Star Trek MLP Crossover, interesting.

Just one little thing...

The inner Trekkie is yelling at the violation of the Prime Directive. Sure they're in another galaxy but that doesn't mean you can pick up the inhabitant of another race. Protocol calls for the Away Team to beam up if any natives see them. But well... the Die has been Cast so I guess I'll have to track it to see what happens next.

I'm not a very big fan of Star Trek, so I don't know about the universe as a whole, but I'll keep an eye on this one and see where you go with it.

I'm on the fence about this. You have a really big problem with show vs. tell scenes, especially in the beginning where you give a large exposition dump to your audience.  A Star Trek crossover would be perfectly fine; the contrast between a magic-based civilization and a technology based one provides all sorts of dramatic tension, but you're not quite there on terms of using it. See if you can write scenes through dialog and action before you resort to exposition.

In addition to what the others have said, something to be aware of is equine terminology, the key one in this instance is when you've got the two foals exploring the Everfree.

Nighttime had come to the Everfree Forest. But that didn’t stop two young fillies from entering the forest in play. They giggled and raced, roughhoused and teased, it was a fun time for them. Better still was that their parents had assumed they were asleep in bed.

But then one of the fillies fell into a cave, letting out a yelp to alert his friend. The poor filly was okay, but was lying at the bottom of an incline. “Hey Coalflank are you okay?” his friend asked.

“Yea Beaky I’m fine.” Coalflank responded getting to his hooves. He then looked around at his landing place, “Whoa Beaky come check this out. Nice cave.”

“Yea,” Beaky said sliding down to his friend, “You wanna explore it?”

“I don’t know.” Coalflank said.

“Awww come on chicken, it’s just a cave.” Beaky assured his friend as he began to explore.

Pretty soon the duo were inspecting the inside of the cave. But as they walked deeper in, the darker and scarier it got. Just then something clanged in the distance. The two fillies jumped and screamed. Then a looming figure appeared out of the darkness. Beaky ran while Coalflank stood there in terror as the figure reached for him. Beaky never faster in his life. but he was stopped when the exit to the cave closed. In the darkness he heard Coalflank scream, and then felt something grabbed him making him scream. But the screams were never heard outside the cave.

If the coding works, everything I've marked in red in the quote is a gender term, horses and ponies have three gender-based terms for young, the same as humans.

Foal(s) = Child(ren)

Colt(s) = Boy(s)

Filly(ies) = Girl(s)

You're calling Coal and Beaky male when you use describe what they're doing, but you're calling them female children, which is it?

Also, I'm taking it that this pair are from Ponyville so why are they exploring the Everfree forest at night? That place, to the ponies is both unnatural and dangerous and even the Cutie Mark Crusaders don't go in on their own too often, and they're the least sensible group of fillies in the town that we know of.

nice crossover cant wait to read more

>>11612831161283 honestly bro I wrote that thing late at night though I really appreciate the grammar check. Actually there was a lot more of a setting dump in the original version of the story that I chopped off after a very brief thought. Thing is with star trek is the whole canon story line has restarted thanks to JJ, and the only thing that has continued is STO where setting dumps are so common it's nessicary. That being said once I get chapter two and chapter four of the legend finished I'll go back over this with a fine tooth comb

I see that another crossover with Star Trek Online has shown up.

I am quite please with how it's turned out so far, but I will agree with Ghrathryn, the grammar needs fixing, and the foal ponies are colts, not fillies.

Also, I understand very well that setting dumps are common, especially in Star Trek, and I agree they are necessary, but even so, it's not wrong to go into some history and more detail on the characters as you introduce them. When doing setting dumps, go into great detail, don't go at it in a small fast pace all the time. Sometimes, when doing setting dumps, you'll want to it long, say a whole chapter, and get down a brief history, but not too brief. When setting up the story, so kinda of a short character bible.

On the off note, I'm also on STO, and have my own Odyssey-Class cruiser, The Proteus. If you wish to look me up when you're online, just look up "Capt. Rico Sakara Prower@CaptRicoSakara."

>>11671261167126 i was a season three guy, Captain Johnson on the Evans. this was actually one of the foundry missions i made that got erased when STO cleaned house by becoming ftp. plus i actually didn't dump EVERYTHING about the character history on the reader, you may notice the summary mentions something the chapter doesn't. trust me there is more to come and that goes for everyone not just you my fellow captain

I haven't seen a Mirror Universe Fanfic yet... open to suggestions ?

Too all readers, prepare to be surprised for Chapter 2

MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MAOR MAOEUFDIR

Keep going. This is getting interesting. =3

it was good till you femslashed it....now I've lost interest

>>11959851195985 i am not familiar with this event , what killed it for you?

>>11957991195799

“Oxygen and argon atmosphere, gravity at four g’s, everything here is similar to Earth it’s almost uncanny.”

I know Star Trek plays a bit loose with the science, but that's a bit silly. That's the kind of thing that would drive Twilight neurotic.

I agree with Phoenix... Should be an oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere and the gravity at anywhere between .8 - 1.2 g's.  

At 4 g's the away team would be weighing 4x their normal body weight.

>>11972851197285 femslash is pairing two girls together....Trixi and Twilight

My only dream for this story, besides the story itself, is for it to be listed on the popular stories list and on the popular story scroll. so please everypony and everybrony please make this story that popular

I read the story and looked at chapters. This story is great and you need to write more!

>>11671261167126 Correction, colts are male horses under the age of 4 and fillies are female horses under the age of 4 and a foal refers to either gender under the age of 1.

I love the story, however I did notice this error.

The greatest show on Equestria? Wouldn't it be the greatest show in Equestria or greatest show on Equis?

Other then that I love the story! KEEP IT GOING!

MOAR

Image: https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTSGm6tbRJvOsJSfQzJrMoNZG1mgZX-EDgg-mJZpMj3jCV_TWf7

Two problems. Well, two and a half:

1. I know it may not be them that's doing it, but if the Federation really is doing it, there's a massive OOC hole in your story. Federation and prime directive laws state that they are never allowed to confront natives that are not pre-warp capable. Not even indirect interactions are allowed. Although I suspect they are not the cause of the missing fillies, if they are, NO NO NO NO NO!

2. I have no problem with homosexual pairings, except if they don't fill one condition: good writing. You're violating the same rule as the first chapter: show, don't tell. Of course, there are particular cases where exposition is needed, but those instances tend to be small and/or supporting facts that assist in developing bigger scenes. Sometimes it's just not possible to fully develop everything because an author would bore his/her audience to tears.

But the key fact here is that a romantic relationship, especially one that has not been supported by the show in any shape or form, is something that needs to be shown. This is Twilight after all; she's one of the stars of the show. Explaining the relationship over two short paragraphs is simply not enough to develop it.

2 1/2. I could understand a unicorn seeing through their cloaks, but Scootaloo? She's a pegasus, how can she possible do that?

Now I don't want to bring you down, but your writing still neds a lot of work. When you're finished with a chapter, stop what you're doing and let it sit for a day. Go to a movie or something, just don't go back to writing. Find a small legion of editors to toil away at it in the meantime or something. When that day is up, look through what you've written once again. Editors can catch grammatical errors, so you need to look for the bigger stuff.

As odd and strangely detestable as it sounds, you need to lead your audience to what you want them to feel. Don't force scenes or emotions on them, just present them and let them dwell on them however they wish. Do certain parts of a paragraph need to be stressed more than others? Are you repeating a certain verb or noun too much? Could a scene or transition be written in greater detail? Does an expository scene need to be shorter or longer? This line of work is not just writing, editing is equally as important.

>>12130731213073 good points all around but the only really thing i can counter act with you outright is the 2 1/2 point. it wasn't that she saw through the cloak, if you re read the passage it states a butterfly had landed on Sul'Vin's head. Scootaloo was simply wondering how in the world the butterfly could've landed on nothing but air.

Now the prime directive bit i've noticed every star trek fan has taken a hatred too. I will comment on this once and only once Blaze Will get in trouble for that don't think i'm letting him get off easily HOWEVER there will be a technicality of sorts that will make the prime directive no longer apply. my only hint is for fans to remember Br'er Rabbit's planet.

Plus, the twilixie story line has been used so many times i felt it better to just start the story off with them already as a couple and any in depth back story would've been purely irreverent to the prime story line. if you ever notice Star Trek story lines it rarely goes into filler with established back stories so i'm being loyal to their writing style, which also styles its story line to make its viewers feel a certain way only to have that change at the last possible moment.

I'm running into a problem on the third chapter: Writers block on how the hell do i make first contact? For all of Star Trek's talk of First contact with other species, only rarely have we seen legit first contact meetings that have gone smoothly.

>>12296751229675

I don't know. If you can, I'd advise going for a walk; whenever I go for a walk, I have quite a bit of time to think about my ideas for my stuff.

Looks good so far though. I don't know how they were able to see Sul Vin through her stealth mode however

Chapter Three Everyone, bought time for me to get this one out there. Sorry i took so long but college was a beach to get work done. FYI don't expect Chapter four to take me so long to write, but do expect some lull before the real story begins.

Janeway be nice! >=3

>>14165891416589Janeway was always a character

>>14163371416337

Understood. School is... well, I won't put in the rude words I'd like too, but you get the point I think.

>>14165891416589 after all that was reveiled in this chapter all you can say is janeway be nice??

Do you play Star Trek Online?  If you do, it makes sense that Blaze is a Vice Admiral.  I love the story you have written so far!  I have made it a favorite and was quite happy to see this new chapter, with all that it reveals, today.  I can completely understand Blaze saying "Shit".  I did when I read that the admiral he reported to was Janeway!  Looking forward to reading the next chapter!  Keep up the great work!

YAY! UPDATE! lol Janeway will be Janeway.

JANEWAY FUCK YEA god i loved staying up all night watching voyager I think Picard and janeway are the two best with uhhh crap I forgot the captain from star trek enterprise's name someone help me!!!!!

>>14211961421196 Johnathan Archer played by Scott Bakula

>>14459151445915 I'm sorry I did achronological order series viewing like 2 years ago

A Star Trek Online crossover? Well, I've seen this story around for a while, but I guess I'll bite... I can tell from the description that you're taking this in a different direction from my own STO crossover, but let's see what you've got.

>>14583231458323 oh a totally different direction, hope you enjoy my STO spin

>>14586211458621

Well, I've got some advice for how you might improve the first chapter, but I want to read the rest of what you have before I dump all that on you.

The big difference between our stories is that my story is set in 2409 (ish) while the war with the Klingon Empire is still going strong, not long after the Vega Colony attack that happens in the in-game tutorial.

MOAR!

yes, more!

Chapter 1:

A big block o' description and exposition, right when you're trying to catch your reader's interest. Others have said that this is bad, and I'll agree. It's thick, and not fun to read, and more likely to turn readers off than to catch their interest. So what you may want to do... is pitch the whole thing into a shredder, and collect all the little facts up. Then, stick them into the story where they're more relevant; most of the details about the ship & technology should be moved to where the equipment in question comes up in the dialog, or you could sneak it in with the bridge description, telling about the systems those stations control. Add the Flagship bit to the description of the uniforms, mention the plaque on the bridge with the motto. You should be left with, before the narration starts, a brief description of the politics and mission the ship is on.

Then add a section break, before the narration, to make it easier to read.

They seem quick to identify the locals as being ponies; you could flesh this out a bit by having one character describe in detail what the locals are like, then either someone finding a match in the database, or being an earth native and recognizing what a horse looks like.

>>14586821458682 yea I'm a long long time down the road,

Uh I'm just gonna say the fastest warp possible like ever is warp 10 it pretty much allows the person to go anywhere in an instant and warp isn't measured in the speed of light as why warp 10 is like being teleported

whole paragraph on TNG:

where w is the warp factor, v is the velocity, and c is the speed of light.

For Star Trek: The Next Generation and the subsequent series, Star Trek artist Michael Okuda devised a formula based on the original one but with important differences. For warp factors 1 through 9, v = w10/3c. In the half-open interval from warp 9 to warp 10, the exponent of w increases toward infinity. Thus, in the Okuda scale, warp velocities approach warp 10 asymptotically. There is no exact formula for this interval because the quoted velocities are based on a hand-drawn curve; what can be said is that at velocities greater than warp 9, the form of the warp function changes because of an increase in the exponent of the warp factor w. Due to the resultant increase in the derivative, even minor changes in the warp factor eventually correspond to a greater than exponential change in velocity. In the episode "Threshold", Tom Paris breaks the warp 10 threshold.

Cool story, very trekkie.........I like it.

Caught my attention! I do like this story so far, so please continue.

>>14962461496246

What's the formulas for Slipstream and Transwarp? I found the formulas on a site once before, but I don't think I have it anymore. Do you know where I can see the formulas for that?

>>14962461496246 two things, well actually three, first coodos to you for actually looking up full information regarding warp travel. My second statement is how exactly does slipstream or tea award actually operate formula wise. Third was posting this in response to quells's description to how fast the Evans goes because I was only simplifying the warp terminology for the trio party. If that's okay with you Trekkies

>>14982221498222 it's cool

>>14981901498190 sure thing!

Transwarp:The transwarp threshold (also known as the maximum warp barrier or the transwarp barrier) was a boundary that separated warp from transwarp and was identified in the 24th century as the velocity of warp 10.

Slipstream: The quantum slipstream drive was an advanced form of propulsion technology first encountered by the USS Voyager in the Delta Quadrant, which had the capability of exceeding a starship's maximum warp factor by an unprecedented degree. Similar in principle to the transwarp technology utilized by the Borg, it was originally developed by a Delta Quadrant race designated by the Borg as "Species 116."Quantum slipstream drive operated by routing energy through the vessel's main deflector, which then focused a quantum field, allowing the vessel to penetrate the quantum barrier. In order to maintain the slipstream, the phase variance of the quantum field had to be constantly adjusted, or the slipstream would collapse, violently throwing the ship back into normal space.

Hate to say it... but I'm not enjoying this story. Let me see if I can express why.

First off, it feels like things are going REALLY fast. Accidental contact, *bam!* message from surface, *bam!* Vice Admiral Blaze Johnson beams down, *bam!* Celestia explains where magic comes from, *bam!* Janeway shows up... (Wait, why didn't she learn about the local anomalies on her way into the system?) Going this quickly I'm not getting any feel for the characters involved, and revealing so much back story so early eliminates mystery, one of the best tools for building interest.

Second, I can't get Blaze's motivation; he's moving very quickly, not explaining his actions to his officers (which leads Sul’Vin to go behind his back, which risks undercutting his authority) or worrying about the prime directive before he beamed down. Yeah, one of the locals claims they have warp technology, but all he has at that point is her word for it. At this point, his main justification for breaking the Prime Directive seems to be "This planet is really really interesting" which doesn't cut it when they could back off and use less noticeable methods (ship sensors, sensor probes) to build up their information before deciding what to do. It might take longer, but it's not like Star Fleet put any time limits on their mission.

Third, why are representatives from two different cultures so quick to trust each other? Who says first contact in stories should go smoothly?

And on top of that, there's the mystery of the missing foals, which hasn't been touched on in more than passing for several chapters.

If you're interested, I could give you some suggestions for ways to rework the story so far, but that might require axing a lot of what you already have written. Your story, your call.

Warp 14, or 14 times the speed of light! Why, at that speed, we can go from Earth to the nearest neighboring star-system, Alpha Centauri, in only three and a half months! Trips across the entire federation can be done in only a few generations! So amazing!

"So what we did was convert your atoms to matter"

And none of the ponies notice going from a 1.5g world to a 1.0g ship and losing a third of their weight. But then again, the humans didn't notice gaining half-again their weight on beaming down, either...

>moved through space at warp ten

I always liked how warp 10 is supposedly infinite speed, and you can go with warp 36.7 in ST Online.

>>14962461496246 actually if you look back in TOS, The Enterprise went warp ten on four different occasions, two of which resulted in time warp.

Most Greatest enemy? LOL grammer nazi is nazi

>>17112651711265 adds drama....

>>17112921711292

BS LOL

"our present speed is four hundred and fifteen kilometers per hour. It is a standard orbiting speed for this vessel"

"Wow, it's impressive that you can stay up while going that slowly. A stable, non-eliptical orbit approximately 300 kilometers above the surface would normally require the orbiting object to be traveling at, er... something like fifty times that speed. Roughly... Anypony have a calculator?"

"the Top depicts the majority of the Zeta Andromeda Galaxy; the one we are currently in. the Middle is the Milky Way Galaxy."

"Wait, do you mean the Andromeda Galaxy, or the Zeta Andromeda constellation? And if you really meant galaxy... Well, two and a half million light-years from that to the Milky Way, even at fourteen times the speed of light, that's almost two hundred thousand years. Did you guys sleep the whole way?"

"“Producing enormous powers within the range of ten times the power of the sun.”

"...assuming you're annihilating approximately 21 billion kilograms of antimatter with 21 billion kilograms of matter every second with perfect efficiency. You can do that, right?"

(Sorry, I'm far too easily amused by technical aspects)

>>17123571712357 last line, "only if the ship can hold that much antimatter at once for a voyage longer than a week or two"

>>17123571712357 Perhaps it's supposed to be minute or second

>>17161031716103

Minute would work, but is a strange period for measurement. Second is way too fast.

Wow, update! :P

>^> I have a Star Trek story planned too, luckily it shouldn't end up similar to the point of copying yours though, or so I'll try to make sure. Put on my read later list

>>20049272004927 Would be my honor to read it, regardless of the review you give this one.

Looks like an interesting story. Being a pretty big Star Trek fan myself, and a MLP fan. I'll defiantly give this a read when I have time.

ohhh and just got better

are the Borg arriving now?

>>20052132005213 i'm not saying who the villians are, could be borg, romulan, klingon, hell could even be an oc force

>>20063662006366 Klingons and Romulans only need a pair, one colt and one filly, to get what research they need, no need to get the drunkard anyway, an OC force is likely, but not entirely possible, unless they have tech that surpasses Borg, I think our most likely villain is Borg

>>20063852006385 Could also be the Cardassians, you never know and i will not tell until the time comes. its all apart of the enjoyment of the story,

What does the fact that the planets inhabitants are Ponies have to do with whether or not they violated the Prime Directive>

>>20065342006534 I don't see a reason on why any species or faction would settle on Equestria besides the borg, for obvious reasons

>>20049412004941 Maybe you can help with pre-reading mine to make sure it doesn't get any of the Trek lore wrong? Like I said I have your story saved and will get it read through when I can

>>20159612015961 Sure if you want any pre-reading just send me a pm!

>>20072202007220 Two things, one have you read the first chapter, two do you know the rules of the prime directive?

I know A perfect villian force: The Fek'Ihri, think about it!

let's say that Molor found another way to escape Gre'thor and the Fek'Ihri invasion was inminent, the klingon empire, outnumbered by their ancestral enemy were forced to ally themselves with the federation to atleast have a oportunity to fight against the large invasion, the war was fierced and long but the allied factions won over them.

The Fek'Ihri is the best villian faction...

the other options are:

The Borg: is pretty obvious, they only care to assimilate EVERYTHING.

The Dominion: let see, race of supersoldiers capable to do anything and their leaders the changelings are very ambitious to use them.

The Undine: Xenophobic extragalactic species that want exterminate the humanoids of the galaxy because they fear them.

Iconians: Its possible that the main danger of STO are the Iconians, the undine space had a iconian portal and they're barely humanoids, they are (probarly) responsables of Supernova on Romulus, they kipnapped Empress Sela and made a mess with the undine to make them xenophobic.

The Remmant of the Romulan Star Empire: they are the loyal remmant of the Empress Sela, possibly also loyal to the Iconians.

>>20072202007220 Federation Prime Directive= no talking to anything that hasn't built a warp engine yet, at all. Most they can do is watch without interaction.

Added to Read Later, will edit comment when I read maybe first 3 chapters on what I think. I love Star Trek and can't wait to read a crossover that hasn't ended after like 2 chapters.

Edit: So after reading I'd say this isn't really my cup of tea, no offense to you, it's good just not what I look for in these types of stories, I like it better when the ponies have no knowledge of modern tech and credit it all to magic. And when they get told it's not magic they don't believe it and then they switch to curiosity after they do believe it's not magic, but this they already have the tech, they just don't use it. Like Star Trek: Insurrection.