alternate universe, it won't have to compete with your work.

>>11689711168971

Thank you.  I have written before, just not fiction. I read a great deal of fiction, and have spent more time than I care to remember running table-top RPGs

I may have top try something different for the character's internal thoughts in later chapters, but they will always be from the focus for that sub-section. I prefer my omniscience limited.

Edit: Holey moley, I didn't realize copy/paste removed ALL of my editing, I'm fixing it now.

Edit II: Now chapter 1 looks something like it was originally supposed to (8/29/12) Ha... see what limited sleep does for a person's ability to notice mistakes?

Truth be told I was afraid my work would be too similar to 'The Fluttershy Effect' after I saw the description for it, but it turns out we're going in different directions.

There are few truly original ideas, and every implementation has it's own character. Try reading 'What Technology Wants' (non-fiction by Kevin Kelly) for some fascinating historical precedence. Err, you don't have to

But don't be afraid to try something close to another work,a long as you know you'll cover new ground.

I think you meant canon (not cannon)

>>11696511169651 Indeed ser.

Thanks for the catch

Edit: and fixed.

>>11689061168906

Thank you for your honesty.

Anything in particular, our just systemic mistakes?

>>11715441171544

- I noticed quite a few mistakes with quotes (generic example: the spacing error in [ "The quick brown fox, "jumped over the lazy dog ] is especially recognizable with smart quotes)

- Capitalization

- Please, please, please italicize thought processes. Every time a story jumps into the first person from two separate perspectives from what was a limited third person perspective, three-- no, FOUR kittens die.

- Fragments, run-ons, etc.

Proofread. Proofread for the kittens.

Haha, the chapters have been doubled!

Edit: ah sleep, what a wonderful thing.

I should have a pre-reader soon.

Edit: Nope, but I have other options

>>11691951169195

I never am afraid for my own sake, but I have been severely criticized in the past for utilizing similar concepts.

"What Technology Wants"... I'll add it to my reading list... Granted, that still may mean a solid year before I get through everything else, but it's in the queue.

Hmm... Seems we will be covering very different ground between our two fics...

It seems you're more shuffling around the characters, whereas my plans set them in spectacularly different directions... Mostly negative ones, at that.

Nevertheless, I am very interested in where this is going, and I quite like how you are portraying the characters.

Loved all the nods during the Omega Flight Camp, and loved the ending even more.

Ok, you're probably all sick of the merry-go round approach to storytelling, yes?

I'm thinking the next chapter should be broken up into six updates that each center on one of the Mane Six

Lot's more grammatical errors I noticed in this one, but they all looked like the "Hurry up and write" style of errors.

It's difficult to picture some of their new cutie marks, but you certainly gave a good shot at describing them.

The only portion I really dislike, is Rainbow's. Maybe it's related to how I really just don't like her, but that portion of the story seemed, pointless. It may also have something with the fact that I always though Rarity's talent came from her learning a lesson from the rock, and Rainbow hasn't really learned anything.

In any case, that's my one big beef with the story. I loved just about everything else, AJ making a fool of herself, Fluttershy yelling at the weather captain, Pinkie being in multiple places at once, Rarity actually saving people, and Twilight memorizing the family names of every tree in the orchard. I look forward to the next update with bated breath.

BTW, I envy your speed. It can take me weeks to get a chapter of story written.

>>11808851180885

I... please, whatever crimes against literature I'm committing don't take it out on the humble apostrophe .

In all seriousness, I will find my errors and I will DESTROY THEM! .

Hmm... Cutie Marks, sigh, I suppose this means I should come up with a cover art for the next batch of chapters. sigh, illustration I love, but you don't love me...

Ah, Rainbow Dash... I was trying for an extension of her struggle with eggheadom in-canon. But, didn't give it the attention it deserved I thought I had a good start when she came unmoored from her proto-jock status, but I can see I left her hanging.

It seems ironic to me that hers hasn't been the loudest voice in my head.

Some things never change, no matter how much I may shuffle them around. Finding those bits of identity that refuse to bow to fate and narration is one of the rewards of writing this.

A for the writing, believe it or not, this is the cut-down version. I edit heavily because I editorialize shamelessly. Also, stress is a great motivator. This whole process is new to me, and *shameless plug* the feedback has been great-I mean getting feedback. If there's a category below lurker, that's where I usually am at on the web.

Edit: and Bullet Points, oh so many bullet points. Not only do they help organize my time-line, but it gives the characters time to give me their own inputs... that makes sense, right?

Also, I am a bottomless barrel of exposition (that line is stolen).

**completely unrelated to above **

Does anypony know if a fic had been written where a demon tries to buy the soul of the creator of MLP FIM but she turns him down? You could call it 'Faust'.

>>11816861181686

I apologize for my mistake. This fic was the first thing I read upon waking up this morning. It even came before the back of the cereal box, so I'm amazed I only made that one error.

I could give a hand at making their cutie marks. I would not even hint at calling myself an artist, but symbols, particularly cutie marks, are something I can create.

As for your heavy editing, I applaud you. I admire the writer who can get a very rough draft written, and then edit the #### out of it. I edit, reedit, modify, scrap, rewrite, and perfect it to the best of my ability as I work through, which generally ruins the flow of the process.

And I would love to write that fic, just as a one-shot... In fact, I just saw how it ended in my head...

Curse you! Instead of finishing the second chapter of my other fic, I'm gonna have to write this one now!

Feels and lulz in all the right places.

>>11827141182714

*Magnanimous Wave* All is forgiven.

Wow, before cereal? I gotta' step up my game.

If you want to try a hoof at Cutie Mark representation that would be great.

Yeah, the edits they are coming more often.

Nurse Pie just won't hold still long enough for me to get anything written!

Err sorry about the stealth collab, sometimes an idea just wants out RIGHT NOW!

>>11849301184930

Edit: To everypony concerned, I won't be submitting any new chapters until Sunday, but after that they're going to be coming out at a rapid pace.

I intend to have this story finished by the third week of September - no matter how much the story tries to expand past my grasp.

I'll be trying a few new things in the next six chapters, the side benefit of which will be far less pony-hopping between sections.

Though a couple paragraphs could do with being split up for readability (ha ha, look who's talking...), excellent all the same.

Also, this story has a criminally low favs/reads/thumbs count.

>>12038371203837

I'll go back through and see what I can do, although the Twilight Ramble is supposed to be a wall of text

Thankee sai for your kind words, but this is my first work here.

Also, the lack of artwork until this last thursday (thank you again, Inspired_Light )

probably put someponies off.

Edit: wait, blog? ... HOLY! I don't have words for...

It's been said before, but the fans of this show are amazing.

You rock.

WHAT!? RARITY! WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH SHINING?!

Ahhem, uh, sorry...

Well written, both parts of this chapter you've posted.

During Diane's, the dialogue did get very confusing in the beginning. Remember, every line of dialogue is a new paragraph.

Excellent job. I must say, I love Diane, especially the quip about circular breathing.

Can't wait for the other four parts.

Very interesting direction for Rainbow Dash; didn't expect the "Engineer Dash," but I like it!

Usually, I'd roll my eyes at references to happening in the show in a story like this, but I found the Mare Do Well reference to actually work! Now there's a rare sight!

Eagerly waiting for more!

Rainbow!? What the hay are you...

Ohh 'edit' is next to 'publish'

... well I'm not sending her back.

This is what I get for doing late night editing.

>>12038371203837

Well, I'm glad I took your blog advice and read this, because apart from a few errors, this story's great!

Keep it up, Murphy!

>>12068801206880  Shh! Don't say his name

I'm not that...that walking disaster.

In seriousness, thanks for your enthusiasm-that is what keeps me going

whelp your awsome! story is awsome! halarity is a full ten! good job

that is all

*clap clap clap*

Excellent work. I was glued to my chair the whole way through. Granted, you probably have my sister to thank for that...

The only think I have to say is: Clomping. In the show, it always seems that pony-clapping is stamping their hooves...

MOAR! I freaking love this story so far! Even though I hate Rarity, I find myself wanting to read her storyline most of all.

>>12091341209134 your wish is my demand

Oh, I'm afraid Rarity's storyline may not make you a fan of her.

All the Mane will get their turn as ... the Star

>>12091751209175

...

I.. I'm so sorry. Please undestand that there wasn't any other way to write this part.

Words words words...

This goes up because I don't want to leave you ponies hanging, but I know it will require more editing, if every chapter before it is anything to judge by.

Please, your observations on the mistakes, do not hold back - the only way I'll learn is if I suffer.

There are a lot of references to things that aren't explained, which seem a bit confusing? I think?

Some of the interaction between Rarity and Shining Armor in particular, it seemed like I was missing something.

>>12123171212317

That conversation... I was afraid it might be a little confusing.

There are about three layers to this talk, and if you're never been on either side of a conversation like this, consider yourself lucky.

Rarity wants to come to Ponyville, but she wants Shining Armor to lend her authority without asking a lot of inconvenient questions.

She is trying to achieve this by first puting the Stallion on edge about her sexually (really, if you're never had this happen to you be greatful, this the at of flirting weaponized).

She offers an escape from that confrontation by bringing up investigation, a subject both history professors and security personnel had best to learn if they want to advance their careers.

The jokes here are a spoof of Sherlok Holmes's famous 'Casual observation yeilds solid evidence routine, and the mystery writter comment is areference to a show from the 80's called 'Murder, she Wrote'.

Now that Shining feels a little more in control of the situation, Rarity allows him to ask the obvious question: why are you trying to come along. I'm sure you're had people answer your questions with nonsense when they don't want to give you a straight answer but don't feel like hurting your feelings - that is what Shining THINKS Rarity does, and it leaves him so relieved from the awkward start of the conversation that he not only goes with it but is actually more comfortable around her now.

So, to review: Rarity didn't lie a single time, every sentence she spoke had a reasonable explanation, she was playing a stallion like a puppet, she was deliberately misleading a ranking officer, and has inadvertently made Celestia's representative in Ponyville LESS likely to recognize the threat of Nightmare Moon. Questions?

Also: a blue-tit is a variety of bird, Tit is English slang that means something like 'stuffy idiot'.

Edit: Oh, looking at the Rarity parts I realize how much I've borrowed from Elizabeth Peters. Read 'The Crocodile on the Sandbank' if you want to get hooked on a series like a meeting of 'Indiana Jones' and 'Miss Marple' in Early 20th Century Egypt. I'm Daring you to Do it.

Where the buck is part V, pray tell.

>>12194341219434

Today, it'll be posted today

Twilight is being difficult-so I had to do a re-write.

>>12194891219489 Ahh. thanks for the answer. I don't care for time limits, I was just curious as to why VI was up before V.

>>12194991219499 Always happy to serve.

So much prologue, so very very much prologue.

Now the real work starts.

I'm not gunning for 'Most prolific writer on FiMFiction.Net'

So updates will be a little slower from here on out, but I'm aiming for consistency. Please bare with me, I promise the payoff is worth it.

Also, the journey itself should be reason enough

I love seeing everypony theorize, but please keep in mind you have Six unreliable narrators.

the non-linear progression of updates intrigues me.

Like the progress of this story so far, but the braces in this chapter where distracting and, I believe, unnecessary. You've already established in previous chapters that Twilight has a habit of talking to herself, so there's no need to start separating the inner dialogues into "Twilight" and "other part of Twilight" now... unless the talking-to-self is starting to develop into something... more worrying.

"And surprisingly often, covered in tree sap."

Loved it. I may like Fluttershy best, but Twilight has always been Best Pony.

>>12219601221960 we so rarely in life get a complete picture of what's going on. Reading this as it's posted, you will see a different story than later arrivals.

Also, for the record, Rainbow Dash posted her own damn self early.

>>12221091222109 Thank you, I was trying for clarity so it's better to know now rather than later. Btw, the blog post Thanks.

>>12225211222521

Also, thanks to everypony who makes it past chapter two, I honestly don't know if I would be remotely sane right now without it. 38k over 10 days, you do the math, I've got to zzzzzzzzzz...

are they going to have the same elements

>>12253291225329

I suppose at this point that doesn't count as a spoiler...

No, no they won't

Hmm... small, random curiosity Would/Does Scootaloo admire Captain Hurricane Fluttershy in this universe?

>>12229941222994

Ah, you refer to my little advert for you? Not a problem at'll!

... I feel like I don't deserve the recognition I have, so I pass it along as much as I'm able...

>>12288801228880

There's a scene coming in a later installment dealing with that.

Also, would you believe I didn't make the first to second MDW connection back in Rider4?

I may use it later but props for catching it, I was just puting down stuff that made sense, sequentially.

Rainbow Dash continues to confound me.

I'll shut up about the other thing, internet philanthropy is a new thing to me. You can ask Inspired_Light, I wouldn't stop gushing about those pics

Oh, this is fantastic, I am enjoying every second of this!

Excellent work.

Just a suggestion, but you may want to use the strip of color to delineate who is the focus of a section, rather than the full cutie mark. As much as I just love looking at my artwork, it takes up a full paragraph of space.

Also, if I see either of the unicorn cuties again, I'll have to revise them to look more natural.

>>12305111230511 If Rarity's lost the lines and had all the gems be the same size it'd be a standard G1-pattern cutie mark.

>>12296631229663

>>12305111230511 noted, I'll fix it later today.

Edit: and fixed, Battle1 & 2 are easier to look at now

Over 200 readers?As long as you ponies are reading,

I can't

I won't

& I don't

Stop

Hmmm...no thoughts from Twilight concerning her injured brother?

>>12321591232159 None printable, at least Between paralysis and blind rage, some choose suppression.

>>12321701232170

>>12306241230624 I don't want it to stop.

MOAR,NEED MOAR

>>12332181233218

SO BE IT!

so what was the attempt on fluttershy?

>>12341691234169

Oh, you know, wealth, power, influence.

Just leave your friends-

Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking?

...I could write it in, for completion I suppose, but I'm not one for padding word count

and I thought it was funny to have it be a footnote. Opinions?

If I have this right,

Dash = Generosity

Rarity = Magic

Pinkie = Kindness

AJ = Laughter

Fluttershy = Loyalty

Twilight = Honesty

>>12343741234374

We have a winner!

First prize is a... Moustache!

Yes, that is the list I'm using. The exact nature of expression is... different, as you've seen.

>>12342011234201  Not much point, really; you've given us the biggest "tiny hint" we could ever hope to get about what Rainbow's (Update: I mean Fluttershy's--geh, serves me right for trying to post at 1 A.M.! ) new Element is going to be.  

This story is enjoyable... but at the same time so frickin' weird. *shudders*  

>>12344311234431

Glad I can amuse you.

Edit: Yeah, happens to me too - that's why I use the Twilight Sparkle approved 'triple check' Checklist

Ha! Love the "not ending" near the beginning there! 'Course, I tend to love all types of metatext humor, but those who not only dare to pull it off, but do it well are far too few in number... you actually had me for a half second there!

>>12346691234669

Yeah, I actually went back and added the periods because I was afraid I was actually going to fool some ponies.

I have to rein in my inherent 'Evil Bastard' tendencies sometimes

(I've spent a lot of time as a 'DM', you learn these things)

Very, very interesting... Love how you changed this scene, yet kept the "elements" of it (ha ha) the same. Now, hopefully, it has the same result... With the chapter titles as they are, I've been fearing that more will be changed than just the Mane Six's past and their Elements...

Well, that was..... different.

>>12361981236198All will be revealed.

>>12362081236208 just a minor variation

Random thought for the day, anypony know if there's a PMV for Dishwara's 'Tell me all your thoughts (on God)'?

Not nearly as religious as the title suggests.

If they haven't and somepony who does those sorts of things is reading this, I see the CMCs and/or Pipsqueak and Princess Celestia/Luna in my head for this and it is PERFECT

you = freaken awsome

this story = fraking sweet

I was hoping something like this would happen in "Hoofed By Your Own Petard". Thank you so much!

>>12366201236620 No ser, You Rock

Edit: but, I'll try to live up to your opinion.

>>12368631236863 Always nice to be able to please somepony

Next update will be Saturday evening, the last part is taking a lot of editing and reworking. It must be... perfect

'Howthefuckarentyougettingviews'

Now that thats out of the way , I Love You With a Passion Of a Hundred Burning Stars

Take my internets take them all

>>12420821242082 whatever mad compulsion keeps this story blasting out of my head doesn't seem to include writing a good Description blurb.

well, that explains why Chrome kept melting. had to switch to FireFox.

>>12455981245598 This was originally planned to be about 8 chapters. That's Chapters, period, no sub-chapters, no side stories. It just refuses to be resolved any faster than it's own pace, I'm along for the ride as much as you.

glad it's not over

Hm, I'm looking forward to seeing the more interesting parts of this "making amends" promise Rarity made--if you do go into those.

... And now I just realized in this universe there is no Pinkie Promise

>>12457921245792 Yes, a few at least.

Yeah, you break the universe, a few things are going to be lost.

Not really a consolation, but you'll get to see what ponies consider important enough to swear by

- when they do have to promise.

sorry with twilight not the element of magic of lost interest

>>12462711246271 Thanks for coming along this far. Hope you find stories you like better.

I must say, you've grown a ton as a writer over the course of this fic. I'm glad that I've been here to watch your writing improve.

There's not much more criticism I can give. Other than a few points where you've made some slight errors, the only flaws I can see are the kind that make a writer unique.

I have no doubt that you will continue to improve, and I wait with bated breath to see where you go.

>>12480711248071

Malcom Gladwell in the book 'Outliers' digs up a statistic for virtuosity-err excellence-of 10,000 hours. If I count every every act of confabulation-making stuff up-I'm probably only halfway.

Thank you.

Oh sleep, do not forsake me.zzz

Enjoy the double update, because I'm afraid the next chapter will be up Tuesday, if not Wednesday.

>>12520221252022

Where would the fun in that be? Schedules get messed up when plans go awry or fail to start in the first place.

I'm glad that this isn't following the exact footsteps of the show.

A slow realization has just come over me: Applejack appears to be speaking in a way more refined than in the show, but not "Rarity refined" and with the occasional slip... now please tell me this is intentional, because it's subtle, but SO. AWESOME!

Another note: love the name you gave Trixie's mother. Trixie Glamor sounds so much better than... Lulamoon So, SO much better that I feel like stealing it and slipping it into my story...

>>12521791252179 Everything Jackie says is deliberate

Seriously? Please do!

Yeah, Trixie... I've always felt bad for her, you know? No one starts out like that.

What was that phrase... 'Every child starts out a Prince or Princess, it's life that turns them into frogs.'

I'm curious how long you're planning to continue this for. You're done with the pilot episodes, and you reference Applebuck season and the gala here. You taking this all the way to the end of the show with "minor variations", or did you have a different story arc in mind?

>>12522661252266

Hmm... it's hard to answer your question without giving away the ending.

What I can say is that we'll be going at least as far as the time-frame of the first season, and some of the events of season one will happen, although the reactions will be somewhat different.

You can expect the differences to increase as the story progesses, as 'minor variations' build on themselves.

Ok, how about this: The season one time will take about eight chapters including the latest one, and I have about six more chapters planned after that, maybe an epilogue.

>>12523221252322 Mnope, this story is about following through on unintended consequences, so it'd be pretty shabby of me to end with "And our fight is just beginning!"

That answer works. I didn't want spoilers, I was just curious as to how much longer this was going to last. Some of these AU stories seem to end as soon as they finish the pilot.

Great job... someone should try to make an actual video of this!

>>12524311252431 Well I certainly wouldn't stop anypony who wanted to.

  Don't look at me for it--I just had the idea that seeing something like this as a PMV (sp?) would be cool... Besides, I don't even know how to post videos, let alone make them... heh.

I think the my most favorite part of this story is both Dianne and Dash. With Dianne I like reading her reactions to that wall she built around herself as it’s slowly chipping away from the inside-out. Then with Dash it’s like a throwback to one of the earlier generations except instead of being kind of creepy (that may be a strong word to use), you’ve expanded her character to more of an entrepreneurial genius instead of just a fashion expert. And let's not forget all the interactions as they flow beautifully; I said it before and I’ll say it again I am loving every second of this!

>>12524511252451 Yeah, Pony Music Video. Sorry, wasn't trying to put pressure on you, I just never know who's liste-reading these posts. Optimism and Paranoia, our friends on the inter-tube

>>12535351253535 What can I say? I'm a huge fan of Roger Zelazny and Steven Brust (and about a half a million other people, but let's keep this post readable, yes?) Also, I'm a sucker for Archetypes so when the show itself threw me one I couldn't resist.

>>12567001256700

"Ok, let's show this Prehistoric Nag how we do things in this town!"

Who are you going call?  Nightmaremoon-busters!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow for the win!

>>12569761256976 There's also a great cover by the group 'Me First & the Gimme Gimmes', but I don't think RD would be comfortable with a band name like that.

Edit: Ok folks, I'm not trying to tease you, but I'm pretty excited for the next update... which will be tomorrow, I'm sorry.

But trust me, if you've tolerated my story so far, I don't think you'll want to miss the Greatest Show in Equestria

How did you manage to fit all those references to other movies/shows in this--AND make them fit the dialogue!?! Brilliant! Keep it up!

This was... confusing...   But funny!  Nice job!

>>12620391262039 you should see the stuff I leave out

>>12620681262068 Yeah, action scenes are new for me.

On the plus side, you'd be confused if you'd been there.

By the way, Ursa Minor was my favorite beast.

I was going to watch the series by the point I saw Boast Busters, but the Bear really and truly hooked me.

>>12622521262252  That must be why it's confusing--I've seen "Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000" and "Putting Your Hoof Down," but I've never yet seen "Boast Busters" personally--only heard about it from references in other people's fics.    

>>12626241262624 Let me make sure we're on the same page here, Season 1, Episode 6, tG&P Trixie!?

You have been robbed, my friend

>>12626321262632   Possibly.  The good news is, all of Seasons 1 & 2 are on YouTube, so I can remedy any gaps in my knowledge when next I get a free 30 minutes.

"You leave mah second cousin outta' this!"

I nearly died from this!

Excellent conglomeration of all those episodes; pulling all those otherwise separate characters together while keeping them not only in character but retaining a semblance of their original roles in the show would be no mean feat... but then again, you already done the reverse for the Mane Six, so it shouldn't be surprising!

I'm interested in that Changeling... and not only because I love Changelings, but also because--unless I've forgotten something--she's the first OC in this story(?)...

>>12628961262896

You did forget a couple of characters. What about Differently Abled (Fluttershy's flying coach)?

Or the nurse "Dianne" was apprenticed to?

>>12628961262896 ... Did that to myself, didn't I? Morphus was thrown in to explain the many many ' lost changeling learns to love' stories. That's a terrible thing to do to a pony though, so I'll try to do right by her.

>>12636711263671 Yeah, Rosie Posey... technically she was based on earlier gen material, although those ones were gardeners-not too big a stretch to an herbalist though. A few backgrounders too: Hypocratic Oath, Good Hooves, Square Deal, and the coach with no name.

Aren't you forgetting somepony?

Oh, and Differently Able's students Thunderball (who exists primarily to explain one of the CMC's classmates), and Sea Foam no no, I am entirely not offended to be last on the list

So I guess you could say Morphus is the first completely uncalled for OC in the story, and a call-out does pretty much guarantee she'll show up again...this story just refuses to stay simple.

Edit: Come to think of it, what do all of you think defines OC'ness? This may be an opportunity for me to learn a little more about the Fandom