• Member Since 7th May, 2012
  • offline last seen January 6th

Amit


This is a superfluous feature and you should feel superfluous.

T

The sky is very far away.

A story about Celestia.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 39 )

Not bad. Certainly not what I was expecting. Though it was at some parts a bit hard to follow, try to make the descriptions clearer, so that the reader can get a better picture of what is going on, and where.

Well, I've never seen a story that had a idea similar to it so far.....so tracked.

Image has me, but will wait until completed. 1149408 TL; DR :trollestia: Jk. lol :unsuresweetie:

I agree with 1149408, the first chapter was very interesting, and clear enough, though some things could be made better, but this chapter... I'm not sure if this lady was watching the whole time, or what happened at all. From what I understood, Twinkle sacrificed herself in a glorious blaze of magic near the peak of a mountain or cliff, but she didn't jump off. In other words, if the gravedigger lady saw Twinkle's end, she also should have seen Celestia's birth. Also, where did her mentor disappear to? There seems to be a major disconnect between the setting of this chapter and the last.

Like'd and Fav'ed, but could you clean it up, or have some proofreaders help you go back over it? :rainbowkiss:

This is pretty epic. Great job! Thumbs up and a track.

Some of overuse and misuse of semicolon .
A bit rough/ sketchy in some places.

Interesting to say the least.


On a whole, me likey. Fix what needs to be fixed, however.

1150104
Ignore virtually everything I said, I just read your blog post, and essentially reread the first chapter. There is still a small amount of confusion, since you never outright describe the cliff, other than the fact that a LOT of ponies had been committing suicide off of it lately.

Sorry? :facehoof:

Also, with the way the first chapter has changed, you may want to remove the comedy tag. Just saying. :coolphoto:

One other thing, why is there a comedy tag? Or is that to come later on?
Secondly, the first chapter involves suicide (sacrifice if you like), I'm unsure that falls into the rating of 'everyone' surely 'teen' is more appropriate.

1150173
It's more like dark (or gallows!) humor, but I don't think it would justify the 'dark' tag, maybe a bump to 'teen,' as said.

1150183
The dialogue was pretty funny, just not slapstick funny, more like witty banter.

1150316
I didn't notice. Take from that what you will.

1150322
C'est la vie, to each their own in the humor department. The tag could also have relevance later on; I imagine raising a powerful goddess to be more than a simple endeavor.

The haters are out in force. I don't know why. Thematically, I strongly disapprove of using human, er, pony, sacrifice in a story and having it work. But I can overlook that.
End of chpt. 1, "Her neck broke against the rocks and it turned a brilliant white." Reads as if her neck turned a brilliant white. I wouldn't mention it, but it's supposed to be a dramatic finish, and the grammatical ambiguity ruins it.

1150316
Wut? I never said anything about a dark tag.... Go look at Amit's blogpost, and you can see why I said this has a lot less comedy than before the edit.

1151473
I know, that was my brain pre-coffee, and all I ended up typing out were fragments of my thoughts on the matter; I simply didn't include all the context when I wrote the coment, apologies for the misunderstanding! :derpytongue2:

I read the blog post shortly after I read the story, and I can't decide which version I like better. That said, I think the comedy tag can still apply, it's just more subtle and morbid humor that's lightly coated in snarky, Sorkin-like banter as opposed to the full on heavily battered and deep fried version from the blog post. You are right on the money with the confusion, though. Much like my original comment, the story is missing context in very important places, namely: settings.

Two small errors, both in the same sentence: "Fully focused, she lett go of her holding spell and starting a new one entirely."

Other than that, excellent work.

I really enjoyed this. It was a cool version of the MLP mythos.

1150418
I was quite intentionally trying to make it ambiguous whether her neck or the world had turned white; both are correct, so I thought I'd keep it that way.

Stark.

I love it, it's a great take on an origin story. That said, I think the critique from last chapter still applies: the setting description has gotten better but could still use a little work.

Best chapter so far; Celestia's character is fascinating. I'm confused on one point, though: where exactly is their home? There were times when I got the sense that it was in the clouds, but I doubt it... Is it on that cliff from which everyone jumps?

Is that a Paul Simon reference, or are you just happy to see me? You're happy to see me? Well I'm happy to see you too!

Part of the enjoyment, I think, is figuring out what the chapter titles mean. It's a nice touch, for sure. I'm enjoying the take on the Celestia origin story, as well, particularly how with each successive chapter, we get a slightly more in-focus look at how dystopian and apocalyptic the Old World was. The grudging end of who knows how many wars, the barest toleration of others, the years-long summer, the winter that will probably last just as long while the sky stays so far away.

I just talked myself into favorite-ing this. No joke.

This is outstanding. You're doing a great job of deconstructing the Hearth's Warming myth and turning it into something darker, something more like what we might expect to see in our own world. And, in so doing, you're starting to reveal why a young goddess would feel compelled to transform her broken world into something better: the Equestria we see in the show.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes from here. So far, the show has given us a loose enough framework of canonical past events that there's room for a thrilling epic of historical fan fiction to string them all together. No pressure or anything. :raritywink:

One small problem I spotted:

She might have grumbled further she not been greeted...

There's a missing "had" between "further" and "she."

Very interesting world building, but I want public discovery/something to happen! DO EEET! I-if it's alright with you, that is... :fluttershyouch:

So Unicorn is German? Das is gut.

I'm very confused about which races Canterlotian and Tarbian belong to... When I think Canterlot, I think unicorns, but clearly they have Unicorn. I'm getting the sense that earth ponies have Tarbian, so that leaves Canterlotian for the pegasi? But... Commander Hurricane is apparently not fluent in Canterlotian, and pegasus occupation of Canterlot seems a bit odd anyway...

1219700
Based on what we see in the Hearth's Warming Eve episode, though, it's the earth ponies who would be speaking German, while the unicorns are more Anglo-Saxon.

1221265 Nien! Der Unikorn mas sprechen zie Deutsch!


... I don't speak German....

1220544
Turba is Arabic for 'soil', so you'd be correct about Tarbian.

As an exercise to understand the linguistic situation I'm attempting to convey, however, I might note that the British, French and Germans, despite all being predominantly Caucasian, have different languages; I might also note that a great portion of the world agrees on using English, despite it being a British invention, and that it has been warped and changed about in so many ways by the people that speak it that it no longer 'belongs' to any group of people.

1219700

I'd imagine Upper Unicorn is German and Lower Unicorn is French.

1224236 Mm, I figured it might have just been a little simpler here: three races, three languages and all. I still wonder what the pegasi speak. Since the Apricot-Sky Agreement was written using only Unicorn and Canterlotian, I think it's safe to say that Tarbian isn't their first language. However, their leader isn't fluent in Canterlotian, so that likely isn't their first language either. Does this mean they speak Unicorn? What the heck is Canterlotian, then? A local dialect of one of the other languages that's spoken just in and around Canterlot?

Oh... but wait... The pegasi were going to assimilate earth ponies literate in Canterlotian, so perhaps Canterlotian is what's spoken by the pegasi, and Commander Hurricane's just an idiot?...

1224279

I'd imagine 'Commander Hurricane's Canterlotian' is bitter slang, in the same way that one might say that Agent Orange is a debt that Uncle Sam owes to veterans of the Vietnam War. The implication I'm trying to put across is that they printed the books wrong on purpose to 'prove' that the earth ponies were too incompetent for self-government.

I would imagine Canterlotian to be the equivalent of English, but given that the closest equivalence I imagine Canterlot to have to any real city is Jerusalem, that might be a bit off. Think of it as a generic lingua franca.

I'm enjoying the world-building and the darker background you're giving for the history of inter-racial pony conflict, but I have to admit I'm getting anxious for more plot progression. How did we get from Sundancer -- the mixed-race atrocity and shut-in -- to Celestia, beloved ruler of the realm? The story isn't marked AU, so I'm guessing that's still how things end up. Perhaps saving everyone's ass from Discord the first time has something to do with it? Also, when and how does Luna enter into things? And does the pointed mention of sweat near the start of this chapter mean that Starlight Twinkle's sacrifice is continuing to bring the sun ever closer to their world?

The questions, they buuurn. :pinkiecrazy: They burn because you've done such a good job of setting an interesting stage for your story. Just... start moving toward the answers soonish, okay? Pretty please? :unsuresweetie:

I like this story a lot. (Princess Celestia is one of my favorite characters.) And I hope that it is still alive, because I want to know what happens next. Please keep up the awesome work.:twilightsmile:

Of all the things I've read on this site, I like this the most and hope to see it continue.

Hello from 2017, interesting story premise, and as unlikely as it probably is seeing as it has been 5 years since this was started, I would really like to see more or at the very least have somepony else pick up where you left off and continue this tribute to a forgotten era.

8589818
Looking back, I do think this is a heartwarming premise. Maybe one day I'll write it as an adult.

8604919
That would be great, I wish you luck on your endeavour. Currently reading a dystopian 3-part series of essentially fan-novels by the author airstream. Basic premise is that the main 6 are puppets to a primordial goddess of order incarnate known as Celestia. Twilight dislikes learning of her pawn status and fights back.

This was very nice while it lasted.

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