Epicness
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OK, good idea, but description is too explanitory, and the story sucks. Stephen king cannot be imitated.
Winona is a her.
.....wtf dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_hmph.png
Wait, what?
No.
I laughed. Now I feel bad.
I usually don't read these kind of fics, and I don't think I'll make an exception here. One piece of advice, though.
The fic's called "Winona"
The main character's Winona
Please, put the "Winona" character tag. It's in the "Animal" section.
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJEMjAxMi8wNy8xMy8yMl8yMl81MF85NjlfNDMwNTZfX3NhZmVfcmFpbmJvd19kYXNoX3JlYWN0aW9uX2ltYWdlBjoGRVQ/43056__safe_rainbow-dash_reaction-image.png
Good, my slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
*clap*
*clap*
...
...
*clap*
Good, that's still working.
What everyone above me said.
1151924 I like what you did there, so I'll try to land on one leg, get in.
Screw it, it was worth reading just for this part.
Sorry if it's bad, it's my first story.
I also corrected some stuff.
1152340 "Your first story" is not a valid excuse. The reason why is that many people use this excuse to cover up laziness or shoddy writing.
So! Some critique.
1) Big Macintosh. Get it right.
2) Winona's a she. As has been said in the show, or the wiki. (BTW, those places are good for reference. I encourage you to check them out.)
3) Grammar issues. If you're still having trouble, copy and paste into your word processor, then hit F7. Tadah! Lots of mistakes found. Your readers will thank you.
4) The poorly pulled Chekhov's gun. So the rodeo was significant. It's just placed so close to the ending that I feel it's a deus ex machina. And what's stopping you from killing AJ and FS? This is CUJO you're attempting to emulate here. ANYONE AND EVERYONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DIE.
5) The story itself is too fast paced for me to feel horrified at all. More, "Oh, Lyra died. Oh, and there goes Golden Harvest." The way to add tension is to draw out the encounters. Add more description!
6) Where in the world did FS get bit? I read through the entire story and nowhere does it mention that.
7) There's absolutely NO transitioning. BOOM, seven months just passed. So what? Could have just as easily been 7 days, or 7 hours. (Hell, to me, it felt like 7 seconds.)
8) The formatting is a bit awkward. Here I'm just being nitpicky; the formatting is readable. It's just I don't like the format. Try breaking up the thing into more little chunks.
And that's basically it. This'll get a thumbs down, for the reasons above and more.
There comes a time in every reader's life when he stumbles upon a story that makes him simultaneously think, "Why would you do this?" and "I'm so happy someone finally did this."
I'm a fan of Stephen King, and I've read 'Cujo' twice. This is a lovely (perhaps that's the wrong word) concept, but I would like to see it stretched out further than a one-shot. At least five chapters, I would suggest, if not more. Pace it better, take your time. After all, you're writing horror, and a key element of any and all horror is suspense. Mr. King has been called a master of it before, and because you are imitating him here, go for it. And, also because you are imitating him, the happy ending bothers me. Someone we know and love should die brutally--preferably a foal. Emotional scars should be apparent. Feel free to tone it down if you want to post it under a 'Teen' rating rather than a 'Mature,' but still. A bittersweet ending is a MUST.
I have a morbid fascination with horrible diseases, which is why I know way more about rabies than I should. First of all, allow me to commend you for the correct mention of medications and the Milwaukee Protocol (the official name of the procedure performed on AppleJack and Fluttershy). It made me happy. In fact, it made me extremely happy. But the progression of rabies in Winona was unrealistically fast. The virus usually takes two to twelve weeks to incubate, and there have even been cases where symptoms didn't emerge until seven years after the victim was bitten. Winona went rabid overnight. Do some quick research on Wikipedia, to find out how rabies progresses--it's fascinating, really, all the strange little symptoms that lead up to the frothing-at-the-mouth-and-chomping-on-
ponies-people phase.One last thing. Winona mysteriously switched genders several times throughout the course of this story.
That isn't a symptom of rabies.
I kid, I kid, but it's an error that needs to be fixed.
I really liked this story, and both it and you have a lot of potential! I hope that my suggestions help, and that I see more from you in the future.
1151989
Go! Now! Moof-ah your loofah!
Well, at least you tried, better luck next time. One thing though, you kind of pulled the ending out of thin air. People hate it when authors do that, they feel cheated, and it ruins the drama. I would have preferred it if AJ and FS bit the dust, it ends the story on more of grim note, which is great for a horror story. Don't worry, there's always next time.
is it bad that i smiled yet i was sad when lyra died?
Had potential, I liked where you were going with this, but what Cade YYZ said, he was first comment
Meh.
You didn't kill off FS and AJ, yet you disembowel a bird, snapped a mouse's spine and impaled it on a thorn bush, killed Lyra and Golden Harvest, and have parts of Fluttershy's leg torn off. This makes no sense. I found some errors, but most of them were fixed (based on the Internet Time Machine). This one-shot had potential, but didn't end in the way it should have. However, because the Thumbs up/down total count is an even number, I shan't down-vote it. I'll abstain from rating this one.
oh my god, this is so much worse than i remember. i legitimately laughed at some parts because of how atrocious the writing is lmfao
1152462
it's true that being a first story isn't a valid excuse...buuuut what is valid is the fact that i was 11 when i wrote this trash heap :p