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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Can't believe this story isn't getting a hundred comments IT'S AMAZING!
Well, It is also in google docs; maibe people prefer read there.
Ah, even in the hell that is Filly, there is room for laughter.
Didn't really dig this chapter.
The horror bits would have worked better if you either talked about various instances of Parasprite yummies or just showed us, doing both just left me wanting to skim ahead to where story actually happened. I feel like less is more when it comes to horror.
Some of Murky's sufferings felt really forced, like the thing with the radaway. As soon as he didn't suck it down upon purchase, I knew he was gonna lose it.
But these are just my opinions and I do have a tendency to get antsy when a story doesn't go a way I'd do it, so take that as you will.
There was some good stuff though. I liked him wandering around Pip's trail and him volunteering as opposed to being ordered, those bits where nice and character-y and even had some cute humor. I also liked how you explicitly, but naturally, pointed out that his life as a slave is actually atypical and that others do help each other out. I still roll my eyes at his sexual awkwardness, but that's just me I know.
Rarity's office was a neat little set piece and the recording with Fluttershy is, I hope, gonna set up some BAD THING in the past that's gonna pop up again in this brave new world with such ponies in it.
There were three highlights for me. two at the end. The first end one was Murky coming up with a way out of this situation using barter, a character's addiction, and a pile of porno mags. That Hive didn't even get the drugs was a nice little moment of cheek for the Murkster.
The other was his interaction with Protege. I don't know what Protege is driving at with the little guy, but he does seriously seem to want to help him and the fact that involves putting him danger and hardship is interesting to me. In a way their relationship reminds me of a dom trying to get a sub to have more confidence in themselves through degradation, or something like that.
Anywho, the biggest Highlight for me was the man, the legend, the Red Eye. I just like watching him talk really, and talk he did. It's funny, I tend to have Red-y voiced by Simon Templeman in mind going full Legacy of Kain and his talk of coins with Murky very much reinforced that. Again I have NO IDEA what either of them can have in mind for pitiful like Murks, but it must be important. Right now that's the main thing that is keeping me reading, to find out what others want from him.
Sooty is quite a bothersome pony. Kinda hope he gets whats coming to him.
I know I'm really early on, but I have to comment because it's driving me crazy.
I hope Protege gets his before this is over.
I actually hate him more than Shackles. This is crazy.
2254195 Thank you for providing me with a suitable voice for Red Eye.
Though I know nothing of him, I am immediately reminded of RE when listening to this Kane fellow. They speak in a similar manner. I found the coin reference particually excellent.
I've only just reached this point, but I think I know what they want to use Murky for. I could be wrong, so I won't just say it outright, and I don't want to spoil it if I'm right.
But! What's the one time in canon FoE that Red Eye wanted to make use of a Pegasus?
Bablyon 5 quote! Love it. Hehehe.
"But I have no one to talk to," poor little
ZathrasMurky whimpered. "So I talk to dirt. Or to walls, or to ceilings. But dirt is closer. Dirt is used to everypony walking on it. Just like me. But I've come to accept it. It is my role. It is my destiny in the universe."I had a more elaborate comment, but it got deleted and I'm a bit irate about that.
I was going to talk about how Protege is becoming more interesting. He was already interesting and I already liked him, but now I like him more. It's interesting that some of your other readers hold the opposite opinion. It'll be neat to see how his part of the story plays out.
Is Protege actually a coltcuddler?
So Protege's one of the good guys?
I loved the idea behind Rarity's Grace. Makes perfect sense to me that she would despise the thing yet keep it around out of sentiment too. Above all I just adore the idea of a weapon sounding like a polite cough when fired. It was just too much for me to handle, had to share.
"You don't know the power of the Dark Side. I must obey my master."
Some typo corrections
"Flamers belched from on suspension platforms and bridges" - I think a word is missing
"Below me off the rather unnervingly close edge, I could see the giant pile of nests ready to be cut up. Shifting surfaces as sprites rustled around on the larger pockets of activity." - Shouldn't this be one sentence and not two?
"Flamethrowers were pushed into said holes and flushed them out from heavily armoured slavers tramping across the nest pile. " - I find this sentence a bit confusing as written. I assume you meant something like "Flamethrowers from heavily armed slavers tramping across the nests pile were pushed into said holes and flushed them out"? "Flushed them out from" makes it sound like they're being flushed out from a location, especially when the cause of the flushing is already listed, making the sentence just read weird to me.
"grabbed me by the waist and dragged me over so hard and hard that my ribs seemed to bend to one side" - Repeated word
"the effort making my head spin and the air intake needed cause my lungs to burn.'" - *caused
"Amongst it, I couldn't even say where was being bitten or chewed on" - Missing the word "I"
feeling the broken flesh beneath then and screaming - *Them
There was probably more typos in the parasprite pit section, I only started listening them when I was most of the way through. I found the parasprite pit section tedious and somewhat awkward; some of the descriptions of the environment confusing, and just in general the scenes of Murky working and slavers being assholes to him are the hardest for me to get through. Not that that last part's necessarily a story flaw but this section really demonstrates how slow pace this story can be:
Travel time to the Parasprite Pit area: 4 pages
Time outside the elevators: 3 pages
Time to get from the elevators to the actual work area: 7 pages
3 pages trying to repair the suit and getting beaten
Just Murky working before anything happens: over 4 pages
Total: 21 pages
Words: 9091
That bit, minus the swarm and after, was longer than Rainbow Factory.
I dropped this story for about a week during that sequence. It seems I've been dropping this story mid-chapter for longer and longer periods of time. But the ending of every chapter still makes me want to read more.
Anyway, I suggest re-viewing the parasprite pit section for typos and descriptions that could use improving.
I feel like Protege was the slave that became a slaver, and I find his character to be interesting and enjoyable. Also, glad the Sunny is alive, I was going to say fine but I don't think that's the case.
I'm glad that the story is awesome and, despite the situation, isn't all that depressing.
Rarity's grace, huh. Something is telling me about is telling me something
Not buying Redeye's bullshit for a second!
Layer after layer of pity and misery, until it becomes annoying and stupid.
Honestly, i'm surprised of myself i have made it that far. I guess the plot itself is that good.
7942979
Sadly I must agree
I said it before already
If you pile shit after shit after shit on the main protagonist, without any kind of respite, the reader slowly becomes numb to said individual ' s suffering.
I honestly don ' t care anymore if Murk lives or dies. Even notorious Project Horizons offered parts where you could say to yourself as reader " it is all worthy " or " this was sweet "
I guess I really read this for plot now.
8048058 Indeed. In PH, Blackjack went through some horrible shit, especially at the end, but even to the very end she was a badass and overcame everything sent her way. There was very little where she lost, and she didn't come back from it.
Murky, however, ALWAYS Loses, in every situation. It's always by LUCK, that he survives. Note, I said 'Survives', not 'Wins'. Cause I said in the first sentence, he always loses. So far in the story, it might seem like weeks or months have past, but in all actuality, it has been less than 3 days, 4 at most. Murky, without turning into a Ghoul (Missed chance already, would have been unique to have had him turned into a ghoul and the Slavers actually keep him around as now he won't expire, they can just force feed him radiation to heal his wounds and put him back to work. Honestly, you'd think they would actually HAVE Ghoul Slaves, just put them into a Sealed Suit with Rad Protection and put to work, keeping them away from the more heavily radiated areas.) or some other Miracle, he WILL Die in 4-7 more days. He's changed hooves, he's even been outside the walls, but everyone he meets and befriends dies or gets hurt cause of his actions, and ultimately he never expands or progresses. He's under a different master, but he's STILL in the same situation.
And that's really infuriating, cause he doesn't GROW from it. He was 'Somewhat' intelligent by trading in the porn mags for Mints to blackmail Hive. However, so far that's the ONLY time he's ever actually used his brain, when he could have been using it a LOT sooner. From the sounds of it, he's an Adult, yet he acts like He's 5. Not just in emotions and social skill, but in intelligence too. He sees EVIDENCE, MULTIPLE TIMES that Slaves can grow in power to be on par, or even above, a Slaver. And doesn't understand that even a Slaver is a Slave to Red Eye and those above them on the food chain. And he doesn't use those lessons to advance him enough till he can finally escape, when he's healthy, well supplied, and has more power to get into better areas and can bribe guards, slaves, and slavers to look away. Instead he just continues in the same 5 year old mindset, never changing.
Compare that to BlackJack or Pip, or any of the other FOE Stories, where the Main Character usually dramatically changes within usually the first or second chapter. Sure, Murky saw Lilpip and got inspired... But he still hasn't changed. He's still a caged slave, with the exact same way of thinking as before he met Lilpip, just with an actual goal, and most of the conflict is that he doesn't understand what that goal is, or how to get it, because he's still hasn't changed as a character, and still has the same slave mindset. And that, that can turn readers off, cause the set changes into a different situation or scene, but nothing progresses, nothing changes. Just the name of the Master, Job, and Location. That's it. Just changing names.
This story is really a hard grind to get through. Murky's nearly complete lack of character development so far is frustrating, but perhaps excusable given the mental and physical trauma. Whats really frustrating and unbelievable though is his total illiteracy. Even someone who cant read can still recognize packaging and some words in context such as street signs and warning labels and such. Murky should have at least a small vocabulary of words he can recognize on sight as if they are pictures just because he interacts with them often enough. Rad-Away for instance.
I have a feeling that Misty Sheen, the young mare in protective barding that Murky saved from going into the Ministry of Image, may turn out to be Murk's mystery mare, being down in the sprite pits to be with her buckfriend.
And Murk probably should have kept his word and told Hive where the rest of those Mint-als were buried. :/
Ah, so a soft-spoken, well-mannered monster. I see.
See? Told you. A well-spoken monster, but a monster nonetheless.