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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hmmm.... 500k word FOE story.... promises of overarching plot? Okay, I'm game. I'll take next week off and give it a read. Maybe it'll suck me in like FOE, and PH.
Preemptive favourite, away!
1468377
If this doesn't suck you in, I'll eat my collection of hats. It's brilliant. Really, fantastic. Forget about taking the weekend off; go ahead and take all of next week off and re-read it a few times.
1468409 Erm, I already said next week. I have plans this weekend, and I'm to tired to read right now. As for next week, I shall be able to be sucked in by the story all it wants me to.
The concept sounds rather awesome though. I really hope the tragedy elements come to play hardball.
That sentence sounds really... incorrect...
That end...
It was less sad than I was expecting it to be, though. The Master wasn't that cruel to him this time.
Great chapter as always.
...So now sometimes you're spelling it LittlePip and other times you're spelling it Littlepip.
I'M SO CONFUSED!
Interesting how Shackles is trying to mess with Murky's mind more than putting him through physical hell...though, admittedly, probably putting Murky through the latter would too easily kill him at this point.
Looking forward for more!
1469625
"hough, admittedly, probably putting Murky through the latter would too easily kill him at this point."
Precisely. Shackles understands his slave's limits when he wants to keep him.
I died a little inside.
Wow, I absolutely love it! Although it always hurts so much reading it
And the end nearly made me cry
However, your story is absolutely amazing! And yes, I immediately paused reading FoE:Heroes in the middle of a chapter (and everything else I did) as I saw this chapter being released! Keep up the good work (and take your time if you need it, although it's really hard to wait...)
You realize you're only about 70,000 words shy of surpassing the original FO:E in length? I really need to read this. So damn busy...
3 Hours, I took 3 hours to read this. Namely cause an episode of South Park came on, the one where people dress up as Bane and I was also watching a Let's Play by Two Best Friends Play. Noticed a few minor spelling errors, but they're barely noticeable ^_^.
So on to the chapter, it was definitely a lot better than the previous chapter, not because of the Murky abuse, but because this chapter feels like the quality of each of the previous chapters. By that I mean the last one was lacking that extra Oomph the other chapters and this one have. So the first thing, I really loved was the scene with the Slavers all meeting together like a secret Cabal or crime syndicate . I take it that you left some of the ponies present unnamed, so that you can reveal them later if you so desire. Also Wildcard, I absolutely love him, you were really on the ball when you were creating him.
Wildcard reminds me a bit of a crazed bandit from Pandora in Borderlands, but like a really badass bandit whom you have crossed with a particularly notorious and dangerous Raider from Fallout and turned into a pony. His name is practically literal, that is all kinds of awesome, but presents its own challenges as creating a wildcard can be really tricky. Still, kinda surprised Barb wasn't treated with more respect if Wildcard is literally involved in meetings, though that is probably cause Barb was still thought of more of an underling who was likely supposed to prove himself with his actions at the Mall and become part of this inner circle.
Very cool seeing another one of Brimstone's Big Four, I really hope you show all four of them. Barb and Wildcard are so different from one another, and yet alike in their Raider mentalities. Hoping if we see more of the Big Four we get to see a Raider kinda like Cook Cook from New Vegas, only without the weird Brahmin fetish Also Sooty, now I'll be honest and say his isn't one of my favourite characters, but I do like him, like you like that slimy/sleazy hustler that characters need to deal with to move up in the world. Dunno if he's going to get some kind of secure job like Mosin, perhaps as a supplier, running scavenging operations and turning tidy profits for himself and Red Eye. I still do like how you keep including Sooty though, kinda frightening if you think about how quickly he's risen since Murky stole medical supplies for him. Almost like Murky inadvertently created another of the big time players, don't get me wrong, Sooty Morass is crafty enough to rise on his own, but the idea that Murky might have given him a bit of a kickstarter with the medicine is interesting.
Also will we get to see Sooty's underground network, we know he has to have one. Only way he could acquire all the stuff he sells so easily. Which reminds me, Mosin's foreign dialect, is it based off the Russyin from The Last Sentinel? Is Mosin from the same Stalliongrad as the one from that story?
I liked how you used Shackles, his ability to read other ponies expressions and his knowledge of how ponies is think is really creepy. I originally assumed he was literally born in Fillydelphia, but then he speaks about arriving at Fillydelphia and finding his true calling here. I assume Shackles is in his 40's maybe late 50's given how he addresses Brimstone as old in the previous chapter. Of course nothing is certain about Shackles, which only adds to make him a symbol of slavery. I liked how you showed his method of thinking, and how Shackles strangely reminds me of Caeser from New Vegas. Far as I know, neither of them have considered training some sort of successor. Both rule over vast numbers of slaves and have loyal soldiers at their beck and call as well as a series of advisers.
Which of course means Shackles couldn't build something that could last, since he pretty much thinks of everypony as a potential slave, besides Slavers who show a certain calibre. Can't see Shackles deciding to train a apprentice or successor at some point. Might be something you can use in a later chapter.
Rounding up, Wormtail, a Harry Potter reference you clever devil you. Have a Pinkie Pie smile & a Big Mac . Also I dunno if it was just my suggestion or if you already had it planned, but that scene with the Master making Murky draw and Murky doing it well, was perfect. Also that bit about giving Murky his needed Radaway, might've been something Sooty suggested to Shackles, in case you decide to have dialogue between the two next chapter.
Anyway, great chapter, keep up the good work. My first real wall of text, hopefully conveys how much I enjoyed this chapter ^^.
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Aw, thanks man for so much feedback, as always!
The spelling errors...hmm, I need to think of a solution for this. You see, they've already been corrected and edited for a very long time...on Gdocs.
The FimFic version doesn't benefit from that unfortunately, which is becoming an increasing problem as the FimFic version is becoming very popular indeed. I believe what I may need to do is just bite the bullet and edit both of them at the same time for correcting spelling errors. It really sucks but...if FimFic is getting as much attention as this I really do need to ensure both versions maintain a high standard. I know the last few chapters in the FimFic version have errors that the GDoc one does not.
Anyway, I'll figure that out, on with the rest.
Really glad to hear you mentioning so much about Wildcard and the 'secret meeting.' I enjoyed writing both of them. It really forms the core that's beginning to tie a lot of story elements together. Wildcard, you probably nailed it actually. He's really inspired from a ton of sources. The more mental raiders, bandits from Borderlands, The Joker, Vaas from Far Cry 3 and that sort of ignorant drunkard you don't want to meet on a street who will twist your words and just want a fight no matter what you say. Having him ready to subvert and completely throw cliché out the window is going to be as fun as it will be hopefully fearful and unsettling.
Sooty really came from no-where in the sotry as a whole. Chapter 2's original plan didn't even include him until I wanted a market sequence to bulk out into something more interesting for chapter 2. Then he turned up (inspired, of course, by Moriarty) and just seemed to take on a little role of his own in the story quite without my meaning to. But then, that kinda suits him to steal his way in through the back door loophole isn't it? He'll certainly be sticking around now. Pixar once advised that you combine characters, something I very much agree with. I think having characters like Wicked Slit, Sooty Morass and Mosin keep reappearing and taking on roles that new characters may have filled helps build the world in a much more holistic manner than a character being created exclusively for one purpose.
Also, Wormtail is a Harry Potter reference? I may have to hide in the bunker with a hard hat on when I say...I've never actually read nor watched Harry Potter. *runs*
Shackles...well, what can I really say about him that isn't explaining too much about how he really works and spoiling a little of his presence? Suffice to say, I'm glad he's finding ways to make people find him interesting. My biggest worry was he'd becoming nothing but a "Hey I hurt ponies lol" one dimensional character. This chapter I wanted to flesh him out without really offering too much exposition of explanation on his actual backstory (something I feel works much better by being sort of unknown, even if I personally know precisely what it is in my plans)
1471116
Oh yeah, the thing you posted on Devart about forcing him to draw. That was...very odd timing. As the idea -had- came about in my head, but I wasn't sure how it would really go down. I perhaps think seeing that there gave me the final kick to go "Yeah, this could work" and then include it. So the idea did exist before your post...but I don't know whether I'd have used it until seeing it. So thank you either way. :p
I specifically didn't respond to your message there, because I didn't want to accidentally hint anything to you. I wasn't being rude, honest!
1468425 Hardball might be a bit of an understatement there. :D
1469030 Murky's drawing was pretty much the only part of him that had never been dominated or compromised. Today, that too was broken. I think deep down the master wants to be loved a little as well.
The breaking of his artistic integrity to show the Master actually displaying affection is quite reminiscent to the final scene of Nineteen Eighty Four.
I would love to give a blow by blow but really the time and the fact I read this on my cell phone make that very unlikely.
As usual fuzzy you did not disappoint. the whole stew part just screamed at me "Its a Trap!" personally i think if murky was thinking it would have been to set only a place to eat the food, or to actually dispose of it since it was not in its place.just let it sit there... or put the lid back on it would be better.
I don't torture ponies... *leaves food in the face of a starving slave* Don't Eat Unless I tell you! *pushes bowl to slave's face* I'm leaving clean this place up.
Monster reminds me of a Drill Instructor... Loved playing games, one minute fire watches my ass, in the Medical Recovery Platoon! If it weren't for the platoon being over 90 strong, sleep would have been no good. And then the Company Captain came in... He wasn't happy from what I heard, I slept through that part tho.
1468425
You wont regret it, I am loathe to admit it is of higher caliber that PH as a show not tell story. Not as much details into unimportant things. I love to have details but at times we want the story to move on, and that is that just move on.
dat ending.
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Is something actually going to happen soon? He's escaped and been caught how many times now?
1471431 Dude, that's fine about not spoiling it for me. I prefer to be left in the dark if you have something epic planned ^^. But out of curiousity, about Mosin's Stalliongrad accent/dialect. Was it based off of Adder's Russyin dialect from The Last Sentinel? I ask cause I think it would be awesome if this story and that story existed in the same continuity .
Quick idea that you could implement about rebuilding Murky's self-confidence. Murky decides to listen to the radio again, desperate to know what Littlepip is doing, he hears her absolution by DJ Pon3 on the massacres at Bucklyn Cross and Arbu, then he hears an extended radio message that also details the adventures of some of the other Wasteland Heroes, like Blackjack, Puppysmiles, Mach a.k.a The Rolling Thunder maybe even news about Ripple Two Kick in Neighwhere. Maybe makes Murky realise that Littlepip isn't the only one out there, trying to make things better. Of course this could rekindle Path of the Lightbringer perk or maybe enhance it. Just an idea that you might want to use in a future chapter ^_^.
STOP BREAKING MY HEART, THEN GIVING ME HOPE, THEN CRUSHING IT AGAIN YOU LITERARY SADIST
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Murky's character arc is fully planned, so no worries, I know where he's going as a sense of personality and direction of though. ;)
About Mosin, I haven't read The Last Sentinel. So I wouldn't know I'm afraid. His accent is translatable Russian, one of my Russian readers emailed me to tell me that his dialogue is pretty accurate and readable too. All of his italics are actually Russian swearing. I tell you, NO language can swear like Russian. They way it's just built and works is amazing.
The only stories I've read are FO:E, PH, Pink Eyes and Kiss Equestria Goodbye. I've started up to Chapter 1 of Heroes in the last couple of days too.
.1473541
I'm sooooorreeeeee. xD;
I hope everything will get better soon. In the beginning the story was really hard to read because of emotion overflow, but now I just watch Murky floundering in all this and helplessly waiting for a miracle of some sort. Though...making him draw on command did brought something new, but moments like this become more and more rare.
But still, I should join Tonto the Trotter. He said just about what I wanted to) The meeting, Wildcard, reappearance of some old characters, keep it up)
Oh, almost forgot. About russian swearing. That made me laugh a lot when I imagined english speaking readers trying to read and understand that))) Sure, it needs some work, but still looks pretty good. If you need help with that, call me)) You know where I am on DA, and here is my skype for good measure: lpq4713
1485148
Oh! Excellent! Thank you so much, I'd love to try and have the Russian as authentic for those who can read it as possible. I'll definitely be taking you up on that offer, Burnout! I'm glad that it's been fairly decent thus far, I've had little to go on and any research I did into it revealed that Russian swearing was about as xomplex as it gets to have the right...situation and feel to it as much as the words.
I look forward to the fun of getting it figured through. :p
I was wondering, is Murky's drawing style sorta modeled after Asher Lev's drawing style. (if you've heard of it)
1486976
Hmm, I hadn't heard of it, a few quick google searches seemed to reveal a play by the name of "My name is Asher Lev", with only a few images of artwork. So I'm not entirely sure if I'm seeing what you're seeing. His style is all charcoal and sketchy, but I deliberately don't describe it too much because I want people to begin reimagining the drawings how they feel he does them in their own mind. I've had a few artists say they see it in their style. I...think that's a good sign! (I hope.)
Could you link me to any specific examples you thought of? I'd love to see them.
It's a book, and the character is a really conflicted artist and uses charcoal, also. No real artwork, sorry XD. I just feel both of their views and ways of art are similar.
1487113
Oooh right, when you said 'style' you meant 'method of drawing' rather than 'art atyle.' Okay, I'm with you now!
That makes a lot more sense and yes, it's very liable to be quite close to that idea. The original concept behind it really came from seeing some kids in a Mental Disability Hospital using art to describe things they didn't know how to say. Like, one kept saying he was in pain but couldn't really figure it out. When asked to draw it...he just drew his head with a kind of explosion in the background around it.
The doctors investigated and found that he had a pulsating growth under his skull that was causing shock pain...which would have felt like his head was trying to burst.
Bit of a tangent from my point, but it's an interesting story and one that made me look at how a conflicted and probably mentally fractured little buck might find his real hidden will to live inside through his artwork even if he didn't know it.
1492456. Does sunny hold any hatred now because this has happened twice?
This story had me hooked from the moment I read the description, a pony born to the wastes and also born a slave. I couldn't wait to read and you have not dissapointed me. This story is amazing and I can hardly wait to read more <3
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Hehe...^^; I just try to think to myself what will elict an emotional response and still work for the story as it goes along. Both for the ups and...well, the downs, as you found. I'm glad it's having that sort of success in emotionally connecting you though!
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Aww, thanks man. I worked really hard to try and "advertise" the description as best I could to cover the basic themes of the story so hearing it was what drew you in is really cool! Very glad you're enjoying it. :)
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Thanks! I'll get that sorted. Both her and on GDocs. I know there will be discrepencies between the Gdocs and FimFic one always, but I'll try and minimise them.
1533763
MN7 is, as I intend it, all about a story with a continual hope spot. It goes down so it can go...hopefully...up.
Generally, the sense I'm looking to evoke is a continual unknown over what's going to happen and taking pleasure whenever the good does come about, just like I feel people in these hard days should try to. What I try to. Perhaps a bit cheesy but...it's what I try for.
Of course, I've never once talked about the 3rd act and I will continue to not tell where the story will lead...or how it will end.
Omg... Chainlink Shackles is such an a-hole! Why does he pick now of all times to have Murky draw him, doesn't he realize that Murky has bigger fish to fry? While the Master is forcing Murky to draw him, Glimmerlight is dying of rad poisoning, Brimstone Blitz is probably reverting to acting like a total sociopath without his friends to guide him, Sunny is working herself to death in a hole in the ground, and Unity and her coltfriend await whatever Red Eye has in store for them. I sure hope that Unity's friend is a unicorn too, Redeye isn't as shy about feeding earth ponies to the Goddess. And despite all this, Shackles seems to think that it is more important that he and Murky do what is his idea of proper father/son bonding instead of letting him help out the people who Murky actually likes. How can he be so selfish?
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However it ends, I will read it until the end and I'm sure it will be inspiring, as long as Murky doesn't die in the end, that would just be sad :P
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Thanks so much Zooty, it means so much to hear people praising to such extents and that it's meant that much to them. It's only fuelling my desire to get over this darn medical condition in my wrist (ganglion cyst if you didn't see my tumblr update, not too serious) and be able to write again. I can't wait to get back in the game.
Hope it continues to be so good for you. :) Thanks for taking the time to come tell me what you thought.
Took me many hours to get this far but it was well worth it. I cannot wait to see where this story leads and if Murky survives the horrors of Fillydelphia. I also wrote a review of this, which I'm hoping to be posting up onto Youtube or some other side soon :3
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Ooooh, do make sure to link me if it goes up. I'd love to hear your thoughts. :)
Thanks for taking the time to try it out and use your own time to read. Means a lot to me.
Yay!!! I finally found another Fo:E off-shoot that is actually still going! So many others started, and had a lot of promise, but then their authors just stopped. I'm so glad that I found this! From the short bit I've read, (literally only about half of chapter one), I already like your writing style, and this looks really promising! Thank you!
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Thanks man! I'm briefly on medical leave, but this is definitely in till the end!
Saw this a while ago and but it on the to-read list. Now, after i'm done with the original and Chapter 52 or Horizon, i gave it a try.
And i'm ashamed that i didnt read it before.
It is well written and Murky as character is very reliable. My hoof of approval for this one.
I would love to see more of this in the future.
1707978
More is perpetually underway. I'm on medical leave due to a busted wrist right now but I've always had a good reliability about keeping it going. I'm itching to be back at it so no worries, this one will be going to the end. ^^
Thanks for trying it out though, means a lot to me. Glad you enjoyed!
Uh, that really sounds awful. Get well soon and take your time to cure yourself.
Also i'm not done with it yet, abut 20% according to my kindle. As i've read in the comments, i have some great sections ahead
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There's over a hundred comments on the story, sure it hasn't glitched? :p
All the same, I greatly appreciate that you enjoyed it, thanks so much. ^^
I just finished catching up to this and I am amazed and then subsequently horribly depressed becasue Murky manages to reaches through the screen, grab my heartstrings, and wrench them back and forth. The soul crushing daily grind, constant terrors, and struggle to just think for himself are conveyed so well. The little rays of hope that eke through are beautiful. When Murky finally got his battle saddle I eeee'd right along with him, the "Find a Gun" song was brilliant.
You've got me right where you want me, going
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Aww, thanks so much! I'm so glad it's had such an emotive impact. MN7 has always been a story I hoped to make about the importance of hope amongst tragedy, so it makes me squee a little to see you so firmly caught hold of that! Chapter 16 is a quarter finished, with more to come once I've recovered medically (update on my MN7 blog here in a second on that actually).
Thanks so much!
It looks good, but I couldn't read this if I wanted to. Hot dang look at those chapter lengths! It'd take me a week at least to finish one chapter, and even that isn't completely accurate. But since that's the case I'll just leave with a like and a good luck.
- Noakwolf :3
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That's very kind of you, thanks very much. :)
I knew going in the lengths may turn away some people, but that's just the nature of the beast. I work best at that word length in my pacing so it was always a kind of acknowledgement.
After reading a couple more chapters, i think about listing it together with the "Big three" in the wiki. Since we have to talk (at the wiki) about the criteria of a sidestory being "minor" or "major" anyway, i'll bring that one to discussion. Only nay i could think of would be the fact that it's quite encapsulated. But that's Pink Eyes too.
Keep you updated how it turns out
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Hehe, cool, thanks, Mink. :)
It's been wonderful seeing the stuff at the wiki, it actually makes me really interested to see how folks view the characters and events, how they word them. Actually somewhat interesting feedback from it!
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The point you'll have read that is the first time it's mentioned. Grindstone mentions the instruction was just to take him to "Unity." As such, he is implying he was sent to the fate, Unity, not to the mare, Unity.