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ChefRamsay
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ChefRamsay
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Joined June 2012
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38w, 2dThe Fillyfoolers.
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39w, 1dTwilestia is Bestia
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39w, 1dTwilight Sparkle
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This is really great writing quality for a first time! No errors that I can see, plenty of literary devices, and some pretty good visuals, although I wish it was a wee bit more descriptive. Now, to BRING ON THE SCIENCE! 
(That's Twi thinking, not disappointed)
What Twilight has done with her 'sentient' conscience is actually possible. It's called the Tulpa Phenomenon, and was invented by the ancient Tibetans. It is essentially the belief that one can partition part of his consciousness to create an entirely different being with thoughts, feelings, and even existence. People have continued this practice today, and it's evidently possible to make a tulpa of any form (including ponies!). With enough time and concentration it will slowly choose its own personality, voice, and appearance if you let it. Finally, if you truly believe, it will begin to speak to you without you telling it to, and some even report seeing their tulpa walk alongside them, or sitting on the edge of their beds! It's essentially a 24/7, consensual audio/visual hallucination. Check out this site to find out more.
Cheers, and I hope to see more of your work!
You kidding, right?
I love it.
I actually hope for a sequel - maybe even a short one - with Celestia's mask cracking and her reaction, both to that and to Twilight's declaration.
I'll be following you, dear.
>>1149734 How did I miss a site on making yourself a Tulpa? I gotta thank you, because that's the kind of experiment I was dying to try!
This stands well as a one shot, but if you can find an inspired way to use Twilight's mental state to make your version of the ship interesting and different I suggest you go for it as I for one would love to read about it. 
Or some other story that deals with this new development in Twilight's mind would be great as well (either before showing somethings leading up to this or after showing what comes of the change).
On question though, how does she know it is her concience she is talking to? 
(or did I just miss the part where that was explained?)
This story was really enjoyable, especially for it being a first story. You don't need to be so critical of yourself in the story description; if you didn't tell people that it was your first story, I don't think any of them would suspect it.
What really surprises me is the "complete" status on this story. With all of that foreshadowing and buildup, you really need to include a scene of Celestia and Twilight having their confrontation and its resolution in order for the story to feel complete from a reader's standpoint. As it stands, the ending is just a cliffhanger. The only other thing I'd criticize (and I realize it's nitpicking) is that including the "One does not simply walk into Mordor" meme really didn't feel necessary. It distracts the reader from the content surrounding it.
Pretty decent. Good as a first time story, but the whole discussion with her own subconscious could really need more life thrown into it. As it is, you're literally just having dialogue thrown back and forth, for apparently a rather long time as well. Unless she's thinking really slowly, I can't see how that whole monologue took any longer than 5 minutes.
And where is Spike though all this? To really reach "comedy gold" status, I think it'd need to show a lot more about what goes on in the environment as well. But each to their own.
Did spot a few errors too.
"Possibly a like a lover, too."
"How ARE you talking to be, anyway?"
I heartily enjoyed this short, sweet story.
Image: http://www.hudsonhorizons.com/pub/images/FacebookLikeButtonThumbsUp.jpg
Still, favorited. I expect more from you later on.
!MOAR!
A very nice little story.
"Of course I'm overly cautious! One does not simply tell the ruler of Equestria that the little purple pony who she talks to sometimes is madly in love with her! That would be like walking into Maredor, land of the Changelings and the One Ring!"
I found this segment interesting considering Sauron was depicted as a shape shifter in the Silmarillion.
The writing is quite technically competant. The content ... eh, not so impressed. The whole thing feels intensely rushed, you can't seem to stay focused on the 'other voice' just being part of Twilight looking at her experiences with Celestia from another angle, and then you start talking about masks and making the whole thing sound like a cut-price 'Eternal' with 50% more 'Twilight wants to bone Celestia'.
There's the nub of a really interesting idea here - that Twilight IS genuinely mentally unstable, and that she's learned to use this to her advantage to get a second opinion on things, as it were. It would be cool to see that elaborated on.
It follows on from this nigh seamlessly. 
As for mr writer up there - "Bring on the butt hurt" ? My good sir, I am sorely offended that you presume me one so anal! Alack, I must turn the other cheek, for I am no stubborn ass.
Your first writing pony? Fair, fair indeed. Now write about Applejack and oranges, and make it even more emotional and all-consuming for the characters (espiecially the orange) than this was 
Butthurt? NEVER!
It was beautiful with just the right amount of humor to keep it from being a sob story.
Enough realisim to show Twily that Celesita's love will not be easy to achieve but will be worth the sacrifice (for both of them)
Twiliestia on Good Pony! Twilestia On! 
>>1149875 I wrote this from Twilight's viewpoint, and sort of envisioned her doing some sort of experiment which went horribly wrong the night before or something. I suppose I felt that approach would be too generic, since Twilight fics have a massive tendency to begin with late-night experiments that do go horribly wrong. In hindsight, probably should have included that anyway. Now bear with me here; this was my first time writing for the internet. I wrote it in about three hours (as you can see from the extremely short story above) and kind of assumed it would get three or four dislikes and get lost to the archives of Fimfiction forever.
All it needs is to tell the readers how she knows in brief (result of a recent experement, possibly stated by having Twilight wishing for a bit it had not happend), and then the details of how can be made into a prequel.
You might consider looking at the site linked by >>1149734, it might provide some inspirasion to flesh out how this came to be.
It is not late nights causing spells to go wrong that is over used, it is having Twilight screw up in general that is. However, when done well it is still an interesting plot hook. One easy way to make it work better is to have there be some degree of mystery as to what caused the accident (even if it is as simple as figuring out who crashed into the library and made Twilight screw up or something).
Definitely a win, at least partially because of this astute observation:
"The average pony wishes Celestia to be a figurehead; an immortal and unchangeable thing that will forever be there, guilding Equestria from the very top."
In our haste to 'ship Tia with anypony who owns two pair of socks, we often forget this. And it's "guiding," not "guilding," but inasmuch as the typical spellchecker complains about everyday terms like "anypony," this is forgivable.
In the future, you can look at http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=97 to help find an editor.
I've said it before and I'll say it again; this story is my first try at anything even resembling writing. The Maredor part is in there for absolutely no reason at all. My hope was that with all of the silly bits in the story, the Comedy tag would act as an excuse.
Alright, there you go. Will start writing the second chapter later today.
I don't suppose anyone with a basic knowledge of the English language would be willing to pre-read it for me? Although I do try to correct as many mistakes as possible, an outside source is always useful.
I love the cover image, and twilestia is in my top 3 favorite ships.
Congratulations! This is the 150th story to be added to my RIL list
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Hrm. Not bad for a first story, must say.
Much better then most of the first time stories I read, I'm envious.
Here is a seal of approval!
Image: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/060/f/5/princess_celestia_approved_by_ambris-d4rftlj.pngI'm... going to read up on this. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing, or a good thing. OR neither.
>>1153434 Not bad, not bad at all! But, like the Baby Cakes, sometimes you get small spurts of sentience. Are you sure you're not parroting (telling it what to say)? Some very lucky people have developed very good tulpae in under ten hours, but still, you're nowhere near done. You need senses, visualization, and more. Try giving it a live commentary of basically everything you see, and ask it its opinion. If it's different from what you might say, you have yourself a mighty good tulpa, feller!
The very first thing we did was have an argument on what its face should be. It wanted to have the body of a somewhat well-built black man in a tuxedo, which I didn't mind, but then it wanted the face of a well-known actor, which I knew was a bad idea after reading some of that site you linked to. Upon showing him the memory of that section he immediately requested an abnormally comical face... Yeah, we're different.
>>1153492 Fascinating! Admittedly, I don't have a tulpa myself, nor will I ever (at least for 9 more years), but I do know quite a bit about psychological phenomena, such as hypnosis, so it's always great to learn about exceptions and benefits for certain people!
Also, Ramsay, I jelly. My first work got removed - then again, it was about the holocaust.
Great job on the feature! It must be the tulpa though. Everypony likes a tulpa.
Speaking of which, shameless plug vote time: What tulpa should Twilight have in my upcoming OC book?
It was awkward though when I realized they were each aware but had the same name 
>>1153659 Inscape is certainly not the only fic that uses an evil Twilight Sparkle as the antagonist; in fact, Inscape is pretty lightweight compared to other deviations. Take a look at Inner Demons (her queen persona), The Immortal Game (Nihilus), anything by Ciroton (even though what is represented in his stories isn't necessarily evil, per se) , and quite a few fics that include Discord or NMM as the main antagonist. Odds are that Twilight gets mind raped by them at least once during the story.
Oh. That is badass.
Now I finally have a way of getting these fragments of what used to be me, before my psyche was shattered, outta my head.
... No, shut up, I don't need psychological help. Shut up.
... Okay, maybe just a little bit... but I can live with it. It's not like I'm secretly plotting the downfall of all of you. Including lots and lots of fire...
... Alright, maybe I am, but I'm keeping those less desirable urges under wraps. Mostly. They surface from time to time in writing like this... But i wouldn't go DO them...
... Fine, maybe I would. Maybe. But only if the victims deserved it. But other than that, I wouldn't go out and set fire to a random condominium just to watch them all burn like some sick version of dominoes falling. ... Not that I give such a horrible thing much thought...
... Or that I'd really give a damn about what happened to the people inside. But that's not helpful to the point I'm trying to make! Besides, I use video games to fulfil my fire-destroying needs! One of the reasons I love Sim City so much!
... Well, this was a waste of time. I should try to make sure I have all the facts and examples I need before I attempt to prove I'm not insane.
Actually, this is pretty bad.
There are spelling and grammatical errors all over the place, Twilight (and her 'newly sentient conscience') are incredibly far OOC, and the whole thing is on a rather poor premise. Imma have to be the fifth down-voter.
I barely got half-way through the story before giving up on it. Specifically, I gave up after the paragraph that contained the word 'masturbate'.
Image: http://cdn.overclock.net/2/28/287d2b5d_1298305804533_MOAR_LOLZ-s450x516-143512-580.jpeg
>>1154077 I've actually been waiting for a comment like this.
The thing is, this is horrible. It was not meant to be horrible, obviously; it just sort of turned out that way. Compared to other stories that are being featured right now, this is definitely sub-par. I am going to try and rectify the general quality of this fic in later chapters, but I really can't guarantee it will be any better.
And as for the grammatical errors, I had no outside source to edit this for me, and the spellchecker is meh. For example, if a sentence is meant to have the word 'me' in it, the spellchecker will accept 'be', even though it has no place being in that particular sentence.
Huh! So Twilight is a bit like me!
"I'm not crazy!"
Questionable! What's meant here though, is you have a personal personality!
"...What?"
Allow me to explain. Let's say that we have the world around us. In it, there are personalities; you and me. Now...
*Steel taps Twilight on the forehead.*
Let's consider for a moment your own mind. Think of that as its own world; an entire universe, riding the electrical signals arcing across your brain every second. What do you think inhabits that universe?
"Umm..."
"Electrons?"
Scientifically, yes. Personalities is the answer I was looking for.
"Huh?"
You have an entire world in that head of yours, Miss Sparkle; we all do. The imagination is a gateway to that world, a world where you are lord, master, and God. It's pretty amazing.
"I don't have a world in my head..."
You do, though it may not be a world on the same level as the material world around us. The one in your head completely depends on you for form, function, and beauty. A fluid world where anything is possible, and everything bends to your will!
"Huh..."
"You taught Spike this, didn't you?"
Nah, the kid figured it out himself. Told me about a story he was writing and the method he used to help him figure out his next setting...it is exactly what I described to you.
"Interesting...any tips on how to get it going?"
A few, actually. Basically, what you want is full access to a view of your mind, the 'mind's eye'. To do that, imagine a room that fully surrounds you. Make the walls, floor, and ceiling white; a big white box, with only you in it.
*Puts a hoof to her temple in thought.* "Alright..."
*Steel taps the back of his hand, the glow of the computer monitor and the light of the open door the only light sources for the house. He looks at his wrist in a vague attempt to tell how much has passed. He then considers buying a watch before turning back to Twilight.*
...Anything?
"I see...a white room, yeah..."
Alright. Now, look at yourself.
"Ok...I see my hoof...I see my chest...I see my Cutie Mark and tail...ow!"
What?
"Sorry...I poked myself in the eye..."
...Even in the imagination, you have to be careful.
"I know, I know. What next?"
Now, you have to create something.
"What do you mean?"
Well, the imagination is a fluid world that you can use for many things; what's the use of it without another life being there with you? Just fill the world with what feels familiar.
*Steel leans back in his chair, looking down at the unicorn before him. A minute passes.*
"AHHHH!!!"
WOAH! WH-WHAT?!
*Twilight blinks, staring at Steel. He blinks, staring back.*
...WHAT WAS WITH THAT?!
"I-I did what you said, I filled the world with what felt familiar! OH CELESTIA, STEEL! IT WAS A TIDAL WAVE! A TSUNAMI!"
You filled your world with water?
"THE BOOKS! SO MANY BOOKS, STEEL! IT WAS AN UNENDING TIDE OF GODLY PROPORTIONS!"
>>1154482 You have no idea. Twilestia is definitely one of the more appreciated ships in the fandom, if the Groups list is anything to go by. In fact, I'm willing to bet the only reason this has over ten likes is because people saw the character tags. Of course, people who write Twilestia tend to be good at it. Take Device Heretic and Varanus for example.
You have my attention. Now, if only my sleep schedule didn't matter so that I could stay up for the next chapter. *sigh* Oh well. When I get up perhaps... Anyway, great fic, and the concept of a sentient conciseness is quite intriguing. I may have to look into Tulpas...
Your semicolon use seems fine to me, though I also do tend to use them frequently.
For a first time story, you did very well, and honestly, you did better than a lot of the random detritus around here. The Maredor bit made me giggle, but I could easily see that going the other way. Grammatically, I didn't see anything wrong, so either you had fixed everything or I seriously need sleep. Looking forward to more.
Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/000/681/what-you-did-there-i-see-it.thumbnail.jpg
Slight change of plan on when this will update next. I am currently using my eight-year old Toshiba laptop because the entire windows program on my shiny new (relatively speaking) desktop just died inexplicably. Chapter two in all of its 4.5k word glory is on my desktop hard drive, so, yeah. It will definitely be up some time tomorrow. Now, back to using Windows Vista.
You know you can recover it right? just use the desktops hard-drive as a D drive and leach the files off it onto your laptop. That or install Ubuntu on a memory stick and put the story ect onto the memory stick after booting your computer from said stick (running the memory stick as a /c drive)
great job with the first chapter!
nothing "bad" caught my eye while reading, so the flow was great, i would like to hear about how exactly twilight formed a second independent personality which she can converse with in her head though.
im actually a little bit surprised that this turned out so popular with all the cheap jokes, don't get me wrong; i have no problem with cheap jokes, but cheap jokes usually turn into hater food.
i have a question as well: will this be comedy in the "twilight does embarrassing and awkward things" way? cause i usually twist my head off with that kind of humor (aka: i don't like it very much), and if there is going to be lots of that kind of humor i want to know in advance, although i will still be reading 1-2 more chapters of this regardless of what you have planned.
Image: http://i1115.photobucket.com/albums/k549/Chase-faec/tumblr_lm1xlhF1df1qawrn2.jpgAnother!
If... if that's alright with you, I mean.
Another ursa major? So it's far enough ahead that one actually attacked
I'm liking Twilight's completely sane conversation with her consciousness
Applejack's parents should have gone with OrangeJack. "Thirsty? How 'bout some 'OJ in the morning fer ya"
Is it time for assertive Twilight to make an appearance? "Prin-no. Celestia, I want you and I'm not taking no for an answer!"
If anything, Celestia seemed to be growing away from her. She couldn't being to understand why, since she never did anything to upset her idol.
Begin
"Good evening Twilight! What brings you to the palace? Not news of another rampaging ursa major, I hope ...?"
Caps, and it's Ursa Minor, not major.
That's all the errors I found. Not for lack of looking.
For a first time this is a good story, no big plot holes or slipping to far off "normal" standards.
Since you don't have a proofreader, I have a suggestion to lessen you spelling and grammatical errors.After you write a new chapter you give yourself some time doing anything else and then reread your work.
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